the question of the night: will i ever go to bed?

probably not til late, real late. i want to stay awake for as long as possible to seem as if i worked on my research paper all night long and still didn't get it finished, so morone won't be that mad at me. nope, definitely am not doing that paper right now. i'm not doing anything. just sitting here, as usual being the boring person i am. i sat on the bus today with my eyes shut wondering if there is any meaning in my life. i simply wake up everyday, go to school, come home, take a nap because i feel exhausted, wake up, eat dinner, do homework if i want to, go online, watch tv, and then sleep for a maximum of 6 hours. no wonder why my research paper isn't finished. instead of being productive, i simply like to think beautiful thoughts and day-dream. somebody please wake me up to reality.

*big sigh* this week, i don't know what is wrong with me. i seem to be a bitch to everyone in my family. the only one who i'm not being a total bitch to is my mom, which is a shocker. every night this week, i seem to yell at my dad because he takes sides with my brother. my mom, she's just a whole different story this week. just sitting in her own little corner of the world with a book or magazine. right now, she's sitting on the couch behind me, silent just flipping through the pages of her landscape book. oh how i miss my mom. i miss telling her about the guys i like, if i'm mad at one of my friends, all the crap. i wish i could talk to her again but i don't want to for the simple thought of her paranoia or just her rambling on after i say one sentence and then i don't feel like talking anymore. it's like my mom has gone from being a 46 year old woman to being, a child, a little girl.

there's almost 2 more years of high school left. that frightens me. it's like once i'm out of ib, and on to college i am on my own. although, i do sometimes feel like i am out on my own now. who knows. maybe it isn't as scary as it seems.

anymore to ramble on about? i doubt it and if so, i'll keep it to myself... leave it for another date and time.

good night all. hope you have a nice weekend. <3

new haircut and chocolate cake, what could be better?

fcat today. blah. dumb. the whole time taking it i was thinking, "this is 4 hours of my life i could be doing something better, what a waste." government was fun, i have no idea why. i laughed plenty though. i think tonight i will work on my research paper and do a lot of chilling out. last night i watched lost in translation instead of doing any work. i like that movie. really made me want to go to japan. whew. i'm officially ready to go to california now. almost 2 weeks away. i guess that's it. peace out.

<3 love.

wrote this in my room while letting the tears fall

I wish I could say everything was fine but it isn't. Went to the therapist after school today with the mom and dad. It was a new one since the last one wasn't on our insurance and costed $100 per hour which was a little expensive for my family. I like dread going to see any therapist though. I'm still believeing that one day I will wake-up and everything will be perfect. I only go for the sake of my dad. I wish so many things these days. The biggest is to come home to a family with everyday problems and not a problem like this one that seems as if it is going to go on for a lifetime. I sat there on the couch by myself with my parents on the opposite couch listening to this lady I just met trying to fix something she doesn't even understand. Trust me, I know it takes time but when I'm being critized while getting help it pisses me off. My mom went off on the reason why she is unhappy is because me and my brother and how we don't pick our freaken clothes up off of our floor. She blamed it on US! Do you know how shitty that makes me feel? To come up with a reason like that, how dare her. It's like, "Thanks guys. You are the reason for my depression. It's all because of you for my unhappy life" She goes off on me then about how IB isn't hard if some nights I come home and sleep and that I'm not even in IB yet so I can't use that excuse. The therapist then says some crap like, "I see you have a lot of anger Mary Anne" then to me says, "Do you think you could start picking the clothes up off your floor?" I was about to scream. Say something like, "LADY WE AREN'T COMING HERE TO TALK ABOUT ME AND PICKING UP CLOTHES, MY MOM IS PSYCHO. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! THERE ARE BIGGER PROBLEMS TO FIX THAN MY FREAKEN CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR!" Well I don't have to go back for a while, thank God. My mom is going back next week alone. Oh how I will love to hear the crap she talks about then. I swear, I hate living here. All i could think about in that stupid meeting was going to college and getting away. Everything here is negative and if you know me, you know that I like to live positively. Like Megan says though, in the end this whole thing is only going to make me stronger.

