godessalthena
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2012 27 July :: 7.36pm
today started decently enough.. and it had so much promise.
now if i wasn't such a FUCKING CUNT and i wasn't so FUCKING STUPID maybe today wouldn't have turned out to be such a shitstorm.
and now i'm having tho stupid seizures, my hip hurts like a motherfucker, i've cancelled all my plans and i don't have enough alcohol to erase today from my memory.
honestly i know why all this happened. and i know it's all just chemicals being fucktarded in my brain. but it doesn't make everything easier to deal with.
its easy to feel sorry for myself.
and "it's not my fault" all this.
but if my brain was fuctioning normally we all wouldn't be here in this shitty mood, crying.
i wish i could just disappear.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 26 July :: 4.53pm
Well, it's official. My life is complete! I have an amazing epic jewfro.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 24 July :: 4.40am
Things I love:
Bjorne
High-proof liquor
Metalocalypse
Now to get messed up and enjoy the cold side of the bed.
1 Idea |
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 22 July :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: optimistic
Pretty epic weekend is in the mix..
Wednesday hanging out with Peter, being silly partying like rockstars haha
Thursday hanging out with my baby sister, getting a dresser and picking up my bike, the going to PJ's to meet up with a friend and get some free drinks.. Maybe Samie will even come! I'm pretty stoked.
Friday is payday! Getting breakfast, going shopping and getting pedicures with Samie, then date night with Sus!
Hopefully plans all turn out. :) yay!
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 22 July :: 12.58am
Today has been one of the worst days in recent memory. From before I went to bed up until this very moment.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 21 July :: 8.48pm
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday
Sometimes it just feels better to give in...
I'm just asking you to hear me
Could you please just once just hear me?
Still it's you I can't deny..
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 17 July :: 5.59pm
Home sick from work.. I'm tired and blecky. :/ it's too warm. Whine whine whine
Tomorrow having a biometric screening for work. Its free and I'll be able to find out all my stats. I'm excited and nervous.
I'm glad you reached out. Though, I have no idea where to go.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 14 July :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: crushed
And everything was going so well...
Over the past week or so I have been feeling so ridiculously depressed. Even with 60mg of Cymbalta I still have a hard time getting up in the morning, cooking, or even just being nice. I just want to crawl in a hole and cry until I'm dead. It's frustrating because I had been so happy and doing so well not letting things get under my skin. I have no idea what's happened.
I feel very alone and hopeless right now. And I know I have friends and family who would love to help me and be there for me.. But I don't know what to ask for since I have no idea what is wrong in the first place.. I just want to feel like everything really will work out fine..
The way I feel is very familiar. This is the same feeling I had constantly throughout my childhood and teenage years.. I have felt like the end is the only real peace I'll get and once again all I can think about is just calling it quits and giving up.
I'm just so tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of being a bitch and being used. I'm just so tired of everything.
Hopefully things turn around soon.. I need to see my psychiatrist again.
4 Ideas |
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 11 July :: 8.59pm
New hair!
1 Idea |
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 4 July :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: distressed
I dreamt my mom died last night. It was an unexpected death. And it hit me really hard. I was crying for the whole dream. I've never really been upset about death before, but that dream really made me try to wrap my head around it. I was completely devastated, and I was pretty disturbed for a good portion of my morning too.. It was horrible :(
Now I'm terrified she's going to die and I don't want that to happen :(
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 1 July :: 11.35am
I'm really disappointed.. And I just need to get over it.
I have a paper clip standing in as a nose stud.. It's starting to get itchy. I can't wait to go home and change it.
Is it later yet?
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 1 July :: 2.31am
:: Mood: demolished
:: Music: Army corps of architects
Alone.. In a dark stuffy room. My hair is wet, my face is dry.. I can tell my lips will peel.
I'm staring out into the room, vaguely seeing the shapes of curtains and a crib. Everything smells weird in here. I'm not the least bit tired, but I want so desparately to sleep.
I keep counting how many days.. Until I'll finally be free and happy. I feel so trapped and lost. I feel so confused, though the path is clear.
I'm just biding my time until growing up becomes second nature. It's a scary place, and I don't think there are too many people who really successfully make it.
I'm just so ready to dream. Anything is a nice break from all this stress. I put on an apethetic face, but inside I'm a tempest and I'm in constant turmoil and anger.
