crazy girl

crazy girl

:: 2012 2 February :: 8.59pm

I dont understand how I'm supposed to have any sort of life when David cant sleep while I'm not here. He blames the dogs, but he wears ear plugs when he sleeps... and he could just shut the bedroom door too. I dont like feeling guilty for leaving the house. Too bad for him, I have a vet appt tomorrow, plans to go out saturday, and then plans with two different people next week :l

2 Please | respond

cherrytwiggy

:: 2012 23 January :: 12.45pm

testing.

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rayray

:: 2012 17 January :: 3.02pm

I have been trying to find a way to vent without feeling guilty and like a total bitch when I am done. I think I have finally realized that it's not possible for me to do that, and I guess I don't really care too much about those feelings anymore. I will have to deal with them.

I have been struggling to have some kind of civil relationship with Mike's daughter for the last 4ish years. One day, she just decided she didn't want to listen to me anymore, and felt that I can't tell her what to do or anything. At first it caused Mike and I to argue, a lot. He thought I was being mean, or that I didn't know what I was talking about. It took awhile for him to finally see that she really doesn't listen to me, and completely ignores my existence. I thought it was getting better, but I was wrong. Now, she absolutely hates me. She won't admit it to me, or Mike, but we all know. I am not trying to be her parent, because I know she doesn't want me to. But I am not going to sit back and watch her let her grades fall, or see her curse like a sailor on Facebook. So I say stuff to her about it. I am not mean about it, but I am direct, and I come off as a concerned elder, not a parent. However, she see's it differently, and completely disrespects me. The other day, I finally had enough, and I ratted her out to her dad. Because of course she deleted the conversation on her status, so that I didn't have any proof. It really got to me, that she was that disrespectful to me. Well Mike was instantly pissed about it, and let her have it. He took my side and told her that she needed to respect me. A lot of things were said in their conversation. But summary version, I am a bitch and I act like a two year old, and don't deserve respect. And Mike told her not to ask for another damn thing until she learns to respect me, and apologizes.. Now, she won't talk to him. He tells her every night before he starts work, "Good night, I love you". (He sends her and I a text every night telling us that). And she won't respond, if she does, all she says is "night".

I feel horrible that their relationship is shitty. I feel like it's my fault, but at the same time I am happy because they need to learn that he needs to have the upper hand and discipline her, and that she can't get away with everything. I also feel bad, because Reagan loves her, and because she is mad at us, she won't come over for at least a month.. So Reagan is suffering because of that. I want to say something to her, but I don't know how to do it without making things worse..

5 Please | respond

allyson

:: 2012 15 January :: 10.53pm

Two things,
I'm apparently not who I wanted to be or though I was
And two
I wanna ride tanner.
And ride with him.

1 Please | respond

allyson

:: 2012 6 January :: 11.04pm

Woke up early with the girls but at least callie was happy! Autumn went directly downstairs and stayed down.mainly because I had to start diapers. Callie and I came back up to make breakfast. We had scrambled eggs and toast. After callie finished I let her get down while I finished my grocery list for next week. Mean while I hear what sounds like glass and then tin foil rustling. Upon further investigation I see that she has gotten into the candy jar (glass with metal top) and stolen a christmas peanut butter cup, fully un wrapped it including the paper (rustling tin foil). I figured if she did all the work she might as well get to eat it. So I took pictures instead! After that she brought me yogurt melts because apparently 1.5 eggs and a piece if toast was not enough.
Finally autumn realized she was hungry and came upstairs. I was on the phone with grandma and after that I gave autumn cereal and started the bath. We then went up and woke daddy up. We came down for a snack. And then played around for a little while. We had lunch and then went for a walk. We came back and callie fell asleep on the changing table. Autumn went downstairs to watch phineas and ferb while I called around for my lab order. Daddy and callie woke up at around 245. We had fruit snacks. Then Daddy and autumn went to the lab for me and were back by 330. We play on the floor and played in the living room for a while. Then we all got hungry so we put in pizza. We eat and then have cookies for dessert. We cuddle on the couch and watch kung fu panda! Hanging out on the living room floor and then go to bed. Great night.

