seems so divided
I think I need sleep.
stupid test. seriously. I mean so many of those questions were purposely confusing and "both of the above" "none of the above" too many possibly right choices and not for lack of studying. Thats why I fucking get out of those things early.. try not to analyze too much. like my life.. which i analyze too much and things and all jumbly and mumbly.
I think Im starting a little to get back to my poet mood. little by little. I think one day I will try to compile all the poems I have written and try to get them published or something. little by little. something by somethings.
my fucking head feels too much cloudiness. fucking cloudiness. clouds that have intercourse with eachother. orgies of clouds. maybe cloads.

I'm falling into some bad things. some bad habits. I can see myself getting very unhealthy and it scares me. So if you want to know the real underneath lava of me here it is:
Not an hour goes by that I don't think about food and how what food I eat will make me feel and how what if I don't eat.. and look at you you are disgusting and fat and you have all this extra fat in all these extra places and that's not what they want.. that is not attractive. but i eat anyway and sometimes more than I should. I feel like im so fat I waddle. so then sometimes I kind of binge and not so much.. not clinically diagnosable but enough to make me feel awful.
(wow that guy has really blonde hair).
So as much as I sorta like myself.. i mean I am disgusted by my outer shell.. although I admit my face can be charming sometimes.
Andddd I understand that "guys aren't looking for stick thin models" whatever that means. but let me tell you I see real girls walking around who have really nice figures and no extra fat on them. it exists and I have to in some sense compete with that. like some genetic mutations. now on the flip side of this all I am educated enough to think this is all even more disgusting to know that I have fallen prey to this society trying to control women. thin women. I mean really thin are frail and thats the control. I'm being controlled by the media that tells me that britney spears looks fat. fuck she was soo abnormally toned before and if she is fat then I am certainly fat.. I understand everything about this. And thattt is why I would never restrict myself from eating because I know the consequences of those actions.. some of the big ones being death, osteoporosis, loss of muscle mass, .. I know and I dont want to be that thin and so I have this internal struggle in my head because I feel awful for being sooo fucking fat and hungry but refusee to do anything about it because I know i am being influenced by the media.. and it is making me sick and confused and I eat too much and that is another disorder.. so there you go.
I mean i understand that I have a high risk for developing an eating disorder with my history of anxiety, depression, self control, perfectionism.. warped sense of reality. soo this is scaring me..
I have to go help some crazy design teacher now.. I'll get back to the real indepth under a microscope,, things you wish you never ever ever knew about me
stuff

tell me..