BACK HOME ...
wow - i just got back from a two-week long trip, and i'm just ... wooped, i guess. my parents were starting to go crazy by the end of the trip, and everything was so tense. we all just blew up the last night, went completely haywire ... won't say details on that, everybody said sorry and i hope we're all on good terms.

god showed me so much - there was so much of him in his creations, his beauty and love. i wrote down a lot of things that reminded me of him, and i'll type the few that i remember.

we stopped by the side of the road in yellowstone to see a bunch of antelope having a little meal on the grass across the road. i stepped out of the car as my dad videotaped and i was lured by this beautiful, simple little creek that flowed so smoothly that it reminded me of god's people: i'd seen the roaring rapids, the rushing waters, and then the streaming ones. i asked god, where are they going? what are they in such a hurry for? those rapids are the rushy people, all religion and no god. they pass life by without stopping to listen to what god has to say - they follow the crowd and keep going just as fast despite all the rocks in the way. they stumble over their problems and try to get through them rather than see what god is trying to say through their messes. the quick streams are the medium ones - the half-and-half. they go just fast enough to get half of god and half of what they want. a win-win situation, right? nope, sorry. but then there are the steady waters, the ones that take their time. god likes those ones. those steady ones devour every single one of god's lessons - so much that they might dry up. and to the world, or in this case, the tourists and passersby, it's all just an ugly line in the crusty dirt, where water used to be, while those rapids are gorgeous. (keep in mind that this is symbolic - i'm not trying to say that waterfalls are ugly and self-centered) it's always the worldly people that are the cool ones, right? they're the ones too fast and too cool for god, while those little streams are itching to dry up - to devour god's word, truth, and love.

but i realized the whole stream analogy wasn't 100% right. you know how all those rapids and streams all lead to the ocean? all people lead to god in the end - it all boils down to him when life is over. but rapids and streams go to the ocean and stay there.

not all people stay with god.

so sorry, mr. good person. sorry, mr. deeds-without-faith. sorry, mr. too-fast, too-cool. you thought you were good without the bible, god's holy word; you thought if you kept quiet, you'd be good. better yet, you thought god would be nice and soft and quiet about it. i'm dearly sorry - what pleases your comfort is not what pleases god's will.



love in christ,
au†umn

MUSIC, NO WORDS ...
well that's a twist from the ordinary! i usually have the poetry to a song all ready, but never the music. well now i have the tabs for a song, but not all the lyrics. i have like, one line of words, lol. if you play guitar, here are the tabs (i'm not a chord junkie) to it (i can't give strumming patterns ... because i don't know how, lol, so just stiff it and play with your own style). i will break it down a bit so it's not one excruciatingly long thing:

030030
030033
030030
030033
022033
320033
022033
320033
000233
022033

002100
022100
202100
022100

022100
202100
xx0220
xx2200
004400
002200
004400/006600 (slide)
006600/002200 (slide)

0-11-x-13-00
0-12-x-14-00
09x-11-00
006600
002200
002102
002104
002100
202200
024440
244300

x46600
x24400
002200
x46600
x24400
002100



this song is called "oasis," and i have some lyrics, but not enough to post. i'll update later when i have more.

on another note ... yay! bible study tonight! i haven't been in forever, and i really miss it ... the truth, and the people. it'll be wonderful seeing everybody again. but before then, i'll have to run around like crazy, packing my stuff for tomorrow. whoa. another two weeks away ... i'll live - at least i'll get to see god's natural wonders.

love,
au†umn

WHOA.
don't you love it when god smacks you in the face? the only good slap in the face is definitely god's slap in the face.

i was looking at past entries and how things have changed (in a good way, praise the father ...) ... wow. thank you jesus.

but i also looked at a couple lines in one entry and felt so selfish, because i am so selfish.

i was talking about how nothing has ever made me feel so good but god - nothing has ever loved me and been so awesome. while that's insanely, 100% true, i realized how much i've talked about how god makes ME feel, how great i feel because of him. and then god did the slapping. god made me think: "made me feel good? what about the part where my living for god is supposed to make him feel good?" and now i'm remembering when tim talked about worship.