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rayray

:: 2012 3 January :: 10.24am

I have actually been enjoying Mike being home for the past week. He has helped with Reagan a ton. And he drives me everywhere I have to go. Not to mention we've gotten stuff done around the house. Definitely needed this and I'm not ready for him to go back to work.

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rayray

:: 2011 26 December :: 3.09pm

As usual my mom has to be herself.
She made dinner for us at my sisters, because my sister has a dishwasher. Well, needless to say she left the mess for us to clean up. She took all the meat for fajitas, and left all the rest of the stuff. She wouldn't even join all of us in the living room. She sat in a chair behind the couch so that she could escape outside to go smoke as frequently as she wanted. Seriously, every time we turned around she was outside.

After she left my sister asked my brother and I if we ever remember our dad hitting mom.. Uhm, no. Apparently she was at her "boyfriends" house and was telling my brother in law that our dad used to beat her and of course we will all deny it.. Uh hello, he NEVER hit her. She is pathetic. She seriously has to come up with the stupidest shit for an excuse for why they got divorced.

So I believe next year we are just going to get together for Christmas and not invite her.

4 Please | respond

skife

:: 2011 19 December :: 6.22pm
:: Mood: pissed off

If you bring my child to me one more time without a fucking coat i'm going to clobber you, its fucking winter time... its cold out, you're wearing a coat, why does he have to suffer!?

5 Please | respond

skife

:: 2011 19 December :: 5.27pm

I can't handle being me anymore...

2 Please | respond

rayray

:: 2011 18 December :: 4.48pm

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.
About how much I miss my Grandparents and wish they were here to see Reagan and my nephews grow up. It breaks my heart that they aren't physically here and have missed a lot that has happened in my life. I know they are proud of me, and are watching over me, but its not the same as sharing the moments with them, and hearing them tell me.
I have been thinking a lot about Mike's family. Mainly his brother. His brother has spent the last 3 years in prison. He missed their moms funeral, so he never got to say goodbye. He doesn't know that he has a niece that is a year old. He hasn't seen his son in years. I know that I shouldn't feel bad for him because he put himself in prison, but I do feel bad. He called Mike today to let him know how he was doing, and that he was out of prison. Before he got off the phone he told Mike to tell Darielle he said hi, and then told him he loved him. Mike said I love you back, and I was shocked. I commented about it, and he told me that he did love his brother and that he got the raw end of the deal growing up. That if he hadnt been raised by their mom then he would have turned out better. I said what about your sister? And he told me that he doesn't love his sister. She had a fair chance at life and she chose to screw it up. I guess it is what it is. His family is jacked up, and they barely know my daughter. But I do not want her to know the half of what they are about, so I guess I am going to protect her for as long as I can.
I have been thinking about my life, my relationship. I don't have a perfect relationship by any means. But I don't have a crumbling relationship either. We fight, say things we shouldn't, but we never stay mad. And I am grateful for that. I hate that I live in a trailer, and it depresses me. We struggle for money, and that really gets to both of us. But it makes more sense for me to stay home than it does for me to go back to work.

A lot of my friends have been struggling with deaths, health issues, break ups, and so on. I wish I could take all their pain away and make them feel better. Some of them I wish I could smack in the face and tell them that they need to pull their head out of their ass..

I don't hang out with a lot of people anymore. Social contact is hard for me. People piss me off and I don't want to deal with it.

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skife

:: 2011 18 December :: 2.17am

dear back problems, please go far far away.

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jordanmackenzie7

:: 2011 16 December :: 9.19pm

Isn't it rather amazing how one bad day ruins the several good days leading up to it? I find it fascinating that one person, who treated me well for the better part of two weeks, can completely ruin the memories of the good days in one foul swoop.

Does this ever happen to you? Or am I that negative where I only focus on the bad?

