Au'some weekend with the exeption of sunday, I cried tears of furey on sunday do to a certain write up of mine, not my fault really she didn't even talk to the other managers to see if I asked to leave or not. What a bitch. She looks for reasons to screw people over I swear. But hey no sweat I don't have school till friday and its an amazing feeling
this is how I feel at this very moment
I know absolutely gorgeous ey? ahaha I'm such a looker today I swear try this one on for size.
Here I am. Eating Life cereal. I love cereal.
I went to Holland for the last few days, and just got back last night. Ohhh man, did Leesh and I have fun. :) haha, we love to shop, lemme tell ya, especially at TJmaxx. And we even got some pictures in before we passed out on the floor, haha. Ohh well, we'll get some more later. We sat at Panera Bread eavesdropping, too, which was hilarious. "Asia, Burma!! DUNG!" ohhh man, ahaha.
I did spend a lotta money, but I don't care anymore! It was amazing and so worth it. Plus, Leesh and I now have the same jeans! :P
Chris took me out for dinner at 84East, and I had this really good alfredo, but I only finished like.. the top layer and got full (there was a ton).. then Chris ate that too, haha. After that we went and got some coldstone. It was realllllly good. :) He's good to me :)
Good weekends put me in such a good mood. I love feeling like this. Especially when the sun is shining, too. It feels really warm instead of blistering cold, like usual. I really hope Spring is coming soon, no more snow storm crap, and no more cold weather. I can't stand it anymore! I want to walk around in t-shirts and stuff, c'mon!
::
2008 5 March :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Informatik - The World Belongs to Us
I am sooo excited. I'm going to Holland tomorrow and staying with Aliciaaa. We're gonna have so much fun, I don't even know if I can handle it!! ahh, all the pictures and makeup, and shopping and every other girly thing you can imagine that we'd do. :D
I also am very excited to find out I get out of school completely by the 15th of May. Ohh my gosh. How amazzzzing!! everyone - you're coming to my open house and eating food and cake. I like cake a lot, so it'll be there. Lots of it, too. :D well, hopefully.
Well, I'm just sittin' here talking to Christopher and we're chatting about how he's never read my woohu, haha. well, I just gave him the link so I'm sure he is now. :P I love that boy.
Years will come, years will go,
Kingdoms rise and fall -
The time has come to take control..
The world belongs to us.
The night plays all over again, his ice cold hands caressing my skin in the most foul way, making my stomache turn his diabolical eyes penitrate my soul in a way that's really indescribable, its kind of like staring the devil down. Every act, the way he laughed, my god.
I've been seeing him all over again recently. After we crossed paths at speedway not to long ago, he likes to visit me in my dreams. The sent of him, the way he spoke to me, and the way it was all my fault. The dreams never change, they're always the same.
So...
Lack of sleep = lack of school
Lack of school = lacking in completed work
Which means no good is coming out of this
Otherwise life is starting to work out and I'm dealing with my past, though I'm not sure how quite yet. I dunno *sigh*
I'm in such a shitty mood right now
What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful..
So just got out of the shower. I smell lots better now. I think I'm going bowling tonight with Kristi and Josh. Sounds like fun to me :)
I'm glad, 'cause I really wanna get out of the house like crazy and hang out with friends. I think I need it. But hey, everyone does once in awhile.
I've been thinking a lot lately, and honestly, I think I might have to wait to go to college for a little bit. I mean, I thought I was going to get a ton more from my FAFSA form, but I didn't at all. I only got about 4 grand that I DON'T have to pay back, and it's a little over 15 grand tuition. I hope my dad went to see if the VA coudl help out, he thinks I'll have the same benefits as he does - which means it would be fully comped. God, that would be so amazing. I mean, I basically have no income and my mom.. yeah, she doesn't much either. So, really, I don't know what I'll do going to school full-time and balancing work, and agggh. It's something I gotta deal with soon, though.
I just want to graduate and not think about high school anymore. I'm so done with the crap.
Anyyways, well, I might have a car soon. It's the one that's been sitting here in the yard for 3 years. The landlord says it needs a battery, and a checkup (we don't know what's wrong with it at all) and then I can have it for 400 dollars, which seems like a really good deal to me. I need a dependable nice one, and it seems like it sooo it's all good. It's a blue Grand Am, nothing special, but it'll run sooner than later. :D
Well, I'm gonna go blowdry my hair and all that junk. Yep.
