PRIDE, PROCRASTINATION, AND PAINTING WITH WORDS.
more and more i find myself eager to just paint with the words god has given me- it's such a passion in me, my passion for jesus christ and my passion for words just melting together. and now i look at words and long to paint with them. and i know it sounds mushy and cheesy but it's one of those days where i can write all flowery and not care how i sound because words are so beautiful and so precious.

who would honestly think- i mean it's weird to think about- that a combination of letters can create a myriad of colors? it's so odd. you can put words together and make art with them. it's CRAZY.

and it leads me to more of just smiling when i think of jesus, just wanting to cry only because i am joyful- joyful that god makes and has made all things, simple and complex. joyful that i am free, just joyful.

some people say they can feel they are in god's presence when this happens or that happens, when they feel this or that, when they see this or that, and so on so forth. some people may just know and not feel a lot- but just know that he is there. i realized that, ever since i've been madly in love with god, i've always felt burdened to cry at seemingly unemotional points. like if i just think of something, something really simple and relate it to god. and it's not like i'm a wuss either! and a lot of the time i don't know why i feel like crying, i just don't. maybe it's because i'm overwhelmed, maybe it's because i'm feeling godly sorrow, maybe it's because i'm in a crappy situation, maybe it's because i've been ignorant, maybe all of the above. and i don't know why i'm saying this because it's completely IRRELEVANT.

and crappo the journal just erased my thing again. so i'll go straight to the important stuff.

i'm sorry to anyone who has seen my ungodliness lately- i haven't represented christ very well at all, haven't been good and haven't been bad. and god hates it when anyone is lukewarm (so i guess that leaves you with just good and no bad, eh?). and look where i'm at now! so i'm going to look back at some recent entries and see if i can erase some ungodliness. because i've been dirty and unpure and unclean, and i'm just sick of it, and god's just sick of it. and i don't want people to follow a nonexistent jesus if they're following my ways and assuming that i'm "godly." because i surely haven't been lately.

pray for me, guys. what's killing me right now:
1. pride
2. procrastination

love in our humble lord,
autumn

sang with danny at church last week. i knew tim was gonna call me sometime because some stranger who remains anonymous put me on "The List." i was nervous about it- i mean, singing in front of like two hundred people. but i knew that i wouldn't be nervous if i just sang to god and for god. if you sing for people you'll be performing- but if you're singing for god then all nervousness is gone. why? because he could care LESS if you hit the notes right! he just cares that you're singing to him, and a beautiful melody will just flow in his ears and he will smile because the melody is so much different when it's being sung to him. but it was so much fun- i mean i was a little nervous about the people, but man god made me a lover of music and song. i don't think i fully worshipped him though- i mean i know i didn't. i didn't think of all the words- i thought of some of them but not all of them. but hey, i know what to do next time, i know where my full focus should be. it's just that it's easy to focus on the words- especially when you're me and you don't know all the words, so it feels like you're focusing on mastering the words. but ANYWAY...

went to the all night thing at union. it was really fun, i'm just worried about the church i guess. there's so much i want to say to them, about what i've learned about god at gateway! part of the time, i was thinking, "a lot of you just don't GET IT! do you understand god's love? do you understand that it's not just a sunday thing? do you understand that he wants to be your friend? do you know what believing is????" there's just something different about gateway. something different about the obedience there that gives the entire church an atmosphere of peace. i think for union that they know what fun is. i mean, don't get me wrong, i know some of the people that understand what's wrong about the church, that understand who god is- but a lot of the people there just don't know what they're doing. is their church a family under christ or is it the fun church? some of the people do know that.

so tyler, elena, and i were the "gateway clan." we hung out pretty much the whole time together with amanda c. she's a cool one, i'm glad we're friends again- she's one of the people that knows there's something up with the youth- she told us about how their youth lady never hangs out with them. she didn't even stay for like an hour at the all night thing. and amanda said that in sunday school they just go to the cemetery and look at graves. so elena invited her to our church on sunday, if she can go.

i just want to make it clear that i'm not trying to judge. i've been to this church before and i've felt the mentality of it. i mean don't get me wrong, anywhere you go there are cliques. but i just feel like this church is missing out on what god is talking about. i feel like a lot of the people aren't listening, and if they are, they forget it all. and i just want to say, "COME TO GATEWAY!" because we have these leaders who are absolutely on fire for jesus. they know him as a friend, father... and you can see it. it sounds mushy but you can see it in their eyes. you can see how genuine they are when they talk and how they talk, just by the tones in their voices. and if you ask for their help they don't say, "okay i'll fix it for you" but rather "hey let's pray about it." and when they sing they don't say words, they mean them. they think about them. and you can tell because they aren't giggling during worship, they are thinking.