I wrote that while sitting in the dark crying. Crying feels so much better. But then I cry and can't stop and sometimes even forget the first reason why I even started because I get so worked up that more things to cry about come up in my head. I cry silently so that no one will hear, especially my dad because then he will feel bad and I don't want him to.

nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be so hard. i'm going back to the start.

good bye. love you.

i want to live alone once in my life just so i can truely be free. you know... go to the bathroom with the door wide open, walk around naked, play music as loud as i want, and clean whenever i feel like it.

so yesterday i sat around all day in and around 4 i decided to take a shower and get ready, just in case prince charming showed up around 6. so i straightened my hair, put on make-up, took pics with the camera phone, sat around, and then got a call from princess charming. so princess charming came and picked me up in her white dress. it was the perfect date night. if only it was prince instead of princess. nice time though, thank you princess charming.

good bye. have fun this week. <3

hello world.
i haven't updated in oh... 6 days? yeah danielle doesn't seem to have anything really interesting to write about. so i guess this entry will just be randomosity of what has been going on in my life since the last time.

past weekend = more than wonderful... almost perfect. time with tina and the great family i love so very much.
-walt disney and god talks
-marjuana talks with drunken aunt
-seeing megan
-megan telling me that i will never be dependent on a guy b/c of my mom :)
-talking with grandma
-emily and her 4 year oldness
-hearing my uncle from n.y tell me that i'm not a little girl anymore and just a lady
-sarcasm that i thought was not sarcasm at all and got laughed at it for
-watching donnie darko with my younger boy cousins
-getting a really cute bathing suit from my aunt for who knows what
-"orgasmic" french dessert
-uncle playing my guitar
-burning a million cds
-the laughs i got from "50 First Dates"

oh what a wonderful weekend it was. then i came back to school on tuesday and led the boring life of a student. i think i did bad on my government and stats tests. *shrug* nothing i can do now, just gotta try harder next time.

danielle should be sleeping right now. why isn't she? oh yeah because she falls asleep as soon as she gets home and no one wakes her up and she ends up getting up at 8:15 PM. i'm so not sleepy. so i guess i will blabber on some more.

i think i've finally decided to stop persuing things that will never come. my cousin kept saying this weekend that god will give you the deepest desires of your heart. i have one desire that is deep in my heart that i have had for a while now that hasn't been met. i guess it is all in time but i really wish that i could have that guy in my life. just for once in my life how i would love to like a guy, start talking with him, and then he automatically like me back. that would be in danielle's utopia. i'm happy with life though, but just that one extra thing could make it fantastic.

on another topic... california is what i need right now. simple fun with tina and her family minus her brother and not getting any calls from my mom saying, "i'm coming to get you." no one is going to ruin the fun i will have there. it's gonna be a great vacation.

i hope everyone is having a great week. didn't you like all the blabbering? oh how i know you did. see ya!

love.

wish i had what i needed to be on my own
cause i feel so deflated and
i'm feeling alone and
it all seems so helpless and
i have no plans
i'm a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land
and all i see
it could never make me happy and
all my sandcastles spend their time collapsing

let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me and
let that be enough

valentine's day is almost 24 hours away. do i have a male i will be spending it with? nah. but i do have a pretty fine woman i will be spending it with and i'm pretty happy with that.

so what's new in my life? nothing. school is boring, home is boring... yep you get the drift. most exciting thing this week... conversation with the hygentist while she is cleaning my teeth. funny part of it, it wasn't much of a conversation since she had crap in my mouth and i couldn't say a word.

the weekend should be mucho fun though. time with tina and then seeing my aunt and uncle that will be coming down from ny. must find some time to do work.

dad has been talking about my future car a lot lately. seems like he really wants to make sure i get one. thank goodness.

love you all.

p.s.
look at my icon... i'm making the sign the neptunes make. see i'm just made to be black because i do it naturally. woot.

talked to my grandma on the phone about five minutes ago. the conversation went a little like this. we talked about california and school and then out of nowhere my grandma says, "any new boyfriends?" i say no and she goes, "well that time will come soon. you'll find mr.right" that made me smile. don't ask me why.

yesterday afternoon went home with heather. she lives in a super-nice neighborhood. we had lots of fun. the night contained of chinese food, favorite parts of sixteen candles, favorite parts of she's all that, and listening to her computer making animal noises such as the whale and cow. daddy and mommy came and picked me up and dad drove really fast home, freaking out the mom. haha.

i can't wait til i get a car.
smile. i am.