Good god, Brutis just farted and it reaks so bad in here. I think I'm going to hurl all over the place. Nasty animal.
It was amazing went to Logans and Nicko and I got on eachothers level and we all watched Bizz consume as much alcohal as humanly possible. Then off to Broadway Bar, and watched him take flaming shooters, lucky bastard he knew I wanted to do that. Oh well :D
So back to his place and we danced with a few people had fun took pictures and wang-chunged it out! All in all, I was left with a hefty hangover and full of happy thoughts. :D
Today went smooth, kinda. I had a pretty lax day went out and got the guys food and then went out and chilled with Thad for awhile. Theeeen back to school to finish up my day with a fight. Yeah!
I'm hungry, a little sleepy and craving some monster. BUUUT I don't even have money for gas and so I doubt I'm gonna get that anytime soon. Its sad but I think I'll manage somehow. *dramatics*
I need to clean my room. Its a bit dirty and I don't like that all to much. I hate having a man and I stay in the same room. I throw my shit around the room enough for the both of us, he doesn't need to join in. Dumby.
Off to go hunt for an extra dollar so I have 5 for gas.
I smell like dirty fryers, and I thought I'd let everyone know. I accidently touched my arm with a fry vat at work tonight. I didn't even know I had to work until Steph called me. Thank god she did, that'd of been twice on a Monday that I didn't come in 'cause I didn't know. Ohhh well. 'Least it worked out.
Well, the roads are pretty icy. Maybe we'll have a 2 hour delay tomorrow. That would be sooo nice, I'd love some extra sleep.. or to just sleep in longer than 7 again. Buut uh, Rockford's Rockford. *sigh* I asked for the weekend after this one off, so maybe I'll go to Holland and stay with Leesh or my dad. I dunno, I'm hoping he's feeling okay by then so I can at least stop by. I think I'll stay with Leesh though, just because it'll probably work out better. We need that girly time, with no obligations, no interruptions, and time to just.. do whatever the heck we feel like. Then I can bring the camera along, 'cause Jim will let me borrow it. Ohh yay. That sounds absolutely amazing right about now - what do ya think, Leesh? :)
I'm feeling like that would make me feel a whole lot more alive at this point in time. I feel like the past week or so I've just been dragging on and on through school, work, and basically everything I do. It sucks, I really hate the feeling, but I can't help it. I think it's 'cause I need my medication again, either that or I was so used to it. I haven't gotten it filled for 2 weeks. Oh well, no big deal.
Anyways, Ooh, I also got my v-day present from Chris last weekend (since I didn't see him on V-day.. nor anytime since then) He got me some silver earrings, kissing dog stuffed animals, and a little jewelry box. They're cute. :)
I was excited. I got him a sketch book and some new sketch pens, which I personally wanted, buuut I'll go get one for myself. :) I need new pens anyway. God, I need to DRAW or something. That's what I need. Maybe that will bring me out of my slump. Gotta channel it all into a beautiful piece of art. Mmhm, sounds good.
Leesh - you, me, photoshop, camera, pencils, pens, props, etc.
I woke up alone, and realizing that even if you were there
I'd still be lonely
Waking up with the smell of coffee and stale cigarettes in an empty room. I never thought revelations would be my downfall.
I lie so I don't have to face what I truely am, and the true issues I am faced with day to day. I've got Samiel on my back and he claws at my flesh but I cover the wonds and if someone were to ask it was a crazy night I don't remember. I'll give you words until I remember what's never happened, and believe it to be true till the day I die. I'm ready to slip into a soft bed of feathers and drift off to figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going. Not to mension it sounds completely relaxing and just amazing through and through.
I miss taking pictures and dancing in the sunlight without caring about a damn thing. I'm ready to devote my life to myself and growing into myself more and more each day. I know it sounds cliche but I really am working on it. Though I've grown complacent about many things I don't think I'll ever grow tired of bettering myself.
I woke up early this morning to clean house, which is now still not up to my expectations. With all the work I did you'd think it'd be cleaner. Damn. Oh well
So I've come to the conclusion I need a camera. I haven't taken pictures in forever, it sucks. I need money. But I don't get paid that much so I don't have the extra moolah to save, apart from bills and food, and rent. Reality sucks
I wish I could go back to when I was little and believed that if you'd just ask for something you'd get it.
