godessalthena
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2014 16 October :: 9.54am
after my appointment I went home and started to sketch the drawing she asked me to make a month ago. needless to say I hated everything I drew.
I need to update my style. I don't even watch anime anymore, and I feel like my drawings are so childish now.
I am really excited for after work. I might leave early for mental health reasons but I seem to be managing the sad pretty well.
we went thru 18-21 last night. those were probably some of the worst years of my life. I had successfully forgotten about a lot of the things that surfaced in the session. I honestly don't know how I survived. those were dark days.
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godessalthena
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2014 14 October :: 11.57am
"just because you're small doesn't mean you aren't important"
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godessalthena
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2014 14 October :: 11.01am
this job is an endless fountain of misery for me. I hate the system, I hate the bureaucracy, the fake asinine entitled fuck heads in the department. I hate all the stupid fucking meetings.
I am so bad at what I do. and by bad I mean I'm extremely average. and that destroys my self esteem but I also can't find enough fucks to give to actually try to do better.
everyone gets kudos, except me. because I don't really fucking try. cuz what will it do? I don't have new revolutionary ideas, I don't see the problems in the machine, so no matter how hard I work, I'll still get a shitty review. so what's the point?
no one gives two shits about me here. I'm just a number. a warm body.
fuck LEAN methodology. fuck lms. I'm fucking done
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godessalthena
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2014 3 October :: 10.43am
heading to ocean shores with Emily :D soooooo pumped!!
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godessalthena
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2014 30 September :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: funky fresh
:: Music: better than ezra
I got a little bit of hope,
Like a soap on a rope
Sweeter than sour
Gettin' thinner by the hour
Fallin' fast and I'm runnin' out of gas
Noggin' on your sister smart as Bobby Fisher
Still I couldn't get arrested
Though I got more hooks
Than Madonna got looks
Just like that AC/DC song,
"C'mon baby, shake me all night long"
All I want to do
Is get up early in the morning
(oh I love you baby)
And all I gotta say to you
Is your love's extra ordinary
You're extra ordinary baby
Somebody pushed me through the door
I've been sleepin' on the floor
Thirty one flavors listen to
The neighbors through the wall
And a deputant ball
Use a lot on Visa got a Mona Lisa
So much for the late brand
Cause your money's spent
And it's cold inside
Just like that Barenaked Ladies song
"I'm hot like a wasabe when I'm next to your body"
All I want to do
Is get up early in the morning
(oh I love you baby)
And all I gotta say to you
Is your love's extra ordinary
You're extra ordinary baby
Your love's such a sweet thing
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godessalthena
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2014 27 September :: 1.50pm
this might be the one
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
- Khalil Gibran
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godessalthena
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2014 26 September :: 12.31pm
:: Music: houses
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cPo-fGfj5i8
Follow the path that you made through the holes in my chest
I found all your pretty things tied into knots where they rest.
I stayed up all night in the color soaked dreams you project
But you find me alone when the sun resonates in my head
And I just want to see you around
I just want your back to my front all night long as it is
And I thought that I figured it out
I burned all the videotapes that we watched as a kid
I stayed up all night in a daze where your body had been
and you'll find me alone in the morning with all of our sins
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godessalthena
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2014 26 September :: 9.03am
:: Mood: jubilant
life is so beautiful.
and things are so good.
and tomorrow will be sunny.
and I can't wait to carpe diem the shit out of every day.
cuz #yolo so brush your teeth and look both ways before you cross the street.
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godessalthena
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2014 24 September :: 9.28pm
I often worry about "trying too hard".
how will I know?
what if I already am..
1 gone up in flames |
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godessalthena
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2014 22 September :: 1.01pm
"Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"
Rose Kennedy
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godessalthena
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2014 22 September :: 12.04pm
:: Mood: triumphant
:: Music: eagel seagulls - I'm starting to hate your face
saturday I get a text from a number I don't have saved. I ask who it is, it's patrick.
he asked me if I was home because he was super horny and missed me. I told him I wasn't, but asked about his relationship status (last time I texted him he had informed me he was dating someone, I deleted his number after that) and he said it hadn't worked out.
q: why not?
a: she wasn't very nice.
and then, within me grew a wonderous and terrible feeling. VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF DEMOCRACY as well as that feeling of disgust because he overlooked me for a total bitch.
I told him I have missed his dick, but I'd have to think about it because I was at a birthday thing. I put my phone in my purse and didn't look at it between 9pm and 10am the next day...
12 missed calls, 7 texts, 2 voice mails.. all from his phone number... the voice mails... I couldn't really understand what he was saying in the first one, the second one he's begging me to call him. it was just like the night he had to have his stomach pumped..
I texted him at 1pm and asked him if he was ok, he was fine, just was too drunk last night. I told him I had never had that many missed calls from one person before.. he just says lol sorry about that..
my response: oh it's ok, I hadn't looked at my phone until this morning, so it didn't bother me.
"Lol"
and I say to myself.... BOOM MOTHERFUCKING ROASTED, assfuck.
you think you can play me? you think you can throw me away and expect me to come crawling back because I was so hopelessly putty in your hands before? you dumb mother fucker. you petulant imbecile.
you're miserable because your world is made up of you, and everyone one else is just a tool for you. and you just try to buy people's love, because you don't know how to earn it from people worth anything. your friends are all assholes. you are an asshole. and I made a mistake wasting my time on you.
but I've learned. and the one time I pursue something purely for shallow reasons it turns out just the way it always does.
sent patrick a link to the song above. and all I hope he gets from it is "fuck you" and doesn't message me again.
if he does.. well, let's just say that hell hath no wrath, yadda yadda, you know the rest.
maybe I do have anger issues...
4 gone up in flamess |
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godessalthena
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2014 19 September :: 9.47pm
I'm at a house party.
fuck this.
I feel like everyone is 12
2 gone up in flamess |
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godessalthena
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2014 17 September :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: optimistic
goals for the week:
1.) go to gym at least for one day
2.) get coloring materials
3.) finish Aimee's gift
4.) get shelves from parental units
5.) start on wind spirit picture
6.) start Alexz's jelly fish or toothless
seems like a lot!! but I know I can do it! feeling pretty good after that session with the dr. probably one of the most productive yet!
1 gone up in flames |
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godessalthena
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2014 17 September :: 10.08am
listened to the song "hey man nice shot" by filter.
looked up the meaning.
read about budd dwyer.
watched him give his final speech.
watching him shoot himself in the mouth.
death is such a hard thing to wrap my head around.
1 gone up in flames |
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godessalthena
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2014 13 September :: 11.49pm
I feel like such a copy cat. a fraud. is this really me? but I love who I am. and I hate how a lot of people make me feel. I know I should care what these strangers think, but knowing it and actually believing it are two different things.
do people only wear addidas because they want to be original? or is that some other shoe brand? that's my point - who fucking knows/cares?
aside from this, the fair was absolutely amazing <3 it was such a beautiful night, with lovely Alexz, and much vegging after. it was truly the best incarnation of the fair experience. we even went in the black hole. that was so trippy!!
I'll post some pictures soon
1 gone up in flames |
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