This One Time At Band Camp...

This One Time At Band Camp...

:: 2004 15 November :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: soooo grumpy

okay okay

i'm crazy and i keep getting more weird.

i can't be aloof and i can't be overbearing and i can't find a middle ground where i feel normal and i want constant reassurance. i want to yell and hide and get a better taste in my mouth.

i mean i don't believe that it's okay even though it must be. does that make sense?

maybe i'm not even ready and i'm just going to be really imature or i'll be really good and hide all my fear and then i'll freak out.

you know it'll be fine and then that melting feeling will come and i'll pretend like i'm not crazy. and then i'll feel weird again. i'm not an intuitive person. i'm just freaking nuts.

maybe i'll follow my own advice. no bull. but that would involve me telling the story again.

ugh.

12 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 15 November :: 6.36am

I'm not sure why I can't seem to breath. Maybe I'm losing the hang of it.

5 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 14 November :: 11.17pm

will i be the kind of person who doesn't own a toaster?

pray for me.

4 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 13 November :: 10.52pm

I'm so mollifed and happy. And I don't even feel stupid or ugly or like i have to look impressive. i can trust and i can feel safe. but it's not anxious and it's not mean or embarassing and i don't have to listen to my doubt because it's not telling the truth.

it's nice.

and i don't freak out when i see durangos or look at the clock at 9:24 or care.

i only wish my mom would be happy too. not be such a meanie. but that's the only fly in the ointment.

and maybe i'll quit my jarb. and maybe i'll get my period soon and my body will be better and i can have babies.

4 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 13 November :: 12.25am

intense.

ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 10 November :: 3.29pm

"Are we available for Thanksgiving dinner?"

what a strange thing to say.

i was planning on three things this afternoon. So far, two of them are not happening.

5 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 10 November :: 11.44am

every one in this school is crazy.

9 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 8 November :: 11.13pm

i hate you. you're supposed to be dead.

how could you?

3 can't stop the B.M. | ok...i was in band....

sugarmouse0587

:: 2004 7 November :: 9.29am

so cool.