f.u.c.k.y.o.u.a.l.l..or maybe just 3 of you.
well, sorry I didn't really finish yesterday's entry. what was left was the result of the horrible plan-making skills of my boyfriend. so anyways, today was a.w.f.u.l. the field trip was boring. I started the day off in a weird mood..well, it started when I got to Tuskawilla actually. Mr. Sanchez had me in a good mood this morning. yea so my weird mood put Alex in a bad one and yea. it sucked. so the whole day sucked. the needy part of my mood is needy towards Rachel and the love of my Fabs. tomorrow is Friday.

Bad Actors With Bad Habits.

I Need Some Meaning I Can Memorize.

I'm being replaced. it bothers me, but it's realistic. I'm a realist. sometimes. so I should be expecting this. right? no. yes. I'm going to accept it.

Then Hurt Me.

you know that you're not getting over it. you might think you are, but really you're just getting BACK. and I'm sorry to disappoint you beautiful, but getting OVER something and getting BACK at someone for the something are not the same things.

What Do You Expect Out Of A Kid?

And What The FUCK Do You Expect Out Of Me?

And Nothing Has Ever, No Nothing Has Ever Felt The Same.

I want to see Atreyu live. it'd be a little scary..but fun. so would MCR...I want to see them live more than any other band on the face of this earth. but I bet they suck live. I don't care, I love them too much it doesn't matter. oooh, and A Static Lullaby. now that is one hell of a good tour right there.





No One Said Caring Was Easy..

haven't updated in a while? I guess not. I haven't been online much. busy..stupid fuckin histroy project sucks ass. especially when both you and your partner are big-time procrastinaters. (although he did want to start it over the break..) but oh well. we're almost done..
I saw Vicki today and for some reason I'm listening to what she's saying. I guess I should have last week, but I felt like being depressed so she only pissed me off..because obvisouly when you want to feel depressed you don't want a shrink telling you to be happy. but I don't know, I'm realizing that I don't want to be dependent. I don't want to care about what people think of me, I don't want to be self-conscious and think that they have an effect on me. because no one really does. no matter how many people hate you or don't like you, you're still the same person you were before they hated you or disliked you.

diediedie.
Have you ever...
1. Fallen for your best friend – yes.
2. Made out with JUST a friend – I guess..
3. Been in love – yes.
4. Used someone – no.
5. Been used – probably..yea..
6. Done something you regret – of course.


Last person...
1. You touched – Alex..I think.
2. You talked to - my dad.
3. You hugged - Alex.
4. You instant messaged - Jennah.
5. You yelled at – Mishel or Clint.
6. You laughed with – Rach.
7. You had a crush on – Alex.
8. Who broke your heart – Alex..but it happens all the time with both of us.


Do you...
1. Color your hair – yea.
2. Have tattoos - no.
3. Piercings - ears..
4. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both – boyfriend..unless you wanna count Jennah too.
5. Floss daily – nope.
6. Own a webcam – no.
7. Ever get off the damn computer – yea.
8. Sprechen sie deutsche – wtf mate?
9. Habla espanol – Si.


Have u/do u have...
1. Considered a life of crime – only after watching the Hannibal Lector movies..and then I realized I wasn't that smart.
2. Considered being a hooker – not yet.
3. Considered being a pimp – fuck yea.
4. Split personalities - you have to admit that everyone does.
5. Panic – yea..especially around fuckin deadline..RACHEL AND ERIN.
6. Anxiety - ^^
7. Depressed – guess.
8. Suicidal – not at the moment.
9. Obsessed with hate - can be.
10. If you could be anywhere, where would you be – Switzerland.
11. What are you listening to – My Static Star playlist..consisting of My Chemical Romance, A Static Lullaby, and North*..creative, huh?
12. Can you do anything freakish with your body – unfortunately..no.
13. Chicken or fish – chicken.
14. Do you have a favorite animal – I don't think so.

Current…
1. Clothes – jeans and this black wife beater that I wrote "Demolition Lover" on last night..oh yea, and a jakcet.
2. Mood – h o r r i b l e
3. Taste – the egg roll I'm eating.
4. Hair – down.
5. Annoyance – everything.
6. Smell – the egg roll.
7. Thing I ought to be doing – being happy.
8. Desktop Picture – picture of me and Alex..
9. Favorite Group – My Static Star.
10. Book – Dharma Punx-Noah Levine..or the Sisterhood of the Traveling PAnts summers 1 and 2 by Ann Brashares..ohh, or The Rose and the Beast by Francesca Lia Block.
11. Worry – not going into it.
12. Crush – Alex..if you wanna call him a "crush"


Favorite...
1. Drink – apple juice.
2. Color(s) – pink, green, and black.
3. Shoes – old school cons.
4. Candy – swedish fish..which I could really use right now.
5. TV Show – Everwood.
6. Movie – Empire Records.
7. Dance – wtf?

