:: 2004 8 March :: 4.50 pm

this basically sums up my christianity....
this song is beautiful, all of you should listen to it.

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me

And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you

This is air I breath
This is air I breathe
Your holy presence
Living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word
Spoken to me

And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you (eh hey, yeah)
And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you

And I ... I'm desparate for you
And I ... I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you (father)
I'm lost..without you

This is the air I breathe




tomorrow im gonna try and rewrite the message we learned in sunday school.. it was really cool and really powerful. as of today...... as far as im concerned. fuck it. im gonna home and take a bubble bath and call it good.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 8 March :: 1.57 pm

reccolection of a complete disaster
you can always count on your friends to make you feel worse than you could ever imagine. im not even going to go into it......


so ive realized that my mom is right. i hate when i realize that shes right, because that means that i was wrong when i so desperately didnt want to see what was right in front me. i have 2 friends tops. Brandi of course being one of them. the other i just met, and maybe i have a few other friends, because im getting closer to the people in my youth group. but everything that i thought i had, i dont. and thats sad. im going to just cut myself off from people for awhile. i was just starting to trust you..... you always prove me wrong.

i've been so depressed lately. i had a good weekend though *waves to ryan**waves to becky* yep..... i love making new friends.

i think ive come to one of those milestones in my life, where everything makes sence, and i've begun to just not care about highschool. take today for instance, i could be really mad because my 2 best friends just jackknifed me, but instead im happy, because i got accepted to tv productions, and its the little things that brighten my day. fuck everything else, one thing went how i wanted it to.... and that makes today worth it.

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 5 March :: 12.07 pm

cant believe it.......

words could not express, not even a little.





other topic....

i swear we had a moment today, if he didnt i did. and damn myself, i dont want to feel that way towards him. i've already done that before... but its never completely gone away, and i think he feels it too. damn. i guess i'll just go one being my lonely self, and forget anything ever happend, or anything was ever felt, thats the best thing to do.. just drop it when it gets started.




i think brandi and aunt susie are comming over tonight to watch movies and get pizza or something, i dont know. im oblivious to it all until it happends, kinda how i am with everything lately. obviously...... *cringes just remembering.

if anyone wants to do something this weekend, let me know.... im sick of being bored all the time.


i hate dwelling on anger, but theres just so much of it. thats why i just walk away sometimes, i need to vent. and for some reason people dont get that. trust me, you would rather have me walk away to cool off then tell you all what i really think in the heat of the moment, because when you catch me at times like that i wont hold anything back. (just a forewarning)

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 3 March :: 5.21 pm

i had to go to a conference today at GVSU. Im so excited about so many things now. we got so many awesome ideas for senate, and we've discovered what our next fundraiser will be, you guys will like it. guaranteed. AND to make things even better...... we got ham. mwah ha ha ha.

im at the school right now for practice, just taking a break to cool off. seriously.... im in a pissy mood. i have no reason to be pissy, but i am. becky and i are singing songs from the little mermaid...... rock on becky and erika.

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 1 March :: 1.45 pm

practice after school.
algebra homework.
boot camp.

busy day.......... *tear, i wanna sleep.





so i was sitting in *class* today, and two people behind me were talking about the passion and laughing about the pain he went through, recalling parts of the movie like they were scenes from american pie, *directed towards one person* you talk like you know whats going on around you, and yet all i hear is you telling everyone what you think they wanna hear. have your own opinion for once. and dont ever laugh about the crucifiction in front of me, even if you dont mean it in a bad way. it wasnt meant for your enjoyment. and it wasnt meant to be ridiculed.




just had to get that off my chest.

i decided to scrub it today.... sometimes thats just nice to do. actually its more like, i didnt feel like running down stairs to get my clothes out of the dryer. actually its more like lazyness.

toffee coffee..... heaven in a styrophone cup.

