toki
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2005 9 October :: 2.10am
You probably think you're better then me. You don't want to admit to, but I know you think it. It's constantly ringing in the back of your head. Look at that girl. Look at Patrice. Got into every fucking college she applied to, but still is slaving away at CLC. And do you know why?! I'm a fucking chicken. I can't commit myself to anything! I can't decide something like this and stick with it. It scares me. I can't do it. And so I'm here, being the townie I always knew I was going to be. I work at a fucking movie theatre. I see people from VHHS come to see movies when they visit home and they go.."Oh so where do you go to college?" Oh, CLC. How's that? Why? Because I'm a dumb shit. That's why. I'm a fucking dumbshit. And there's really nothing I can do to change that. I know how you look at me. The same way I looked at people like me before. The same way I looked at my sister. And I deserve every bit of it. I deserve it.
You know what? Take your fucking perfection. Go to your prestigious schools that no one else can get into. Win all the fucking awards you can in high school. Be honor thespians, All State musicians and theatre people. Graduate with honors. See if I fucking care.You deserve it.
You know who doesn't? You know who ends up at fucking Rivertree the rest of her life? You know who's going to completly throw every possibility of success at risk just because she's scared shitless?
Yep. I'm not going to deal with it anymore. I hate who I am. I hate most of where I am right now. I hate what I look like and what I wear and how I act.
I only have one or two people who don't mind wasting time with me. And I hate myself for that too. Because it's my fault that I have no one else. I love them, but it's all I have. And I know it's my fault. And I hate myself.
I go to CLC. I was just anouther sheep in the flock. I'm nothing different. I'm just a dumb shit.
I just want to do something special. I want to do something worth telling other people about. I want to be worth something. I want to do something, but I can't think of anything.
I just can't do it anymore. And that's that.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2005 6 October :: 6.02pm
Yea. I have nothing to do. I am fasting i get to break my fast until like 6:30 so i just a chillin. Im gonna go for a book now in the library. THis library has like half floors its weird.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2005 6 October :: 1.37pm
Nerdiness
OMG bio is so cool. Yea total nerd moment but all the bones and hwo they fit and work together is like super amazing. Totally pissed at the fact that i had the lab after the class. Cuz if i had it before i might have stayed awake during the lectures cuz its cool. Like how top bone (i would know the name if i stayed awake in class) weighs more than like ur femur cuz it has to be stronger to protect the brain. Its cool shit. Now i have to go study for chem which is not cool. I hate that class. But w/e.
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2005 2 October :: 4.10am
i hate being hungover. Its a bitch and a half. im not drinkin again.
4 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 30 September :: 10.15am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: You Oughta Know- Alanis Morissette
I feel sick. I hate my mom. I hate my dad.
Does anyone see any wrong in Ryan and I sharing a suitcase? My mom was flipping out because he'd see my underwear. But suitcases have pockets. And I could put them in one of those...and he would have no reason to see them...
Then I got the lecture on how I look. I don't look nice. I look dirty. ??? I don't get that. I don't get how I look dirty. My clothes aren't the kind of clothes that get wrinkly. And she kept refering to this one shirt that was wrinkled once last week. Then she flips out about my work clothes, but its work! And I don't have to look like uber nice there. I mean, we're always cleaning and getting into dirty stuff. It makes no sense that she flips out like that. No sense at all. And my hair. Because I don't take time to wear it down, and instead just throw it in a ponytail, that makes me dirty. O.o;; I just don't have time. Holy hell... I don't know what to do. I don't mind how I look at all.
So, question two, do you think I look wrinkly and scummy with my hair and clothes?
Then of course I got yelled at for my weight gain. Awesome. As if I'm not freaking out about it already.
I figured out that if I eat 1,200 calories everyday for 3 months I can lose all the weight that I want to. So, definitly getting on that after I get back from vacation. Hopefully it works. I'm tired of being told by my mother that I'm fat. I need to be like Amanda and Gabby. I know she compares me to them. I don't get why she won't admit it.
Anyways, scared to death of Arizona. Parents. Major Eeeeep.