Are you...
1. Understanding – yes.
2. Open-minded - yes.
3. Insecure - sometimes.
4. Interesting – not really.
5. Hungry – just ate.
6. Friendly – I try.
7. Smart – I'm booksmart..don't really know if I'm common-sense smart.
8. Moody – yes.
9. Childish - only when I'm having fun.
10. Independent – I try..
11. Hard working – most of the time.
12. Organized – ehh..
13. Healthy – hah, I don't think so..
14. Emotionally Stable – no.
15. Shy – I usually only talk when spoken to..some people think of that as shy so you decide.
16. Difficult - I guess.
17. Attractive – depends.
18. Bored Easily - not at all..and I'm annoyed by people who are.
19. Thirsty - not really.
20. Responsible – depends.
21. Sad – yes.
22. Happy – I don't see Alex anywhere..so no..I know I'm a fuckup because my happiness relies on him but..oh well.
23. Trusting – yea.
24. Talkative – can be.
25. Unique – don't think so.
26. Needy – depends.


Who do you want to...
1. Kill – a lot of people.
2. Slap – even more people.
3. Look like – no one.
4. Be like – myself..but I don't know what she's like.
5. Talk to offline - no one in particular.


On you...
1. Name – Shannon.
2. Nicknames – Shano..Pop.
3. Hair color – blonde and dark red.
4. Eye Color - I don't really know..brown..and kind of green I guess.
5. Siblings – older sister.
6. How do you describe yourself – fuck.
7. What's your sign – aries.
8. Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend – yes.

On friends...
1. Best Friend(s) – oh geez, this is where everyone gets all emotional and left out..um, well, I guess it isn't really a problem with me because I have non..I mean, okay fine. best friends you're asking for? the Fabs and Alex.
2. Friend(s) you hang out with - Fabs, Alex, Patrick.
3. Friend(s) you have the most fun with - Alex and Patrick..and the Fabs though we don't do much anymore..
4. Friend(s) you've dreamt about – Fabs, Alex.
5. Friend(s) you tell secrets to – Fabs, Alex.


On preferences...
1. Chocolate milk or hot chocolate – hot chocolate.
2. McDonalds or Burger King – McDonald's..or Burger King..what's the difference?
3. Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend – perfect friend.
4. Sweet or sour - sweet.
5. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper – see question 2.
6. Sappy/action/comedy/horror – sappy..well, right now at least.
7. Cats or dogs – cats.
8. Ocean or Pool – neither..
9. Cooler Ranch or Nacho Cheesier – Nacho Cheesier.
10. Mud or Jello wrestling – Mud is dirty..but Jello tastes good..so..hm.
11. With or without ice-cubes – doesn't really matter..except apple juice..that's gotta have ice cubes.
12. Shine or rain – depends.
13. Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring - spring.
14. Vanilla or Chocolate – Chocolate.
15. Snowboarding or skiing – do I look athletic to you?
16. Cake or cookies - cookieS.
17. Cereal or toast – toast.






that gave me something to do..since I have absolutely nothing to do..except maybe finish the essay for english..but I'll need something to do at midnight. ya know what I really hate? besides everything I mean..people who are always like, "no one leaves comments in my journal..someone leave comments." it really pisses me off because it's like, who the hell are you writing for? I personally thought that youre supposed to right for yourself..not someone who mihgt leave a comment. I'm never going to leave a comment in someone's woohu if I see that..no matter how intriging the entry is. youre almost getting what you want..I thought about it...but sorry, you're just not interesting enough. die.
I have nothing to do tonight because I'm trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to let the people I care about get hurt. because that's what they want and as long as theyre not dying..I'll give them what they want. Jennah wants to be hurt by Brett, so I'm letting her. Alex wants to be hurt by them, so I'm letting him. I hope theyre having fun. but I wish I was allowed to do something I want once in a while. oh well, I'm not living for me anymore anyways.

fuck.
Alex just left a little while ago. I wish I could live with him, I never want to leave, I never want him to leave. I could be with him forever and never get sick of him.
everything has been so fucked up the past few days. god, I hate it. and I hate myself. but I love Alex. he's so much better than me. fuck.
LIFE'S NO STORYBOOK.
LOVE'S AN EXCUSE TO GET HURT.
AND TO HURT.
do you like to hurt?
I DO, I DO.
then hurt me.
sorry, had a Bright Eyes moment there.
I don't know how I feel about Vicki anymore. I sometimes feel stupid going. like she's there trying to make me happy. fuck that, I have Alex. I don't want to be diagnosed. I want to..ah, I don't know. all I know is that I want what I shouldn't have. I'm spoiled. hah, and Clint is mad at me. my boyfriend isn't, but Clint is. fuck him. I'm blaming everything on him right now because, technically, it's his fault. so fuck.him. I want Alex...and Jennah. I want Jennah right now too. but just because she's broken hearted. and I miss her. it's going to be only her this weekend. Erin is going camping and Rach is going to that fucker's house. fucker. fuckher. fuck her. get it? hah..I love you Rach. anyways. I'm going to go.