4 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 28 February :: 9.58 pm

i fell in love with a bag tonight. where you ask? Walmart. some may call it mini mexico... but i call it... *thinks real hard*, well ok.. its still mini mexico, but i need that bag. it has pictures of london all over it. and the crazy little men in tall fury hats. i wonder if they'd move if you ran up and started humping their leg, or if they'd even look at you and say "hey you, stop humping my leg." i dont know.. food for thought. and one more thing... can you really feed your thoughts? alright, im stupid, point proven... next statement.

i made the coolest shirt ever today, i took my clingan painting shirt, crossed out clingan and now it says moron painting.

i've also come to realize that im strangely amused with chinease men smoking..... and becky and i are just SO sick of random men and their random habbits of randomness.

tomorrow i have this church dinner thing to help out at, im happy that im getting involved with my church. i've never really gotten involved with it before.... now i cant imagine not. im determined to fix my faults, no doubt i'll make more in the process, but thats the beauty of christianity..... you'll always be forgiven, and that'll never change. if any of you ever want to talk about religion or anything, im no expert, but i'd love to talk about with someone who cares. its really touched my life, and i want to help it touch yours.

earlier today at set build for the jungle book, becky and I painted rocks. so if you go and see the show, which im encouraging all of you to do.... those rocks, oh yeah... those are the results of our talent. actually, mr. H didnt trust us to anything else that required brain activity so we got stuck painting styrophone blocks. nevertheless.... we rock because of it.

i think we should all donate a dollar to erikas "buy the bag fund" yes, that sounds like an excellent idea. our goal... 13 dollars. wait.. i'll do one of those encouraging incentive things.... if we reach our goal.... i'll ummmmm... well what i'll do is, give me an idea.. and i'll do that. so yes, everyone must take part in this......... mmm hm. im a loser.... a loser with a dream. a loser with a dream to buy a bag. a loser with a dream to buy a bag to.......... ok thats enough with that.

becky takes the longest showers ever... wait, why am i not in there? *runs away*

5 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 27 February :: 1.47 pm

i saw the passion yesterday with my youth group. i still cant stop thinking about it. I know people have been saying this, but seriously, i'll be changed forever because of this movie. i heard that it was graphic and true to what actually happend, but i didnt think it'd be like that. we think about the crusifiction and we think of the horrible things Christ went through for our sins, but what we dont realize is how extreme and gruesome it really was. Seeing it happen is an experience that i dont think you could ever forget. it starts in the garden of gesemity and ends when he rises from the tomb. I think the time period was pefect.... it had flash backs to the major events leading up to it like the last dinner... so nothing was left out. I couldnt watch alot of it because it was all so violent. Its only because he's christ, its hard to watch him being beaten for so long. You seriously cant even imagine it until after you see it. It really opened my eyes and made me reflect on what kind of christian i really am, and i've realized that i have so many things that i need to change. He died in the most horrific way for my sins, and yet i cant refrain from swearing? I cant love my enemys? When he was on the cross he said "Forgive them father, for they know not what they are doing." After they put him through the most excruciating pain, he asks for their forgiveness. The whole thing is just amazing. I'd like to say that i'd be brave enough to die so that the rest of the world could live..... but i wouldnt be able to go through that, and none of you would either... and if you say that you would, i think you're a coward for not telling the truth. I had already known the whole story, its not like there were any suprises, but wow..... it just blows my mind how much somebody can love us. Sometimes i hate myself, ok... alot of the time i hate myself and my life and i wonder why God is ignoring me. But he's not.... things happen for a reason, i know thats one of the biggest cliches.... but its the things you go through that will test your faith and your character. I've let him down so many times.... and i hate that. I deffinately reccomend you go and see it, just prepare yourself... because you WILL cry. I cried so hard. it was cool to see everyone come out of the theater, i didnt see one person who wasnt crying, and i think thats an amazing thing that it touched everyone so much. The controversy is insane. Its not anti jew, its retelling history. we're not going to change the bible because they dont want to accept the truth. So we can have movies about the holocaust and THATS alright because then the jews are the victims? But when they're not, then its anti jew? And completely disregarding the jews, non christians in general... they think that we shouldnt be able to talk about our religion and they're trying to take everything christian out of society, well i'll bet you anything they wont try and take christmas breaks away. Christmas is a christian holiday, but because it bennefits them its ok when nothing else is? Our country was built on christianity, and now they're stripping us of that even. What kind of world are we living in when they say its freedom of speech and religion but we're punished by the media when we practice them? I hate the united states, i think our values here are in reverse order. I cant wait to move out of this hell hole to a quiet country that's not centered around sex. Thats all america cares about. turn on the tv.... 5 shows out of 6 will have some sort of refrence to it. Sex sells... im sure everyone knows that by now. Britney spears, christina, rap music.... everything is becoming about sex. even disney movies have refrences to it. Thats disgusting....... it just makes me sick.