I just wish things could go blank for a little while. A quiet reprieve.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 24 June :: 4.51pm
I've caught the summer cleaning bug. I swept the deck, the kitchen, did all the dishes, going to organize all the drawers and put paper down.. Going to buy some cleaning supplies, take down all the wine jugs, sort thru the boxes in the bedroom, create a craft table to make marvelous things on.
Now to get the money to do it all haha! Going grocery shipping with Samie on Friday! That should be fun :) cleaning the rest of the time. Hopefully will have some friends over, maybe see my parents!
Samie and I have been REALLY slacking in the workout department, but onthe bright side, it's been a month, I've been eating nothing but crap, and I only went up 2 lbs.. Which is terrible, but not the end of the world!
I really enjoy this upbeat and positive attitude I've adopted lately. It's really refreshing and it just feels good. Also.. I finally got a pinterest and I'm pretty much addicted haha hello crockpot ideas!
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 21 June :: 11.29am
Went to PJ's last night with Samie, Icky, Drew and Sus. We met a girl named Erin who seemed pretty awesome. I got a lot of compliments on my dye job. Ran into a lot of high school people who I thought were always assholes. Got laughed at by several men, when really won't have bothered me if Sus didn't tell me "don't get hit on too much" every time I was left alone. Had a mini breakdown, which luckily was only minor oh caught and easily dismissed. Then we went to Shari's. I only had a little bit to drink, but Drew was completely dog-faced wasted. Samie was adorably drunk and it made me happy. Icky was kinda grumpy, but I blame his quitting of smoking haha so it's forgivable!
All in all I had a good time. I wish I had had a better time, but it just wasn't my night. Wednesday was so full of activities and PJ's was sooo packed I thought it was Friday haha
I want to find a bar where the music isn't deafening and it isn't a hole in the wall haha tho I did get complimented on my awesome nails haha
This weekend is so crammed full of things.. I'm so tired of driving haha I'm volunteering, helping Samie while her car is dead, having a going away party, trying to fit in time with my family, a new puppy and Sus. Three days just isn't enough!
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 12 June :: 1.52am
:: Mood: sleepy
sometimes i just get so caught up in the rat race.. i forget to do what is really important..
but honestly i have a hard time even determining what is important.. i used to find so much pleasure in art and nature, and now i just work, drink, watch television and occasionally see my friends and family.. i really love having close relationships to people, but i find myself getting so scared about the future of those relationships that i end up running away or avoiding interaction..
i find a lot of joy and pride in my hair.. it is a part of myself that i have always loved.. i think i did a really beautiful job on it this time, and it finally is starting to feel healthy again. and that just makes me feel so giddy inside. it is so stupid and silly, but it is something i have always found comfort in.
i have been getting more and more exhausted as days go by, and i am not really sure why.. i sleep enough, i do not overexert myself, i have not felt overly stressed out... i am starting to worry that i have developed diabetes 2 or something. i know how to fix it, it is just such a long road and i always feel like i am facing it all alone.. and it is so daunting.
i am sitting in samie's living room all by myself, writing this in dead silence.. there are 5 other people in here asleep right now. and i feel so isolated. i am always so scared that she is going to get bored of me or find someone else she likes more. i am terrified i am going to mess things up. i just wish i didn't like people as much as i do. i hate feeling this constant fear that they too will leave me.. i hate losing friends, especially the ones i have invested so much time into.. i mean look at sarah, peter, dale, josh, lauren, brooke, jeremiah, kirk... danny.. tammie.. all these people that were my entire world for quite a long period of time.. all gone, save jeremiah. i don't ever see these people, talk to these people.. but i think about them all almost every day.. and i miss them. i feel so angry that after all that time and love and patience eventually turned into bitterness and hatred and distance.. and now.. it's just a big empty place in my heart where they all used to be..
it is almost like having a part of you taken away, losing someone who was essentially your whole life for years at a time. and just up and saying "you never get to see this person again". i mean, basically they are dead.. and it is ridiculously depressing.
maybe someday bridges will be rebuilt.. but sometimes people can not forgive. and they can't move on.. i don't dwell on the things i have lost, though i do look back on them with certain nostalgia. i miss them, but i am happy with where i am now..
i am just having a hard time seeing anything to come of the future.. and that is very terrifying..
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 10 June :: 8.19pm
Feeling a little better.. Looking forward to the weekend for sure. Halfway through the week already!!
I've decided I'm going to try manic panic's virgin snow to get my hair to white. I'm just hoping my roots aren't too yellow. I don't want to rebleach them :/
I've been so tired lately, not sure why. Probably poor diet, no exercise.. Bleh.