i just feel like a lot of people are missing out. i wonder if they know what worship is, what even LOVE is. and i've been brought into this family where everyone just wants to know me, wants to help me out on my walk with christ. they long so much to be obedient that they feel so drowned in sadness when they disobey christ. that's big. that's a big thing. and why do they understand it? because people are led to be obedient. they LISTEN TO GOD. they get his word and they are just illuminating, they are so ready to speak about it because it excites them.

at XA ashley, our group's college leader, was sharing her testimony. she was talking about how she was friends with mrs. mcneal's daughter jessica and jessica just helped lead her to church. but mrs. mcneal interrupted because she had to tell us something- she said, "ashley, when we were first building the youth center, greg brought us into it. it was just completely dark and there was just concrete ground, and we were given markers. we had to write down the name of someone on the concrete that we were praying about, a person we knew god wanted to know, and jessica wrote your name down." that blows me away. that's when all my doubts about jesus and god are gone- because love, because jesus' blood, just washes it away. it's when god tells me how ridiculous my doubts are, how i just need to look at the simple things right in front of my eyes. what a love that is, that people are praying so much for their friend to know christ- not for their sake, but for his. but look at ashley- she is so in love, and i mean in love, with god. she just bubbles when she talks about him, and cries when she talks about those who don't know him. that is love. and because people are obedient... things happen. god says, "because you trust me, because you listen to me, because you love me, because you have tried so hard and helped lead this girl to my holy place, i'm going to do it. you brought her here because i told you to, and now she's in this place where people listen to me. and because of those people she's going to get who i am." whoa.

and now i'm just praying that there's something i can do to get people to see what i'm seeing, this beautiful picture of a family that a bunch of people i know are missing out on. i just want to paint it so much, it's just incredible. it's a picture of a huge group of people- they're doing a lot of things. some are raising their hands to jesus, heads up in the air, eyes closed. others are on their knees, face-down on the ground. three people are just holding eachother and praying. some people are just sitting down, talking to god in peace. some are crying. and others are pondering what it all means, not yet understanding it, not yet feeling it, not yet knowing it. but it's highly likely that they will because there are people praying for them at that moment, writing their names down on the concrete, i guess you could say- writing their names down on the foundation of the church, because that is what the church is founded for. for the people who don't get it and the people who do. he wants them to learn about him and know his great love, and live because of it.

pray for me, that i will listen to god, that he will be manifested in my mind, words, and actions, because lately i've just ignored him. there are so many people he's placed in front of me so i can speak his word, but i don't because i'm afraid, or because i feel like the time "isn't right." and it's stupid! their eternities aren't worth it. i mean if i don't share his word, then WHAT AM I HERE FOR?! certainly not to sit here and be comfortable. if i'm doing that, then i'm surely working on satan's side.

in christ,
autumn

MAN. GOD... WOW.
the days go by, and as i find myself misrepresenting christ and being faithless to him, i manage to become more in awe of him. i'm building up, i know it - becoming more aware of christ when i am being unchristlike, just thinking of him. and that's good, because it feels so much like i have to have JESUS written all over my arms to remind me of him and when i'm hurting him - to remind me of what i'm supposed to do for him.

but man, i am so in love. but i'm just not always in it, not always doing what god wants me to, not always representing him. i mean it's not like at school i bash the bible - i just don't speak up or say things when i should, or just... certain little things, you know? but every little things hurt. even a little tap-tap on the nail in jesus' hand. i mean, it still HURTS.

but i don't know how i would live without wednesday church - i just simply wouldn't. i just thrive on praising god. and i've found that i need to stand in the back of the room more - because sometimes it feels like i have an audience behind me when i'm in the front. i just feel so much more open with god when i am in the back, away from everyone's eyes - because it only matters if i'm in sight of GOD. i'm just trying to make it completely all for him - and i know that's impossible because human motive's can't be 100% pure. but sometimes i think, "well, i know you can't worship endlessly, being completely pure. but sometimes, at some moments when i am completely unaware of anything else - is it possible that that is pure?" i'm not sure. i mean i'm not saying that you can't worship god with everything in the entire world - that means a LOT of things. but... anyway. getting all deep and stuff.

for the creative essay god wrote for my english class - i'm happy my teacher was very receptive. she's not an atheist - i mean she "believes" in god's existence but i don't know if she really... believes. 'cause man, there's a difference.

