::
2009 13 February :: 9.11pm
:: Music: Keane- Spiralling
I fashioned you from jewels and stone/ I made you in the image of myself/ I gave you everything you wanted/ So you would never know anything else
pretty sad that I have less than page of journal entries in a year.
1. went to rosie's, drank a little beer and a bottle of beer.
2. andy [marini]convinced me to go to the crazy horse with him to play some pool, that was preceded by another killian's and a coors light, then we went and chilled and watched people line dance, then we had another beer and a shot of jack
3. andy starts line dancing
4. jordan show's up to pick me up from the bar because i'm not trusting andy to drive me home, espically after he had the shot of absinth
5. jordan takes me to her mom's house, where i almost win at 3 games of cribbage
6. go back to jordans, cuddle up with her and fall asleep.
Rueben, I'm sitting up at a computer on the fourth floor of the library by the big windows because our phones don't work. Again.
Ahhh. I also forgot my literary theory book. See, I thought I was suppose to write a paper on this horrible forty page article about reader response theory and it turns out it's on the eleven page less scary one that I actually understood, except the only problem is that I didn't bring my book, so I can't do that paper. But, I did do my paper that is due on Friday for my Victorian Literature and Thought class, so I'm a little ahead, but still behind :(
It's super nice out today and I feel like I want to be outside but I'm stuck in here in the library because that's where Rueben knows I will be because our phones don't work because SOMEBODY didn't pay the bill. I guess we probably should have checked that out after what happened last time. Oh well. I think I'll go through and plan my future now. I'm not doing French anymore. Well, I am. I'm in French 102 this semester, but I'm NOT fulfilling my BA requirement and taking a whole nother year of it and killing myself. No siree. So, that means that I'm switching to a Bachelor of Science which won't be quite so bad and I really only have english class, political science classes and three science classes to take for it. Yippee.
AHH. I'm sick, too. bah. I'm feeling better since I wrote my paper and I know that it's fanfuckingtastic. I feel a little crazy right now. AHH. Woohudotcom. bah. Fifty more minutes until Rueben is done with his lab. Then I can go to the store, get my pills, buy some cookies, go home, write my other paper, maybe, go to uband, go to the concert, go home, go to bed, go to class, go to work, go home, go to bed......
We all went out for Sara's birthday last night.
I drank..
Possibly way more than I should have, considering today I have to attend my grandma's 80th birthday party.
I don't do this whole hungover thing very well.
It's definitely not my gig.
And after the birthday party, Mike is having people over for the superbowl.
Somewhere in there I plan on falling into a deep sleep like coma and not waking up until tomorrow when I have to go to work.
And all I want right now is a back massage and something water that doesn't taste like crap.
If you want to take care of me, I would not object at this moment. haha
Thank you for the awesome birthday week. It was great to have dinner with my parents at a delicious Indian restaurant and I'm glad you let me drag Nick along while he suffered through the terminal stages of Extended Man Cold™.
I am blessed to have awesome friends that wished me a happy birthday all week long. Although work has become super lame since you decided my favorite kid needed to get fired and you brought my arch-nemesis back from Spain, it was great to have to work on my birthday and celebrate with the people I have been stuck with for the past four years. You made me look forward to graduation and leaving this town so much more!
I've got to say though, the coolest part of this birthday week has to be all the plans you decided weren't awesome enough to actually work! Instead of going ice skating with my boyfriend, you gave him a cold and death cough for a week and a half more -- just long enough for him to be whiny, unbearable and asleep by eight o'clock every night of my birthday week. It was also really nice of you to give my roommate a great car, tempt us with a Sonic located closer to us and then decide that her car needed a new alternator the day before the planned trip, trapping us at my school for an hour and a half longer than we really wanted to be there. That was great.
I have one thing to thank you for though. For my birthday weekend, I will pay rent, pay all overdue bills (most likely on my own) and get a haircut then be unable to eat or do anything for the rest of the week. Thank you so much! This is even better than the time you tempted me with seeing the friends I hadn't seen since May and then decided that all six backup plans wouldn't work. And I thought that was awesome. Oh man, I didn't even know you were going to get me a birthday present!