about a week ago i decided that sometime in the not-too-distant future, i would lead bible study (i just haven't felt ready to speak god's word yet - i don't think has necessarily felt 100% ready for me too, either, because i'm still learning a lot of things). i decided (and hopefully it was god's decision too) that i would talk about worship (or he would talk through me, rather), building some off of what tim said.

i was reading through a bunch of books and the bible about it, and was just learning a bunch of stuff ... and again, now i realize that all this, all this is for god - all my typing this, all this satisfaction i feel should be satisfaction that i'm pleasing god. instead of, "god makes me feel so great, wonderful, awesome ..." it should be a little bit more of, "i want GOD to feel great, wonderful, awesome ..." and i really do. i really, really do. not because i feel like i "owe him so much," but more because i just love him, and he deserves it because he is the king of all. i mean, god does not want me to serve him out of guilt - he wants me to be free when i serve him. and i will go free because he wants me too, not because i want to feel this, or i want to feel that.

whoa.

it's not about me.

it's about god.



and knowing that ... makes god happy.

love,
au†umn

LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN
okay i'm going to try to remember what i wrote before my computer had a meltdown, lol.

so much for a that "tomorrow's entry," eh?

there's a lot i haven't mentioned! i went on vacation with my buddy laura to va beach and washington for about 10 days.

first we went to va beach, which was just awesome. we actually surfed - not gracefully, but we surfed nonetheless. this one guy was nice enough to talk to me and give me mini-lessons - mostly tips, like how to sit on the board without falling - which i did approximately eight times. yep, you can imagine the chuckles from the pros as you hear the sound effects some little 15-year-old first-timer being flushed into the ocean. it was humbling - at least i was able to smile when i got back out of the water. i decided that surfing is something i want to pursue later on - not like i want to be some pro surfer chick when i "grow up" - it's just something i want to do again later and get better at, because it's a lot of fun. i also realized how awesome a witnessing opportunity it is; all the people are sitting on their boards, kinda close together, and they feel quite free and open to talk to each other.

va beach is like the beaches you see on tv - there's the pier with the mini-fair close to it, all the runners and bikers down the small streets that go right past the open beach, and long shores filled with handfuls of surfers bunched together. it was COLD, too. i realized the three reasons why surfers wear wetsuits - to keep warm; to not get rashes (i got really ouchy ones on my thighs bc of the transition from sitting to on the belly); to not get sunburn (i'm STILL peeling, two weeks later, lol).

we stayed in laura's family's camper, which wasn't rugged at all (i'm not the most rugged person you'll meet - so it was good for me). we played lots of guitar at the va beach campsite, which was awesome because we got to praise god together and even do some of our own stuff.

i did get a little homesick though, for my family and for my girls. and i realized that, when i stay to far away, i come home to bad news. one piece i will not share for the privacy of the feelings of someone, but another piece i will share.

my mom told me on the way to my brother's baseball game that this kid from my school, ravi patel, drowned in a rip tide when he was swimming with his friends (3 days after his graduation). i was just shocked when i heard about it, but tried not to get tied up in emotions. the first thing i pondered was his faith - he was such a nice and true guy, but jessie told me he was hindu. jessie's brother, jordan, was in the same band as ravi, and i had always assumed that the band was christian, because of some of the things they sang about. but i was never sure. so jessie told me he was hindu, but for some reason i thought he was christian. this it the first time i've ever really pondered where someone went after their death - someone i knew. i'm still kinda wondering about it - but it doesn't much matter, because everything's done. god has already judged ravi, and right now ravi is wherever he's supposed to be. i guess that takes care of the worries.