and i think i attempted to tell the whole moses/snake/believe story regarding john 3:14. i'm getting the feeling i did a BAD job, so i'll type up the chapter in jeremy's book about it later (and i mean... LATER... because you know how i am. old and forgetful, yes.). because jeremy DEFINITELY knows more about it than i do! and about a lot of other things too! i don't know where you can find his book, if it's available anywhere in different places - i'll check that out too. (... another LATER...).

god is just awesome, though. i mean sometimes i think, well, here's why he's awesome... but sometimes i don't even want to think about the reasons. sometimes i'm just so content that i KNOW he's awesome that it takes over... and i'm filled with his love. and that's why wednesday worship grips my soul, my heart. there's something about the atmosphere - jesus being IN there. and i just feel god when i lift my hands to him. i just embrace him, and it feels incredible because i know he is embracing me back - despite all my flaws, despite the fact that EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE (that's almost 365 x 16 days) i hurt him. every day!!!! imagine that. billions of people EVERY day. can you imagine that pain? but i mean, it's one thing to hurt him and be a nonbeliever - but to be a believer and be aware.

but man, i love him. i'm just so content thinking of him. i can't see why people can't love him back. maybe it's because of the "implications," aka the fact that you have to give up worldy stuff.

but i'm off to do the little homework i have (that's a first!) and get some work done on tyler's and amanda's birthday presents. blessings from jesus christ...

love,
autumn

"you are a fire
that lights the night
you are forgiveness
that heals hearts, even mine

only in you are we free
only in you can we see
only in you do we find life

i have always loved you
i have always loved you

you bring salvation
to a people broken inside
you are redemption
for those who seek second life

-addison road
(http://www.addisonroad.com)
there's a player at the bottom so you can play the music easily.

<< REWIND...
alex faile, my largeness of font is dedicated you, as well as a lot of this entry...

okay, let me backtrack, alex. i don't think you get how important you have been in my life, and i'm SERIOUS!

when you said you were inspired by me, man, if it weren't for you and god i probably wouldn't be here (unless he found another way to get to me, which i don't have doubt on), in this place, in love with god.

alex faile, DO YOU REALIZE that you and aly were the first who invited to me to gateway? britney told me about big frog and that helped a lot too. but ALEX FAILE, god saved me at that first year at big frog! and if he hadn't led me to gateway, i don't know where i would be. i might be leading my own life, but who cares anyway - because i'm NOT, and that's what matters. but alex, you were different and still are different - you weren't all "bad" like the other kids. it didn't mean you were a quiet person or anything - and that's how it was easy to draw close to you. you talked about anything and you just found friends easily. but you have been monumental in my walk with christ. i mean, if it wasn't for big frog, if it wasn't for god, then honestly... who knows. but i am so blessed that i have you guys. i have said this over and over again, and i'll say it again - i have the best friends in the world. man, god has blessed me and i don't deserve it at all. you guys just love me like no other friend of mine has before, and all of us watch out for eachother even if we have to be "mothers" to eachother. even if it means being brutally honest. we've been through a lot.

i am so blessed to have you guys, and i can't get over it! i have all these people holding my hand as i walk down a path that gets narrower and narrower. but even though the path gets smaller, we get closer because we have to scrunch together to fit in the path. do you know what i'm saying? i'm saying that as my walk with christ gets narrower and i'm learning more, i get closer to you guys too because you're right there, walking with me. and it's COOL.

and you know what adds to the awesomeness of it all? few people can say that. few people can say, "my friends don't tempt me into being in the in crowd, my friends care about me and will be brutally honest with me if i'm screwing up, my friends love me because they know christ and true love comes ONLY from him." that's a lot, alex faile. that's a WHOLE lot to have. i've had the friends who were great friends... but there's something different with your brothers and sisters in christ. there's something different in their hugs and their words, their smiles, their laughs, their facial expressions, their voices... their EVERYTHING. it's just genuine, and something to hold onto forever. god gives us friends for that reason - so we can go to them and say, "man, i'm messing up. i'm losing sight of god, please help me out." and i know i can talk to you guys about everything. and i mean EVERYTHING - stuff i don't even talk to my parents about. and it all manages to go back to god. and it's cool because what better friends are there than the ones who give you GOD'S word and not their own?

you guys are awesome. i will never forget you, ever! and we will grow old together and have pregnancies at the same time and our children will be best friends and their children's children... okay maybe i'm getting a little carried away, but i'm just trying to expand on the fact that i LOVE you guys. i really do, and it's not a petty love. it's a complete, true love, because i know i can trust you and i know you love me back.

if anyone reading this is a sister in christ i don't know, PLEASE email me!

i LOVE you, man. and it's a god love.

