Every living creature dies alone

:: 2013 3 October :: 3.36pm

Some days you're the queen of the world.

Others, you're a stinky loser. Today is my stinky loser day.

:(

:: 2013 1 October :: 6.00pm
:: Mood: accomplished

Well... Yesterday was fantastic! I got to hang out with lala all day! well, for a long time! And then I got to kick it with Alexz, which was bad ass and I love looking at random stuff. And then delicious food. So much food was had that was tasty.

Then I finally got some attention of the sexual persuasion! It was fantastic, and I believe a repeat is in store for tonight ;)

I wish sex didn't make such a huge difference on my mood and general outlook on life, but it really makes a huge difference. It's just frustrating how difficult it is to get from someone you aren't ashamed of. But this guy is smart, motivated and pretty cute.

Plus he knows how to treat a girl ;) haha

Needless to say, I'm happy.

:: 2013 30 September :: 12.29pm

Third times a charm..? We'll see how this goes.

:: 2013 26 September :: 3.50pm

Today straight up crushed me. I feel like I barely got anything done. I couldn't focus at all. And we had two worthless meetings where I had to spend an extended amount of time in an uncomfortable position while assholes barked at us telling us to donate money to charities.

I just don't fucking care. About any of this. I'm done! Done. Checking on out of Thursday.

2 gone up in flamess | light a match

:: 2013 24 September :: 8.12pm

Shoegaze and a cute boy. Trying not to take things too seriously.

I really need to get laid.

:: 2013 22 September :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: Not The 1975 :(

The weeknd is always too short and the week is always too long. I hate livng for bye weeknd. I just want to live for the hell of it.

What is this really supposed to be like? What exactly am I doing wrong? If this is really it, thn why is it different for other people?

That's something I have never really understood... I know everyone is just the same as me. But I also know some people get to be a little different. I'm envious of that small variation, where they seem to be luckier than the rest of us.

We aren't in high school anymore, all this shit finally matters. One wrong decision could fuck me over for a very, very long time.

The more I think about 10, 15, 20 years down the road, the less I ever even want to be there. An ever eternal pessimist, I can only see things going down hill from here. The games will never stop, the lies will never cease, the drugs will be our only means of escape.

Life is misery, with scattered showers of happiness, freedom, beauty...

I need a brownie.

:: 2013 20 September :: 11.52am

My new bed gets here today XD

Extra epic weekend planned!

So much exciting.

:: 2013 18 September :: 10.33pm

Dude.... It's almost January...!!!!!!

:: 2013 18 September :: 7.24pm

8 more weeks of school and I will be done with my AA degree! I feel so proud of myself. It's been difficult working and doing school at the same time - mostly just getting the gumption to do homework after I get done with work.

But soon I'll have more doors open for me because I'll have a degree under my belt. It's disappointing that anymore an AA degree is like having a High School Diploma, but at least it's better than nothing at all.

Now to decide what my next steps are.. Which school to go to..

3 gone up in flamess | light a match

:: 2013 9 September :: 12.03pm

Pin up is a type of pornography.. That's why they started taking your photos. And that's why you're in your underwear or posing implied nude. And when you are looking full into the camera, it's hard to buy that it's an "artistic" photo.

:: 2013 7 September :: 9.47pm

I went to the most beautiful wedding today. One that would make anyone believe in love again, at least a little bit. Knowing both of them, and hearing all the testimony, and seeing all the expressions on their faces, listening to them tearfully say their vows. It was just so, so moving.

Most people don't find that. Even if they are looking, they just don't find anything. They met in a mattress store, he stole her number from a form she filled out, and then three years later they are married. I want that for myself. I want that for everyone.

It was just so humbling and awe inspiring. They are want all the love poems are written about.

:: 2013 6 September :: 6.21am
:: Mood: loved

The mornings where Bjorne sits on my lap are always the best mornings <3

:: 2013 5 September :: 9.03pm

watching people do e, makes me want to do it SO BAD.

but in all honesty, i'll probably never do it again. my meds cancel out any effects they may have, and i can't function without them so.. give up a temporary awesomeness for sustainable ok-ness.

the anniversary party is a very depressing movie. i'm having a hard time believing that relationships are worth it. but i also miss having one. but it was shitty too.

meh. more sex is the answer. it always is.

:: 2013 4 September :: 6.11am

On day 3 of this horrid sore throat. I'm not even sure how I caught it. No one else has it, and I haven't given it to anyone yet, but fuck it hurts.

This weekend was awesome! I swam in a lake, hiked around, floated down the river, shotgunned my first beer, went to Pig Out for the first time, and lost 3 lbs while doing all that jazz!

It was a very good final weekend to summer. Now I'm so ready for things to cool off and I get to wear layers again.

I think I'm going to dye my hair my natural color and just let it grow. As much as I hate conforming to gender stereotypes, I also hate people thinking I'm a lesbian because of my hair. I'm also jealous of my sister's gorgeous hair. So here's to attempt #2 in growing it out.

:: 2013 31 August :: 11.27am

I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

Can I just be stoned for the rest of my life?