buttercupistiny's Journal

buttercupistiny's Journal

:: 2008 25 April :: 9.10am
:: Music: Michelle Branch -- You Get Me

Begging for a good day.
When I called my Dad last night regarding the cancer, he didn't tell me that everything was going to be alright. To be honest, the first thing he said to me was "say good bye." I'm not an anatomy major by all means, nor do I know the first thing about how cancer or other disease spread throughout the body. From what he said, the lymph nodes are a highway for cancer, and once it gets to that point, it's extremely difficult to stop the spread.

Of course, I cried.

After some amazing advice, I sent Chassa a text and told her that I went through it with my dad, and there was nothing I could say to make this better, but she was my sister, I love her, and I would be here if she needed or wanted to talk. It's all I can do, and I hope that's enough like everyone says it is.

I was cheered up and back to my regular self before bed with much thanks to my amazing boyfriend who never hesitates to wrap his arms around me and hold me while I'm crying, and to {DS} for just being ridiculously fun altogether. Best clan in the world, imo =]

2/3 day airsoft weekend effective this afternoon/evening. It looks like it's going to rain, so mother nature? You better knock that shit off!! There's nothing worse than "camping" while it's raining or wet. I'm not the biggest out door person in the world, and mud added into the mix just makes everything a million times worse. I'm trying not to think about being outside of my comfort zone, because I know that I'm probably going to have a lot more fun than I think I will right now. Breakfast is pretty win, and I'm going to call in sick to work since they're incapable of paying attention to what days I request off, aaand see if I can get my front speakers installed at the awesomest Best Buy in Grand Rapids.

Happy day, please? No more bad news =[

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duckie

:: 2008 24 April :: 7.45pm

I miss my friend.
So.. my best friend's mom ~~had~~ has breast cancer. She went in for a mastectomy last week, and she's been at home for nearly a week now recovering. When she got home from the hospital, Chassa, the best friend, told me that they were supposed to tell her 3 days after her surgery if the cancer had spread, but they didn't say anything. They started beating around the bush, saying that they needed to set up appointments and all the other bullshit that they do when there's bad news, but they just won't come out and say it for whatever reason.

I knew at that moment that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes [that's what they did a biopsy on to see if it had spread], but I said what I could to be optimistic for Chassa. I was afraid for the first time in my friendship with her to be perfectly honest about what I thought.

She sent me a text a little while ago informing me that the cancer had in fact spread. Her operation is scheduled for May 7th which is 2 days before Pj and I are driving into Waukesha to see her. I have been spending the last 45 minutes or so wondering what to say or what to do because I'm clueless. I tried thinking of everything I heard when my dad had cancer, and I tried thinking of everything I wanted to hear, but that part of my life is completely blocked out. I don't remember feeling any kind of emotion. All I want to do is be there with her and drink, because I know that's what she wants, and I know that's what she would do with me if our roles were reversed. She's not an alcoholic by any means, but it's a release, and it makes the pain go away if only for a little while.

I am 5 hours away from my best friend, and I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to say to comfort her. I feel helpless.

I'm not a very religious person, but I pray to God that her mom makes it through this. I don't know how serious it all is because her mom didn't want to talk about it, and Chassa wasn't the one that talked to the doctor. I just hope that she makes it through.

I tried cleaning out Lucy [my car] to get my mind off things, and I failed miserably. I think I might call my dad though. Despite everything that him and I have been through, I feel like he's my best friend which is weird. I should hate him. I should want him to be rotting in prison. I should want him dead. I don't. I just want him to hug me, call me Tink, and let me know that everything is going to be okay.

Everything is always okay when he says it is.

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duckie

:: 2008 23 April :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: Alive =]

Inspiration leads to profoundness.
I feel so profound tonight.

I just wrote the most beautiful thing in the world that I'm scared out of my mind to show anyone except for a few people. It made me realize how alive I feel.

And I apologized to my friend because I may have gotten a little too rough.
When I get like that it's because I care; I won't get upset if I don't care.

