:: 2004 9 September :: 8.02 am

pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 8 September :: 10.10 am

listening to all these new bands. i think they are pretty cool. im excited!!

1 poops | pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 7 September :: 8.34 am
:: Music: yellow card

pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 31 August :: 8.15 am

so i went to the E.R. on tuesday. (last tuesday) i have a kidney infection....it sucks, cause it hurts and i cant consume some things i love for a while. like coffee. i got hooked up to an iv where they pumped loads of stuff in to me. it sucked cause my temp was 104.something and they wouldnt give me any blankets.....i was freezing cold. i had to stay there for like nine hours. anyways....the one guy i think i am truly infatuated with is the biggest asshole to me. ive basically given myself to him more than once and again learning that i have once again set myself up for disappointment. have you ever known you were being used, but in some way it didnt matter to you because you were atleast with that person? but thats the way you go into it. when you think about it you know he was an ass and you feel stupid for doing the same thing again and again. BUT in the back of your head you realize you would do it again in a heartbeat. and the pain it causes...almost unbearable...bringing you to the lowest you have ever been....comes back as soon as its over. so thats how i feel right now. alone and wanting more.

pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 2 August :: 1.16 am

i got my nose pierced the other day. my hair is blonde...i got highlights...then dark dark brown underneath.

i dont know where im going, but its not me anymore. ive lost what i had that thrill just to be innocent , and dont know whether its bad or not...acting my age...becomming what i used to hate about other people. giving in to easy...but maybe just in time to save myself. find myself. finally doing what i never dared to do before and not totally being disappointed with the results. im turning into something i always swore i wouldnt be. i see it now. what im becomming. i dont know what to do. i like doing whatever it is i do to be this new person, but in the same im ashamed. feeling less and less comfortable talking to those who i think are close to me...not being able to really tell them the truth about what ive been doing lately.....not so much what but just anything about me. i now find myself having to be careful of what i say and what i dont. if i feel like i have to do this that means that i will sooner or later be alone cause not telling them what i wish i could will just drive us apart. there are three people who now know everything about me, and they are the people who maybe a month ago, i never talked to and now they're the only ones i can talk to, because they dont make me feel like crap for the mistakes ive made, or rub in the fact that i made them. they just help, i guess or atleast support. its weird cause these friends i feel closer to than anybody. then the friends that i used to be the closest to are the ones i cant tell anything too. i dont feel ready to accept their judgement. i cant put myself out there cause no one understands except a certain few. the sad thing is they are the ones i used to hate for who they were and now thats who i am. hipocrit is i suppose what i am, but i dont know. they will except me for who and what i am when i know the people who used to wont. i dont know what to do about something. ive been taking part of something that i know will rip my insides out in the long run. i can feel now how hurt i will be when it happens,. even though while getting involved with it i knew it was inevitable. the pain, and feeling of loss. i know im going to loose what is making me so happy right now, because i knew i never had it. its just a matter of time, before i loose again what i think could have made me happy for a really long time. the sad things is im rambling on and on right now, and no one out there will understand what in the world im talking about. i knew/ know i am being used right now, but the true fact is im going to have to settle for it because as much as i know its nothing more than what i wish it could in the least be....im still infatuated. being able to have something like this as close as have it but also as far away as possible is what scares me and also intrigues me. im being used, i know it. ive accepted it. i think that...when the feeling i have when i know im wanted like this is gone i will be once again empty and trying to deal with reality again. i like him. i dont care if he doesnt feel the same right now. ive accepted that possibility, but i guess all i have to say now is ill take what i can get. the sick part..................i know im setting myself up for the most pain ive ever set myself up for in my life. hes closer than anyone has been to me, but also as far as possible all in the same.

8 poopss | pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 14 July :: 10.54 pm

well this summer is awesome. a lot of fun...havent written in a while....how is everyone? im glad that i am not tied down....jon called last night....ugh.,okay well thats all cant go in to much detail, but i have however been really, really busy.

pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 25 June :: 4.26 pm

away
so i am at girls state, and the first few days here have been great....but now that the job i had is now finished, i find myself being bored and the lack of sleep keeps catching up on me. so yeah...i miss having connections with the outside world right now. my eyes sting a little bit i think because they havent been closed so much. to be honest i miss conversing with the opposite sex....a lot! i know im not the only one but i still feel like i need to communicate with that of the opposite sex. well i suppose i should get going now...back to the real fun..

2 poopss | pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 18 June :: 2.03 pm

still no word from mr. ross....i guess i understand.

pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 10 June :: 7.27 pm

well life has been taking some fun turns. lol summer is just getting started....i went to the movies, the other night....when someone says..."ill call you" what does that mean?" that they actually will....or wont>?hm...maybe it means nothing....

3 poopss | pooper dooper scooper

:: 2004 1 June :: 3.01 pm

i need to break up with jon. any suggestions. cause i just cant bring myself to do it. i dont know how in the world ill feel afterwords....sad, mistaken,happy, relieved...or like i am making the biggest mistake of my life. i just know i need to....i think i have too. no offense but i dont want to end up like robbie and jessica where all you do is talk about the other when there not around and wish you were with them still. i dont want to be like that. i dont want to have to regret this. i think im not ready for a relationship so much. maybe i just need to be alone for a while. do you think suggesting a break is worse? or should i do the full out break up? i dont know what i am going to do. i am going to end up crying. i know that for sure cause i might just be making the biggest mistake or maybe it will be the best thing to ever happen to me because he isnt the right one. i dont know what to think right now. is it bad to be interested in other people ...i dont want a relationship just yet, at all....i dont know what i want, but i have a little crush on someone who has been in and out of my life sense middleschool and i dont want to loose him. but i dont want a relationship either...just a Close GOOD friendship. is that too much to ask? well i better get going so if anyone can help me out go for it!

8 poopss | pooper dooper scooper