:.<..Then my mind went dark..>.:

I changed my mind, I do not want to spend more time with Clint. he is taken off of my list and Patrick is added.

I love you Alex. I'm sorry.

I hate myself. I want to die a lonnggggg painful death. Alex just came over to get his jacket. I am so in love with him, it's completely killing me. to see him hur this much is worse than any kind of cut or burn or one of James's crazy grotesque fantasies. I need him so bad right now. and he needs me, but he doesn't want me, and I don't blame him. I feel so horrible. he couldn't look at me for more than 2 seconds..god, I'm such an idiot. I wouldn't blame him if he broke up with me. I don't know if he's going to..I can't take this. I'm hurting so much, but I deserve far worse. Alex, I'm sorry. I love you more than anything..

//10 bands/people you've been listening to a lot lately:
1) blink
2) soty
3) glassjaw
4) from autumn to ashes
5) the used
6) tbs
7) brand new
8) 10..haha
9) bjork
10) dkm

//09 things you're looking forward to:
1) summer
2) dc..jennah : )
3) warped tour..even though that probably falls under summer
4) tomorrow
5) getting some apple juice in a few minutes
6) getting new pictures developed
7) my room looking good
8) next appt. with vicki
9) sleeping

//08 things you like to wear:
1) tanks tops
2) black bras
3) skirts
4) dresses
5) jeans
6) pajama pants
7) my moneen shirt
8) tights

//07 things that annoy you:
1) potheads
2) my mom
3) drug addicts in general
4) humidity
5) people who think they are perfect, but don't say so.
6) ignorant people
7) sand.

//06 songs you could listen to over and over:
1) glassjaw-I'm sorry (the secret song)
2) soco-k(c)onstantine
3) flogging molly-death valley queen
4) mcr-early sunsets over monroeville
5) from autumn to ashes-autumn's monologue
6) love to hate, hate to me-a static lullaby

//05 things you do everyday:
1) put on eyeliner
2) take medicine
3) take a shower
4) talk to Alex
5) listen to music

//04 people you want to spend more time with:
1) myself
2) the Fabs (they count as 1)
3) I can't spend enough time with Alex.
4) Clint. (and I do not mean this in any..relationship-based way..I love you Alex.)

//03 movies you could watch over and over again:
1) EMPIRE RECORDS
2) Donnie Darko
3) If Lucy Fell

//02 of your favorite books at the moment:
1) The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (summer 1 and 2)-Ann Brashares
2) Dharma Punx-Noah Levine

//01 person you would spend the rest of your life with:
1) Alex.

PAST:
-last word you said: online: "jerk" (to Patrick)
-last song you sang: daybreak-northstar
-last thing you laughed at: me and patrick fighting
-last time you cried: almost today, but surpriser surprise, i havent cried in like, 2 whole days!
PRESENT:
-what's in your cd player: blink, mine and cooper's mix, soty, the used, and brand new
-what color socks are you wearing: not wearing any
-what's under your bed: nothing : )
-what time did you wake up today: 8! ehh...
FUTURE:
-what is your career going to be: psychologist
-where are you going to live: san fransisco
-what kind of car will you drive: dont know, dont care.

-i am happiest when: I'm with Alex, or when I'm with the Fabs and we all love each other, lol..
-i feel lonely when: just at random moments that come about 37 times a day..dont ask.
-favorite authors: I dont really know
-do you think too much: I think so..haha..
-if you could live anywhere in the world: switzerland.
-famous person you want to meet: uhh, andrew mcmahon..oh wait, I HAVE! haha, so um, probably Noah Levine or Davey Havok.
-favorite smell: Alex
-what makes you mad: my mom.
-favorite way to waste time: sitting in bed thinking about things that probably have no reason for me to thinking about them
-any bad habits: not calling people back, procrastinating, and, well, Alex knows.
-last thing you bought yourself: clothes
FASHION:
-do you wear a watch: no
-favorite pants color: jean, or black.
-most expensive item of clothing: hm, I don't really know
-most treasured: I don't know.
-do your friends know you: they know most of me.
-what do they tend to be like: beautiful.
LAST:
-last book you read: the sisterhoodof the traveling pants summer 2
-last movie you saw: Joyride
-last movie you saw on the big screen: eek, I think it was..Mona Lisa Smile..er, no, the one with Ben Affleck
-last show you watched on tv: 24
-last thing you had to drink: apple juice : )
-last thing you ate: that cheese sandwich thing that Mr. P. made for me and Nen.
-last time you showered: earlier this afternoon
-last time you smiled: just now
-last person you hugged: my Dad.
-last person you talked to online: Patrick.
-last person you talked to on the phone: Jennah.


well, that was fun and time consuming. I'm going to go finish getting ready for Brett's now. Love you.