If I survive, I'll see you all when I get back.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2005 29 September :: 4.16pm
Hey whats up? (Yea i know jorie the sky)
Anyway so im bored, i just finished my classes. Too exhausted to start h/w cuz its tough shit. I think were goin to a hookah bar this weekedn which should be exciting. (Belmont stop off the red line, join). I know u guys wont adn if you really wanted to hookah u'd go to the Bellajo cafe in libertyville. But im comin home this weekend (to babysit) but the homecoming game is this weekend which imight show up to, if i get off of work on time. i dunno i don't wanna go but i told ppl im goin. W/e. nothin else.
<3 yasamin
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
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toki
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2005 27 September :: 1.42am
1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? : My hair. Whether or not its all flyaway-like
2. How much cash do you have on you? : 12 cents!
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST": FEST!!! Kinda like a party. Test= party
4. Favorite planet?: Jupiter
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your MOBILE phone? : Ryan
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: Happy Days :-)
7. What shirt are you wearing?: Orange hooded sweatshirt. Oh! Together, Jill and I make LHS
8. Do you "label" yourself?: Loser. Mostly.
9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?: White socks. Sam's club variety. I wear my awesome not matching shoes everyday though. :-D Yay for those shoes.
10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright, unless I have a headache
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: Jill? She smells. Just kidding. She's cool. We make fun of Shonsky man together. Wooo!
12. Ever "spilled the beans"?: Hahaaa...yeaaaaah
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?: "Studying". Meaning I was playing cell phone games
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: Good Job! We should eat ice cream after school today!
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?: I shoot the dude or kiss Johnny Depp sometimes.
16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: Hey, Poop
17. Who told you they loved you last: Umm...Ryan Hoffman
18. Last furry thing you touched?: Thor!
19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past Three Days? I took advil at work the other day. It felt like someone had punched me a billion times in the stomach.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? two? But they're b&w. And Jewel sucks at that.
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 18
22. Your worst enemy?: Cultural Anthropology
23. What is your current desktop picture?: V for Vendetta. I should change that.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?:I was just talking to myself as i was typing to jackie. I think the last thing I said was "I'm a hooker now!"
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?: Million bucks. I could fix any regret. ;-) Haha
26. Do you love / like someone?: A boy. Yeah. He's a good kid.
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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goose
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2005 26 September :: 7.13pm
boring survey, only read if your bored
These are supposedly 26 questions that no one would ever think to ask. Answer them, then REPOST the bulletin:
1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? : my hair...is it so messy that i am forced to fix it or can i just leave it and get away with it?
2. How much cash do you have on you? : $20
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST": Pest
4. Favorite planet?: Pluto
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your MOBILE phone? : Mom
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone?: Your Body is a wonderland
7. What shirt are you wearing?: Black hooded sweater
8. Do you "label" yourself?: Band Dork, Theatre Freak, Loser...yes
9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing?: im wearing striped socks. but normally i wear payless shoes i dont know what brand cuz it wore off because there the greatest shoes ever and i wear them almost everyday!
10. Bright or Dark Room? which do i prefer or which do i have? i have purple elephants on my walls covered up by many show posters, props, and picture frames with cool people in them. oh and an awesome cymbal :) so its technicolor...
11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?: Keister Rocks!
12. Ever "spilled the beans"?: im not totally sure on that one
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?: eating truffles
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?: today was a long day
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners?: no, theyre annoying
16. What's a saying that you say a lot?: thats cute
17. Who told you they loved you last: Matt
18. Last furry thing you touched?: K.C.
19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past Three Days? just Levoxyl and thats perscription
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? like 4 and i got a digital camera 3 years ago so i dont even know whats on them
21. Favorite age you have been so far? 18
22. Your worst enemy?: school
23. What is your current desktop picture?: Mexico...blue water blue sky, palm trees and white sand. its pretty, i just changed it today
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?: I got excited when my mom brought me my pills. i think i said yay! thank you! (exciting right?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?: million bucks...the things i regret i have learned to put past me and get over...so in okay right now
26. Do you love / like someone?: Yes! :)
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 25 September :: 9.11pm
I can't get back to studying. I tried.