[08:06] IcieSnowflake: our talk earlier inspired me and made me think of everything that has been scratching the surface
[08:06] *** Auto-response from ***:
exhausted.
around, holler.
[08:06] IcieSnowflake: im sorry for getting snappy with you
[08:06] IcieSnowflake: but i want to see you happy, and i want to see you settled and in love and being treated the way that you deserve
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: i hate seeing you so down on yourself with the i cant do it mind set, because i KNOW you can
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: i felt that way once too, and look at me
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: look at how ive changed, matured, and grew
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: i never thought i would see myself like this
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: im hard on you and im tough because i love you and because i want to see you get out of this the way that i did
[08:07] IcieSnowflake: i want to see you succeed in all that you do
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: i want to see you learn from your mistakes and strengthen yourself from your failures
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: i want to give you happiness, but i cant. its something you need to acquire on your own
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: but i love you, and im always here for you, and im not going to tell you what you want to hear
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: you may not like it, but i wouldnt do it if i didnt love you
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: so keep your god damn head up, you hear me?
[08:08] IcieSnowflake: keep it up.
[08:09] IcieSnowflake: <3
[08:09] IcieSnowflake: youre beautiful. you have a beautiful soul. wounded, but beautiful
[08:09] IcieSnowflake: dont lose sight of that. not now. not ever.
[08:09] IcieSnowflake: you dont believe it now, but you will in time. you will believe it in time.

She's nothing short of amazing, and although at times she makes me want to ~~stab~~ slay her, I just want her to find happiness and peace with herself. Once she achieves that, the rest is a lot easier.

Completely unrelated, but I asked Chassa, my ~~best friend~~ sister, if she would be my maid of honor when that time comes around again, and she accepted. It's quite a ways off, I know, but she deserves that spot, and I wanted her to know that. I cannot wait to see her and to call her a bitch because she fucked me too many times during Fuck the Dealer, and I really can't wait to hear her call me Christina Aguilera like old times =]

What the FUCK is with my mood tonight.
I'm going lol.

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duckie

:: 2008 23 April :: 12.26pm
:: Music: Michelle Branch -- Where Are You Now?

Bearer of bad news.
Yesterday was really not such a great day, and now that I'm not purely reacting from emotion, I'm feeling a lot more put together about everything.

Everything always happens for a reason.

My cat, Marley, had to stay in Wausau because I couldn't bring him to Michigan right away. He's been staying with Shawn's sister for about 2 weeks, and Shawn contacted me last night and told me that I had 2 weeks to pick Marley up or he was going to be taken to the pound. I guess he's been getting pretty sick, losing his fur, and not walking so well because he's really tender around his joints. I broke down and cried as soon as Shawn said the words "Marley's sick." He's been my baby for the last 2.5 years, and basically my everything. I gave away the two other cats that we had because they didn't get along with Marley, and that damn cat was pretty much me in feline form. He's moody, sassy, and does things on his time and no one else's. He was definitely my cat though, and really wouldn't lay with anyone else but me. *sigh* I've missed my little buddy since the day that I left him. But anyway. After my heart shattered to pieces, I told Shawn to just take him to the pound. I don't have the money to take him to the vet, I don't have any where to keep him, and the last thing that I want to do is move him to yet another new house with new people or new animals. The stress could make him severely worse or even kill him.

People seem to mostly talk about heart break after they break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or get a divorce, but my heart has never felt broken until now. It's extremely difficult to keep my composure and to keep my head straight. He's like my kid, and all I want to do is hold him, pet him [no, I wouldn't pet my kids.], and comfort him. And what I want more than anything is to at least say good bye. My dad told me last night that while he may be put down, no one can ever take my memories of him. It's true, but I would rather just have him, ya know?

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to find a cat as handsome as him =]

On a semi optimistic note, I told Pj yesterday that when we finally get into our apartment I'm going to get a kitten. He was totally fine with it, and when I mentioned it to Kelly and Rach, they didn't have a problem with it either. It's something to look forward to. Hopefully I'll hear back from Old Navy soonish about a 2nd interview. When I talked to Becky yesterday, she still hadn't heard anything.

Aaaand even more depressing news! I called my dad last night to tell him about Marley, and he had some not so good news himself. I guess my mom spent the night in the hospital the night before last. Someone at work found her slumped over her desk unable to talk or move. This happened over Labor Day weekend as well, and from what I understand, they have determined that these little episodes are mini strokes. She's had MS for the last 14 years, and things are starting to get pretty bad, or maybe I just think it's bad because after 14 years, I finally grew accustomed to what she was going through. This is a whole new playing field though, and now I'm just scared. They ran some tests, did an MRI and an EEG, and she's supposed to be meeting with her primary MS doctor to go over the results. I think that 2 weeks is an awful long time to wait to go over the results of what could be mini strokes. Those are a pretty big deal, imo, and I wish that they would be acting a little more swiftly.

My mom and I don't always see eye to eye, but she's my mom and I love her. I'm horrified that she could get these mini strokes while she's driving and get into an accident. We've already been in one bad accident together that neither of us should have survived. What if she's not so lucky this time?? I don't know what I would do if I lost her, and I don't know if I could handle losing her. I know that MS isn't a deadly disease, but I know that it will kill her. She's not as strong as she was at first, and with all of these new symptoms *shakes head* I just don't know. It kills me. I just want this all to go away, and I want her to be okay again.