2 Please | respond

jordanmackenzie7

:: 2011 13 December :: 8.58am

I love waking up in the morning to the smell of baby shit...
Ya know, a lot has changed for me over the course of the last year and half or so. Not that that isn't the case at any given point in our lives, but even more so in the past year and a half for me. I finally became a person I like looking in the mirror at. And that's saying something, considering the majority of the time when I look in the mirror I see baggy eyes, unplucked eyebrows, and pasty skin. When I look down at my naked body all I see is my toes protruding from behind a too-big tummy ravaged by scars... Scars from carrying the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen, scars from a surgery necessary so an i.u.d. didn't kill me, pudge from making my son a good home while he grew inside of me. When I look at these "less than beautiful" attributes about myself I am not ashamed. I'll poke some fun and myself for not working off the baby weight and move on with my day. Because my days are now filled with a totally different kind of fun. This is the closest to being a carefree kid I've been since I was a carefree kid. By no means am I careless or carefree, but I feel a sense of innocence surround me that I haven't known before in my life. Haevin does that for me. He makes every difficult time worth it's weight in gold, and then some! Am I a perfect mother and wife? Hell no. But I try, and I am pretty happy with who I am. Even better is that I don't really care who I am to anyone who doesn't matter. If they don't like me, tough shit. The people who are closest know what I stand for, and so do the strangers. If they don't like it... they can take a hike!

Onto my main point. I love the little things in life. I love waking up in the morning to the smell of baby shit. It means that my son is healthy. Yeah, it stinks. But it's a life-affirming sort of stench, lol. I get sick of reading about people who are so focused on "getting there." Life is a journey. It's appreciating everything, the good and the bad. It's not a race to the finish line. If you ever make it to that finish line you better plan on croaking the following day, because that's about it son. When you've stopped learning and caring, and appreciating, your time has come.

This morning I was paid a very nice compliment by my sister on my Facebook page. She said she loved me and was proud of the person I'd become. That really made my day. That someone else can see and appreciate my growth even though it has little, if not nothing to do with them is very refreshing! I have some amazing family to be grateful for. Life is good. And if you haven't realized it yet, start looking for your bliss. Because there will always be negative things in your life to focus on. If you allow them to consume you, you will spend your life miserable. This, I promise you.

So, as corny as it may be... Be the change you want to see in the world.

Rant concluded!

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rayray

:: 2011 11 December :: 10.16pm

I need to vent, while my child is screaming it out by herself.
At my house, its not considered "cry it out".. It's screaming it out, or being murdered. She has a set of lungs, and doesn't let up. Like at all. Ever. She doesn't know how to self soothe. She screams bloody murder, and would go on for HOURS and probably days if I let her. She is stubborn. I'm scared she's going to choke on all the saliva/snot she makes from all the screaming, or when she gets to the point where she throws up. Luckily, she always seems to throw up on the floor and not in her bed or all over herself.

From January to November, once she was asleep at night, she wouldn't wake up til about 8ish.. Once in awhile it would be a little early, and then it started getting later.. And I had her going to sleep in her own bed, on her own. Since the time change/her first birthday, she was waking up between 6 and 7.. Once I got her to sleep til 8 or later, she has been waking up a million times during the night. When she is in her crib, awake, she screams bloody murder like she is being attacked. She could be dead asleep, and the second she touches the mattress in her bed, she is screaming so bad, her body stiffens right out.

I can't seem to win. And now Mike is on 3rd shift, so I have to get her to sleep before he goes to work, otherwise it'll be 10 times harder to get her to go to sleep..

So far, she has been screaming for 12 minutes, and Tyson keeps whining and barking like he needs to go protect her.

I feel like a bad mom for complaining about my child, but I miss sleep. Good sleep, where I don't wake up a million times, or in pain from having to make room for everyone else and sleeping all funky.

22 minutes later, she is still screaming, but not nearly like she was.. And a half an hour ago, she was passed out in my bed and had been sleeping since 9..

6 Please | respond

jordanmackenzie7

:: 2011 1 December :: 8.40pm

I am extremely lonely. I am so grateful for Brenton's job, but I miss him.

2 Please | respond