---edit---
All I want to do is get out, run. Run as far away as humanly possible. Run from Holland, run from Michigan, even if it was just for a day. My lifes become less of a paradyme thank god for that but you know I just can't live the same way anymore. I want to pack my bags and drive, pick up some friends and we'll all go. Just drive until we're ready to stop. Find a little place and we'll all just chill. I don't want to care anymore and I'm begining to stop in general.
So I suppose I'll just sit here and watch my Golden Girls and keep dreamin.
So keep on pretending
Our heaven is worth the waiting
Keep on pretending, its alright
So keep on pretending
It will be the end of our craving
Keep on pretending
Its alright
I'm missing that connection, that small feeling that begins to grow and over power ever inch of your body. I'm missing him and its pathetic, but we can all aford to be a little pathetic cant we?
I know I'm jumping all over but that's how my minds going right now and well if no one else can understand this entry, at least I can.
Gettin' ready for my journey through the terrible white out. Oh bowling alleys and community service. Pfft.
Oh well the things I do for friends right?
No work today...
I'm going to start looking for a new job. I ripped my boss a new one yesterday after she started screaming and touching me, so I chucked stuff across the building and told her what she can do with her pregnant ass. Don't touch me if we aren't friends. Its as simple as that. But I guess I'll talk to my boss - the other day I filed a formal complaint about the other manager so hopefully that'll be in my favor. No one had a good day with her. 5 people were ready to walk out within a half an hour after her arival.
I better finish up getting ready. Wish me luck.
***edit***
So I'm thinking about getting some sort of green prom dress...green anyone?
***edit***
Man I have the worst headache I think I've had in the past three years. It really sucks, school tomorrow and the weather outside is frightful. I don't see much point in going anyways, its always the same shit day after day. I dunno I've just been in such a terrible mood lately I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
Sooo, I'm in the process of convincing my mom to let me buy an iguana. Kinda funny, haha. I knew she wouldn't want me to, but the thing is that I'd pay for it all. :D I dunno, I'm still bribing her on it.
I found a good deal on craig's list. This lady lives in GR, and is selling her 4 month old iguana and everything that she has for her for 60 bucks. Good deal, I think.
Anyway, I guess I have to work tonight? I didn't think I had to, but oh well. It's something to do - and I get paid to do it. Which is alwayys good. I get paid this wednesday again. I don't think my check will be very good though, 'cause I didn't work at all last weekend and I got sent home early both days this weekend. :/ Oh well. as long as I get 100, I'll be content.
My mom and I have a haircut appointment tomorrow, which I'm hoping to god works out. Curse the weather!! I think I'm really gonna cut off all of my dead hair, from bleaching out the purple. :( I'm getting a longer version of a bob haircut, I think. Then I want some purple added in there again, which totally defeats the purpose of what I went through to get it taken out - but hey, what can I say? I miss having my purple. :) Plus, I think I need new sexy hair, haha.
Anyyyway. I guess I'm gonna go. I need to take a shower, and all that fun stuff.
Though I feel completely humiliated and disrespected I place that smile across my face like I actually think your funny, like your jokes and your sarcastic humor actually humors me in the slightest. I'm sick of feeling like the bad guy, like I'm the only one that feels this complete distaste for you. I put up with you for one person only and I'm begining to wonder if I should even do it for them. Perhaps I should begin to do things for myself and give the rest of the world the finger in return for their responces. I make myself sick, everytime I look into the mirror and realize how truely fake I am. How fake I can be. I do have respect for you but in return of making myself respect you my insides blacken and a horrible ashy taste settles in my mouth.
These feelings I've truely tried to get over. I've tried to repress them until I can no longer see straight. I'm shaking while writing this knowing that people are going to be reading this and find out how I'm truely truely feeling. Streams of tears are cascading downwards, I hate this feeling, I hate it. I didn't want to feel this way about anyone, ever but I do. I'd love to crawl into a hole until I was sure everyone I knew was gone. Cowardly I know but its so hard for me to face people that I know care for me and I'm revealing my true feelings.
I'm glad I have some friends that I know I can say anything to and even if they were mad at me they'd always be there for me. And for that I truely do appreciate them but it is so so hard for me to say any of this. My heart feels like it stopped beating and I have been holding my breathe, I just realized.
I can't stand to be fake anymore, I really can't.
It can't be healthy.
So if anyones cut from my life don't be all to shocked, though you will be surprised at who it may be. I just can't take the stress anymore. I'm sorry I really am. But in a way I am not. In a way I'd feel more so free. And I'll probably end up losing more than just that one person.
Because friends are like dominos - After you knock one down many tumble down with them.
