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m&ms487
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2006 6 June :: 10.34am
:: Mood: confused
So my life's focus is working now. You don't know how much that sucks.
I don't want to waste my life, but it's so tempting.
I'm reading Girl Interrupted. I started about an hour and a half ago when I woke up and I'm almost done with it. It reminds me so much of so many things I thought I was the only one who thought them.
I have trouble with that, putting what I think into words. I just can't describe some of the thoughts that go through my head. They are so painfully abstract.
I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on anymore, but I guess I never really quite did in the first place. I'm on the painful edge of being an adult, but still living at home with the same rules I had when I was twelve. I defineately do not do the same things I did when I was twelve.
I'm ready to go, but I'm obligated to stay. This debate will last a lifetime.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 2 June :: 9.29pm
"I want what is yours, and I want what is mine"
It's like putting the kool aid into the pitcher and watching the water turn a lovely shade of translucent red.
It all dissolves into a homologous mixture, each part containing equal parts of the solution.
Except, it's never really that perfect. It's all very unequal upon closer inspection.
A closer inspection reveals what you may have never known as the fruity, sugary goodness flows down your throat.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 31 May :: 3.49pm
You send me off,
With wishes of
Good Health and Good times.
Forget-me-nots line the road,
and i'm not suppose to
look back, but i do.
It's not your fault
But my very own
Don't look back and see me here.
I am stagnant,
in a pool
of my own blood and tears.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 21 May :: 7.47am
:: Mood: apathetic
School is done.
Now I get to look forward to working. at meijer. at the service desk. for six an hour. bitches.
It was fun while it lasted, i guess.
Now i get to go to college, that's the scary part.
Mine and Rueben's two year anniversary was Friday. It seems like we've been together forever....
He got me flowers and last night we went out to eat and then we fell asleep together. I love falling asleep with him. It's the only time when I feel safe. I can curl up next to him and know he won't let anything hurt me. It's a wonderful feeling.
i miss band.
3 backstagenone |
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 9 May :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: sad
I miss you. I wish you were here. But you aren't.
whatever.
Band awards dessert tonight. I'm receiving my department award on May 30 at honors convocation.
I got my honors band CD today. It is quite lovely. I like listening to people who can actually play.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
michelle
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 8 May :: 8.34pm
I'm printing off the pictures for the mr. robuck and mr. green present thing for tomorrow. I'm not sure if i have enough photo paper. oh well.
I didn't do my rough draft for english. I turned my test in late. I bullshitted my way through my presentation. I don't know how I got through the past four years.
Jessie, Josh, and I are going to the mall on wednesday! I'm really excited. I love josh, he's my favorite oboe player ever.
Graduation party is June 3. Everyone is invited. Ask for directions if you need to. We'll have good food and a classic rock band (my dad's band).
mmhmmm.
I got a flower for my flute choir concert because I was a senior. I was extremely excited. You have no idea. My solo went well, the piccolo song, not too much. Oh well, it wasn't my fault he was so sharp.
Band concert went well. Last band concert. I cried on the way home. I know, i'm a band geek. It happens.
Pictures are almost complete. I'm getting very excited.
Good night.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 2 May :: 4.29pm
I took the ap statistics test today. Three hours of exciting fun with my space shuttle. Woot.
It was absolutely horrific.
I don't understand what is wrong with me. I feel the need to hide under the covers and eat chicken noodle soup. Interesting.
michelle
1 backstage |
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 30 April :: 7.10pm
:: Mood: enraged
I think i lost my fucking bioethics test that I didn't remember I had due tomorrow. Fuck.
I had the bitchiest lady at work today. She actually made me cry. I had to go to the manager's office and sit down for a few minutes because she verbally attacked me. I don't normally get that upset, sure I have people who I want to strangle, but for some reason this lady just made it so fucking personal. I was trying to tell her that she was wrong in the nicest way possible and she was like "don't you shake your head at me like that" and "You people owe me for my time fixing your mistakes" and "don't tell me that I'm wrong, you're wrong, I'm not wrong, I deserve a twenty five dollar gift card, and that's what you need to give to me to make me happy".
And of course my manager gave it to her. It was all because she was "overcharged" on a twenty four pack of water. Well, the upc on her water and the upc on the receipt didn't match, meaning there was no fucking way it was the same product. NO WAY IN HELL can that happen. Well she wanted not only the price that it was marked, but the "sale" price from last week. Okay, I can live with that, it's like fucking five dollars, and she wanted a gift card, okay, a little much, but whatever, and then when I wouldn't give her the michigan scanning award (if a product is marked lower than what it rings up at the register you get the difference back plus ten times the amount UP TO FIVE DOLLARS) because the fucking upc didn't match the upc on the receipt, which it has to to give the award, she wanted to be upgraded from a ten dollar gift card to a fucking twenty five dollar gift card. Which, my manager did of course. There wasn't even a "thank you for your fucking help". Nope. Not at all.
I haven't cried because of a customer since the first day I worked at the service desk.
Whatever.
Fucking bitch, and she wasn't even fucking right.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 30 April :: 12.15am
:: Mood: annoyed
Last night was nothing that I expected it to be. Prom was fairly lame, I had a much better time getting ready than at the dance itself. I love Josh so much, he's so much fun. I think he's the male version of Jessie; scary, I know.
So this time it wasn't just about it, it was about being together.
