godessalthena
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2023 5 December :: 5.13am
I think at this point I can spill the beans... well bean (singular)
I am almost 8 weeks pregnant! after a few miscarriages I think this one is going to stick around. I'm due in July, two days after my bestie's birthday and once day after my brother's birthday.
I am so excited to embark on this journey with my husband. I have lost 35 lbs in preparation and have been trying very hard to eat healthy and exercise regularly.
we saw it's lil heart beating on an ultrasound, it was the size of a blueberry. I almost cried. it looks like part of the horse head nebula in there. morning sickness is fucking horrible and same with the cramps, insomnia and pains... I miss sushi. but all are small prices to pay for an opportunity like this.
been working at a craft store part time. it wears me the fuck out and makes me fuckin hate boomers but the discount is nice and I have my own spending money. it's also an excuse to get out of the house and meet new people. not everyone is bad but we don't have too many people working any given day so it's exhausting trying to do the job of 3 people with just one. my supervisor said I do so well he forgot I'm new.
I was so scared to tell my parents because they always said don't have kids, but when I told mom she was SO excited. I haven't really told my dad yet, just because I don't want to lose it and have to tell him that too. he fell down the stairs the other day.. fractured 3 ribs and punctured a lung, had to stay overnight on the hospital. he's doing better but damn. they are getting old :(
I am so scared I'm going to be a terrible mom. or the world will be so fucked up life will be really hard for them as they grow up. but we talked to a financial advisor and he said we are in great shape for our age and that we can even afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I think that'll make a huge difference in it kids life.
ahhhh so much stuff
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godessalthena
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2023 12 November :: 7.23am
don't want to make any announcements, but some big news is in the works.
just don't want to jinx it.
working at the craft store has been such a fun experience! I love getting to do a bunch of different things, being active at my job, the discount is amazing. my coworkers.... all much younger than me, stoned at work all the time, baby faced complainers. but as long as I just put my head down and stay on task shit just feels right.
I know our how will be cut after the holidays, but I am hopeful that maybe I'm valuable enough to keep around. if not, that's fine too.
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godessalthena
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2023 18 October :: 12.52pm
"i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love"
-e.e. cummings
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godessalthena
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2023 17 September :: 1.41pm
everything is going so well
so why do I feel my soul imploding
my whole life no one ever wanted to listen to me, trust me, have faith in me.
how do I earn those things? I am at the end of my rope.
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godessalthena
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2023 6 September :: 8.11am
my husband and I have been trying to conceive
I've had at least 2 chemical pregnancies. it's been heartbreaking, and difficult not to think there's something wrong with me.
but since I am considered geriatric in terms of womanhood, it will probably be a very difficult journey.
not sure I'm ready, but my husband is the most amazing man in the world and with his support I feel like I can accomplish anything.
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godessalthena
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2023 19 August :: 7.01am
it's all burning down.
and I'm going up in smoke right with it.
I can't express the depths like I can't express these breaths.
I am a fundamentally damaged person, and maybe I'm broken completely?
what good am I, anyway..?
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godessalthena
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2023 24 July :: 2.45pm
been sitting back and watching the flux of the universe
ebbing and flowing, bringing bounty and ruin
through the chaos, bubbles form in the matter
sparking a sense of organization and meaning once lost on me
despite the constant flood of bad news and terroristic acts, my heart has found a raft in his love
weather beaten and storm torn, I still feel stunning and resolute when his baby blues rest lovingly upon my corpulent frame
I just want to be better every day to make him proud of me, because I want to be proud of me, because I believe in the him that believes in me
we are all living on a spiral, and instead of out, I am lovingly spiraling up
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godessalthena
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2023 7 July :: 2.03pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
I am now a Mrs! we eloped on Tuesday because the small group we invited to the ceremony started getting very... selfish? so we just did our own thing. we had sushi at our favorite restaurant and everyone got along and had a beautiful time.
the fire pit and patio are huge successes!! we have had 4 fires so far, and I just can't get enough toasted marshmallows. our butterfly garden is starting to really take off, but some critter keeps coming in at night trying to fuck shit up!
also finally losing weight. my last day at work is the 14th and I already feel like this huge weight is lifted off my back....
next on the agenda... buy a house so my disabled friend can live in it and get out of the shitty section 8 housing complex she is stuck in. this has been a dream for a very long time, and my partner is completely on board with the idea. having an actual partner who always meets me at least halfway is just... remarkable.
I didn't think life could feel this good. I just hope it's not short lived. I know this marriage will take a lot of work, but he's worth it.
I could just pop, so happy.
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godessalthena
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2023 26 May :: 10.27pm
life is a rollercoaster ride that you are either too short or too tall for.
my heart is the fullest it's ever been. I finally feel optimistic for the future. I finally see there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
plans for a hummingbird garden and a fire pit are coming together. the big day is set for the end of next month. I can't believe this is real life. I feel stupid for waiting so long to reach out, but I love the whirlwind I'm wrapped up in.
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godessalthena
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2023 6 March :: 5.14pm
I hate these chronic feelings of being completely unimportant
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godessalthena
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2023 1 March :: 10.35am
I am just a piece of shitty trash in the Pacific ocean garbage patch
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godessalthena
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2022 23 December :: 3.44am
I keep dreaming of us living in different places together.
I dream that you are all torn up, that you're broken and sad.
I hurt for you, with you. I do miss you.
"you once called me forever, now you still can't call me back"
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godessalthena
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2022 26 November :: 1.35pm
https://youtu.be/iWG6apzIWAk
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godessalthena
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2022 17 November :: 4.11pm
when every song puts me into your point of view
each tune is a tune i wish I could share with you
but you had to go fuck it all up
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godessalthena
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2022 16 October :: 7.24pm
words are cheap.
anyone can say "I love you", but not many can show it
did you ever love me?
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godessalthena
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2022 7 September :: 4.25pm
:: Mood: pensive
When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
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godessalthena
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2022 12 August :: 8.48am
things are good, real good
yet I can feel the sword of damacles hanging over me
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godessalthena
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2022 25 July :: 10.23am
there has to be something wrong with me
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godessalthena
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2022 9 June :: 6.27pm
having one of those may I please die now days
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godessalthena
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2022 24 April :: 9.07am
major life changes I'm not ready for are my least favorite
but respecting myself is more important to me than being loved, shy of 7 years I had to let you go.
I love you, the feelings don't just disappear. being sons you make me feel like I used to, but at the same time everything we have gone through leaves a disgusting bitter taste in my mouth.
I believe in you. all I have ever wanted is to see you succeed and take the life you deserve. but I started enabling the bad habits with no recourse. no one is innocent in the situation.
not how I wanted to spend my birthday, 4/20, or our anniversary. and soon you'll be back in the tricities and I won't have the option of just driving down and seeing you.
why do things have to come to this every time..? four long term relationships crashing and burning. each one gets worse and worse. every time I come back stronger, but a piece of my heart also rots away.
I'm just ready for something to be easy
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