<3

i will love you until my dying day...
another bad night at home. evey night seems to be bad these days. nothing seems to work. even crying in her face and telling her that i wish she would get help doesn't work. she says some pretty cruel things to my dad making it as if it is his fault. i hate her for that. my dad came in my room tonight and saturday night and cried. whose dad does that? mine. he wants his wife back just like i want my mom back.

sorry for talking about my mom. i just need an outlet like the great and wonderful woohu.

this weekend was great. i've said it many, many times before, but i just love them. they bring out my happiness especially when i get to spend them with tina and then spend time with all my favorite girls in my fam, megan, emily, johannah, and aunt jenny. oh how i love them all. it's like my only time i get to spend with beautiful normal girls. it was pleasant.

will you be my baby's daddy? hehe.

good bye.
<3

*sigh* the week is over. what a pleasant thought that is.

this weekend=time with tina and superbowl fun.

life is just so blah right now. the most exciting news i get is that i get my wisdom teeth pulled sometime in this next month. this week has made me feel so many things, the one main thing though is the lonliness. this month is coming to an end and i've realized that i haven't done much of what i said i would. oh well, there's always next month, right?

on other notes, my mom i think is getting worse by the day. i hate coming home. at times, i wish i could stay at school forever or just stay on the bus. listening to my dad talk about her to me just makes me want to cry. he misses the one woman he has always loved. i could never even imagine how it would feel to be in that situation, all i know is that it hurts. my dad stays home on fridays and now he doesn't even want to stay home on his day off. a lot of the times i feel bad for leaving him on the weekend because i know that i'm the one that keeps him sane. the weekend is what keeps me sane and spending it with people i love. i still love my jesus though and hope you pulls through and rescues this distraught family of mine.

i think i am done blabbering. time to go to tina's to get sane because i'm so out there right now. good night. have a nice weekend. love you.

the phone was lost but now it is found. yay. it works and everything.

lots of work to do this week in school.
-chem test
-art history test
-stats test
-english test
-government media project due
-daybook due

it all seems so exciting. i can't wait. hehe.

<3 you all.

good music in the mall today. ran into some people. christina, christine, and ari. oops. didn't know they were going to wellington. returned boots that i never wanted. got 3 shirts and 2 skirts. it really is therapy, when you buy things. it just makes you feel better.

tonight is the fair. =)
i hope it is lots of fun.

have a nice night everyone and an even better remaining weekend.

<3

i have a problem, it's called procrastination. been home for 4 hours. have i started homework? no.

school is boring as always. i enjoy classes though. talking to peeps in government, looking at pretty art in art history, sitting around in p.e., having ms.swanson laugh at me for just being me, and dr.baum wondering why i am happy all the time just makes me somewhat content with school. it's amazing. i think it's just because of the friends though. friends are great.

anything else to say? idk why i posted. just felt like it? yeah.

love you.

one day i'll fly away. leave all this to yesterday.

so tomorrow as i find out today isn't going to be with the whole family, just me, my brother, and dad. the counselor said it would work better that way. *sigh* i wish they could be there, but i know they will be there in spirit. i'm so extremely worried/terrified.

i'm going to switch subjects just to make me feel better.

tonight was the all-star football game for high schools. my brother, dad, uncle, and i went. 4 atlantic players played, though our side lost. what else? did i mention how much i love my little cousin? when we went to go get my uncle at his house to go to the game my little cousin was there and she was like, "don't go danielle, stay here and play with me." as i was walking out the door she like grabbed my leg and held onto it, pulling me to stay. i like feeling wanted, even by a sweet four year old, but then again who doesn't? ok i'm done.

love you and you.