If I could only mix the cola and the grenadine together, I'd have the perfect cherry coke, but no one makes them the way I like them anymore. They use to when I was little. It's just not as good as it use to be, I guess.
I loved my hair last night. I even slept with it in and it stayed, but I took it out in the morning before I went to pick up summer. I had a shit load of bobby pins in my hair. Went to flute choir this morning on four hours of sleep. Took a nap this afternoon, and now I can't go to sleep. I feel like a restless zombie, my whole body is on a fucked up schedule. I have to work tomorrow, and I have a ton of homework just waiting for me to start on it. I don't want to start on it.
I've put in four good years. Time for a break.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 18 April :: 8.08pm
It occured to me yesterday that everyone I know is painfully normal. There is nothing special about any of us. There are one hundred other people out there with the exact same talents and skills as any one of us. What makes us think we are anything to be proud of? The only thing that sets us apart are our experiences, but hell, who cares about experiences if you can't fit them into a concise paragraph along with your hopes and dreams and plan of the future?
I found out a few weeks ago that I was accepted into the Grand Valley State University School of Music to study for a degree in Music (performance) or Music Education.
It appears I have everything figured out. It would be wonderful if I really did.
Today was a horrible day. I don't know exactly why. It was just the feeling I had about it. Everything seemed so real, so acute, so harsh. It's hard to explain. It seems like the good days float by with a cloud of superficiality, nothing really grabs hold so much as just grazes by. It's like a bullet being shot that whizzes about your head. You realized it would hurt if you were struck, it might even be fatal, but because it didn't strike, it's almost not real. You are left with no physical reminder of it's presence. It can be soon forgotten, there was no true impact on your life.
Being struck with that bullet is a different story. You must live with the pain and reminder of it every day. It digs into your body, as much as into your soul. It's there, it's real.
That's what today seemed like. Real.
3 backstagenone |
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m&ms487
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2006 26 March :: 6.26pm
get off of it bitch.
you need to stop going after what will never be yours.
3 backstagenone |
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m&ms487
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2006 26 March :: 6.22pm
i feel like i need to escape, or i need an escape.
whatever.
so much bullshit. of course my happy little world will come crashing down, what more could be expected?
i'm going to prom with josh.
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 23 March :: 6.51pm
Saturday is state, i'm pretty nervous. I have my GVSU music auditions next saturday, so I'll get everything out of the way so I can enjoy my spring break. At this point I don't really care how I do at state, just so I can get it over with.
During the meaps today my english class was combined with a modern lit class. There was this kid who was bugging the shit out of me because he was suppose to be writing a paper, but didn't know how to do it. So I turned around (because of course I wasn't going to do any of the work I was suppose to be doing) and I helped him write his paper. The kid was a junior and didn't even know you could incorporate a quotation from a book into your own sentence. So, I helped him write a couple of paragraphs. He just didn't know how to say what he wanted to say. I bet when he gets his paper back it's better than a C he'll be surprised. It made me wonder just how some people can get so far in our education system and fail so badly. I really did like working with him, however, and it kept me busy for an hour.
Syrinx is going good, and I'm excited for the end of my senior year. The future is getting less scary the farther I travel. That's a good thing, a very good thing.
michelle
Places in five!
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m&ms487
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2006 26 February :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: Handel - Messiah
It's quite cold in my house right now. Maybe I'm just the one that's cold.
Finished reading Madame Bovary. It's a very interesting novel. It reminds me of a quote that I heard on a show a little while back that didn't even make it a full season:
"Men are romantics pretending to be realists and women are realists who pretend to be romantics."
I remember hearing that and it struck me. I'm not quite sure I know exactly HOW it struck me, it just did. I believe it's very true. Very realistic. It must have been thought of by a woman......
I'm very scared about the next few months. I'm so busy. But sometimes that really works out because I use that little time that i have a lot more wisely. I don't sit down and watch tv for a few hours, I get my homework done because I know that when I get that done it will be time to go to sleep, then time to wake up and go to school or work and do the same thing all over again. I like how it keeps me busy. I just get tired sometimes. I get scared that I won't be able to get what needs to be done done. I need to memorize my scales very badly. I have exactlly 29 days before S and E and limited time before my auditions for the school of music. I wish I had memorized them when I was in middle school, it's so hard now. I hate our education system. They keep the fine arts, but only enough to the point where students know where they need to get after all of it to make things happen, but they don't have the training they need to make it, and they know it. I know it. I met so many talented people at honors band. They knew so much. I felt like I was in sixth grade again. I think I was more naturally inclined than most, but they had training, and that's all that matters. They've had tons of music theory, expensive private lessons, and opportunities to perform and support from their school that I can't even imagine. I get told by people every day that I just need to settle for how horrible some people in our music program are, and I know how good people can be, how "good" i am, but compared to everyone else out there, how far behind I am and how much more ahead I could be if only I had those few opportunities, and now here I am, almost at the end of the line, getting ready to jump off the airplane and I don't even know how to work my parachute. It might as well be a suicide jump.
But I can't settle, because I know that when I get there it'll all be worthwhile, but can I get there? How? That's my question.
4 backstagenone |
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m&ms487
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2006 29 January :: 5.59pm
solo and ensemble went well
Rob and mine's duet was SO GOOD.
we got a one
and I got a one on my solo......
:)
summer got a one too. I'm very proud of her.
4 backstagenone |
Places in five!
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