6 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 25 February :: 12.04 pm

the passion comes out today...... i cant wait to see it.




hate is a viscous circle.

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 23 February :: 12.03 pm

my mom is always on the phone when i try to call her. doesnt she know that shes just not supposed to be busy when i need her, i take all priority.

The Passion comes out this week, i suggest you all go see it.

some people i seriously think are sent from god. when you need help the most and you never get it you start to question your faith, and then somehow god provides when you least expect it... like when you're on the way home from church.......... religion is a beautiful thing, i'd be lost with out it.

becky and i are gonna get tatoos. Where you ask.... on the bottom of our feet. oh yes, thats it, right where nobody can see it. we have our reasons, we have them alright.

theres just one thing that bugs me, ok well theres a million, but this one thing just really "urks" me. what a stupid word. "urk" damn the person who thought up that word.

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 19 February :: 2.06 pm

by the way kevin, i want ur best friend jon glerum!!!hahahahahhahahahhahahaha. truth hurts!

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 19 February :: 2.06 pm

heh... i just had to post this.....

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 19 February :: 12.06 pm

i forgot that nothing is private anymore. that everything i go through somehow has to do with everyone else. im sure its the same with all of you people. dont you ever get sick of people analizing your life.

pathetic people amaze me, they just amaze me.

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 17 February :: 11.55 am

i just love people who over exagerate. fuckers.




i fell in love yesterday, yes... that quickly. stacy and i were in forever 21 and there was this guy.... *remembers* who worked there *remembers his hottness* and ya know, i cant even put it into words. except "mini", stacy can vouch for me on that one. i cant even go on, im still just blown away by his hottness. what a fun word to overuse... hotness. lets say it again shall we. hottness. hmmmm, im going to to just annoy the hell out of you now.

*rethinks plan of annoyance* nevermind.

i've got practice tonight and i desperately dont want to go.

march 12th... im counting down the days.... not literally, but secret window comes out then, we all must galavant off together to see it. yes i said galavant.

eat the peppers.

7 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 15 February :: 8.01 pm

lets recap yesterday shall we...
so yesterday.. all in all, good day.

what did i do on valentines day? Brandi and i cut chickens in half, and then cleaned out their insides. *licks lips....... yummmm.*

really though, we helped out at my church's valentines banquet, which included cleaning out the insides of mini chickens. i think the 7 of us did about 100 chickens in about an hour and a half....... revolting, yet strangly intriguing. we were there from 1 till 9:30, long day. fun but long.

i think brandis coming on the missions trip now, kick ass.........

i do believe i have a sickness with holding my finger down on the period button...........

stacy says she wants you to all know that shes a raging homosexual.

14 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 14 February :: 11.15 am

some people suprise me..... i guess i misjudged a few people. and it makes things so much easier.......

brandi and i made heart cookies last night...... for our moms. tear*

Beckys still gone, damn you being in florida...... COME HOME!!!!!

