mudpiegrl
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2005 22 July :: 5.12pm
i went to that bridge thing today...
we actually didnt get lost, which was surprising.
so for everyone who doesnt know what a bridge program is, which is everyone i asked, its basically a stupid people program....either you were dumb for not doing your hmwk or just purely dumb.
we get to learn math.....like right angles....and read a book...
but going there for the next four weeks means not working as much, as if i was making enough money as it was.
gah...i need to get another job that can give me more hours the chuck e cheese because i need to work at night on the weeknights i dont even care if i cant hang out with people as often.
i also need to turn in my fafsa
oh she said we get our own special orientation and assessment and that we are her "special kids" good god could you tell us we're dumb in any better way. hm...i know one. "you're all too dumb for this school. exit now, please."
ama try to nap for a bit. g'ngiht
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mudpiegrl
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2005 21 July :: 8.10pm
i wish i could dance. such an intimidatingly unlimited form of expression. you can just move, which is natural to our bodies anyway. when you're angry, you usually dont sit in a corner and paint. you want to throw things. but grace was not in my plan, apparently.
"...either javert or valjean!"
today was one of those days that just didnt go alright. i didnt want to get up, possibly from staying up so late and i strangely enough cant forget justin. but then at work i started to get aggravated wiht stunkel and pudding really fast. i dont know if its just tired or maybe mixed with pms or are people really not so hot on hanging out with me? kinda seems like it but i hope ill forget it after this week when i sleep and tom leaves.
"kidnap the sandy claws, beat him with a stick..."
tomorrow am going to columbia for this bridge program, which i dont even know what that means but i guess ill find out. kristen and faith are coming with me so if i get lost, i wont freak out. yay! i sorta want to run i just wish it was dark because its just easier to run when its darker. its cooler and people dont look at you and theres not so many people out anyway.
"And in my bones I feel the warnth
That's coming from inside"
im sorta worried. i doubt mr. curry sent in my recommendation letter, and if he did, how come i dont have my orientation with jessica and brittany, who are the last group? im probably screwed for college. i guess i was stupid for waiting so long, but....i dont know.
"falling...me cayendo...fall of an angel, you can see the fall (celestial) when you're feeling high yo estoy dentro de las sombras....when you kiss the earth...angel of your mind flowing through you...dentro de suenos mas profundos...yo ti oigo mi llamas...celestial...tus miedos profundos, me ves cayendo...falling...vivo dentro en tu espiritu...la tienda dentro de tu corazon...you can see the fall...angel...in your deepest dreams...fluyendo dentro de ti...fall of an angel...besando la tierra...asciende te, levantando te...fluyendo dentro de ti...atraves de ti...cuando te levantas...cuando esta triste...cuando lloras con la lluvia."
i want to start painting on peoples walls. characters and such. like a lot of people put winnie the pooh on babies walls.....and spongebob and loads of other stuff, stuff i can copy!
alright i think im done...my day has been made because i found cirque du soleil lyrics
now ama translate.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 21 July :: 12.04am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: "Thirty-Three" -Smashing Pumpkins
just now
alright so im trying to get the invitations done for my party now. it's greatly frustrating fun!
ever get that feeling that you're walking on eggshells with everyone you're around. like...you do one thing and theyll want you to leave and not see you for a good month? i knew tonight would be bad. i kinda wish i had my friends back. i'm glad they're happy, but it's sad, really. i suppose you cant hold on to people forever, of course you cant. but then theres the people you could hold on to for just a bit longer, like your favourite english teacher who you know could teach you so much more. the thing is, you dont cherish your english teacher the way you do amazing friends.
the issue with hanging out with smart people is you always kinda feel dumb, although, you could do nothing but learn from them. it's the same with a great friend. you feel horrible because you cant return to them the purpose they set in your life. somewhat like a car crash, you can never fully remove the imprint although the danger has gone.
