Today
Yup, so today sorta was good but sucked at the same time. That invite for track was ok. But of fucking course I couldn't place. We all know that I can't win or do good in something, otherwise I'd get happy, and thats evil. So, for the 3200, I gave what little I had to offer and got a 2:20...My personal best, and isn't half bad. :)
Ryan got a 2:19, Darrell got a 2:26. Not bad right? Well, Webber fucked it all up with his 2:37. Nice man. Real nice. So, all of my energy went down the tubes for no reason, because we came in last. Grand huh? Well, there was still the 800, but I could tell I wasn't going to be able to stay in the lower 20's. I felt sick as hell. Sure enough, I was way back, with a 2:27 to show for it. So, I wasted a saturday. At this point I was feeling like shit and cared about nothing.

But I dunno...we went into some party shop thing...and like...everything changed...I don't really know what happened. I split away from my ma and grandma, because they were looking for party stuff. But I walked down the asles and just stared at stuff, and they brought back memories...just old stuff. Like the vibrating megaphone thing? I used to love that when I thought I could sing. I saw slinkies, and I got one too...all that stuff brought back an easier time. A time where nobody cared about reps, clothing trends, or who was dating who. Just the old days.

The days were children were young and innocent. I miss those days. I even look at little kids or even high school students, (Cuz they are THAT oblivious) and miss the innocence. As I walked up the rows, all I saw was stuff from my childhood...it was really weird feeling. It cleared some negative thoughts, but not many. I guess you really can't go back. Now I'm at chris's, typing at 1:10 in the morning...just like at home. I also think I annoyed raych...whoops. Bah, I'm not myself...I need to fix this depression stuff, or nobodys gonna wanna be near me. Normal people would go to bed, but not me. I'm staying up, to talk to andy. WHEE!
Whats also gonna blow is jacki lost the computer and phone for a week. That sucks.
Um...what else can I randomly change the subject to...easter is tomorrow. So I'll go blow a day with my grandparents and so forth. Wheee. Well, I'd better get going. ILYTL

P.S. Still slightly depressed and lonely.

P.S.S. I really could use some candy right about now

P.S.S.S. Man, I really gotta stop doing this.

none
Do you know what it feels like bein alone?

Pfft, like I care
Pfft, like I care...I mean, hi. That concert made me do some deep thinking.

Well, I've decided tonight that I am alone and always will be...nothing can change it. I'm always the guy in the back, the third string, waiting in the wings, hanging back, in the dug out. All that stuff. I'm not good enough to be anything else, nor do I match the potential of being anything better.

I'm basically the one people look upon and go, "oh look, theres addison..." and then don't do anything. Or, "Hi addison...well, I gotta go"

I'm so lonely right now...I owe it pretty much to that Trifecta from hell. Ha, yeah that was awesome...nothing like that to make me feel even worse.

I coulda hung out with moe tonight...these thoughts wouldn't have occured for more time, but FUCK NO, I had to do track, so that invitational screwed me over. I hate that damn sport so much...I swear, if not for nate, chris, and jacki, I wouldn't do it. Not for the life of me. My parents could do whatever the hell they wanted. I don't care.

Yeah, and so now my mom wanted to know why I've been depressed tonight after getting home early...its a waste of time. I don't know why I tell her...its pointless. I even told her its pointless...I'd need to talk to someone else about this stuff before her. I even told her that.

But me being lonely stays. I don't know why, I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. I don't have anyone to fall back on, I don't have anyone I can talk to...I don't have anyone I could try this really cool sex manuever on. It involves me twisting around and...yeah. I'm not really in a mood to kid either.

That concert made me realize a lot about myself. A lot of stuff...mainly that I was alone. In a big way. So...yeah.

Wish me luck in that shitty invitational tomorrow. I'm gonna need it. I'm also to lazy to ILYTL, because I know there are no ladies willing to except that. Theres chris, but lets face it, he doesn't really count.

Today
School was ok...there was a bitch in 1st hour, but it wasn't completely my problem.
I'm sick of band. Santana sucks. Trombone king sucks...Into the storm is ok, I guess.
3rd hour is going to kill me...I can't stand that mocking bird book...aye.
4th hour is still fun. I enjoy the people there and such.
5th hour is still insanely boring for no friends + weird relationship with people near me + boring teacher and subject = bad class.
6th hour is ALWAYS fun. I wish I could take the class next year...or at least have Neier again. I wish he'd teach Algebra ll or something.

Track sucked...Meyers thought it cool to mock me today...Shucker. Hope he burns in dell along with Fournier. I swear man, if Nate, chris, and jacki weren't doing track, theres no way in hell I would.

Took a nice nap when I got home...it felt really weird...like I was asleep and also I wasn't at the same time. freaky.

