[Being To Be]

:: 2014 20 February :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: crushed

Oh my fucking god I love him.

:: 2014 19 February :: 9.36pm

Sometimes I feel bad about farting on my dogs in bed, but then I remember they choose to sleep there even after I fart on them. Dirty secret fart lovers.

:: 2014 18 February :: 8.57am

Coming back from a four day weekend just reaffirms how much I hate being a personal injury claims adjuster.

13 voice mails
24 emails
24 file reviews
59 bills
30 checks
And my phone ringing off the hook.

I'm just so tired of this. Arguing with people over their medical treatment, sending out stupid letters, dealing with fraud, being treated like the enemy.

It just wears me down.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2014 17 February :: 9.13am

Boys make me stupid.

:: 2014 10 February :: 3.04pm

Got home early today, thanks to samie's sister having a doctor's appointment and me being the driver today. Good fucking lord the snow is crazy! The best part is its supposed to rain tomorrow. We get like 4 inches, then it all melts. How silly. I just hope it doesn't turn into glare ice...

I got my tax return! I got a bunch of moolah, but I feel like it's all going to go to bills :( oh well. Living in 'murica bitches!

On the bright side, apparently my credit is getting better to the point that my two credit cards raised my limits even with a few late payments... I just forget sometimes.

Started my pills again a few days ago. Getting used to them fucking sucks. I feel so nauseated, light headed, spaced out, no appetite, twitchy. Luckily sleeping is seeming to be okay. I wake up at night, but I think I did that before.

I decided to stop smoking weed for a while. I'm on day 3, and feeling pretty good. I'm excited for the money I'll save! I've also decided to cut back on my alcohol consumption, as I think it might be why I have such horrible stomach aches. So far that's pretty easy too..

I look at my texting app on my phone and I just feel disgust sometimes. I think about all the people I communicate with and how none of them really ever are nice to me.

Idk, it's probably me just being a whiny baby. Maybe I'm too nice for real and need to be more of a bitch. I have no idea.

Ugh.

:: 2014 8 February :: 7.35am

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

:: 2014 6 February :: 11.17am

Talking to Shaunte has been a real trip. She remembers the young naive artist of 6 years ago, not the bitter and cynical business woman I have grown into.

She can't believe that I've stopped painting, nor can she believe that I'm bisexual, or single, or on anti depressants. She just has this pure vision of me, and now that I've let the world melt my views into something less than what it was (in her opinion) she has a hard time accepting the change.

It's kinda nice, having someone with so clear of a memory telling me about times long forgotten. I hardly remember half of what she says, but she's had to recover and had my memories fresh in her mind. I've been so distracted by all the things that have been happening I honestly don't remember most of what she talks about.

She want to come visit me. Or for me to visit her. I think I'd rather her come over here, since I'm so completely unfamiliar to Ellensburg.

On a side note: my tummy hurts SO FUCKING BAD and has for the last few weeks :(

:: 2014 3 February :: 10.14am

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my average and unremarkable existence.

Because out of 7 billion people, I'm the same as at least 75% of them.

A single drop in the ocean.

A pointless ocean.

:: 2014 1 February :: 2.11pm

I just want to get wasted :( is that too much to ask?

:: 2014 31 January :: 1.19pm

I'm so glad this shitty fucking week is almost done.

I have been in the worst fucking mood this week.

Ironically, this has also been the most sober week I've had in a very long time.

So here's to getting shitty tonight in hopes of erasing all the shitty from my memory.

:: 2014 30 January :: 1.55pm

Sometimes, I really miss doing drugs.

:: 2014 30 January :: 9.16am

Andy emailed me.

I'm surprised and at the same time not surprised.

It's surprising because I won so hardcore that I was hoping he would actually be done with me. He was so horrified and disgusted by what I did to him. I like to think I cut him deep. I think he probably did more damage to me in the long run, throughout the duration of our friends with benefits relationship, but that last blow was like a TKO punch.

I'm not surprised, because he's a little bitch. This is the second time he's come crawling back to me. The SECOND time. The first time, ok I get it, whatever. He apologized and I gave him the benefit of doubt, gave him another chance.. And wham, he does the same shit to me, only worse. He's a pompous entitled asshole. A rich bitch. He doesn't value other people, only things and status. And right now he must be hard up for sex.

Well, buddy, tough shit. This bridge has been burned from both sides and there is no chance of rebuilding. Good luck being alone forever, fuck face.

:: 2014 29 January :: 11.29am

Made it 2 weeks without my pills. Broke down and bought them today.

I'm destined to be a pill popper for the rest of my life.

I fucking hate this.

:: 2014 28 January :: 8.36pm
:: Music: Jimmy eat world

Are you listening?
I was feeling free
With a little sweet and simple numbing me
What a dizzy dance
The sweetness will not be concerned with me.

Slipping into sweet uncertainty..