I have been trying to make a lady Rainicorn and the dimensions are really hard to get right. I'm getting frustrated! Bleh.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 9 June :: 2.28pm
:: Mood: exhausted
I'm so depressed today. Not sure why. I just feel sad and angry and frustrated.
I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep. :(
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 6 June :: 6.46pm
Today is the last full day in the land of the midnight sun. I haven't slept much because of the light and all these motherfucking mosquito bites >:(
Emily got hired in Leavenworth so that means she's moving away in July :( I'm really upset and sad. I never see her now, and once she moves I REALLY will never see her :( she won't be here for her birthday either.. Unless she comes by... I am happy for her, she needs to leave this place to be happy and I want her to be happy.. It's just hard to say good bye to a really amazing friend.
I think I need some puppy lovin's to help heal my aching heart. I miss my little baby. I can't wait to see him!
I bought Samie some little kids books to read with Zeke. I think she'll really love them. They're made by local Alaskan artists. I also bought zuzu a gift too. And one for Emily. I would have bought more, but money is tight..
This was a weird vacation. I went flight seeing and that was pretty spectacular! Hung out with Danielle, who removed both Sus and myself from her friend's list because we got to go flight seeig and she didn't because she's pregnant. Boo fucking hoo, you wanted a baby just STFU and be happy you got what you wanted. She is really a piece of work. She bitched and bitched about rob being included on his birthday, so when we went out to dinner later, he stayed at home to give her space, which pissed her off because it made her feel like an ass. Really? No fucking shit.
She's always been queen of the universe, but with that baby in her belly she's gotten a million times worse. I feel bad for the baby. She is going to have some serious damage.
Haha which I find this funny: baby is due November 1 and Danielle wants to name her Alexandria hahahahha so strange
Anyway I can't wait to be home. Laundry was washed here so I don't even have to worry about that on Friday!!
Then hanging with zuzu on Wednesday, going away party on the 20th, and prometheus somewhere in between :)
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 3 June :: 11.00am
Well I've lost my workout buddy, so I'm going to need to start self motivating. It'll be hard, but I know I can do it.
Yesterday I was stolen from. Today is the jackass's birthday. I think in addition to stealing my rum he took my god damn toothbrush. I have torn the place up looking for it and I can't find it anywhere :( so I need to buy a new one. I'm not upset about what was taken, just that anything of mine was stolen in the first place.
Anyway, I'm just trying to stay positive. I have like 7 mosquito bites, all in places like my foot and where shirt straps go :( but it's all good. I have a new belt, I have cute hair, I got to connect with Danielle and Brian and Corky.
I'm just hoping that today turns out not to be a total loss.
I miss Bjorne :(
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 31 May :: 7.57pm
Two-faces
I am really disturbed at how two-sided people are.
I honestly thought we were friends, but apparently for the last 3 years you've been thinking I'm some kind of a dirty rapist who masturbates to her pictures. And that I'm a complete alcoholic.. And yet you act like we're best friends.
Well.. I'm done with that bullshit. And once over home I'm getting rid of all connections to you. And I'm really upset that you might be getting married into the family. That guy is a cute and funny man, and I'm pretty sure he's just settling with what he can get due to his age.
But whatever. You can continue down your path to being a fat animal collector. I'm fucking done.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 30 May :: 11.33pm
It's 2333 and outside it looks like 0800. It's hilarious! I don't feel tired at all. It's crazy how much our body works off photons.
All the booze is spoiled. It's kinda sad, but I'm not heartbroken.
After all, I can French braid like a boss.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 29 May :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: Nervous
Flying up to Alaska tomorrow for 8 days. Going to see Sus's family and get some professional photos taken.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 22 May :: 12.34pm
I did this to try and get away from feeling like #2, but it seems like I'm right back where I started.
I think.. I've learned a lesson and I am going to try something different.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 21 May :: 12.26pm
Essentially I'm a very confused little girl.
But I didn't dream of the solution.
Damn it.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 19 May :: 3.30am
Growing up is ridiculously difficult.
Everytime I think I'm done something else happens.
I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again.
I'm tired of all the fights. And the miscommunications.
I just wish I had someone to turn to who knew what to do.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I have no clue where to go.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 18 May :: 9.20pm
Extensions are installed, roots touched up. Hair completely fried!
But they are very pretty and I'm excited to actually grow my hair out this long.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 17 May :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Say Anything
And if I could swim
I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating
in the dark.
