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2004 20 December :: 11.28 pm
how about that.
huh.
overwhelming... absolutely.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 19 December :: 10.58 pm
yesterday was amazing. i want to volunteer at toys for tots every year. there were a few people i came across, that i didnt want to leave. to see what this organization does for those families, and how greatful they are, it really touches you. i was talking to this one lady, and she told me that she always used to donate toys, and then she lost her job this year, and how ironic it is that you never know what could happen. how now she's depending on other people's kindness. its incredible. i wont go into it, but i would advise all of you to think about volunteering next year.
after i came home and cleaned up a little, keegan picked me up and we went to gorters for awhile. interesting kid, he is. it was fun though. gorters a good guy... he is. just not in public restaraunts.... resterants... forget it. "public eating places". gahh.
just so you know. everything you ever told me im going to take as a lie. i regret every moment we spent together. i regret letting myself be fooled by you. you were never honest. you were never who i thought you were. morals dont change, something that was so important once, doesnt lose importance. we were based on a lie, which to me is non-existance. i was truely happy for you, i thought you had finally found someone to settle you down, to help you straighten out your life. what an idiot i was to think that you could be level headed. what an idiot i was to ever believe every lie you told me. i hope you get her pregnant.
on a lighter note...
honey, i love you. lets rent johnny movies and eat high calorie foods that we'll regret eating later. and laugh and giggle relentlessly and tell your sister to shut the light off because theres a glare on our lovers face. lets reminse on the times that we werent cutting into eachother and figure out why things have changed. lets bake something yummy and refuse to share it with anyone.. like our ice cream. lets talk about the play, cuz we havent even done that. lets just be best friends again.
im going shopping in the morning. i gotta finish keegan, brandi, shelby... random people. after christmas im gonna get becky and all my friends stuff, moneys kinda "not there" right now. my checks gonna suck tomorrow.
tonight was so much fun. i went to keegans house after i got out of work. which was so awesome, cuz he doesnt even care seeing me in my work clothes, and i dont either. i changed when i got there.. then we *get this* wrapped christmas presents for our moms, he made me hot cocoa, and then watched desperate housewives. such simple things, and we have so much fun together. everything we do is soo perfect. i was all layed back tonight, changed into pj's.... and i feel like i bonded with his sister a little bit more, which is awesome, cuz she's such a sweet girl! and his mom... *smiles* im just so happy! ahhhh.... im going there for christmas. and im making shrimp dip.. and his mom asked me if i was comming over.. and ahh, i just had to spout all that quick. im glowing right now, i love that feeling.
christmas is almost here. where did it come from? totally snuck up on me this year. im excited, but its not the same. we dont even have our stockings, they're in storage. this is the first year without our own tree, our own ornaments, christmas music. i dont even think we're gonna make cookies. which really makes me sad. we've never not made cookies. we've never not had a family christmas. im not saying that we're not. but its different, and i dont like it. its not cozy. i want to beable to cuddle up on a couch beneath my little mermaid blanket and watch old christmas cartoons while my little sister tears through our living room after my cat trying to make him play dress up. i want to hear our furnace kick on, i want to sit in the middle of my room and just look around, knowing that it is just my room. i want him to feel awful for what he's done in the past, and grow up and accept everythings he's missed. i want that whole situation to make sence. i want to look into his eyes and see my own looking back at me... i want that to scare me. i want that to make me wanna cry. i want something out of this, i just want him. and then i dont. and then i confuse myself and stop thinking. i want to beable to think about it though. what will i say to him? how can you put into words all these feelings. so many times have i expressed this in poetry, or in journals, or to friends. so many times have i cried over this, and now its in my hands. maybe this is god telling me that he's always had something in store for me, and i just needed to be patient. he brought someone back into my life, he's taken some away. and look at me, im striving on. im making it... it hurts, and its hard, but im doing it.
i was gonna clean my room... brandis room, our room, that room im staying in.... that one. stupid procrastination.
stupid spelling...
4 ..chose the best times |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 15 December :: 5.23 pm
i wish i knew what to feel!
this is all a little bit to overwhelming.... never in my life did i ever expect for this day to come. and its here.... how weird is that. it isnt sinking in, it isnt real.
and i dont think that im feeling how i should be, or maybe to much of how i should be... but how am i supposed to feel. i dought there's any guidelines.
this is crazy.
thank you so much for being there for me through all this, in everything you do, i cant express how much this means to me. you really are a miracle.. i hope you know that.
1 ..chose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 14 December :: 9.39 pm
interesting.. to say the least.
im not sure how i feel about all this.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 12 December :: 5.18 pm
today was a lazy day. a wonderful, lazy day.
shelbys christmas program was this morning, she was a little angel... kind of a stretch, nooooooo. she is.
i came home from church, put lounge (ish) clothes on.... napped for 2 hours, which i NEVER do. did some homework, and now im here.
so chris informed my mom tonight that he's leaving for florida wednesday morning and wont be back until the hearing in feburary. im uneasy... i dont know why yet. something isnt right. why would he just up and leave shelby? and before christmas? its almost a miracle, because until FEBURARY we wont have to deal with him... but thats the part that worries me. he wouldnt just make it that easy for us. its his soul purpose to destroy every aspect of our lives... why would he just leave. i dont know....
found something interesting yesterday... whether or not i pursue it is still in question. a part of me is nervous, a part of me thinks its only right that i do. once again.. i dont know.
i started to think about him today. and what i would say to him if i was to ever see him. i've come to the conclusion that i'd just cry and scream. what good does that do. sometimes i wonder... well i guess it doesnt matter what.... by i do, and it bothers me, and it frustrates me, i hate feeling out of control. i hate waiting for something to happen, when in truth.. it never will. i guess accepting that is the next step.
i dont like that they're breaking up. in my eyes, they're perfect for eachother. grrrrr. i cant even get ahold of her to find out whats going on.
a positive i've gained in the past two weeks.... im finally happy for him. i can finally put my worries aside, and accept everything and move on. not that i hadnt.. but im so much more at ease. i know nothing of this girl, which may be a good thing, that i know nothing that is..... but he seems happy, finally. a sincear happy, i can see it. and that makes me.... well, happy for him. its a good feeling.
and i can finally say that im (trying to think of a different word than "happy"... but regardless you get the point). he's opened my eyes to things i've neglected to see. im more in tune with myself now then i ever was. never have i been more connected to someone than we are to eachother. its so comfortable, so ideal, so right. and yes, it happend fast, i can admit that. but with him time has always been irrelevant. when we're together, time has no bearing. for lack of properly expressing exactly what it is that puts this permanent smile on my face... im gonna stop here.
i've never mentioned the play yet have i. it was incredible. an experience that i'll cherish forever. it ended in the best way possible.. i'll be forever greatful to the cast and mostly to H for making one of my *corny moment* dreams come true. i gained alot more than just an awesome experience though..... *smiles.
desperate housewives is on in like a half an hour... i've become sickly addicted. its sad.... its just one of those shows. i advise you to watch it.... mmm hmmm.
i pray that we'll have a snow day tomorrow. pleeeease let there be snow.
i've gotta learn to stop rambling.
4 ..chose the best times |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 11 December :: 8.30 pm
tonight was a good night. a really good night.
you make me wanna be that person i never though i could be.
you are that person.
1 ..chose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 10 December :: 3.21 am
im so tired all the time.
today should be a good day. we're making pies for a red flannel thing, the dance is tonight, i got work off.
and then tomorrow im gonna be with keegan, and then alyssa.
its nice having weekends where you can just.... stop. stop everything, and not think about anything.
have a good day loves...
2 ..chose the best times |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 7 December :: 5.27 pm
so i went to danielles house to study history... instead we tried on random articles of clothing and had a tea party with "i love ike" cheese cake and chi. chi for lack of proper spelling.. regardless it was good, and regardless i am destined to fail.
3 ..chose the best times |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 30 November :: 10.36 pm
:: Mood: touched
i like to squeeze brandis nose.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 30 November :: 10.03 pm
i just had like 80 pieces of pizza... WHY am i still hungry..
1 ..chose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 30 November :: 9.56 pm
frustration.... but bliss.
im not sure if bliss is used in context here... but thats what it is.
yearbook is stressing me out...... the PLAY is stressing me out. but im so sad its over. its OVER. WHAT is that.
*cries.
mom...... *shakes head. stop
and thats about it... i have ooooodles to update... but im not in the right mind set... hense the word ooooodles. in which im sure it doesnt have that many o's. *ponders.
yes...