true love in our savior,
autumn

LUKEWARM.
it's one of those days where a lot of things are going through your mind and you're feeling a big conglomeration of emotions. like right now, for instance - things pulling me down: a paper i worked really hard on that was overlooked, family problems, school; good things: bible class, wednesday church, bible study.

i have these horrible moods where i don't want to be near anyone genetically related to me, besides jeffrey. i was grateful to god that tim talked about family relationships last sunday - and he confirmed my thoughts. my family is so out of sorts because my parents aren't trusting in god, they aren't handing things over to him. of course they might say differently.

i don't want to be all, "my family stinks" and find everything wrong with them. i'm just so frustrated - i mean, these are the people i have lived with. and it's hard to spend my life in their house and testify to all the crap that's been going on. i just feel stuck in this cheap little world of hypocrisy and facades. i love my family but i'm just having trouble right now.

on a VERY GOOD note, we might be getting a bible history class at school! i am OVERJOYED. this is MONUMENTAL, to both god and me and all the other christians and nonchristians out there (that's basically everyone, isn't it?). we have danny, in large part, to thank for that.

which brings me back. i remember last year when we were practicing for the model UN thing and we had to make up any resolution to a problem. mine was that there was nothing to do with christianity in school. danny used the same one, blah blah blah... but man i realized how FOOLISH i am. i did this resolution but what did i ever do to put it in effect? the thought didn't even CROSS MY MIND. but danny was smart. danny trusted in god, listened to god, and god said, "danny, i want you to try to get this class into school - you know that everyone needs it." and maybe it started as a whisper. but danny listened, and i am so proud to say that he is my brother in christ because of that. man, i've been so stupid far too many times.

well i'm off to eat and then finish homework early so i can hang out with jesus.

in christ,
autumn

WHEN GOD'S LOVE BECOMES TANGIBLE
saw the passion for the first time yesterday (a little late, i know, but i i saw it nonetheless). i am still blown away. and it sounds weird because, i mean, i love god, and shouldn't the images of jesus' last hours be burned in my head?

well, they should, and they are. but when those images become a concrete picture in front of your face, everything is completely different. everything. i guess jesus' crucifixion became completely tangible and concrete to me, and it was just overwhelming. the love of jesus' mother portrayed in the movie, jesus' love portrayed in the movie, the sickening hatred portrayed in the movie... everything. but man when they were whipping him, i just saw myself with the whip, because i do that everyday. i hurt jesus everyday, and why? i mean, i love him with all my heart. but sometimes i wonder if i am loving him with all my heart, because i still find it in myself to hurt him. it doesn't make sense. i just don't want to hurt him - he's my best friend, he's given me way too much.

and it made me think too, why it had to be jesus and why it had to be that kind of death. of course it hurts to know all the things jesus endured in those last hours, but for some reason it is all utterly glorious. i don't mean it in a "jesus' death rocks!" kinda way... but, just seeing jesus carry that cross without such as a "it hurts" under his breath, and him saying "it is finished"... that's a lot. that's a lot on one man's shoulders. and i give thanks to god that satan was wrong about that, when he said, "everyone's sins are too much a burden on one man's shoulders." well satan, you're a dummy, doubting god's power and incredible love like that. and yet i say this but i doubt the power and love myself. i guess that makes me a dummy too.

but about jesus' death... i won't ever understand it, why exactly crucifixion and why exactly those words and all the other intricate details woven together in that one event. but i think, if jesus hadn't died on the cross, now it would be, who cares about that jesus guy? the thing is, he died unlike any one else on the planet, EVER. man, he took the world on his shoulders, like that statue you see in the bank or whatever of the guy holding the world on his shoulders. that's a heavy load - everyone's sins? who could ever do that? who would WANT to do that? but i think that it took that much, it took a gruesome death to help people understand god's love for us. i mean, we are so worthless but god still sacrificed his only son, his perfect son, his loving son, for us. we are little flecks of dirt compared to this big man called jesus. it's just so amazing that my head almost swells to think about it! i mean, who loves you THAT much, honestly? not the sun-god, the rain-god, the blah blah blah. they don't love - they only give if they get what they want. not any of these gods... but man, there is one God. one. and he is the god of EVERYTHING. he's not just your mister farm-god. he's everything. and that is awesome. but not only does he control everything, he loves everyone. even me, worthless, sinning, backstabbing autumn. and yet god still takes me back everytime. it's just too much to understand, because that love is impossible to find on earth - no human can possess it. to possess it would mean perfection, and that title is left for jesus christ.

if you haven't seen it, see it. and when you're done watching it, go in a quiet place and just talk to god or think about it. i definitely made the mistake of NOT doing that, and because of that the meaning and feeling of the movie was kind of left neglected.