and i guess it makes me angry ... not where ravi went, but how people get angry at the mention of people going to hell. i mean, it's true - if ravi didn't know jesus, that's where he went. i can't tell you how much it hurts to say that, because i can't imagine the hurt in hell. it makes me sad because i hate seeing anyone go there; i hate thinking of anyone going there. but what makes me angry is the whole "belief" system. "belief" is just another one of those words that i'm just not very fond of - i think our version of john 3:16 should have one word altered: "for god so loved the world that he gave his only son, so that everyone who ____ in him shall not perish but live eternal life." our definition of believe is so morphed - it goes back to the "i believe in hitler but i'm not a nazi" analogy. but i guess any word inserted into that blank space would have been morphed in some way, shape, or form, where it would please the worldly human.

but do you notice that, if someone's trying to convince you of something, if they say the word "believe," that's when you stop paying attention? when people start saying that they "believe" this or they "believe" that, all they're talking about is theology and philosophy - not god's truth, god's fact. all they are talking about is theory. it's not god's word anymore. it's personal opinion. so many christians do that - i do that. i start talking about what i think - not what GOD says. i guess that's the fine line between the truth with the word and the truth without the word - the fine line between our thoughts and god's thoughts. that's why it's so important to talk about scripture - so what you're saying isn't mushy religion, but god's utmost truth and word. it's the difference between the "i'm a christian but i curse and drink and kill people" and the "i love jesus and i'm living my life for him - i'm walking and speaking his truth."

with that said, i'd like to apologize for ever saying the word "believe" excessively. when ever i said it, i meant belief not in the way of "well i think this is right," but in the way of "i know this is right because all of what god is showing me and what god did is telling me this." remember that whenever i say the word "believe" again.

okay, to a random thought: do you notice that, in almost all eulogies at funerals, the speaker always throws in that the newly deceased person is "looking down on us"? here's where society's little heaven comes in - where any person goes to heaven, christian or non-christian, lover of christ or simple atheist. i get so confused with the atheist's or church-only "christian's" view of heaven. to them, heaven is the place where everyone goes when they die. i wonder how that morphed definition came to be. i have an idea why but it's too complicated to explain, i guess.

on to the next topic.



so you met alex, my awesome brother in christ. isn't he great? there's just something different about your real brothers and sisters ... something that maims science and dna, because love is so incredibly more powerful than blood. i love alex, i really do - and i can say that so freely without feeling the cute little girl tingles in me. instead, i feel this great, true love because alex is someone who knows what i know and feels what i feel. he knows what REAL love is, like i do, and he feels it as well. just like the verse, "one who does not know god does not know love, because god is love" and vice versa. all the other normal "friends" i have ... i feel different around them, not as comfortable. i guess it's because, knowing that they don't have christ, i know that they don't know and feel true love. they can't love me like a sister because they don't know love, PERIOD.

god has just enlightened me majorly, with the new people he has joined me with through him - like alex, jenny ... everyone. i remember how excited i was when i realized that alex was a christian, though it wasn't entirely unclear to me. and all my girls, my "octuplets" or however many of us there are. they love me, and i love them. really. truly. no lies, dawg. for me, a true friend is one you can pray with. that has repeatedly proved itself to me over the past year. a true friend is also one you can talk to about god like he is a loving father - because he is.

i guess it goes back to the whole apostles deal - about how you should only be friends with other ambassadors of god. not only because you can change (in a not good way) if you are continually under the influence of those not following god, but also because it is what jesus did - and jesus has more reasons than that. i'm not saying STAY AWAY FROM THEM! ATHEISM IS A PLAGUING EPIDEMIC AND YOU WILL DIE IF YOU GO NEAR! because, by all means, go near them! talk with them about god! spread the god's truth and word! but if you notice how jesus was, he wasn't best friends with the sinners - the prostitutes, criminals. he hung out with them, he talked with them about the love and mercy of god, but if you think about it, you'll see that god's closest friends were the 12 apostles - not those sinners. i mean, he loved the sinners equally, but the 12 apostles were his closest buds. i guess that's how it is with me, the bible study kids, my girls, and the other friends of mine who love god. if you're hanging out with sally, who doesn't know jesus, who's going to help you in your walk with god?