of course, a natural reaction when you have such a dent is to search for the guy who drove off after hitting your passanger side door after his ice cream at culvers. soon you realise htat the fight is useless, because he's not the only one with a blue sedan at about that height. but he's the only one who hit you, and you remember him.
so maybe thats what im doing. i want something as great as ive had, from everyone. but its so hard to find just right. and when youve come across something thats an okie substitute, like splenda, you decide alright, if thats all there is, then sure, ill take that. of course, as with all substitutes, you quickly realise its hardly as satisfying as the real thing. throw away that coffee and ask for a fresh cup, black, please.
sorry i changed metaphors. im almost angry. almost. anger is the easiest emotion, although i feel the guiltiest for having it, depending on the circumstances.
so i guess, thank you. you know who you are. but you dont read this, and so i guess you wont know. and to everyone, ill try to be more reasonable in my actions so as to not irritate you, because, honestly, you know i do.
by the way, honesty and sincerity are entirely different things. people generally conclude that all sincerity is honesty, although mostly true, the opposite is false, but also assumed. who has heard of honesty as a bad thing. while i was straightening my hair, i decided that i am kinda like the thing. you want to be hard as stone and appear unbreakable, but really have emotion inside. you could be ideal. but rather, those things that are sought after like greek art are also frustratingly difficult to accept.
at the same time, as horrible as i feel for making people angry, ive got this other frustration wiht myself. you know how youll buy someone a twenty dollar gift that you actually cared to think about and decided was perfect and they would cherish it forever? but then they bought you a card that simply says "good day" and signed, not sincerely, but in the car at the stoplight of sixty and milwalkee? oh and its got a wrinkled ten dollar bill in there that you know he pulled out of his wallet in the driveway and tried unsuccessfully to flatten across his leg? thats a bit like what it feels like. i dont mean money wise, because honestly, i dont care htat much about money. it's things that you do because you want to, but also because you know that's what you would want.
i guess not everyone's like htat though. i dont know. i doubt im actually as much as i think, just becuase i have a bit more of an ego than id like to admit.
well, if you actually got through this, good night. ill send you an invitation.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 17 July :: 2.12am
:: Music: fan.
I have this song/track in my head. it's called "Mecury Rising" by From Autumn to Ashes, a band I surprisingly like some of thier stuff.
It's really just a guy talking but I like what he says.
Every breath that I exhale is a sigh -
every breath that I exhale is a sigh of exhaustion.
[repeating throughout]
How sad - this is what your life has
been reduced to - a single room apartment containing no more than a mattress.
The strings have been removed from the blinds and all the outlets have been
painted over. The television screen is streaked with blood smeared from your
knuckles as you were trying to punch it out but you underestimated its
strength, or maybe you just weren't trying hard enough. Startled by a knock
at the door you rise for the first time in two days to answer, but you can
only greet the visitor with one short statement. Hello my first name is
distance and I really don't care if I never wake up again.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 15 July :: 3.48pm
:: Mood: irritated
Bad day
Today has just not gone well at all.
What I was supposed to do:
10:00-13:00-Work at VHHS
21:30-23:16-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Patrice, Sandy, Jackie, and Kristen
23:30-24:00-Harry Potter Party at B&N
But...I have to work from 17:00-22:00...soo...:
21:30-23:16-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Patrice, Sandy, Jackie, and Kristen
13:30-15:16-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Puddin'
But he had too many things to do.
So I came home and wanted to wash my car and make coffee smooties for Patrice, Ryan, and myself.
But my blender is soo shitty, it doesn't even come close to chopping the already chopped ice.
And the "drought" forbids us to use excess amounts of water.
So that all sucks.
Ama go get my wristaband for the book and my check from Chuck E. Cheese and go to the bank to get money for the book and come home and pack my stuff for our awesome sleepover, wherever that may end up being.
I think I'm too stressed because I made myself really mad by thinking about stuff today...rather than just pitifully mourning it. Have you (and I'm talking to anyone who would actually read this) ever listened to a song and thought it meant one thing to you but then thought about it at another time and then got confused and realised it's broader than you thought? "Short Stories with Tragic Endings" is like that for me.
Alright, am done whining for now.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 12 July :: 11.43pm
:: Mood: sleepy
so im staying up for justin to sneak out but am so tired its tough.
i dont have to work til one though so no worries. i dont hve to get up early.
but justin and i are just friends...i promise.
i painted spencers wall with the opeth symbol today....twas fun.
it took me three cds plus some time for that.
i just remembered i know yet another person going to columbia, with whom i actually might hang out.
i was thinking about social life next year....and if college doesnt bring anyone, sandy and patrice and kristen are still here.
and i need a new job so i can quit chuck e cheese. i need to badly.
alright i guess thats it. g'night, then.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 11 July :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: nothing
I'm being childish. Today should not have gone the way it did.
I'm going to give Melanie her present and say I have to leave because I really just don't want to be around people.
I launched an attack that ended in massacre. Damn flies. I swear they are in the vents.
I got in a fight with my mum. I was fine until she started yelling at me about how my teeth cost too much. Why does she do that? It really isnt fair. I've calmed down now, which is why this is hardly a rant.
I saw Neil today. We talked for about an hour. About nothing. Like always. I'm such an idiot. I'm doomed in terms of a husband. He'll be just like my mother. He'll be an idiot and smoke and get drunk every night and mistreat his kids. Or maybe that's me.
I'm going to the park now. Work tomorrow.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 11 July :: 1.50am
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: hummmm of comp
Jorie's Lament; Track 7, 32 minutes.
I'm sorry if you're actually reading this. If you don't want to hear me complain, I suggest you stop now.
I wrote this yesterday, well, I guess two days ago considering its nearly two AM.
My mum was talking on the phone:
I can't stand listening to her talk. Maybe becuase it's slow and unitelligable. "um...if you want something...um...to...um scare you, then it's not to see."
She talks about Shaun and how my accomplishments couldn't compare. Maybe I don't like unitelligable company at all. Brenden didn't impress me and Bobby and Mike are just annoying to me. I treat Gayson like shit but how could I not?
If one can open his mouth and tell things that no one cares about so often, he deserves it. He's nearly as self centered as someone else I know. More annoying than everyone else that I've ever been annoyed by. I'm just turning in,hiding things from even my best of friends. I scratched out just because that makes the request sound simple. Not someone, just for myself, but some who I don't feel like I'm intruding thier life when I talk to them. I work a lot. I should actually work more. I don't think I'm making nearly enough. Forty hours sounds right. What if I worked Chuck E. Cheese 6-Close four nights?
It ends. I started doing mAtH with how much I would make. It's really frustrating because I feel incredibly limited and so therefore I'd rather just work. There's this odd balance in which you can't spend too much time with people because they'd either prefer to spend it with someone else or they have no one else to spend it with and therefore you just get aNnoYeD. Regardless, here's the other that I just wrote about twenty minutes ago. We've had mass amounts of flies in our house lately, and everyone's frustrated but my brother asked my mum where they're coming from considering she's the only one ever home and she took it as he was blaming her. I spent the next twenty minutes chasing flies. I killed seven.
She is the furthest from fair. Not to mention her inconsistent and horrible parenting. If I'm grounded for two weeks, that's how long it should last. Not until the alcohol wears off. A curfew one night, and then not until two weeks later. I'm sick of getting blamed for everything, too! "This is because of your room! You don't tell me wehre you're going or when you'll be home." Yes, I do. You don't listen or remember! You don't even know when I'm home. My whole life I've had to do things for myself because I couldn't wait around for you. A minor should not need two jobs so she can buy shampoo because it takes you two weeks to read the fucking list. And then, when I cry because something in my social life isn't right, something which I'd rather piece together and deal with myself, and you won't let it float away because you want to know why. Maybe I want you to care when I'm hungry or when I hate my job or I did well in school. Maybe it'd be nice to be prided and SHOWCASED every so often. Not excessively, but like you care. Like you're not jealous. Like you know I'm goining places you never did. Maybe you could leave your jealousy behind for ten minutes and notice that my shelves are perfect and organized but the things on my floor have no place on them, and that I am not the one hosting flies in my room. I want to tell you how much I hate you, but at the same time, "you're a butterfly under the glass; beautiful, but you're not going anywhere." I want you to be in a HOSPITAL because I want you to get clean and live again.
The flies are hosting on you. You are the only decomposing meat in this house. Everyone else bustles about at high speed, but you sit and rot in your garage with the dog waiting patiently beside you for your heart to stop so she can actually be fed on time.
I dislike such immense lament toward anyone, but in a surprising turn of events, everything seems to be going so crappily right now and I'd rather this summer just end so that I can learn and meet new people in college. I was thinking about taking some classes at CLC as well so that if I decide that aRt is not for me, I can try to be a teacher. I think English would suffice, considering people get so frustrated with me for correcting them.
I really don't want to complain to anyone because they'll want to tell me to shut up because, really, my life isn't so bad. I do have a job and friends and a home and food and money to buy things, but socially, I'm currently sucking, and even one job is dead , the other has about a month and a half left.
I learned about Caesar's invasion of Gaul today and am going to continue my "Into the West" and learn about buGs tomorrow morning. Then I'll go to the dentists. Woo!
Sweet dreams of larvae invested liver and puky sugar water. G'night.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 5 July :: 5.31pm
two months...i've liked this kid for two months. i have to ask him if theres a chance because hes so confusing that i just dont know now.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 5 July :: 5.19pm
so life hasnt been extremely interesting although i did just type this giant thing on kristens comp so ill post it just because i dont have anything interesting to say although it is quite fun to type again! i miss it much!~
I wanted to write you a story. I thought of what I could write about, and my empty head was soon being drilled by the pulsating ringing that is made by the computer beside my head. It’s difficult to pick a topic that isn’t cliché, mostly because cliché is what has been written about before again and again. That’s what life is though; what people know.
So, in my quest for a great idea, I thought about my life. How interesting is my life, though? It’s a mess of memories that have been heard. An alcoholic mother, a dad who’s been away more than around, a brother who would beat up on me and now we get along. Yet another soap opera. Soap operas, of course, are the essence of life. Junior high, high school, home life, college days, days at the office, your pathetic minimum wage job. If it isn’t a soap opera, it’s an eternal comedy sketch, depending on your perspective of life’s ridiculous quarrels.
Let’s explore the not so common experiences. Say your life is like a horror flick. All lack of probability excluded, you’re out with your friends and oh, my! The news report on the radio station that you never listen to but happen to stop on while flipping through the channels informs you of a serial killer on the loose, which, by the way, would never happen, considering teenagers have every station they’d ever care to listen to memorized by heart, unless, on the rare occasion, they’re on a road trip, in which case, they would have a tape or CD. Johnny says he has to pee and the pathetically paranoid girl decides that everyone must fret about the escapist. “Oh, dear,” says Johnny, “I’ll hold my pee for three more hours while we run around town from this stupid man with a knife, who in all likelihood, would probably trip on his dumb ass and kill himself before he would actually catch you. Besides, why in God’s name would this man you’ve never met decide on you as his prey. Honestly, killers usually have an idea of who they’re going after as a form of revenge, not hostile ideas like those exemplified in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. Even he has a motive, which is the wall that needs blood to keep it thick. Of course, his hatred of humanity allows him to continue rather than just to move from the house. Regardless of motives and ideas, have you ever noticed how the highest rating movies are those of such impossibility?
People are bored with their soap opera lives, so much that they will watch others pretend ones for hours on end. Obviously, they are pretend and a half ass actress with a name for her character from an ancient tribe in Peru could have all the family problems of you and your seven friends on her own because her mother married Todd’s brother and she happens to be going out with Todd but then his kid is Jessica’s but she was a whore at that time but it’s all in the past but it’s not because then Jimmy comes back from the dead. How realistic.
Every so often though, you’ll run across a good book that doesn’t only play on human stupidities but goes in depth to the human psyche, which is a difficult topic for anyone to understand. However, you are still only reading into one persons opinion and a good majority of people will buy into that authors ideas as well and two others and therefore focuses in on a very close minded opinion of whatever it is. Rarely, you’ll find a person who can read the underlying meaning of those books and piece together their own opinion, both absorbing and disposing of the ideas that have been written down. These are intelligent people. I am not one of them.
That’s my spiel. It’s really not that great but it’ll entertain you about as much as a five hundred page romance novel. Good day!
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mudpiegrl
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2005 6 June :: 9.11am
just wanted to annotate the new boy intrest.
of course, like the others, i dont believe its going anywhere.
kristen disagrees.
stunkel decided he's celery, because of peanut butter.
how ridiculous.
some people are furious at stunkel but hes just a kid, i dont know how people dont understand. havent they heard him make up stories? he lives in his world where things are his way, probably so he doesnt have to face the world. we all do it, but different ways. some people focus on the unimportant and whine about it a lot and others just ignore it and some mope about it and still others rub it in peoples faces that thier lives are worse and some just get frustrated after a while and take it out on someone else.
i dont think i could ever be mad at stunkel. the thing i love the most about him that ive never seen anyone do is that he can be so utterly disappointed in himself and depressed, but he will do his best to make everyone around him smile, whether they're already in a good mood or if they're not doing so well.
i'd hate to compare him to a dog, but its really the easiest because cats dont like people. sometimes he barks a little too much and it makes you say "shotzy, be quiet, mummy's doing her tai chi"(see that 70's show), but he plays with you an has endless energy and is a companion and through your blurry vision, you catch a glimpse of his tongue as a warning to close your eyes when you're sad. and he just makes you feel like at least someone cares.
i wish everyone could see that in him. but some people dont see much good in anyone.
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shalee
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2005 4 June :: 8.30am
"Things don't come full circle, they spiral."
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aaron
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2005 25 May :: 9.22pm
:: Mood: doubtful
:: Music: Epiphany, Staind
I don't think I can do this...I really don't. I'm too damn weak. Greg's turning into a man though. He stood up to me today. I'm proud of him. But then again, why would he think I'd want someone like Kendra? sure she's nice, but she is a little dull. Though I feel for her. She's been through so much shit It's unbelievable how depressed she is. SHe's totally apathetic...Just like me.
"gray would be the color, if I had a heart..."
"I thought you were the one, I thought you were perfect for me, But you're infected, just like them.
I wanna kill it,
I wanna burn it all,
I wanna skin it,
I wanna watch it all fall
You can stop respecting because I the infection that'll tear down these walls from the inside out.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 25 May :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: frustrated
how do you rid yourself of f r u s t r a t i o n ???
im currently stuck in a state of incessent anger
but dont ask me why because i honestly DON'T KNOW.
there are the little things, but they dont seem to cover the area...
maybe it's my best friend, ¢¾P¢¾ M¢¾S¢¾
i.e. TOM "are you tom?"
g'night my friends.
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mudpiegrl
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2005 24 May :: 11.12pm
why is the chalk box always harder to open than the crayon box?!?!
maybe its because the things that are grittier and not as smooth and easy to use come in harder packages so that you go through effort to get to them. those that shouldnt get there give up fast, deeming the package not worth thier time, although the package is clearly choosing that the person is not worth its opening.
no one wants the crayons because anyone can use them, even the four year old in kindercare.
i prefer chalk.
there's no black or white so you're forced to use colours to illustrate shadows and shines.
take this as you will...its a lot of thoguhts rolled into one metaphor that happens to be spilled out in yellow and green in front of me.
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