but man, that movie was awesome. i'd like to tell mel gibson, "hey, mr. gibson, you did an awesome job putting together a film produced and written by god." but man, god's love was so tangible, and i'm still filled up with that right now.

on another note, i'm starting to tell jeff about jesus. i don't know if he understands anything, and i wish i could get into his head, but i can't. all i can do is ask god wat to do and just pray that i'm saying the right things. but bit by bit, i'm praying it'll come into place. maybe it will click for him, maybe it will never seem realistic. i just want him to see jesus' love, you know? and i just wish i could've started earlier. but of course, wishing is nonsense. but man... i just hope he will understand the least bit.

well, i'm off to some room work. we should be painting sometime hopefully within the week. please pray for me.

true love,
au†umn

p.s. on the link above, there's a website that has some stuff that god's put into my head - poetry, songs, whatever. if you need something to read, just peek over there. and if you need prayer, please contact me. it's important to communicate with your brothers and sisters.

p.p.s. god has given me the best friends in the world!!!!

W.O.W.
last night was the best bible study we've ever had - when the crowd dwindled down and people started to go home, neil, amy, sara, amanda, and i just talked. just talked about our faith, all the questions people are afraid to ask. and after a while it got really fired up - we were just saying what was on our mind and what was on our hearts. i just can't tell you how... INCREDIBLE it was. i felt faith in such a tremendous way, wasn't afraid what i was saying. it was all about god - why do we obey him? why do we want to love him? of course, those were answered.

i don't know, i can't describe it. everyone spoke with such passion - we were talking about god's existence. neil said, "you know, i don't know if there's a god, i don't know if what i'm doing is right - but i hope. i hope that there's a god that loves me, and if there's something to always hold on to, it's hope." he said much more than that, but that's all i can write down because i can't remember every word.

wow. that's all i can say, and it's frustrating because i can't write down exactly how i feel. if i could describe it in words, i'd say that last night was one of the most brutally honest and genuine nights of my life where everyone had something to say - and everyone LISTENED because everyone was throbbing with it, it was pumping in their blood - this god, this god that changes our lives so drastically, but how and why is unexplained. i just can't find myself talking about anything else but last night, because my mind is so glued to everything that was said, and exactly how it was said. that's all i've been thinking about since last night - when people are talking to me about something else, i can't help but not listen 100%. i just can't keep my mind off it.

i will never forget last night.

love,
autumn

MAN.
well, god does his revealing, sure enough. and it hurts sometimes. it hurts him, and it hurts me because it hurts him... or maybe it just hurts me. because i'm utterly selfish.

god has just really shown me how selfish i am and how easily jealous i get. and when i get jealous, i get worldly. and when i get worldly, i stray from my purpose - representing god. sharing his love.

so much i just want to share his love. i'm bursting at the seams, i'm about to explode because i want to talk so badly about jesus. i don't know if i'm just waiting for the perfect time or if i'm just scared. either way, both are bad excuses.

i guess my main problem is easing into conversation. god definitely cares how i communicate about him with others - i just have to be myself and let him speak through me. just a minute ago, literally, i wondered if god cared how i spoke about him with other people. OF COURSE HE CARES. you can talk about him but make your faith sound religion; you can talk about him as if he is a genie; you can talk about your faith as if it is perfect; you can talk about your faith and act like you, yourself, are perfect. all of the above are something worth caring about. why? because god's worth it. god's worth me surrendering to him every morning so that i won't be worldly. god's worth me surrendering to him every morning so that i will be a vessel for him.

lord, i just want to shout your love, praise you, tell everyone about you... but i'm having trouble. i'm such a coward, and i don't know exactly what it is that makes me keep it all inside. whatever it is, just help me to overcome it, lord, for you, and purely for your will. i'm so selfish and i always want it my way. i hate that - satan always telling me that i'm worth having what i want, that i don't have to say anything because a "better time" will come. lord, rid me of satan. get him out of my head, out of my heart - only you can invade those places. those places are your property.

i just want to shout god's love. i want everyone to know the god i know - it doesn't matter who you are. drug dealer, teenage mother, murderer... god doesn't say, "well, he's a murderer. no use changing him - too hard. sorry." come on, god is SO much bigger than that. god has changed those with every single problem imaginable. i know someone who had a problem with lust, but now he's one of the strongest people i know. i know people who drank and cursed and smoked, but now they have something else to live for - not parties. i know people who have given some "pearls" to past boyfriends. and then i know me. and i've lusted, i've cursed, i've disobeyed my parents and teachers, i've stolen, i've cheated on tests, i've listened to rotten music, i've idolized after celebrities, i've been selfish, i've been prideful... when people try to prove me wrong, i get defensive. guys, the list goes on. and i know yours does to.