and by the way, there's this daily bible reading schedule i'm following that is structured to let you complete the entire bible in a year. i'm not doing it just so i can say "ooooh i finished the entire bible!" it's really helpful in my walk with god - his whole truth is in that book, and you will also never know when you will be in major need of his word (whether you're in trouble or if you're trying to witness). what better way to truth too, eh? it helps so much when you're reading scripture EVERY day, too. i suggest it. if you're reading and you want it, email me at pinkx0range@aol.com or IM me at vintagepinkx0oo.

well, i'm going to go pack for the trip out west and finish cleaning my room (yes, after almost a year, it's almost clean!). i won't be writing in this for two weeks after saturday, but i'll be keeping my own journal anyway. my prayers to all of you - including all of those in need, and all of those going on missions trips this summer.

love in the only savior,
au†umn



"what if the family turned to jesus,
stopped asking oprah what to do?"
^ this quote from casting crowns' song is eerily similar to my current state. i'll explain later.

WOOPS ... SORRY
i've just had it with this computer. it erased an important entry i just typed up ... i'm just not going to even say anything, i'm so frustrated. deep spirtual breath is what i need.

INTRO TO TOMORROW'S ENTRY
ALEX: you really mean a lot to me and you've helped me in my walk with god
ALEX: seriously
ALEX: i love my christian brothers and sisters
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: wow ... that means a lot
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: me too, i'm always so in awe of them
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i guess with me you can tell who
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: *who's my brother and sister and who's just a friend
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i just feel like i can't trust anyone else more to help me out and love me, you know?
ALEX: i know what you mean
ALEX: christians got it hard
ALEX: and sometimes it's hard to be bold
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it IS
ALEX: but we gotta stick it out
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it's so awesome how you can just feel so at home with your brothers and sisters ... you don't have to feel nervous to talk to them or worry about what they think about you
ALEX: yeah
ALEX: and you can tell sometimes before even talking to somebody
ALEX: that they are your brother or sister
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah!!
ALEX: it feels so great knowing that if i died right now i'd be in god's arms
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i know, it gives me little tingles
ALEX: every time i praise or worship i get tingles through my whole body
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it's way cool, because here on earth you just long for touch and all this stuff ... but in my mind, when i see me hugging jesus and jesus embracing me, that right there is enough
ALEX: yeah
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah, every time i worship i feel like crying and i don't know why
ALEX: i know what you mean
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i guess because his beauty is so overwhelming
ALEX: definately
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: and just knowing where i would be if he hadnt picked me up
ALEX: word!
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: =DDDDD
ALEX: i got the awesomest hat the other day
ALEX: it has a pic of jesus on the front
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: you know what's so cool? knowing i can hug one of my brothers and sisters and say "i love you" as many times as i want, and they won't think " ... ew ..." or "she has a crush on me"
ALEX: and it says, "jesus is my homeboy"
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: ahhh!!! i've seen the shirts
ALEX: yeah i know what you mean
ALEX: i say i love you to everybody
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: me too!
ALEX: i don't care if they think i have a crush on them or anything
ALEX: cuz i know jesus loves everybody
ALEX: and i strive to be like him
viNtagePiNk x0Oo:
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: yeah, with my sisters - i'm so weird - i always give them kisses and hugs like i'm their mom or something
ALEX: lol yeah
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lol
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: it's just SO AWESOME to know that you can so easily show god's love, and feel it all within you and just want to give your friend a big smooch or hug and say I LOVE YOU, because jesus would be googly over his kids too
ALEX: yeah
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: well, i'm off to bed for real
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lol
ALEX: lol ok
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i love you very much! thank you for being there to talk to me
ALEX: do YOU need me to pray for anything
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lol
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: um let
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: *let's see
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: i guess mainly guidance and truth
ALEX: ok
ALEX: will do
ALEX: goodnight
ALEX: i love you
ALEX: lol
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: lol
viNtagePiNk x0Oo: sleep tight my dear



meet my brother in christ, alex.

... and right when you thought a real friend was one you could curse with and crack dirty jokes with.