I guess I wanted to just say thanks. Now I know that I really should never plan anything ever again.
However, if you want to come to my graduation, I was just planning on becoming poor and homeless afterward. I don't need a new car, we only need one door to be able to open really and who doesn't love scraping off the outside and inside of the car? I also was just planning on staying in Michigan and never getting a job with my bachelor's degree. Maybe I should plan on drowning in all my debt? Alone? Because I'm planning on never being engaged or married and I never truly wanted kids.
So it has been kind of a rough week for some, pretty normal for others, and for the rest of us certain events really had no effect.
Mike's cousin killed himself on monday.
No one is really quite sure why, but there have been accusations made.
He left a couple of notes, but things are still pretty up in the air.
Today was the funeral. Not really much crying, but then again most of the family had earlier in the week to cope with the death and slowly piece themselves together for the funeral.
the good news is that I don't have to fix the heater in the truck anymore.
the bad news is i rear ended a jeep liberty in the truck and now the truck is no more.
I was 5-6 car length's behind the liberty, there was a black Taurus in front of her that stopped abrubtly with no signal to turn into "the garage" on northland drive, i glanced over right before the liberty slammed on her brakes, jordan screamed i looked up and slammed on the brakes and before i knew it we we're slammed into the liberty. and that's how the dakota ended its life.
I excaped without a scratch, jordan has scratches and bruises on her knees, I'm just glad we're both okay, i don't know what i'd have done if she had been seriously hurt.
My hope to live out my hopes
For the past few days, I have been lounging on my couch watching TV episodes one after another. In the back of my mind has been this nagging thought to get to work on my hopes and dreams. But doubts that I will ever be a success keep my mind stuck to the screen, and words that are supposed to flow from a writer's brain stay drudged in the mud that's inside of my head. Call it sickness, call it lack of opportunity, whatever.
The truth is that I've been making the same lame excuse to keep my thoughts frozen, rather than melting them down to let them flow out through my fingers onto the page through the hard process of critical thinking, analysis, and decision making.
The truth is that my pastor was right when he said: "The biggest cause of failure is the fear of failure." I know I can succeed. But I've been stubborn in my doubts of success.
Perhaps its because I cannot yet see how my success will take its shape. Will I be a traveling journalist, a freelancer, work for a magazine, my own magazine. Has what I've thought of already been done, and if so why should I step into the game?
But the truth I need to cling to is this. Like a woman collecting pennies in a jar to fund her church's Sunday school, small beginnings lead to great ends if you're willing to let them grow. If she hadn't started to place pennies in that jar, her coworkers never would have asked her if they could also donate; the kids at Sunday school would not have been bonded to the older generation when they proposed to sing a song in grateful thanks; the joy of knowing that we can improve lives and build relationships would not have been found.
But that woman collected pennies. What are my pennies?
Snippets of knowledge
A large space for compassion and understanding
The ability to analyze
The ability to write
Stories of people who inspire
A vision to mobilize people to action through stories of hope.
I have the tools necessary. It can be done. Will I start to collect the pennies?
My birthday week began today (Wednesday) and will continue through the end of the month because it's my birthday week and I say so.
I don't know if everything will go as planned but here's the outline (which will completely change now that I've said it):
Wednesday - THE BIRTHDAY
Dinner with my parents and Nick at some restaurant that I haven't chosen yet. I'm wavering between two Indian restaurants and Chinese food.
Sometime later that week
Ice skating at Patterson ice center/rink down the street. This is the ice skating rink I met Nick at. I got ice skates for Christmas and I've wanted to go back to there for a while now.
At some point Nick's family wants to get together at Jess' house but I haven't heard anything about that in a while.
Friday, Saturday or Sunday
Mini road trip to the new Sonic in Kalamazoo!
Monday or Tuesday the week after next
Logan's with roomies.
I am pumped.
P.S. Nick mentioned that when Obama leaves office we will both be 30. I mentioned that we will also be married and have one or more child. We both commenced freakouts.
Right now is one of those moments where a nap didnt cure my bad mood..
So here's to hoping that a bowl of chocolate ice cream covered in chocolate syrup will..