6 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 13 February :: 8.41 pm

valentines day sucks.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 11 February :: 11.49 am
:: Mood: fuck you

so i've decided that im a clingan natzie... and im to lazy to look up the spelling of that word.. so fuck you.

i've never had so much hate for anyone before. if he ever threatens my family again..... which will most likely be in a matter of days because he thinks he has this strange hold over us still.... he'll be the one that will "be sorry". thats what he says to my mom all the time. "you'll be sorry" so of course stupid me.. i speak out against him. all he does is hurt me and make me feel like a horrible christian becase i just want to kill him.. and im the one who did something wrong. i spoke out against the all mightyfull clingans and look what i did. now they all hate me, thats great, fucking great. i'd like to say i didnt care, but they were my family for 7 years, and because they're all psychotic and stick up for chris i've caused them all to hate me. they're insane, yes i know that.... but i thought that i was part of the family. thats what they always told me.. but i was never good enough. or maybe i was too good. they're all losers, worthless WORTHLESS people they are. between chris, his sister, and his brother they have 5 divorces, 2 alcohaulics, 3 chain smokers, an embezzeler, a convict, a potential rapist, and more enemys then i could ever explain... but in their eyes they're perfect. nobody messes with them, nobody even compares to them. *in their eyes* i think they should all just die. they're all going to hell anyways...... i left that on chris's answering machiene...... but compared to everything hes done to me.. its minor...... nothing. i've never felt so hopeless in my life. i feel like a nothing, we're in so much debt because of a lawyer that doesnt do anything, we have literally no money, things keep breaking in our house... and chris has our huge house. he has our house, our pool, our yard, our neibors, hes still insured by my mom, he hasnt payed childsupport for shelby EVER and its been 4 months. i just dont know what to do anymore. i cant vent because if i do.. like i attemped to do to his sister..... it comes back and bites me in the ass. now im just "cast" out of the family. its like... thanks for lying to me ALL these years. now i know what im worth. nothing.

and if that wasnt enough....... god, if that wasnt enough. its never going to end is it? the fighting and shit..... its just going to keep going on until we do something we both really regret. i told you it'd be hard for me to see you with other people.. i told you that, and so that gives you the right to be mad at me when im in a bad mood, or if i dont talk to you. like my life isnt bad enough, this is just what i need, that fucking slut pointing me out to her friends. Ok world..... IM THE EX GIRLFRIEND....... look at me.... would it help if i just stapled a fucking sign to my forehead? im the invincable bitch that broke up with kevin..... point at me please, i find it amusing. talk to them about me however you want, but dont bring me into it. and no.... im not mad at you... just saving brandi from having to answer that question later.




id love to leave hear, and just get away from it all. i'd miss nothing except a few people and my mom. but lately it seems like nothings worth it anymore. nothings worth trying for. nothing matters anymore......... high school is a complete joke. lets make drama all that we can, lets make peoples lives miserable, because thats what matters. or is it something else? like what we wear.... that matters. people are so shallow, it makes me sick. label me whatever you want to label me......... just leave me alone.

7 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 10 February :: 11.57 am

i love brandi....... you're always gonna be my best friend ok? And you're such an awesome person, dont ever forget how much i love you!! agreed? agreed.

some people really suck.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 8 February :: 7.29 pm

That was the best dance I've ever been to.

7 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 7 February :: 8.55 am

everyones sleeping....... lol, im afraid to make to much noise, stupid key board.

well in about an hour we're going to the school to decorate, im excited about swirl... all my friends are going.... cept for jess..... *tear.* Becky, Jamie, Lyndsey, taryn and i are all at jessies house. its nice to just be with people you do, and dont know that well. havent really talked to them all that much before, but they're all really "tyte"... ghetto language..... how homosexual.

im actually content in the place i am right now, its nice to be just "ok" not great, but ok.

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 5 February :: 4.07 pm

kick ass
im at school..... woohu is working... AT school. woot woot.

just thought i'd let ya know.

so yeah, i found his road yesterday.....