WOW ...
whoa. god is so ridiculously, incredibly, majestically, unfathomably amazing.

yesterday, wednesday, i fasted for the day, and it ended in a success (with the exception of subliminally eating two spearmint skittles). not only that, but ... whoa. words just can't describe how my day was.

i'm so unimaginably thankful to god for what he gave me yesterday, and what he continues to give me, to which i normally return with nothing but a shrug of the shoulders. yesterday i realized how much god gives me - my church, my brothers and sisters in christ, my homelife, my freedoms, my decisions - and i give him nothing. i had really been in the spiritual pits, and decided that i would give fasting another try.

god just completely opened my eyes. i'm still utterly amazed - i went to wednesday church, which is basically 100% meditation, prayer, and worship, and i guess i (with god's mighty help) realized how much it hurts god - i mean everything i do that cries disobedience and misrepresentation of the truth, the word, the life ... it just hit me like a ton of bricks. imagine your best friend stabbing you in the back over and over again. that's what it feels like to jesus everytime you and i say something the least bit offensive, because he knows that everybody else knows that we are christians, and every bad thing that comes from our mouths or body language or whatever is completely devoid of him. it's the old us, speaking again. the part of us that wants to come back, the part that was dead before salvation, the part that greedily satisfies us.

things just came one after the other - last night, tim came up and started to talk about real worship, saying he wasn't sure that all of us understood what it was, that it's completely for god and not ourselves; we were created to worship and love him in EVERYTHING we do, 24/7, for lifetime - and worship isn't always physically singing and bowing down. it's dying to self and walking like jesus once did - following his ways to please him, because he loves us and ... you guys, he loves us.

i was afraid that i would be caught in the moment, because emotions do that far too often. but that night i realized and felt fully the truth and the meaning of worship, and it felt so great - i knew worship was not to please me, but it did anyway because i was pleasing god. and pleasing god on any day of the week pleases me as well. =D i just felt so free to worship, to let go for god, because he was leading me to this amazing truth that just ... changed me. i hit myself for ever thinking about giving up the fast - i mean, come on: a day of discovering god's truth and being pure, or ... food?? i mean, let's be rational ...

also, before church, i decided to sit with danny, anthony, and chris at lunch. that's always refreshing - in a funny, tranquil kinda way, lol. they are wonderful brothers, they are. i feel like i can chill with a bunch of guys and not have to feel uncomfortable because i know they are all my family.

but after that awesome church service, i went home, should've read the bible more, but didn't, then went to bed later. of course, i couldn't get to sleep - don't know why, but it's been like that lately - and then another thing came crashing down on me, something so completely amazing that i just had to totally lose it. but before i tell you about that, i have to give you the poem i wrote for a poetry portfolio for lit class (that will soon be song-ified):

"My Child"
And I remember
Hot summer days
And cool nights
Down cities with street lights,
Ever-illuminating
A lost, lost sky.

And that lost sky,
That oblivion you once told me of,
warned me of -
that oblivion I once lived -
was gone, gone gone ...
When I found you.

But who said this life was easy?
I’m brand new, a baby.
It would be nice if things were perfect,
But then where would faith be?

So, honestly -
Truthfully -
I stumble,
I get weak,
with no person to comfort me
but You.
And why do I even start,
why do I even talk,
when I know You know everything?

There are times
when the world gets the best of me,
and I find myself human again.
I guess I’ll just have to learn to trust You,
because I know my eternity is more
important than this.

Sometimes I need some healing -
And I let those tears loose,
Let 'em fall, let 'em fall,
and I don't even have
to wait for that sweet embrace
because it's been waiting for me.

And You answer -
with that soft voice that echoes,
vibrates in my heart
and courses through my veins -
“My child,
my child -
tomorrow will be better.”

And You kick the sandals
off Your feet
and You begin
to run to me
before I even turn around.