and guess what? it's not just us "normal" people. paul had his list - he hated christians. despised them, physically hurt them. but guess what? when paul started to love christ and live for him, that list evaporated. god said, "see ya, sin. paul's mine now."

and that is so cool. but it's just so hard... it's unfathomable how someone's pride or coolness can just shut them completely away from god. that's why it's hard to get to the kids at school - because school is the popularity haven. it's all for popularity and popularity for... few.

well i'm off to finish homework, then go to bed. if you like acoustic music, check out bethany dillon - she's just 16 but who cares. god doesn't care about numbers - you can see it, because he's blessed bethany with such a great gift. and that's poetry and music. and it's way cool how she puts them together. PLEASE check her out, her songs are just made for god.

love in christ,
au†umn

GOD'S AMAZED.
yeah. but it's not a good thing.

man, i can't believe myself. i guess last night and today i realized the true extent of my selfishness. i am so prideful. i make myself out as wiser than i truly am. i'm only "wise" to an extent. i make it seem like i know everything. i don't know everything. but yet, for the sake of my own pride, i look at the faults in others to put myself on the pedestal of "the better christian." when somebody gives me advice, i take it as condescendence, making it seem that the advice-giver, who in reality cares for me and loves me, is somehow patronizing me.







okay i'm upset now... i just typed up a big thing and it didn't update... man.

JESUS, JESUS, JESUS...
greg came for a visit yesterday. it was so great to see him - i got to church early and was just chatting with harvin, then looked over, and what do you know? greg, standing there, talking to jared's mom. it definitely took me by surprise - i hadn't heard at all that he was in town.

aw, connor's gotten so big. still has those same chubby cheeks, though, and that head of curly blond hair. he kept saying "hey gateway" and "i love you gateway" into the microphone. when we were praying, all of a sudden you hear, "heyyy gateway." cute, cute, yes it was.

greg's working in a supermarket, and he and jolie have an apartment. it's so cool - greg said he's working at the supermarket because it's where the people, who don't really care much for god, work.

greg is so brave and obedient. he might say otherwise, the utterly humble and modest person he is. he left us, our church family, the family he loved so dearly, to follow god. and now he's in a supermarket, away from the life of youth that he became so close to here.

as we were praying i just thanked god for their love for eachother, jolie and greg's love for god which only made their own love stronger. they really do love eachother. as we prayed, greg just held jolie as she cried on his shoulder. they are two very amazing people, and their family will only go stronger in christ - what with all the things they have been through together.

summer reading ... i'm chugging along. i will finish the history book today, and will start the english book today - hopefully finishing it tomorrow or the day after, if i can read that quickly. but we'll be driving to clemson to help andrew move in tomorrow, so the ride will give me some time. next year i'm going to start reading early so i can get it done sooner - i have missed so many days of bible reading because i have said, hey god, i'll read after i'm done with summer reading. but what do you know. it's only my fault - not the district people that assign the reading. i'm a born procrastinator. but, as a good friend told me, "keep the kingdom of god first." i'm glad he reminded me of that.

the other day i was trying to explain something to jeffrey as he sat in my lap. at first he just kept talking, not really paying attention to what i was saying, just saying "oh" as i talked to him - in his other world. but then for a split second he listened to what i was saying, and i saw this look of genuine confusion in his face, a look i had never seen in him before. but then that second was gone, and he was back in his world again.

i'm still wondering, but haven't yet looked in god's word for the answer - but, since god makes everyone, and god makes the disabled, god makes my little jeffrey with his down syndrome - how can they understand or believe in god when their minds aren't quite fit to? but the understanding part is much harder than the believing part. but yet, they would have to somehow understand a little bit to believe.

i want jeffrey to know jesus, and i know jesus wants to know jeffrey. but if i tell jeffrey about jesus, i don't want jeffrey to see jesus as a storybook character, another arthur in his collection of books. how can he understand that jesus is real, that somebody he can't see loves him? somebody that isn't an imaginary friend?

if anyone can find scripture on that, i would greatly appreciate it - meanwhile i will tackle part of the search myself, along with a lot of prayer.

in christ,
au†umn



"as we come today we remind ourselves
of what we do
that these songs are not just songs
but signs of love for you.
this is a holy moment now,
something of heaven touches earth
voices of angels all resound,
we join their song...

come, come, come
let us worship god
with our hands held high
and our hearts bowed down
we will run, run, run
through your gates, o god
with a shout of love,
with a shout of love...

lord with confidence,
we come before your throne of grace
not that we deserve to come,
but you have paid the way.

you are the holy king of all,
heaven and earth are in your hands
all of the angels sing your song -
we join them now...

let this be a holy moment now,
let this be a holy moment now."

