mudpiegrl
|
::
2008 24 April :: 6.10pm
it has upset me for the very last time.
being told that i am too creative will never end, but i've realised that it's okay.
for one, the greatest artists in history have gone against the grain and were rejected for it.
examples: Pablo Picasso Jacques Louis David Theodore Gericault Alfred Jarry Benjamin Franklin (though not a fine artist, a rejector nonetheless)
i don't pretend to be nearly as great as any of these people, and though there are failures among the greats, i will find something else to do if i fail.
For instance, my teacher does not have her name in lights, nor won an academy award. She is a teacher at columbia college. and she has to steal shows from seniors when she wants to do them, because she is no great human, even in chicago.
besides this, i refuse to misrepresent myself as an artist. i have been told to never lie and never to give the impression that i can do something i cannot. so why would my portfolio, as she says, present me in that way.
so for portfolio day, i will copy pictures of statues and old photographs. i will take tracing paper and trace them all, leaving the photocopied images in behind them. i will present them for my A, and not allow her to see my portfolio.
if she fails me, i will go to the dean and protest my failing the class based on too much creativity.
after all, i chose a school with the motto, "CREATE CHANGE".
if only this was practiced...:/
click this
|
|
aaron
|
::
2008 17 April :: 10.51pm
He never grows weary. He never let's up. He is never defeated. Time and time again I drive him back, chain him down, and run as hard as my legs can allow.
How are you one step ahead of me? How can you keep your breath?
And though I fall, I am not fallen. Though death seizes me, I do not die. Though I am struck, my body is whole.
I am so weary of fighting him. I want him to just die...but he is me?
Who is more myself? The zealous, devout, vengeful Lazarus? The indulgent, kniving, amiable Aaron? Both with virtue, both with vice. Never at peace. Always at odds.
Hope is an odd thing..."Come all you weary, lay down your loads."
Grace odder still. I am so grateful for all that I have, for the chance to fight this way, to see things from this vantage point.
I don't know where this is going.
I'm sorry? This is an apology. I've disgraced myself and my friends. Those dearest, those I've told I would guard. Time and time again I betray my intentions. But He is there, always beckoning, always welcoming, despite my flaws. I'm going to go to him now, when I feel most useless.
"The Lion's outside of your door, the Wolf's in your bed. The Lion's claws are sharpened for war, the Wolf's teeth are red."
2 already sqeezedz |
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2008 17 April :: 12.02am
i have issues with being a tree in a parking lot.
all the other trees get to hand out together on the side, but i have a slab of asphalt in my way.
:/
1 already sqeezed |
click this
|
|
aaron
|
::
2008 9 April :: 10.21pm
Now that I'm here, I don't ever want to look back
All that any of this is really worth to me is just knowledge. Knowledge that my identity is not dependant on my short-comings. Knowledge that I fought the good fight. Knowledge that I did what was best regardless of the circumstance. Knowledge that as long as I don't lean on myself, my life is worth being proud of.
Kameran had a really good idea. He took a dry erase marker and wrote all the reasons he was worth loving on his mirror.
I should paint "Death Be Not Proud" on my bedroom wall.
Death be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful for thou art not so. For those whom thou art thinkst thou dost overthrow die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me. For rest and sleep which but thy pictures be, much pleasure then from thee much more must flow. And soonest with thee our best men do go; rest their bones and souls delivery. Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men and doth with poison war and sickness dwell and poppy or charms can make us sleep as well or better than thy stroke. Why swellst thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally, and Death shall be no more. Death, thou shalt die.
Kirsten and I have had some really cool talks since then.
Haha, the bus-ride, the sports movie, the chic flick, the red-bull, the elevator...
It's amazing how much I appreciate my girl when I haven't been able to think of her that way for a week.
The Mexico spirit is still alive, I think. I can see it in the way people still communicate so well now. It's a bummer that I'm going out of town on Friday, but Saturday night I can hang with them.
And Sunday I should talk with Bob.
Ah...seven thirty class tomorrow. Know what that means? Bed-time.