And I run to you, shouting -
Father, Abba, Father -


today is better.


and that's the complete version.

well anyway, continuing on, that poem just smacked me square in the face and i started to cry ... for in that moment, i realized that i had lived that moment. i had turned away from god, been in the spiritual pits and had definitely felt it, and then when i decided to turn around ... god was standing right there. i was already in his arms. i realized that all his promises, he fulfills. he told me that tomorrow would be better, and it was. that tomorrow was better. that today is better. i just cried in complete awe and happiness, thanking god, holding my hands up in the air, all the while lying in my bed, in the dark. and i said, thank you, thank you lord ... i love you, so much - and i'm so sorry that i hurt you, lord, so sorry ...

at that moment, i started a brand and fresh new day, 12 o'clock at night.

and at that moment - before that moment, even - i was forgiven. i was rescued.





so much love in the loving father,
au†umn

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARA!
happy birthday sara, i LOVE you!

went to have a mini surprise party for sara, very last minute, but so incredibly fun to have a clean, good, loving, non-dramatic time with sara and elizabeth (changing names for certain reasons). lynn couldn't come until later because she was babysitting (but her mom ended up getting sick, so she couldn't come til morning). so sara, elizabeth and i talked and caught up ... especially talking about how some of our girls are falling apart.

they just don't understand, and it's killing me! with frustration, mostly, because they are so smart, yet they don't understand why what they're doing is so wrong. they live completely different lives with different people, and kept it secret, even lied to our faces about it. sara told them that they're becoming the same as the other girls at school.

it's just frustrating - i have sat through church and camp with these girls, absorbed all those words from leaders about god, how we should be, what god wants us to do, why conforming is wrong, all this stuff, and then they deliberately say, "oh, but being cool is okay."

uhhhh .... no.

more on that issue later.

i love my girls.

love,
au†umn

p.s. sorry for my lack of description, explanation, nice words, and alltogether flow of this entry ... i'm tired, lol. talked online with sara last night until like 2 ... trying to resolve issues. trying very hard. because we love our girls. and they're morally and spiritually confused.

WOW. CRAZINESS.
wow ...

there's two of my friends ... i'm worried about.

i don't know where to start. let's see. i don't know ... sometimes they just aren't themselves. they're absorbed in high school's coolness and high school's cool people, and they're not acting as of-christ as they used to. they talk about inappropriate things, make fun of people, and they've been doing ... wrong things. i'm just worried.

okay. nice sigh. just talked to my friend (she shall be called BLANK, since these things are now anonymous - rest of the names in this entry will be anon.), and i guess we'll be talking to rachel and lena sometime. but i just don't want to shove it in their faces - we all make mistakes, and i'm not trying to put theirs on a pedestal. i just love them, very much, and if i didn't, i would let things go. i would let things go and say, "hey, they don't need me. i couldn't possibly help. i'm just a friend on the sidelines." just to let you guys know, friendship is not a spectator sport. you can't just watch people struggle and do nothing, you know? i think they'll be fine. hopefully. if we put god in this, we'll be fine. i know they have so much christ in them, even when they're at their weakest. i've seen it. they've felt it. they know it.

talked to mom on the way to church. she suddenly said, "i feel bad that i don't go to church with you." i was just quiet, knowing i would probably feel that emotional burden i usually feel when subjects like that come up. she said she just didn't agree with everything my church "believes in." she thinks all we can do as christians is be good people. well then, if that's true, what's the difference between regular good people and christian good people? exactly! she said some other stuff ... i don't know. the whole SOLID definition of christian is being like christ. christian, base word C-H-R-I-S-T. and she didn't believe that we should think that our beliefs are the only real ones, that other religions are false. i later thought, well if my "religion" is wrong, isn't that going against the whole "don't believe that other religions are false" deal? i don't know. i'm just all over the place. i just want her to have a relationship with jesus! but obviously, being a good person is enough. i'm just so bewildered because i don't see where she got any of this. we should be like christ. christ wasn't just some good person. he glorified god in everything he did - he wasn't just nice. where does nice get you? being a nice person isn't equal to being a radical like jesus was. being nice is being quiet because you don't want people to feel uncomfortable, being quiet because you don't want people to know the truth. it seems like i'm going a bit overboard here, but this is what i know. jesus didn't do miracles and suffer torture to a painful death so we could be good people. he did that so we would be forgiven, so we would tell people about him so they would love him and then rise to live with him. if i could make one point clear, i would say that being a good person is just being a good person; being a good person doesn't get to closer to god unless you love him and you want him.

please, god. just let her love you and know you, that you are the only god. there is no other but you. i don't know what to do, because i can't control her or shove theology in her face. i can't make her love you. so just you do it, and use me in whatever way. i'm trying.

love,
au†umn

BLAH-DEE-BLAH
i know i shouldn't be looking at what i'm doing next year/over the summer. now i feel guilty! because i know i'm not promised tomorrow. but anyway. i'll say my classes anyway.