And if was blessed
I walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving
Sunken chest.
'Cause they chose you
As the model
For their empty little dreams.
With your new head
And your legs spread
Like a filthy magazine.
And they hunt you
And they gut you
And you give in.
....
And if I was brave
I'd climb up to you on the mountain.
They led you to drink from their fountain
Spouting lies.
And I'd slay
The horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission
To your eyes.
And I'd stand there
Like a soldier
With my foot upon his chest.
With my grin spread
And my arms out
In my bloodstained Sunday's best.
And you'd hold me
I'd remind you
Who you are...
Under their shell..
I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you
....
And if they sent a whirlwind,
I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake,
I'd calm it,
And I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you
In my weak arms like a first born.
....
I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you (through hell for you)
(through hell for you) without you
Without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)
Now, I've walked through hell for you,
What's an adventurer to do
But rest these feet at home with you
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 12 May :: 10.12pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
Down 3 more pounds for a total of 16! I'm feeling pretty awesome right now.
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 11 May :: 11.08am
:: Mood: spoiled
So on Wednesday I went over to Samie's so she could help me do my roots since they're pretty long now, but we had to take Drew to an appointment so we dropped him off and then went shopping. We got food and then we went to NW Seed and Pet and looked at all the cute animals. It was so much fun! Then we took Drew home and we went to donate blood, I did t get to because they were really busy and I didn't have an appointment, but Samie donated and then she decided to take me out to get a pedicure :)
It was my first one and we had the hardest time finding the place! But the ladies there were so cute and nice! We got the deluxe European one, I have the most beautiful purplish blue polish. Samie is so amazing!
Afterwords we got back to her place and we all decided to go out and do some karaokee! Samie let me have some of her vodka at home since I didn't have the money to buy drinks. Sus drove us over to PJ's and Samie bought me a couple more drinks :) I same One Headlight by the Wallflowers and I think I sounded HORRIBLE but I was pretty intoxicated so I have no idea haha. It was really fucking awesome!
Then we went home and I passed out. It was a much needed excursion and I haven't been spoiled like that in a long time! I can't wait to return the favor :)
What do you think?
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godessalthena
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2012 4 May :: 12.54pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: What Sarah said
Yesterday I visited my family. I got there around 4 and I stayed until midnight. It was nice to see my mom and dad and hang out with them for a little bit. It was wonderful to stay up late and talk to my sister.
I had forgotten to take my antidepressant so I was having a hard time dealing with everything that's been going on behind the scenes. Up until a week ago I had been managing to just ignore everything and live like I wasn't getting tired. But last night I broke and I let it all out. All my fears and frustrations. Everything was just out on the table. Secrets, mysteries.. Everything I've always wanted to tell her but couldn't. It was so.. Healing.. Feeling like we're both adults and we can depend on each other.
She's grown up into such a beautiful young woman. She's still so innocent and adorable. We're barely two years apart and she's just.. So completely different than me. And I love it. She's been working so hard to be a stronger person.. I feel like in comparison I've just been hiding from my problems and avoiding truths. She's a huge inspiration to me.
It was nice to finally feel like maybe I'm getting my family back for real. My sister has such a strong relationship with my parents, and to be honest I am jealous, but more so I'm happy for them :) I just wish we hadn't had all those miscommunications in the past. I know we've been working on repairing the bonds, but it's a long road and I'm not sure if they'll ever completely understand me. But we still have time and there's always hope.
And while we were talking I get the sweetest text from Torie telling me that I'm beautiful. And that her and Samie were thinking about me. And then I remember all those little things Samie does to make me feel like the luckiest person in the world to have a friend like her. And I'm so happy that she fell into my life. And that she wants to stay in my life.
And then I think about all the other people who love me in my life. Sus, Sus's mom Corky, Laura, Emily, Peter.. People I work with.. Just so many people who think I'm amazing and are happy to know me.. And it makes me feel more loved than I ever have felt in my entire life. And I realize that no matter how alone I feel, there will always be people who love me and will help me if I just reach out to them.
And I have come to the realization that it isn't luck that brought me these people. It's me. I'm a good person who is worthy of love and that all I have to do is be myself. People love the person I am and they love me whether I'm laughing or crying, fat or thin, with or without make up. It's because I show them I love them and they show it back.
I'm just.. It's a nice place to be right now. In the middle of this network of people who want me to be happy. It's finally happened. And I could t be happier.
What do you think?
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