It gets harder and harder to be as strong as I ~~feel~~ think I need to be. I wanted to just break down and bawl and just be held, but I refrained because I didn't want to be a burden or a bother. I know that I probably never would be viewed as such, especially by Pj, but crying shows weakness and vulnerability which usually leads to getting hurt even worse.

Oh fuck.

This is exactly what I'm supposed to be changing. Trusting myself and Pj. Trusting what we have together, and not holding him at arms length because I'm afraid. Not being afraid to feel emotional distress and pain. When he came to comfort me, I should have wrapped my arms around him and just cried instead of trying to fight back the tears and toughen up.

I'm sorry.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
Admitting you have a problem requires recognizing the problem.
I'm beginning to recognize the problem.
Good start, I think.
Now I just have to figure out how to fix it.

Not gonna lie, that Long Island iced tea is sounding better and better.

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duckie

:: 2008 21 April :: 12.32pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Michelle Branch -- You Set Me Free

I really love the Eagles, not gonna lie.
Mitch from Old Navy called. After completely over analyzing every detail, like the typical left brained girl that I am, I've thought of a couple of different scenarios.

His reason for calling was that he wanted to make sure I did the online app because he didn't see it. I tried going to their site again, and it wouldn't let me apply for anything because I already have in the last 90 days. I called him back and reminded him that I'm legally Amanda, which is the name that my online app is under, in case he was searching for Mandie instead. Here's what I've come up with thus far:

Scenario #1:
~~My references checked out as well as whomever else he was calling, so he wanted to make sure I did the online app so we can get a second interview set up.~~
I talked to Becky, and Old Navy hasn't contacted her yet, so this theory is out.

Scenario #2:
He hasn't [had time to] call my references and whomever else, and now that he finally has the time, he's checking to make sure I did the online app before making any calls.

He DID tell me that his Friday was pretty hectic when I originally asked if that would work best for our initial interview, so I guess I really can't expect him to put me on the top of his list when he probably has plenty of other applicants in addition to having a store to run. I just sent Becky [BBY 399 sup, NOT Grandville] to see if Old Navy contacted her yet, but I'm not expecting a quick reply because she's probably at work, although she should be taking her lunch in the next hour or so. He said that he would call me back though, so that's what is making it so hard to keep my hopes from soaring through the roof.

I'm ridiculously nervous, and I wish that I would just know if I'm getting a 2nd interview or not so I can either continue the search for a new job or so I can freak out with excitement and giddiness; the uncertainty of this all is beginning to get to me. Like normal, I keep zoning out and thinking about all of the details of the situation, what everything could possibly mean to me, all of the different ways things could turn out, if I could even perform the way the store needs me to if they offered me the job, and every other possible detail under the damn sun.

Do I even have what it takes to be a supervisor? That's a HUGE step up from what I am was.

On a less torturous note. I got a little sunburned this weekend, and it reminded me of how fucking much I LOVE spring/summer/warm weather, and I'm SO happy that I can tag along with Pj and Kelly at their airsoft games. It's a ton of fun =] I know that I'm not actually playing, but it's nice being a part of ~~something~~ a team again regardless. I do wonder though if Doc has someone who takes pictures at all of his team's events since Pj had mentioned getting onto his team. =]

One more thing =] <4

Can't you see?
There's a feeling that's come over me
Close my eyes
You're the only one that leaves me completely breathless

No need to wonder why
Sometimes a gift like this you can't deny

'Cause I wanted to fly,
so you gave me your wings
And time held its breath so I could see, yeah
And you set me free

There's a will
There's a way
Sometimes words just can't explain
This is real
I'm afraid
I guess this time there's just no hiding, fighting
You make me restless

You're in my heart
The only light that shines
there in the dark

'Cause I wanted to fly,
so you gave me your wings
And time held its breath so I could see, yeah
And you set me free

When I was alone
You came around
When I was down
You pulled me through
And there's nothing that
I wouldn't do for you

'Cause I wanted to fly,
so you gave me your wings
And time held its breath so I could see, yeah
And you set me free

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duckie

:: 2008 19 April :: 10.29am
:: Music: William Tell -- Just For You

Just For You =]

I can't seem to catch my breath
It's in front of me
Behind your lips

And here I go,
Letting go
Just another, let you go
I never thought I could be like this

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Just for you
Just for you

In the dark
Moving hands to find my way
Reaching for a chance
And the words to say

And here I go
Letting go
Just to never let you go
I'm so scared to feel so safe

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Just for you...

I've been so quiet for so long
Waiting for the chance to find me
Now I'm finding out
That things have never been so real
Never felt the way they should be
Now they've found me

I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
I wanna spend every moment here with you
You've shown me a place I've seen but never knew
So here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Here I am
Just for you
Just for you...

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duckie

:: 2008 18 April :: 11.49am

Apparently we had an earthquake this morning. F-ing sweet, imo. I've never been in/felt [whatever the politically correct term is] an earthquake, so yay for that. I really thought I was going crazy for a bit, and then I figured that Pj's uncle was just doing something, so I went back to sleep.

Last night while I was at work, I got a call from the guy at Old Navy. Thank God Best Buy let me leave at 6, because he wanted me to go in for an interview at 8:15. I was pretty shocked at how quickly he wanted to see me, and how fast the whole process went. I think the interview went okay. I pretty much talked about Best Buy the whole time, and how devoted I was to the ops team at my other store. At the end of the interview he said that he was going to make some calls, check my references, and then set up a 2nd interview if all goes well. I talked to Becky for a bit last night [cool Becky, my sup from the other store], so she knew that he was going to be contacting her, and she also told me that she definitely has faith that I can be a sup. That helped tremendously, because Becky has never said something that she didn't mean. If I get this job, I hope that I can at least be half as great as Becky was; she taught me everything I know, and she's walked me through the leadership process every step of the way. I honestly don't know where I would be without her =]

2 closers tonight, so hopefully I can get away with leaving at 9 or 930 so I get home at a reasonable time. I don't do so well driving at night especially when I'm tired. *crosses fingers* After tonight I only have one more day of crap until next Friday, and hopefully by then I'll have a new job <3

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duckie

:: 2008 17 April :: 10.35am

Retail owns my soul.
So the last few days all I've been doing is looking for something that will get me away from the horrible Best Buy I am at, and today I seemed to have struck gold. The Old Navy store in Grandville is hiring for a customer service SUPERVISOR. That makes me pretty ridiculously happy, and I only just applied. Retail, specifically customer service, is what I do, and unfortunately it's what I'm ridiculously good at =[ I might as well come to terms with the fact that I'm destined to be in retail for the rest of my damn life, and I will probably be headed on the management track before too long. I'm so excited, in fact, that I saved the guy's phone number into my phone, and I set an alarm to call him on Monday afternoon [assuming I don't work], if I haven't heard anything back since then. The job was just posted two days ago as well, so hopefully I actually have a shot at getting called for an interview. Not gonna lie, the money and the discount would be pretty fucking sweet. The money especially. I have the overwhelming urge to call Becky, my sup from the Wausau BBY, and tell her how excited I am, especially since I have her down as my number one reference.

I just reread that, and I don't want anyone to think that I actually like retail, because I don't; I'm just disgustingly good at it. If I can't find anything else until I can go back to school and get a degree, then I might as well give it my all and make damn good money being a leader which is what I REALLY love.

In other news, the worst cliche I've ever heard is "if you think it's too good to be true, then it probably is." It makes me feel SO paranoid, and for whatever reason, that damn saying always lingers in the back of my mind. This morning I decided to kick it's fucking ass and beat it into the ground. There truly are GOOD people, and good things really do happen; it's time to accept that. It feels weird to be involved with a guy that is actually a good guy. Before I moved, I remember him telling me that he didn't want to do something to screw things up. I'm not sure that's something I could ever forget, and it's a nice reminder that he's as devoted to things as I am. I'm not used to being with someone who notices when I'm not acting like myself and goes the extra mile to ask me what's wrong, and doesn't believe me when I say nothing. I'm also not used to being held so tight that it's like he doesn't want to let me go. Honestly, it's probably one of the best feelings ever, aside from laughing til I cry. Things are finally starting to feel normal, and all of the doubts and fears have gradually been reduced to nothing but happiness and a genuine sense of security. For the first time since I saw my schedule for this week, I'm ~~okay~~ with the hours that I'm working because I know that he'll be here waiting for me when I get home.

True love feels SO good.

*[Edit]* I already got an email back from Old Navy... granted it was only to ask me to copy and paste my resume to him, because he can't open up attachments, but it was contact nonetheless, so my cover letter must have had enough in it to interest him. *crosses fingers*

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duckie

:: 2008 16 April :: 11.20am
:: Music: Something Corporate -- Fall

Music recommendations...And go!
I have 10 hours of driving in the near future, not to mention the trips for all the airsoft games, and all of my mix cd's are pretty fail and full of the same songs just in different orders. SO. I need either stellar combos of songs for new cd's, or music recommendations so that I can make my own stellar combos =]

I listen to everything sans opera.

Ready? Go!
<3

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