CHAMBER CHOIR
AP WORLD HISTORY
AP/HONORS ENGLISH CLASS
AP STAT
BIOLOGY I HONORS
SPANISH II
DESIGN
PHOTO 1
PSYCHOLOGY
3D DESIGN

[note: psychology and 3D design subject to change]

yeah. i think i know what god wants me to do but i'm confused and possibly selfish so i'm not sure about those classes.

anyway ... got back from garagefest a couple hours ago. it was awesome - everything was so cheap, which is great because it was like anyone could come in and get what they wanted/needed without having to empty their wallets. then we went for free clothes in the end, and we're going to "model" them tomorrow during church.

so anyway. andrew comes home today. cool stuff.

wow this has got to be the most boring entry i've ever typed!

possibly going to italy this summer. a little iffy about it because it'll be one heckofa long trip, and i really want to spend time with jessie before she leaves. and june 17 to july 4 is just LONG anyway!

so that's my current state. ok i'm done. lol. *ahem* i mean, ha ha ha.

love,
au†umn

HOMESICK
remembering something made me want to write about it.

kelley (my "sister") and her little girl mia, almost two, visited several weeks ago. kelley is just amazing - i can talk to her about anything, from girl stuff to god stuff. she was driving me to church before leaving to go back home and we were talking about god and stuff, and she was talking about moving. she said that they were probably going to end up moving sometime because joel's job is just a starter, and she said if she could move anywhere, she would move back here again. she said she was kind of homesick - all her friends live here and she grew up here. but then she was like, "you know, i want to come back here because i love it so much, but i know i'm supposed to be homesick for heaven." that just brought me back to peace with god, and i thought about how true it was; we're not supposed to love this place we're living in as much as we're supposed to love our eternal home. that's just so true, and it's why we need to let go of the things we have on earth, in this world.

i just want to see jesus. when i see him, i want to run right into his arms and hug him forever, and i want to praise him and talk to him and hug him some more and tell him how much i love him and tell him he's always been my soulmate, that i was destined to see him and love him. i can't wait until i can go to another world devoid of problems and hatred and all the uneasiness we tend to feel in this world. heaven will not be bmw's and money and mall-of-americas and cakes and candy and mansions and physical beauty. it will be complete fulfillment and satisfaction that, yes, this is the land of god! we are here together, praising him and living in his almighty presence! forever!

eternity is something i just can't fathom. i've tried to imagine it, but i can't. i can't imagine going somewhere forever - i mean, we're all so used to the process of life, of growth and then becoming senile and just going away, being buried in the ground. i sit here in my nice little computer chair and i can't imagine living forever. i mean, think about it - it's just so unreal, that concept. and furthermore, imagine the concept of living forever in a perfect place with the person you love the most, the person you have tried so hard to live for. that says whoa to me.

wow - a lot of things on my mind right now! can't wait until celebration sunday, yeah man!

well i'm off and preparing for a busy week - chorus rehearsal monday and tuesday, heart's desire or a banquet on wednesday, chorus concert (which will be off the hook) on thursday, and bible study or banquet on friday. and any of those days are possible work days. deep breath!

much love,
au†umn

"when we sing
hear our songs
to you;
when we dance
feel us move
to you;
when we laugh
fill our smiles
with you.
when we lift our voices
louder still,
can you hear us,
can you feel?

WE LOVE YOU LORD
WE LOVE YOU
WE LOVE YOU!"

FORGOT TO TELL ABOUT SOMETHING ...
i forgot to mention something when i was typing an entry last night...

this past week has been insane - first week back from spring break, adjusting.

tuesday i was about to go get money for a donation for the march of dimes for beta club. went into my purse, found that my wallet was completely emptied, except for my gift cards. i was really upset - first, because there was a lot of money in there. i later realized that wasn't the entire reason. it was the thought that somebody had gone through my stuff. i freaked out at first, threw a brief tantrum, then cooled down. i wasn't really mad at the person, i guess ... just confused as to why someone would steal something.

so i just had to let god pull me through it, and i just forgave the person. amazing - i would've never done that back in those christless days. i put a note in my wallet that basically said (reader's digest version), "hey, i'm forgiving you because god forgave me. but you might not be lucky if you get caught stealing the money of someone who doesn't have love for christ - that person might not forgive you." ironically, i hope they go into my purse again!

i don't know why it was ... i just felt so much like god was telling me to forgive the person. i'm starting to realize the equality of all sin. lying equals cheating equals murder - they're all sin. and i'm starting to wonder why i ever thought death row and abortion were ever right. abortion is murder, and so is the chair or death by injection. and god always forgives. but humans don't, and that's why all this stuff is accepted now - "oh, it's okay to put someone to death! it's merely justice!" no. eternity is justice. not prison.

on friday, i had second block study hall because sophomores were taking the hsap and my 3A teacher was testing. mrs. warren, the beta club lady, was monitoring us, so i asked her something about our beta club thing. i said, "mrs. warren, i didn't go to walk america yesterday, but i still donated. will that still count as club points?" she said yes, and then looked at my ID. "oh, i need to talk to you - we looked in your walk america envelope and nothing was in there."

i had donated 20 dollars cash, and my mom had donated 50 in check. but mrs. warren said all of it was gone. i'm not sure if it is or not bc i shoved the money way down in the envelope, but the basic fact is, my money was taken twice in a week. but somehow ... that part doesn't bother me. i don't know why. i guess i was just down because i had been jipped twice in a week.

i just want to make the point that it doesn't bother me like it would have a year or so ago, which is great. sorry for my lack of energy - i'm pooped, and i don't know why! i think it's because i worked about 3 hours at an elementary school fun fair, which was, by the way, pretty fun.

but anyway ... onto my day. god give me the strength to contain myself today, for reasons i won't disclose. i just get agitated by people like everybody else does, and i'll leave it at that. i'm great though - no big thing.

well i'm off now, blessings to all.

oh yeah:




ANDY, PLEASE POST IF YOU GOT MY MONEY!!

love,
au†umn

"who am i to embrace you?
to learn anything
at all?
about why you were
and why you are
and why i ask,
who might understand?

and through you
there is intimacy -
captivating like a kiss.
so i lay myself as a sacrifice because
words are not enough.

and i am speechless.
and i am speechless.
and i am speechless

in you.

who am i to accept you
to take a gift for no return.
you do nothing more
and nothing less
and nothing else.
who might love?

and your love is a mystery
so i'll try the best i can.
and fall down,
dow-own,
and wash your feet because
words are not enough.

and i am speechless.
and i am speechless.
and i am speechless,
and i am speechless

in you."
-doc sommers band
check that one out, it's such a beautiful song ... (p.s., i found out that mack brock went to my elementary school)

here are "excerpts" from a couple new things i'm writing:

currently titled "my child":
honestly -
truthfully -
i stumble,
i get weak,
with no person to comfort me
but you.
and why do i even start,
why do i even talk,
when i know you know everything?

and i let those tears loose,
let 'em fall, let 'em fall,
and i don't even have
to wait for that sweet embrace
because it's been waiting for me.

and you say,
my child,
my child -
tomorrow will be better.

and you kick the sandals
off your feet
and you begin
to run to me
before i even turn around.

and i run to you, shouting,
father, abba, father -

today is better.



currently titled "visions of the reborn":
and i remember
hot summer days
and cool nights
down cities with street lights
ever-luminating a lost, lost sky ...

that black sky,
that oblivion you once told me of,
was gone,
gone,
gone. ...

when i found you.