Soccer started tonight too. Not too bad for right now. Man, I seriously suck though, considering I haven't touched a soccer ball since...I don't know, fall? I did suck, but I got to slide tackle...combined with the wind, I glided in the air...it felt really awesome.

Yup, just updating...really fun. I got a meet tomorrow, and I need to do better than usual...so, wish me luck.

Better
Today was ok, up until the end of school, where that bitch brandy cooper pissed me off. WTF is her problem? Is she pissed because I'm the only guy she hasn't had sex with, and she wants my body? I somehow doubt thats it, but it basically is she's a bitch and won't leave me alone. I never have done a damn thing to her, yet she bugs the hell out of me. Always with her bitch friends too. jeez...I hope she gets a STD from the next person she has sex with.

Anyway, the meet went ok. I did so so for the relay, with a 2:36, but webber dropped the baton...bastard. Oh well, doesn't affect MY time! Ha Ha Ha! I sprinted to make up for his loss as much as possible. The 800 I got 2:28, so, suck on that. Afterwards, me and chris had fun, along with jacki...and I'd love to know...whats with you and boobs? I mean, I know they are awesome, but still...are you a lesbian? lol.

Wight wight...I got my jersey for SOCCER today...2nd choice...and whaddya know...chris managed to pick the jersey I wanted...grrr...oh well, fifteen will work.
We talked some more about...*ahem* stuff. Stuff I amazingly didn't know about the other night...chris and his big words got me confused, and she wouldn't tell me. Ah well. I know more, and thats better then knowing nothing...I think? Or is it another thing I can let eat my mind alive? Ha, whatever...I'm sick of bitching about my mental problems, and I'm sure your sick of hearing them. So, I'll try to stop. TRY is the key word. I gotta go though, so ILYTL.

Do you know what it feels like bein alone?

today
Wow...first day back was worse then I expected. I was hoping things would go better...no. I realized today how much of a loser I am, and always will be...heh, yeah, I still haven't really shaken that funk yet, as you can tell. The upside today was...um...damn, not one good thing happened today. OOO, not true. I got my cd from katie! Thank you! But, that truly was the only good thing today. This day made me miss spring break...only 39 days remain. Grrrr...that sucks. Oh man, I almost forgot about my job-shadowing...that blows. My options are:
1)Go to my Uncle Brook whos a teacher and a really cool guy
2)Go to school and do the bullshit 'virtual job shadow' experience
3)Skip that day with a friend of mine

You know, I might consider that first one, cuz my uncle is pretty awesome, and he has a career I like, which is a P.E. teacher. I have always thought that would be a fun career. Maybe do some coaching on the side. Only problem is, I have to fill a packet out?! Whats that shit? I'm only interested if I could go and just do stuff and not have anything to worry about. But god knows the school can't let me enjoy myself completely. Thanks Cedar, for getting the last laugh like usual. I'm thinking I'll go but not do the paperwork. Its just stupid.

I thought something was funny at track today, now that I think about it. Apparently, Dan Laatz and Nate Johnson did some alcohol type of thing over spring break. Kids'll be kids right? I hate how Myers made them get up there, and speak about it. My only issue is they claimed they were the role models for sophomores. Thats bullshit. Those two aren't my role models and not anyone elses. So who are my role models? Simple. Nobody. I have no 'mentor', I have no role model...the person I look up to?
Ha, as typical as it may sound, my father. I love my dad, for all he's done and for all his efforts. We may not have the best relationship sometimes, but I understand what he's going through and that he's trying to give me a good life, and give me a hand, doing what he can, especially considering what he had to deal with as a kid. Always looking out for his son...I appreciate that. Few dads do that nowadays, and I realize how lucky I am. Yup, some people (who actually read my journal) are probably wigged out that I'm complamenting someone in glowing terms, and especially a parent. Whatever...I'm getting all freaky feeling...talking about someone like that...whoa...too much for me. So, I'll see ya'll later. ILYTL.

Confidence
Bah, my self-confidence has hit an all time low...I don't even know why. Everyones been talking about how they have a skill or something...I don't have anything I excel at...nothing. I can't say, um, I'm great at soccer, cuz I'm not. I can't say I'm awesome at track, cuz I'm not. I can't say I'm smart, cuz I'm not. All of those things, I'm just there, not hindering anyone nor helping. What can I do though? Nothing. I'm not excelled anywhere...even if I am, its probably in something COMPLETLY useless.

Today was good...I was alone with my thoughts again, and thats where all that stuff came from...and theres more, of course...I gotta degrade myself, or the day just doesn't feel complete.