You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 1 February :: 10.32 am

at beckys
"pickles, sauce all over my body"

meh he

becky and i bought 54 fish yesterday..... so much fun, so much. they're for swirl, so now.. if you were considering going.. you just have to now.. cuz really, KICK ASS! te he

brandi came over to beckys last night.... we danced provacatively for her..... it was interesting. he he. we love her. * I LOVE YOU BRANDI!!!* "you are soooo beautiful... too oo meeeeeeeeeee. Cant you seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, you're everything i've HOPED for, you're EVEEEERRRYTHIING i neeeed... you are soooo beutifull too oo me." cough, got that out of my system.

we rented once upon a time in mexico. i love johnny. im going to have his children some day.. but all love aside, that was quite the interesting movie. loved it, but interesting...... GIVE HIM HIS EYES BACK ASS!

ok.........

go to swirl... its great, no one has dates, no one cares! so its really not a big deal if you dont have one, you're WHOLE world isnt caving in. mehh.... go.

5 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 24 January :: 8.19 am
:: Music: this brilliant dance- dashboard

2 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 18 January :: 3.34 pm
:: Music: pirates of the caribbean

7 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 15 January :: 11.59 am

i got a part..... *smiles

im a cub, cute little wolf cub... kinda odd how i always end up with child parts.. go figure, my last name is childs. te he.... it couldnt be my voice. mm mm. im so excited about it though, THIS means becky and i can start a fan club after school!!! Rock on...... we'll call it, "Johnny" oh yeah, perfect. lol.

so guess who has a new girlfriend..... im going to fucking kill him, AND her. ya know... he's going to rot in hell someday..... i'll send him there my fucking self. OUR house, he cant comprehend that.... ass.

5 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 10 January :: 12.14 pm
:: Music: top 40- tsunami bomb

3 ..chose the best times | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 9 January :: 10.50 pm

wanting him....

You're a rabid Jack Sparrow fan. You love his khol,
drunken manner, and all around sexiness, but
you take it a little *too* far


Are you a rabid Pirates of the Caribbean fangirl?
brought to you by Quizilla




no way........ *becky, this could NEVER be true!

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..

:: 2004 9 January :: 9.12 pm

meh
i tried out for the jungle book today, im semi confident... probably a bad thing to be seems how most likely it will be smashed to the ground like somebodys guitar, but ah well......

i almost think it would be worth going to prison for killing chris. its never going to end is it. our life will continue to consist of hell for the rest of our lives. because of him, my mom is so far in debt that i have no idea how shes going to get out. if i had a job i'd give her my checks, but nobody will fuckin hire anyone 15. we cant even afford to pay our bills. how are we going to do it... i dont know how we can. chris has a vicious lawyer who gets exactly what he asks for. i could go on and on telling you all of the awful things hes done to us... but theres just so many its overwhelming. sometimes i feel like god would just take me now......... it would solve my problems. but thats selfish becaus it would create problems for other people. im just sick of living like this. none of you know what goes through my mind on a daily basis. im so lost, and confused... i want my mom to be happy. thats all thats important to me. i cleaned the house and our basement... (BIG acomplishment) so that she at least knows i appreciate her, but it does no good...... in fact, im so pathetic that i just emailed a talk show telling them everything hoping that maybe they'll send us money out of pity. i feel like such trash even though i know im not...... i hate myself so much sometimes, but at the same time im proud to be who i am. i've overcome alot, its what lies ahead that bothers me. please pray for me......

as if thats not enough, "That bitch will be lucky if i ever talk to her again." Fuck you, go to hell. some people have a lot of nerve. *ok, FYI dumbass..... after stating a quote like that to my best friend, calling me a couple hours later and then emailing me the next day doesnt quite back up your "tough ass" attitude. you'll never talk to me again, then you call and email me begging me to forgive you. you're selfish and you dont care about what im going though even if you say you do. i dont understand what goes through your mind..... i dont think anyone ever will. you think you have it SO bad because your family is a little screwed up. you have no idea what real problems are like... dont pretend you do. and dont pretend to care when you dont. you make me sick*

that about sums up my day..........

1 ..chose the best time | You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines..