insane
A long time ago, I was raised on the issues of being honest, being faithful, and being who you are.

Let me tell you. Its bullshit. I'm sick of being honest. I'm sick of being faithful. I'm sick of being me.
All I do by following these guide-lines is hurt myself and others. I'm tired of it. I don't know what I want anymore. I thought I used to know, but I don't. I'm like a blind man wandering in a field. Trying desperately to grab something he can be familar with, but he finds nothing.

So many things going on in my head at once. I think I know the real reason I don't wanna join track. When I run, I'll be alone...nothing but me and my thoughts. I don't want that. I'm tired of over analyzing, thinking of things that'll might not happen, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't worry. I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm doing track because spud is in it. I can't ditch, even though we won't really see each other.

Maybe this stuff will clear up over time, but I'm still under a lot of stress. I'm sure most of you people will skip this entry, merely because you don't want to hear me bitch.
I guess...just give me a reply, if you actually read this. Just say, "I'm here" or just comment. Something. I don't care what you do, as long as you don't bitch at me.

tomorrow
So, tomorrow my father is gonna come in and talk to my Family Living class about his job as a MRI tech for alliance. My mom asked me, "do you think he'll embarass you?" I wanted to say,"no, I've been doing a good job by myself lately, so, I should be good." I honestly won't be bothered, but some chick in our class was exetremely bothered, and it was obvious in her manner. I really don't care. There is virtually nothing he can do to further ruin the family name, because I'm already doing a good job. heh.
No, I have good self-esteem.
Plus tomorrow is the day I turn in my death penalty paper, which I'm not confident about at all, and it basically decides my grade.
For those of you who think I've been acting funky lately...I have. I've felt like crap for quite awhile, but its really bad now. So, if I'm silent or acting different, I'm sorry, theres a lot on my mind and I feel like crap. They don't make a winning combo, people.
So, I'll go to school tomorrow. See ya then.

dum de dum
Sooooo, I'm making an update purely for dreams entertainment...dum de dum. We could talk about how insanly insane jacko is, but I don't want to. Actually, I do. I mean, the guy is nuts, bananas, and he's crazier than a soup sandwich! I mean, he dangles a kid over his balcony? Whats his explanation?
It looked like it needed some fresh air...so I decided to DANGLE IT OVER AN EDGE IN FRONT OF A CROWD!!!
Or his racism thing? Claming the owner of his cd company was being a racist to him...Jacko, you need to PICK a race first man. You can't be all that. I didn't watch that stupid documentary. When you watch it, you are just supporting his actions, so, cut it out! Dangling children doesn't equal a happy U.S.

see above


crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real


there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/I can't seem


to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...

to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
so insecure

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling/confusing what is real

Dude
I'm sick of coming on here and making funky entries, so I'm gonna stop. They are pointless, but I do them because it makes me feel better.

So, anyway, I went to see a friend of mine down in lansing. Fun fun. He's a video game fanatic, and the one thing I love about video games, is its a way to zone out, and forget your worries for awhile.
But, he's a video game fanatic, so I enjoyed myself. I couldn't sleep because...well, I've...not been taht brihgt latley.
But, other than the mental games I'm dealing to myself, I'm doing ok.

The only thing I dislike about lansing is they are dirty people. What do I mean? They cheer for MSU and have given up on the lions and opted for the bears. They suck. I really don't have anything to go off on a rant about, so I'll leave you with this weird quote I heard on TV the other night.

I spent forty thousand dollars and nobodys boobs are getting bigger?!

Wheeeee
Yeah, I had a pretty darn good entry going, but woohu deleted it. Thats great. Just great. So now I'll just summerize by telling you my current mood.
Happiness 6/10
Frustration 9/10
Energy 8/10
Confusion 11/10
Self-Esteem 4/10

I guess that sums it up.
If you have any question or comments, just remember you are inconvencing me.

Insomnia
So here I am.
Presented with choices. I should do something about it, but what do I do instead? Simple. I just sit here and hope something just happens. I don't do anything, I just sit and pray that a miracle occurs, because I'm scared of it. I don't wanna lose what I've earned but its slipping away at the same time. So what do I do? The same thing I always mother fucking do. Just sit back and watch it slip away, because I can't do anything, I'm scared of what will happen.

This entry is pretty long, but will leave you with an important sense of superiority
Well, I've returned from my escapades up north.
Huttah. Yeah, great fun.
Well, it was iffy. On Friday night, my nose acted up, and god knows what happens when that happens...My sinuses kick in.
It does it every year, day in, day out, all my nose does is run, and I get a real nasty cough too. So, ladies, my phone number is 696-1032...
I'm just glad that it happened on Friday, not thursday cuz if I had gone to swirl, it wouldn't have been a problem.
So, I woke up at six to go with nate up north, as I originally said on friday. AT SIX. This meant I would have to find a comfortable sleeping position. I tried until seven, when I got a good idea.
I could sleep on the floor, right across, from door to door. Good idea, right?
No.
I did that and got stuck, and, to boot, Nate layed on the freakin seat, pinning me on the floor anyway.
After we got at the cabin, nates family busted out the snowmobiles. I thought, snowmobiling...sounds like fun. So, off we went, and we went pretty fast. I thought at first, well, this isn't so bad. Its pretty fun. Then the bumps start. Went over the first few bumps and tried many different things, most of which nearly threw me off. So, I took the bumps in my man. No, I don't mean like a man, IN my man. Ladies, (If any are reading) I would skip the next sentence...
My balls really REALLY hurt from that freakin bouncing.
Ok, it wasn't as sexified and sick as I planned on making it sound, but, who cares? So up and down up and down, my butt starting to hurt. We went back to the cabin for awhile, then went out snowmobiling later on. Up and down, up and down. My balls were so sore...ow. You chicks have no idea. Sure, maybe your boobs would bounce around, but thats a whole other sexual organ talk.
So, we get back, and I drew and started a Bill and Bob cartoon on snowmobiling.
Those of you who know me well are probably saying, "Wait a second, he hasn't talked about being hurt yet." Well, you are right. Let me explain both ways of me getting hurt.
The first time, I mocked up going up a small hill, and fall off the back...with my boot still stuck in the freaking foothold. So here I am, being dragged along for about 5 feet, trying to get my boot off or something. I survived, obviously, but the second time was more painful. I had to abort the mobile for fear of hitting a tree. I should have stayed on it because I leaped off square into a branch. Ow. That didn't feel good.
So, back at the cabin, we started to watch 'Big fat greek wedding', but it sucked big fat greek nuts, so I slept instead. I had a weird dream...but I've prattled on enough in this entry, so I'll type it later. So I woke up, COMPLETELY unable to move. My back was KILLING me. I couldn't move at all. Nothing. I had to s...low...ly drag out of bed and eat breakfast, and get ready to leave. After some driving, I came home and took a freakin shower. Let me tell you, it felt great. Nice warm shower...ah.
So, thats it. I'll be on chat later, as I've missed human conversation. So, I might see you tonight. See? Whatever, ILYTL.

gone
On Saturday and early sunday I'm going to be up north with Nate...so, I won't be on woohu or even home or anything. So, I'm not around...not a tricky concept, is it?
Anyway, I'm not sure what we are going to be doing, but I'll probably look stupid, buy candy, and run around naked.
Who knows? I might find a chick this time.
With a full set of teeth.
Anyway, I'll be back late sunday, for anyone that cares.

Valentines Day
This time of year, you can usually sort people with ease. Basically, the ones who hate valentines day have no boyfriend or girlfriend they constantly make out with and have oral with. The people that love it...well, its quite obvious what THEY are doing.
Yeah, so this valentines day, I'll be hangin with all my hoes. I got so many, I can't count them all. After all, I'm a pimp. I think I'll go to swirl with all of them at once...Ok, I lied. I'm not a pimp.