ONE WORD. APOLOGY.
why apology?

because everyone's twisted views of their entryway to heaven are really starting to get to me. everyone thinks that, if they believe god exists, they go to heaven. that upsets me.

i'm not going to shower opinion all over this entry. let me state it clearly: YOU HAVE TO HAVE GODLY SORROW. yeah, 2 corinthians 7:10. jesus even explains what john 3:16 means - what belief is, in john 3:14. he gives you a good reference to moses and the snake. but i think i already told about this story in a past entry.

it's such crap. you ask somebody if they believe in god, and they answer "yes", not knowing what you even asked. next time you should go back and say, "no, i didn't ask if you if you believed god existed."

it's not about god's existence. SATAN knows god exists. DEMONS have worshipped god! are you going to let demons know your god more than you do?

mark 5. jesus is on a boat and crosses a lake to reach gerasenes, and there is a madman living there. now, this guy's creepy - he screams and yells all night, cuts himself with stones. so it's definitely obvious that he's feared by the people living in the area. this madman is like the incredible hulk - people can't even bind him with chains, because he can break them. he could crush a dude into fifty billion pieces, and he is referred to as "legion" because there are so many demons in him.

a legion is a LOT.

he's demon-possessed. DEMON-POSSESSED! but as jesus reaches the shore, the madman comes to the shore and falls to his knees at jesus' feet and WORSHIPS him.

COME ON! and the people today who claim they "believe in god" can't even worship god like the demons do!

are you going to let that fact pass?

and on that story, please don't spiritualize it. i probably would have, had jeremy not talked about spiritualizing - putting some spiritual meaning in a story where it's not intended to be. for example, after reading this story, don't say, "well, this story is trying to tell me that god can handle the demons in my life." well, DUH, he can, but that's not what the story is about. the story's about these demons in this madman, bowing before god! it's about demons knowing god when they see him, recognizing him, and worshipping him.

there was another story jeremy talked to us about.

matthew 8:23-27. another story that you can seriously mess up with spiritualizing. this is the one where the jesus and the disciples are on the water in a boat when a storm hits, a MONSTER one, like hurricane hugo. but as this huge storm is brewing, jesus is sleeping. yeah, sleeping. the disciples wake him up and they're like, "jesus, there's this huge storm, we're gonna die, wake up, save us!" and jesus is like, "are you kidding me? why are you so scared? have faith." and then jesus gets up, "rebukes the wind and the waves, and it is completely calm."

wow, huh.

yes, jesus calms the storms in your life. but NO, THIS IS NOT WHAT THIS STORY IS ABOUT! it's about jesus, yet again, proving that he is god.

wow, sorry for preaching. i just felt that i had to put that in here - it was one of jeremy's lessons, and a very important one. the moral of the day? stop putting spiritual meaning where it doesn't belong.

off to read once again...

in christ,
au†umn



"what can i do with my obsession?
with the things i cannot see?
is there madness in my being?
is it the wind that moves the trees?"

(( cAN i gET a AMEN ??

I REMEMBERED IT!
i didn't think i would remember it, but i did.

i mentioned that i was going to say something jeremy said but forgot about it. but i remembered it last night.

okay, jeremy was talking about jesus and when he went back to his homeland, and the people that knew him were like, "you don't know what you're talking about, you're not GOD, we KNOW you!" which led to witnessing. let's get to the point. the reason it's hard to witness to your friends and your family is because they know your CRAP.

for so long i wondered why it was so difficult! but when jeremy said it, it was so unimaginably CLEAR! one of those slap-your-own-face moments.

it's because they know your crap, your mistakes, your screw-ups, that they say, "no, no, you aren't a christian - i remember that time when you did this! i remember when you did that! i remember when you cursed and disrespected your parents and lied and stole something! no, no, you can't tell me what i'm doing is wrong when you've done it yourself."

also, another thing jeremy highlighted on one night - dating. oh yes, a touchy topic.

jeremy was saying how dating shouldn't be taken so lightly - he related it to a pearl necklace. okay, so you have your necklace with like, a BUNCH of pearls strung on it, and a big diamond in the middle. each pearl symbolizes something you share with that person - one pearl for a kiss, one for a hug, one for holding hands, etc. etc., and the big diamond for your virginity.

okay, so you're a dater, and let's say you've dated a lot of people. now, with each thing you do, you give the pearl to the first person you do it with. aka, if i kiss johnny, i give him my kiss pearl, if i hug aaron, i give him my hug pearl.

and here comes the question where everybody is silent: when you get married, what's your necklace going to look like? a flimsy string? or a big pearl necklace?

that's why you have to watch what you're doing. most of the time, you date someone only for the physical aspects - you can be friends with someone and still be JUST AS CLOSE, learn just as much about god.

so that's my side on dating. dating at our age is most commonly just for the physical aspect - holding hands. you can be just as close to them without holding that hand. so just question yourself - am i going to marry this person? or am i just date-surfing, giving a little piece of my heart to every guy i date?

as a girl at my church put in her profile, "if i give a little piece of my heart to every boyfriend i have, what will i have left for my husband?"

don't lie to yourself!



i'm off to read, much love, god-given love.

au†umn



"oh god
i will abandon myself as i worship
you upon the throne
i'll be
a living sacrifice ..."

I WANT TO GO HOME.
the first time i've used that phrase in the context of heaven.

gosh. i'm so frustrated, upset. i feel worthless and powerless, all because of this family. funny, huh? at one stance i feel like i'm the only one with my feet on the ground, the only one who cares, not thinking of myself all the time. at another point i feel like that's utterly selfish. but then on the third point i feel like it's the truth - because i'm the only one in my family who has christ, i'm the only one who knows any real truth.

i love my family, yes. but i just feel so alone in it. i feel like nobody will ever understand how to live for god, because for their entire lives they've been living for themselves, or for the pleasure of others.

it's hard to tear down a wall that's stood firmly since it was first built. much like it is hard to tear down the ways of life of a person who has lived them for 19 or 48 years. but i know it is possible. DUH, that's clearly stated in luke 1:37 - "for with god, nothing is impossible." but they didn't say it would be easy. of course it's not easy.

i have these days of hope and these days of frustration. the days of hope, of course, are when i am with my family in christ. the other days are at this worldly home, when i find out a new thing that a family member has done wrong or when i hear a curse word uttered from someone's lips or when new drama has sprouted.

i'm just so moody. not because of female things but because of ... i don't exactly know. maybe it's because of the drastic difference between my two families - i spend a week in this godly life with christ and his children, focusing completely on him with others who are radically in love with him ... and then i go home to a secular family.

truth, of course, is a blessing. but it brings bitter enlightening. as i have delved deeper into my faith, as god has brought me to the deeper depths of his truth, my eyes have been taped open. things are so much more apparent, clear, and magnified. glitches in the seemingly harmless things people say are becoming neon signs. in my head, i'm starting to think, "these people don't know what the heck they're doing."

but if that's what it takes to have truth, so be it. of course the positive outweighs the negative.

on another note, school is starting soon, the 12th to be exact. this year will be better, spiritually, of course. so much in me wants to burst out and explode with god's love, like a confetti-filled balloon popping. i know i've said this before, but i'm not going to be so lenient, neither will i be obedient to the world - but i won't be some witch out to get everyone because they make mistakes. i know i will be tempted, i may even fall a couple times, but i know this year will be better. i got caught up a lot last year, and didn't prepare myself enough for the year. but this year god got a head start at the preparation. i just want so much to be fruitful, because i just want to please god. i can't even begin to say how much he has done for me - it's INCREDIBLE. god and his love are different kinds of phenomenon. nothing in this world could ever change my life around, nothing in this world could ever satisfy, nothing in this world could ever love more. no religion could ever change me. but my god sure did, and my god is no religion - he is a father, a savior ... and i would be SO dead, so entirely, completely, totally, eternally dead, if it weren't for him. god gives me life ... and he deserves everything in return for that, for his love. when you have god, you don't feel obligated to do things. you just do them, out of love. jesus said, "if you love me, obey me."

lord, i love you ... i will obey you! not because of rules, not because of what other people think - i just love you! lord, nothing can get in the way of that! i will be disobedient at times, that is a given - but that's imperfection. i will never be like you, but i know you're getting me there.

loving in return is no obligation.



well i'm off to read. once again, i'm terribly behind. i was going to mention something jeremy said, but i forgot it. poo =\ man, that's gonna bother me all day...

love in christ,
au†umn

"There was a time not long ago when I was too weak to move on
A broken heart my hope was gone
Then I looked up into Your eyes I was overwhelmed with love
You took me up into Your arms
And now I see Your wonder

You give me life and now I give it back to You
With everything You’ve done for me
It is the least that I can do

Since that day You took my hand in Yours and we danced the night away
I know I’ll never be the same
And what You’ve done inside of me
I want everyone to see
That You are now my everything

You give me life and now I give it back to You
With everything You’ve done for me
It is the least that I can do
You fill my heart with a love I’ll show the world
With everything You’ve given me
I could never give enough"



amen to that...