1 ..chose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 29 November :: 11.05 pm
do you like fighting with me? do you get something out of it.
just leave me alone... i hate you sometimes.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 23 November :: 9.54 pm
should i redo my journal..... (?)
work was long tonight. reallly long.
im frustrated. and i would generally just leave it at "im frustrated", except that im so frustrated, i cant help but express it a little more profoundly. and im not exactly sure what profoundly means, and im not exactly sure if i could say frustrated a few more times. but yes..... thats my story.
i like art. all art. poetry, photography, paintings, everything. i think if its done with soul and it has meaning behind it then its art. and i think thats insanly beautiful.
theres no point to this entry.
i started it with a point in mind, but it slowly deteriorated and turned into nothing. so i'll just conclude my ramblings now......
2 ..chose the best times |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 23 November :: 10.53 am
i just ate way to much in journalism.
mashed potatoes are my kryptonite.
2 ..chose the best times |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 22 November :: 9.51 pm
i dont understand how she can be so firm and carry me through my weakest hours, and yet she's so irrational that at times i wonder who the adult is.
grow up. seriously.
im so close to moving out.. i hate it here, i hate how i feel right now, i hate having a constant reminder of HER mistakes.
regardless of how she is.. this was another perfect night.
you inspire me.
3 ..chose the best times |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 22 November :: 10.18 am
there arent many words to describe this weekend, or how breathless i feel when we're together.
5 ..chose the best times |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 19 November :: 10.38 am
screaming, im confined to your kiss.
im hooked on the taste of your touch.
kiss me again, not holding back.
listen to me love you.
1 ..chose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 19 November :: 10.30 am
i should be doing some sort of homework right now. why have i lost all intentions of caring? grades are important to me.... well, at least they used to be.
now i sit at home, listen to music, and fight with my mom.
and work.
and the play.
and then i try to squeeze god into all that.
its pretty pathetic when my number one priority has fallen to the bottom of my list.
i dont know anymore. im ready for this divorce to be over, then i can piece together the shattered mess my life's turned into.
i dont understand how you know me well enough to attack my flaws and throw it back into my face any chance you get. do you like seeing me hurt? do you care at all... do you want me to fall apart completely. i dont feel like i know you anymore.. and its sad, because i couldnt go on with out you. whats going on... what is this. gaaawwwwd.
in second hour i was just randomly writing... a got a few good things out of it.
just waisted all hour doing nothing. i've been reading all my past entrys... a way to track progress right? i havent made any.
greeaaat. eric claptons "you look wonderfull tonight" is on the radio.. and i have this sudden urge to cry.
ok.. so i'll just randomly post the lyrics cuz im a loser and have nothing to do.... they're so pretty. i want this.
It’s late in the evening
She’s wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make up
And brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright
And I say yes, you look wonderful tonight
We go a party
And everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady
That’s walking around with me
And then she asks me
Do you feel alright
And I say yes, I feel wonderful tonight
I feel wonderful
Because I see the love light in your eyes
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don’t realize
How much I love you
It’s time to go home now
And I’ve got an aching head
So I give her the car keys
She helps me to bed
And then I tell her
As I turn out the light
I say my darling, you were wonderful tonight
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight
*sighs. stop it erika.
1 ..chose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 18 November :: 6.08 am
you kissed me with such emotion that i could feel the intermost depths of two minds connecting on far more then a personal level.
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2004 15 November :: 7.38 am
i've never connected with anyone the way i connected with you last night.....
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 13 November :: 9.37 pm
this has been the best weekend.
seriously....
last night me and alyssa went to gorters house, then back to her house and just talked and ate pop corn and listened to the used cd multiple times....
today me and alyssa went to look at some apartments that she's getting and we met tom and blake there, went back to the other alyssas house, went to river town, and then back to gorters. those guys are so much fun.... i can now play pool.
well... kind of.
i hate stereotypes.. who cares what people appear to be like, or what you wanna think they are... just get to know people. gaaawwwwd. what sence is it to just critisize. i've made like a zillion new friends this weekend.. and it really kicks ass.
hope ya'lls weekend has been goin good too.
*hugs
erika
1 ..chose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 9 November :: 8.01 pm
none of my friends would go shopping with me. its a sad thing to go by yourself.. its like... "hey.. look at that..oh" very sad.
i got a cute new coat. woo.. thats what my life is valued on. cute coats and working.
im not sure why i said that...
i think im going crazy.. i keep hearing my cell phone ring, except that its not.
i should take a shower.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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