But I do have twenty ladies tailing me.

Ok, thats also a lie. Only fifteen.

Alright, maybe I don't have a chick because I'm not that honest.
Valentines Day is the same for me, year in, year out. I watch people enjoy themselves, look at the stupid valentines day cards in shops, and get drunk like crazy.
I usually play drinking games. This year, I think I'll take a shot everytime someone on TV says the word, The. Last years word, Ardvaark, wasn't said that often.
That and I'm sick of people talking about swirl. Even if I WAS going, I don't feel the urge to hear it being talked about twenty million times. Swirl, squirrel, swil, and Swirlee, I don't care.
I think I'll play my stupid simulation game and let my guy have sex with around 6 people...all in one night.
Yes, in the virtual world, I'm quite the playa. In real life, I don't think I am.
I don't know what I'll be doing on valentines day though.
If you see me on the news inside meijers in the hallmark section screaming, "I'LL HALL YOUR MARK!!!" don't be too alarmed.

Yeah, sure
Um...an update...lets see, I ah...um...whatever.
I'm taking it in the shorts in band. Turns out because I sucked REALLY REALLY bad on an old quiz, I lost a chair spot. Thats not cool. Its retarded. I still think Robuck may have wanted me at first chair, but couldn't because of protocol. I'm clinging to that, cause I felt awful when I heard andy beat me.
I don't hate andy, and I don't hate robuck, I'm just mad at my past self. So, whatever.
I gave moe that 'hot' candy today. No dice, from what I can tell. Who cares? It was just a little thing.
I can't wait...a biology lab tomorrow...god knows I've been patiently waiting for this. Thats the only part I wanna do. Set stuff on fire, and slice animals open...yay. My group is gonna get bitched at for not following safety procedures.
Well, guess what? Don't tell us about the safety procedures then not do a REAL lab for 3 months...it won't work.
I'm actually enjoying geometry. I kinda like Nier, hes got that attitude that teachers need these days. So I came home and did homework right away (a serious first!!) and enjoyed myself. So, yeah, I felt the urge to update, so here you go! ILYTL!

Today
Part of yesterdays feelings still linger, but not many. I enjoyed myself today. Stayed up super late (again) talking to jackie...then her drunk sister.
I had fun doing that last night, and it cleared my mind a bit. Then today I stayed in bed (Not sleeping the entire time) until about 12:00, contemplating all the stuff going on lately. I\'ve concluded that my life is going to be one hail mary after another. I don\'t have plans, and I don\'t care. I don\'t need them. You can\'t make them now. Teachers are all like, \"focus on the future\" its bullshit. Our interests change more than square dancers. I don\'t have plans. People talking about war and the air force, and the navy. No. I don\'t plan on that.
We\'ll see where life takes me...but enough of that.
Today I saw Shanghai Knights. That was pretty funny, and Jackie chan is still the best kung fu type guy. It was ok, but jackie chan is funnier when he is with Chris Tucker. That one chinese chick is hot though. He he...anyway, we got home and I\'ve been doing nothing.
Well, I did go outside and shoot some hoops. But that was it. So yeah.
Oh, and now I\'m not going to Swirl, because jackie equals bad at math.
I really don\'t care though. One less worry for me. Well, today I should\'ve been working on the movie, but I couldn\'t...for multiple reasons. So, it\'ll be delayed for yet another month or so. Its just as well. None of us really have any skit ideas that would be funny.
Spuds basement has a bar setup, so that could be done. But I have zip for ideas in a bar. spud might, but I don\'t. So far, I only have a few ideas, but it would involve cooperation from many people, most of which aren\'t willing to help because they are jerks...I guess. I dunno. One idea would require a large number of people, and robuck. Another would require a medium group of people, and Dani and Roman, if they are gonna be field conductors. Theres a third idea, but I don\'t think I could get it to work. I\'m thinking of making a poll about it. We\'ll see.
Anyways, we\'ll see what tomorrow brings. Later.