I made serveral positive notions today. You know those sam adams commericals? The one where a guy does something, and it shows the mascot for the beer, and he's like, "Nice move" and gives him an accepting nod...I want a dude that does that for me. When you make a good comeback, nothing says ouch like an old dude dressed from the 1700's. I kinda want clinton there though...I always thought he was cool. C'mon, he slept with Monica, and basically got a slap on the wrist, how cool is that? THEN gets accepted into some black hall of fame? He'd be cool. Give a little thumbs up or whatever after I do something cool. We'd have endless fun with lame puns about the 'oral' office...and making fun of bush. He'd make up words, we could invite dole in...have some fun with that. Make em argue over stupid stuff, like whos better, ACDC or Guns and Roses.

Ah...I need to meet clinton. I think its sad he got so much attention for all of it, but he's still a cool guy.

Oh well...I need to go do some more 'atman bashing' Oh, and if you feel like trying to make me feel better, go for it. You probably will fail, but it will at least let me know people care. ILYTL

current mood
I am
Little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
a handful of complaints
But I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars
I am
What I want you to want
What I want you to feel
But its like
no matter what I do
I can't convince you
To just believe its real
So I let go
Watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
but I'll be here
Cause your all I got

I can't feel
the way I did before
don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
time won't heal
this damage anymore
don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I am a little bit insecure
a little bit unconfident
cause you don't understand
I do what I can
but sometimes I don't make sense
I am
what you never want to say
but I've never had a doubt
Its like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
for once just to hear me out
so I let go
watching you
turn your back like you always do
face away and pretend I'm not
but I'll be here
cause you're all I got

I can't feel
the way I did before
don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
time won't heal
this damage anymore
don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

No
hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
like it or not
right now

Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
like it or not
Right now

I can't feel
the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I can't feel
the way I did before
don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
time won't heal
this damage anymore
don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

love ya
I love jacki SOOO much...

Her and her sexy legs, they are just TOO much.

I wish I could make out with her everyday, and maybe even more.

Yuppers...sex sex...thats all I think about....shes dreamy and stuff...

I'm swoony...but I don't know what that means...

YUP! BUT I LOVE HER!


P.S. This is really addison

Today
Today was another awesome day...ah.

So, I woke up at about one today, went outside and shot hoops again. Then, came in and talked online for awhile, then went back outside, then came in and played a game, then talked, then showered, then talked, then left to go to justins.

Ok, so, I was gonna hang out with raych today, so, I had to go to his house. She said it was yellow and near a stop sign. This was what I was planning on using to find the house. Well, guess what...

There are a lot of yellow houses on seventh street...near stop signs. I knew the address, and this one house had 308 and I remember something 08, so I stopped there and knocked on the door. An old man answered...this is the conversation that followed...

At:Oh, I'm sorry...I must have the wrong house.
Old:Um...yes, yes you ddddo...
At:could you tell me where the beviers live?
Old:Um...I...I....I...don't know any beviers.
At:Really?
Old:Nnn...none...I don't know any...
At:Oh...well...sorry to bother you...
Old:(Panicking for some reason) I...I...know of a kid down the road...
At:...k?
Old:Does that friend of yours own a dodge pickup truck?
At:...no, I don't think so...
Old:Oh...I'm really ssss...sorry then.
At:No big deal...hey, I gotta jet, sorry to bug you...
Old:Yes...go...

So, I drove around and FINALLY found it...and the movie started at about 550 at northstar, and it was about 5:47 then...
So, of course we were late...

I think I was a gentleman...I don't know...we saw bringing down the house, and I liked the ending...theres nothing funnier then an old woman STONED. he he...

So, afterwards, she didn't want to do anything...and I had no ideas, so we aimlessly drove around, talking about random things. Great fun...got a frozen drink, and went home...heres the part I dread...coming home to my parents...a game of 500 questions...

Mom:was it a real date?
Dad:Did she kiss you?
Mom:Does she have a boyfriend?
Dad:Did you get any action?
Me:Dad, only mom can ask questions...

So, now I'm currently online, thinking about stuff again...I got time to think, I'm off tomorrow to go up north with a friend of mine...where there is NO computer...dear god, whatever will I do?

Probably my homework and stuff...I'm thinking I'll be back Saturday, maybe?

Who knows...anyway, try not to dream about me too much...I know it gets messy...heh heh...yeah, ILYTL...

Current Events
Ah...today was the most refreshing day I've had so far...got to sleep til about 12, eat 'breakfast' and go outside and shoot hoops til about...6? My back hurts like a bitch though...ow...I should see one of those contracter people, heard they can do wonders.

Let's see...the bean thing got cancelled, whatever was supposed to happen, so I just talked to jacki for awhile. No biggie.

Um...now I'm on chat. Not much happening, just letting the fans know whats happening, so, ILYTL.