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aaron

:: 2007 15 January :: 10.51pm
:: Mood: tired

God, I want it back...
does anyone else feel like the world has lost it's mystery?

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mudpiegrl

:: 2007 9 January :: 11.42pm

i feel like im fucking up life so much right now. im negative 100 dollars in my account and i have a ticket to pay and five parking tickets (ive had really really bad luck lately) and now im not going to be able to pay rent. this fucks me up soooo much.

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aaron

:: 2007 2 January :: 1.41pm
:: Music: Hysteria, Muse

Quote of the new year:
Wake-up, fuck head. Time to live.

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aaron

:: 2006 21 November :: 9.54am
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: The big medley on Michael's computer

...or maybe not.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 18 November :: 1.20am
:: Mood: contemplative

I'm at a strange point i never thought i'd find myself at...i could easily find myself in a relationship in a week. i could also easily find myself in temporary consolation with a few guys. logically, one says, the relationship. but i've weighed the circumstances. i'd be hindered to a certain extent...rather than doing what i want when i want. i kinda like going out to dinner or lunch with whomever asks and not worrying about who's going to care.

on the other hand, it'd be nice to have someone who i can always call and they're prepared to come see me. but that also means that i'd have to be the same way...or that they may be over too much...::cringe:: i dont know what i want right now and i really dont want to drag anyone into my life without really caring for them.

i somewhat feel like a whore, as well as like im walking away from something that i need...but i dont know waht i need or want right now...just that im having fun in my classes and making anything i care to make. it's nice...

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Aaron

:: 2006 25 October :: 9.37pm
:: Mood: Final.
:: Music: The Used

Flags of Dawn
this darkness would
eclipse our will
a cold wind blows
across these hills
a swinging gaze
from a hangman's tree
a crow's nest view
of what's left to see
the light that's formed
of saints return the silence to the snow
still beneath the craters waiting
for this time to grow

so hold on
hold tight
open daylight
we will overcome

so put away your fear
the morning star will soon appear
and bring an end
to this dark night
and we must run if we're to meet the light
watered by the blood of martyrs
blessed and blind as sons and daughters
sleep with one eye open
and live with both eyes shut
so let's find the place where sight begins
and see the things that we saw when our
eyes were bright and wet against the light

and hold on
hold tight
open daylight
we will overcome

open your eyes
over the new sight
fly the flags of dawn

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 18 August :: 10.03pm

im finally home from work.

i spent an awesome week in the city. patrice and i both got jobs; mine is at columbia and hers is at coldstone. we ate at some restaurants, walked on some streets, spent loads of money, went grocery shopping. we unpacked a lot, and patrice has endless clothes.

i went to columbia today to sign a paper at ten am, then hurried to make the ten thirty metra to north glenview, which i did.
except i got on the west line...not the north. so i had to turn around, wait thirty minutes for the eastbound train, run off that train to catch the northbound and i finally made it to north glenview, and then to yardhouse, forty minutes late. but work wasnt too bad. i coloured mostly.

afterwards, i called a bunch of friends and my family. no one could come pick me up. none of my friends answered, and my brother was going out, and my parents were both too intoxicated. isn't that fun?
my brother didnt even leave until i got home anyway...and i had to have katie, who was planning to head twenty minutes the opposite direction, drive me home.

so needless to say, im a little perturbed.

however, my paycheck is $402.80, the most i've ever made on one paycheck. and it's most of my rent.

also, my new job pays $7.75/hr, and has a steady 20 hrs a week. that makes $155 a week, $620 a month, minus taxes, but it's still good for rent. heck yes! plus, i'm planning on aquiring another job for the weekends... :-D

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Aaron

:: 2006 27 July :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: Accomplished
:: Music: Kyo, Le Chemin (again, the whole album)

"This is it; The moment you've ALL been waiting for..."
Today, I was getting paranoid about Jessica again. The most irrational thing I could possibly do, especially when I consider how we were talking about how much we liked each other and how uncannily compatible we are not eight hours earlier.

I quickly realized my folly:

I'm not full in. I've picked up the bat, I'm at the plate, the ball has been thrown. A curve ball. If I swing, I might miss. I might hit it. I've no way to tell other than what I know of my own abilities. I've not totally committed yet...I'm still afraid. Hence I get paranoid. I've decided I'm done being afraid. I'm ready to swing. I'll do everything within my power to get that ball out of the park. I'm leaving my old self behind.

Look back through the pages of this journal. The boy you see thoughout most of it is now dead. I've let him die -nay, killed him- because he was not who I was meant to be I am something more...something better. I hope you can see that now.

Ultimately, there are only two things holding my old self in reality. Our memories, which will fade and tarnish, and this journal, which I have the opportunity to destroy.

I'm taking it. I've sent the website a request to have it deleted. I don't need anything on here anymore. I'm letting it all go...



...I'm swinging my bat. For God, for myself, for her.


I don't know how long it will take...but it'll be soon.



Later.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 25 July :: 12.58am

im sorry i threw a fit tonight.


i didnt want to.


i wish that people would understand that when im upset, i should be left alone, because otherwise, i get more upset.


::sitting by self::


"what's the matter?"


"i'm fine." leave me alone


"no, you arent." i wont be if you dont leave me alone.


"dont worry about it."


"well, im going to." then im going to start crying soon.


"please dont."


"i do. im your friend." funny, now you are? you were so excited to see me and then didnt talk to me all night and now that im upset, you're my friend?


wow. that's great. i have great friends. ones who always stick up for me when im in trouble...they're really great at pulling me out of the mud.


and yes, i know how accessible this is and yes, im doing it on purpose.


this is why i hate doing anything with "couples". not because im lonely but becuase you pay attention to no one but yourselves. you might as well go nowhere with anyone else and drown in each other.


so that's really it. im sick of work. im sick of everyone here. i cant stand home, watching my mum deteriorate. im ready to leave.


so goodnight. i'll do something that i actually want to do in the morning. like the fact that tonight, i wanted to go to Ra with coworkers...like i do every sunday. but i didnt because i was asked to do something else, something with people i was told really wanted to see me.


what a fucking lie.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 16 July :: 12.14pm
:: Mood: guilty

Sorry, it's long. It's interesting...
My grandpa died, so the last four days, I was in Vancouver. We left on Wednesday to see the relatives we hadn’t seen for at least eight years, depending on the body. The beginning was strange...like reassociation.
If you didn’t know better, Nanny seemed like nothing had happened at all.
The memorial was on Thursday, and it was like being in the geriatric wing of a hospital. Three of his four kids spoke, one’s wife, and my brother in place of my dad. My brother actually cried, for what, I believe, was his first time since finding out the news. He acted fairly unaffected until then. Bernice (the youngest kid, our aunt) cornered Tyler, questioning him about our mum’s drinking and what we were doing about it. She said that no one had recognized when she arrived at Christmas. When she had left them then, Grandpa put his head down, shaking it, saying, “We’ve lost that one” and Nanny said that she’s a lost cause.
During the socializing part of the service, the cousins (Brooke, Cory, Rayden, Tyler, and me) planned to meet the next day for the BC Lions football game. We planned to pick up Cory and her boyfriend at their house to see it and then meet at Brooke’s for an hour or so, because it’s about ten minutes from the stadium. That night we went to a Greek restaurant, where I had the best lamb I've ever had.
But Rayden ended up picking us up at the hotel and took us to Cory’s house, where I saw the largest quantities of pot I've ever seen: filling a thirty gallon plastic bin. (It’s legal in BC; you’re allowed eight plants. It’s well-known enough that it’s called BC’s Best here.) They’d ordered a limo to pick us up there. Cory’s friend Twig and his girlfriend, Randy, showed up late, along with her boyfriend, Ryan. The limo was there at six and they weren’t ready yet. There began the wonderful limo ride.
The lady was strange immediately. The one rule was they couldn’t smoke, which they all do, as you could imagine. She said the sun roof had been bolted shut and the front window didn’t go up. The side container had rotten beer and mass amounts of fruit flies in it. These were all complaining points. We stopped at a liquor store (the age is 19) and everyone but Tyler and I got out to smoke and to buy. Then, because they had taken so long to get ready and get in the car, our hour was nearly up. It was a hundred dollars each way, and she tried to tell us that if we picked up Brooke and her boyfriend, Rory, that it would be another sixty dollars, rather than fifty. That didn’t go over so well. Once we had reached Vancouver, Rayden lit up…and she knew it. She threatened to kick us out. When we got to the pavilion, she said she wasn’t coming back. Ryan got $135 back (we originally paid $250) and we went in the game, dreading Cory, Ryan, Rayden, his girlfriend, Twig, and Randy joining us. In fact, Brooke, Rory, Tyler and I feared we’d be escorted out because they’d cause trouble. After the game, we went to a nearby bar. Rayden and his girlfriend left early, and Twig and Randy got in a fight where Randy ended up catching a cab herself. So Twig, Cory, Ryan and we goodfour were left. Brooke and Rory went home, because it was ten minutes away, but the other five of us had to try to catch a cab. The first one we found said eighty dollars to fit us in a normal size car. We attempted to get a van, which only took four. We ended up getting someone to do it for a hundred: seventy for the company, thirty dollars tip. We took them home from the hotel. Tyler and I walked in the hotel room at ten to three. My mum was up, making phone calls, getting her flight changed to the twenty-first. She hadn’t asked anyone, so the next morning when Nancy (my aunt by marriage) arrived at five-thirty to say goodbye to us, she was surprised to find out she had to take my mum back…to a family who was not prepared to have her for another week. She called Tyler and I as we arrived in Dallas, telling us she’d be home the next day.
The airport was yet another adventure that neither of us was prepared to face after two and a half hours of sleep. We arrived at the airport at seven-thirty and rushed through everything we could, thinking our flight was at eight o’clock. At security, I got chosen to be patted down. It got us through the line faster and she told us that the boarding was at eight o’clock. We got breakfast and jumped on the plane. We shared headphones and watched Ice Age 2 on the flight, which Tyler fell asleep at the very end. The both of us had really rough sleeps. We arrived in Dallas with two hours left, so we went to Friday’s and got wings and chips and dip. I passed out for a good hour on the Dallas-Chicago flight. Once at Chicago, we both checked one of our bags. But they weren’t at Claim 9, as they’d said they’d be. In fact, half of our flight’s bags didn’t make it there…or to Chicago at all. Nor did half the flight’s before us. Nor did some of Salt Lake City. So of course, the baggage claim was full of angry people, screaming at employees and bitching to each other. We’d arrived at six forty-five, twenty-five minutes early. We didn’t walk out of there until two hours later. Then we had to wait for the bus to take us to economy parking lot F. Then we had to buy toothbrushes and deodorant.
I came home with the responsibility my mum had agreed to previous to the trip. I had to take the neighbour’s two dogs out as well as ours. Now they’re at our house.
It was an interesting trip.
It makes me really sad that my grandpa died thinking knowing he had failed as a father with one of his five kids.

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Aaron

:: 2006 11 July :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: Solemn
:: Music: Drops of Jupiter, Train

"...And with a note of Finality"
I've said in the past that First Love never dies...




-pulls trigger-




...I lied.

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Aaron

:: 2006 9 July :: 5.56pm

Four hours and thirty-seven minutes.

Holy-crap.

I used to make fun of people for talking that long...and I just did it. I feel bad though, her mom was angry...She couldn't figure out what we could talk about for that long...and to tell the truth, neither can I.

I test at Sylvan tomorrow morning. I have to get tutored in Algebra II so I can pass the Asset tests and get into a decent math course. I need my AA when I graduate so I can apply for WSU or WWU.

Start work Tuesday morning.

I might have a French dude come live in my house for three weeks. That'd be seriously awesome.

I'm hungry.

I need food.

-Later-

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 3 July :: 3.14pm

im in between workings. i just returned from the studio and now am going to yardhouse.

i hate how everything is right now. i want to be able to just sit and talk to someone. but the only people i ever want to talk to always have someone else with them wherever they go. or dont call me back at all.

my mum went through the table. of course, she was drunk...what else is new. so it's broken; im surprised she isnt.

so i really wnat to make a trip to the hospital...take a gander at opportunites for detox for her. she needs it badly.

work time.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 22 May :: 2.08am

im going to cathy's mum's funeral in five hours. i made her a book.
it made me cry. it always makes me cry when i come down to thinking about my friends. the good ones, anyway. because i realise how special they are. and how i would miss them if they were gone. and what i would have missed without them. and how i love them now and will always. thats why i dont make those things often. it's tough to put it just right. to capture precisely how i feel. but i can guarentee that if you're reading this, you deserve one.

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 18 May :: 10.33am


This person is basically my hero.Read more..

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