I didn't mean to. God, fuck. I can't do this. I swear, I can't. I can't keep going like this. I'm not complaining for sympathy or understanding, that's not helping any.
Instead of sympathy, take a metal pole and whack me across the head. Please. I'm begging you.
I just can't do this anymore. Any of it. I'm trying, though. I promise. I can't keep on. I just can't. And I hate myself for it.
I'm being selfish. I know. I'm selfish and clingy and stupid and I don't want to deal with myself. I've spent the past weekend just crying. And I feel like a complete shit for it.
Please? I can't do it. I can't.
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 24 September :: 12.55am
I broke too. I'm very much broken. I very much need a band aid. A very big one.
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 23 September :: 1.34am
Chances are if you know me and actually care about me, I really don't deserve it.
I'm just not a good person. And that's the truth.
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 21 September :: 10.54pm
:: Mood: scared
I feel better now. I have apple, hot apple cider, and Barnelli's bread in my stomach.
Good times, guys.
I'm still scared. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't want to be, but I am. But I'll be okay. I always am. It's the way I roll.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2005 21 September :: 11.15am
Calculus sucks, its tough shit
Chem 2 much to memorize (need to memorize like 92 elements and other random crap). Btw i've had 3 chem labs broke shit in 2 of them
Speech: is a bitch
Anatomy:everything i did in AP bio last year i've just done and wait there is more biology
Psych: you all lied, filthy liers psych is just a bastard. (ok college psych and Mr. mann psych i guess have to be different)
So basically this week i have a test, quiz, or speech in all of these classes. Damn it why aren't i business major they don't do anything, im serious! (yea i have a test at 1230 so just freaking out a tad)
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sandatthebeach
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2005 19 September :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: IMEA music repeating in my head
Wireless Mouse
So yes, Senioritis has definitely hit me hard core. It's great. I only have two text books and they already seem like too much. Hahahaha.
I'm freaking out about colleges. I just had to make things way more stressful for myself by going into music. Because my admission is mostly based on my audition. If I fuck up on my audition, goodbye to that school.
So my top schools right now are DePaul and Indiana. Two really really really great schools, especially for music. Fuck. Lots of competition as well. I just want to be good, you know? Blah. But my heart's set on DePaul right now. The more I look into that school, the more I like it. It's in freakin Chicago and I've always wanted to experience the city life just once. My dream was to go to school in New York City but that didn't work out. Chicago will have to do. I mean, there's nothing wrong with Chicago either. I guess just because of the fact that I live less than an hour away from it just makes it weird but really...I don't know much about Chicago even though I've lived here my entire life. I was born there too. Well, not downtown Chicago but in the city nonetheless. Plus the Music school at DePaul is in the Lincoln Park Campus which is where I would prefer to be rather than the Loop. Being in Lincoln Park will give me the more tradition college feel than the Loop which is something that I want...and the city...all at the same time. It would be perfect for me.
Holy crap I really really want to go there. I know my grades and test scores will get me in but I'm just worried about the auditon and fucking that up hardcore.
Ok..I'm starting to clear my head. I'm gonna go there. I will. I'm going to work my butt off until I get in.
I'm not applying to Northwestern. It's an amazing school and I'm in love with the campus but as an undergraduate student...I'll pass. The boy will be disappointed but too bad...my college choices, not his.
Oh the boy. He makes me really really happy. :-)
Ok, that was a brief rant about collges. There will probably be plenty more to come.
Always, Sandy
3 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2005 19 September :: 4.13pm
MY HOT SEXY PHONE
is back. SO call me (same number) so i can ahve ur number. If you guys are bored come visit me @ loyola, I really dont have anything to do....well there are classes but if i am not caffinated i fall asleep in those. Adios chicas. Oh btw i got my eyebrows threaded, a fucking bitch, but it doesnt hurt as much as waxing. OK. Adios.
yasamin
P.S. what is up wiht the ghost in the theatre???
Have my fears pushed you out?
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