:: 2014 26 January :: 9.20am

Today is one of those days were I wish I didn't exist.

:: 2014 24 January :: 12.38pm

Life is too confusing.

:: 2014 20 January :: 11.06am

I hate most things today.

All I want:
1) cuddles
2) sex
3) sleep

I can't help but feel that this is entirely too much to ask for.

:: 2014 15 January :: 7.00am

I hate when my friends make radical changes after getting into a relationship. It makes me feel angry, defensive, hurt and confused.

I think I'll stay single forever, so I don't become a hypocrit.

:: 2014 13 January :: 8.37am

Today is a difficult day. Day two without my Cymbalta. It feels like high school again. Futile, finite, forgettable. All of which I know is untrue, but I'm just so sick of humanity. I'm exhausted at being a part of the whole, and I feel like nothing I do ultimately matters, so why keep trying to hard to win at life?

I don't like feeling this way anymore. So I'm going to try my hardest to will my mind to heal itself, rather than using medicine as a crutch to reach baseline.

It's hard to admit that I may actually be broken forever. I don't want to be. I don't want to be a slave to my own brain chemistry.

This battle feels endless. I know the day I die is the day it stops, but so does everything I hold so dear. So there isn't an out until something shitty happens and ends it for me.

I just wish I could be normal, emotionally. I just wish I could be baseline all the time. I wish I wish I wish. but those won't come true unless I spend all my money on drugs and pills and therapy. It becomes so old, tiring, boring.

I just hate everyone new I meet. People fucking suck. I hate humans. I love my friends, but there's only a handful of them, and they are all busy with their own lives. They don't have time to hear me talk about absolutely nothing and sob uncontrollably.

Its a sobering and depressing thought that the only person who has put up with it in an intimate setting for a prolonged amount of time was Sus. Is that really the best I can get?

Probably.

:: 2014 10 January :: 7.07am

It's not right.

:: 2014 6 January :: 6.36am

Life shouldn't be made of sad and hollow feelings. But it always will be. A pool of water in an inferno won't last too long.

:: 2014 5 January :: 9.18am

I've been sad lately.

I want angry sex.

Sigh.

:: 2014 5 January :: 8.10am

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell you I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you with first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

:: 2014 3 January :: 8.23pm

Drunk, listening to Disney, buying green.

If I told me this is really what adulthood is when I was 17 I would have slapped you.

But this is awesome.

:: 2014 1 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: introspective

This was the first year I've been single. The first whole year. I've gone through an elevated feeling of awesome, to crippling depression, back to awesome. Overall I've been so much happier this year than recent years prior, and it's been an amazing journey so far.

I've rekindled lost friendships, found a few new friends and haven't really lost any that are worth remembering. I reconnected with my family, which has been a monumental achievement to me, as I never thought we'd be able to reconcile. Mostly because of Sus, but with him out of the picture I've finally been free to do all the things I've wanted. I moved out of my parent's house and into an apartment that I love with a roommate that I am close friends with.

I started a new position at my work, I got my AA degree, I paid off my debt, I did my first river float, I saw the East Coast. 2013 was a very good year for me. Of course I had little emotional hells here and there, but that's really to be expected, so I'm not really counting those in the final tally. No major trauma's occurred this year, nothing horrible that I can remember happened. Either that means this year rocked, or I just have the shittiest memory ever.

I'm closer now to the person I want to be than ever before. I have good feelings about 2014, I feel like this is going to be the year for a lot of people.

I hate making resolutions, because I feel like they are gimmicky and no one ever really achieves them. But I do want to approach 2014 with more optimism, open-mindedness and a go-with-the-flow attitude. I would like to stop taking my anti-depressant pills too.

Here's to the hope that everyone had a safe new year's eve, and their year upcoming is filled with awesome and happy.

:: 2013 28 December :: 8.37am

Oh, Mary Jane, you are beautiful. You always know how to make me feel better when my tummy is in knots and my head is pounding. Cuddle me as I drift off into dreamland. After I lock all the doors, of course!

:: 2013 25 December :: 7.26pm

had a really fantastic christmas this year. it was really nice, low key and fun.

dreading work tomorrow. can it please just be the weekend?

:: 2013 23 December :: 3.55pm

Happy birthday Samie!

No one can me to her party, so there was no surprise. Not even her husband. It crushed me, and obviously Samie was too.

I am so pissed off that people said they'd be there, and then everyone bailed. Including her husband and family members. Who she does anything for. It's just shitty that she's surrounded by so many selfish people that can't even make time for her birthday.

I'm just even more disgusted with people every year around this time. I'm a Scrooge for a reason.

:: 2013 18 December :: 9.01pm

I hate having to repeat myself, but it feels like every few months I end up doing it.

Vicious cycle, I want to break it, but I'm at a loss of how without losing everything.

Maybe some solitude will help.

:: 2013 16 December :: 10.38am

Ashita genki in nare. I hope.