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2008 4 April :: 1.09pm
anyone
have
any idea
where
i'm
GOING?
???
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2008 3 April :: 3.31pm
mosquitolives off host is hated by host serves no purpose to host moves onto another host when slapped at.
|
jorielives off friends is hated by friends serves no purpose to friends is rejected.
|
click this
|
|
aaron
|
::
2008 25 March :: 9.27pm
I suppose there comes a point where every one who does this sort of thing asks this sort of question.
Is it defining of me? Certainly not.
But it is facing my past and giving up is surrendering to that past.
So I can't give up. Never, ever, ever give up.
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2008 25 March :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: busy/annoyed/gloomy/tired
:: Music: the tv that is now back on.
i hope that, for everyone, not just myself, a lot of bad things happening at once is like taking bad tasting medicine all at once instead of three times a day. I hope that it'll be easier later when everyone else has it. It's all a little too much to keep up with, though.
1 already sqeezed |
click this
|
|
aaron
|
::
2008 19 March :: 10.04pm
TELL ME ARE YOU FREE
WHILE THE GALLOWS STAND
AND BULLETS LANCE
THE BRAVEST LUNGS
WILL I FOLD MY HANDS?
OR HOLD MY TONGUE?
OR LET THE FLAMES LICK AT MY FEET
AND BREATHE IN FIRE AND KNOW I'M FREE?
the flames will rise and devour me. To breathe in fire...
...and know I'm free
3 already sqeezedz |
click this
|
|
aaron
|
::
2008 17 March :: 11.38pm
I keep chasing myself in circles inside of my head.
But it's not really going anywhere right now. I feel loved all of a sudden...
out of nowhere some strong affection is raining down on me.
So I'll take this moment of peace as an opportunity to get some sleep.
click this
|
|
aaron
|
::
2008 17 March :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: Sad
I want to be Superman.
But I'm not. I'm Paul.
I can't fly in and save the day. I don't have some sense in the back of my head that tingles when I there's someone in distress. I haven't done anything that amazing. I haven't saved people from burning buildings. I haven't cured a disease.
I'm not Superman.
I'm Paul.
I'm Paul.
I'm Paul.
What does that mean...?
Ton Amie...
haha
She makes me feel so loved...you all do. I go on these crazy rants, and even though you don't say a word I know you read...at least sometimes.
Thank you.
click this
|
|
aaron
|
::
2008 23 February :: 10.42pm
Words really are sawed off shotguns. I can't hit just what it is...
I see now by what isn't what is, and it makes me so grateful.
That I have moved on, and that I am a new and different person. Knowing that, and loving what has become of my life.
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2008 17 January :: 10.37pm
So I'm only writing in here so much cuz I seem to be missing friends, but mainly a roommate who I can just spew thoughts to.
I'm excited about this show, Scorched, because he wants something big and unrealistic, and we have an awesome budget for it. I'm worried that, like all the things I get super excited about, it's going to fall short or something will be retracted and I'll end up disappointed...again.
I'm pretty sick of that happening, actually. I don't mind going day to day with nothing exciting, though I'd probably whine there was nothing interesting. But it would be nice if the things that excite me so much that I tell everyone I see did not fall through so when they ask how it went, I don't have to embarressingly admit that it acutally didn't happen at all.
I can finally pay for school, so I can finally register this week, thank god.
1 already sqeezed |
click this
|
|
aaron
|
::
2008 10 January :: 8.13am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: The Whaler
"I am not alone
But powerfully alive
so that desperate fear
pales and fades
before desperate love"
2 already sqeezedz |
click this
|
|
mudpiegrl
|
::
2008 8 January :: 1.08pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: The Dryer
I don't know what i'm doing. i might not go to school next semester because of money and that means no lasers like i promised faith and no shows like i said i'd work on. i also can't pay rent. i hate myself for that. and also for doing whatever it is that i did wrong. i shouldn't be this affected, logically, being only a week, but it still stings to the point where i'm doing anything to avoid thinking about it. i've watched more movies the last three days than i have in all of the semester put together. it's easier.
click this
|
|
