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2008 22 December :: 9.12am
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: Whatever You Like - TI
Patron on ice, we can pop bottles all night..
Baby, you can have whatever you liiiiike!
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SO! News.
I couldn't take it anymore. 'It' meaning my life.
And I had the perfect plan, but it was taking place too far into the future, sooo I changed that plan. I went and got the christmas present I was going to buy later, but bought for myself last night..
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2008 20 December :: 9.50pm
:: Mood: stressed
I hate all the people who can't drive their cars..
Bitch, you better get out of the way before I start falling apart..
--
Woooow.
What a day. Really. I don't think I've ever had such a busy day at work.
We even ran out of coffee, and if you worked at my Arby's.. well, you'd know that we never have gotten the business to run out of CAFFEINATED.
But yeah, I was stressed to the max. I walked out on everyone, I felt like. But at that point in time.. I just couldn't think to do anymore. I know you've all had the feeling.
I went out with my boyfriend's mom tonight, as his best friend is in town. I felt a lot better after that. We got coffee-drinks, shopped, and gabbed like two.. I don't even know, we just made good conversation. Much needed conversation. I swear, I just don't feel social lately.
Could be all the hustle and bustle of the holiday fast-approaching? I dunno. Whatever it is, it needs to stop. Plus, I think I know my cure for my 'not-wanting-to-be-around-anyone', and that is my best friend, Alicia Marie, and my dad. I cannot wait for my 3-day mini-vay-cay next weekend. Christmas at my daddi-o's, then time with Alicia.
**ALICIA! Clear your schedule!! We're goin' out!!**
I need a cocktail.
In other news, I've got all of my x-mas shopping complete. Yes, everything.
Well, besides my own gift :P I'm ordering that one on Christmas Eve after I pay off my credit card :o Dangerous pieces of plastic, dammitall.
God, 4 days away from Christmas. Time fuckin' flies, I'm tellin' ya.
Dannng.
*end of the day sigh*
Alrighty,
Night-Night. Hillary's hittin' the sack at 10pm.
Over and outie.
**PS: Joey, I completely understand what you mean, man.
Your post says it all, says it ALL.
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2008 17 December :: 3.47pm
Parents?
I'm going to throw a curve-ball at you guys and I want feedback.
Unless it makes you feel icky and uncomfortable - in which case, you shouldn't even be creeping my blog.
How do you feel about your parents?
I know it's a loaded question. I'm wondering how you felt about the way they raised you, their rules, their flaws, their greatest moments and mistakes - and will you take any of this with you when YOU become a parent?
Duh, okay, I know you take some of your parents' tendencies with you everywhere but some people absolutely adore their parents and kiss ass to no end. Some would rather feed their kids tic-tacs for breakfast just because their parents never let them have any.
So are you grateful, or spiteful?
I think I'm a little bit of both, honestly.
(my mom, Lynnette, and step-dad Barry.)
My mom never got along with my dad, ever. What with his cheating and all. So I never spent time with the two of them together. Always back and forth. Always.
My dad got married when I was two and spoiled me because he knew my mom couldn't, being a single parent with two daughters. My mom always used to tell him, "You can't buy her love. She'll grow up and realize."
And I did.
But I also realized other things. Like my mom's drug addiction, her alcoholism, her depression. Looking back now, she made it look so easy, but I can tell it took its toll on her. Now she's divorced for the second time, stays in her room 22 out of 24 hours and regularly engages me in drunken arguments.
My mom was never big on affection or taking my sister Casey and I out places. Most of my memories from my single digit days are of Case and I eating popsicles on our front porch, watching the hot air balloons take off and float overhead.
There was a slew of new houses and abusive boyfriends before we actually got settled and my mom seemed to be consistently happy. For awhile.
My friends tend to love my mom because you can tell her anything and she's super easy going. She'll cook for you and teach you her trade secrets (my mom is an amazing cook), but only if you clean up afterwards. She'll come sit and play video games for hours, pressing other people's buttons and trying to cheat.
Sometimes she'll remember things I like and bring them home from the store, and announce it proudly.
And it hurts because she tries so hard.
(Myself and my dad, Carlos, at my sister's birthday dinner.)
My dad used to be my hero. He would drive anywhere to get me and back, and then back again because I forgot my Simba in his car, and then back.
But always with a smile.
I have baby shoes and letters he wrote me when I was growing up, memories of the toy-room he built for me, so stuffed with toys that I couldn't walk through it. I felt like a princess. But after awhile the Victorian dresses and painful hair-dos, and shiny new dolls got old.
Right about the time I did.
My dad is a Spanish (and also Mexican) Catholic. So I became the antichrist when I let my mother cut off my long hair, when I died it neon colors, when I listened to profane music, and when I got my first piercings.
My ears. Wtf?
My relationship has always been strained with my dad, and it only gets worse the older we both get. I have a 3 hour time limit that I allow myself to see him before all bets are off and the fists come out. My dad's a manipulator, guilt-tripper, and cheater. The first time I ever heard him say he was sorry to me, and admit that he was wrong, was when I walked in on him and his secretary in the living room.
It's crazy not to look up to your parents in some ways. Don't get me wrong, the respect is still there. My mom struggled and raised me fine, and my dad dealt with my step-mom's racist parents. Even though he hid me from her family for years.
But whatever.
When I'm with Emilio or Eliseo or Karis, or Kaleb, and I hear something come out of my mouth that sounds born from my parents, it scares me.
Because yes, they raised me successfully, but not without a lot of trauma and anxiety disorders and obsessiveness.
It's why I always loved Alex's mom - you could tell her anything. And Samm's mom never judges, just always wants what's best for you. I don't envy my parents but I'm grateful for everything they've done for me, good or bad, because I'd like to think I'm a strong individual that could deal with pretty much anything - that I haven't already.
How about your parents?
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xjayk
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2008 9 December :: 12.46am
Maybe its just the season but...
I miss my ritual walk with Hillary downtown and gazing in wonderment at all the christmas lights and though we both felt as if we were freezing we didn't say it, so we could stay out just a little longer.
I miss how everyone once spent hours decorating their houses with christmas lights and decorations.
Everything is wonderful now, it really is I have one of my best friends call me every day and ask me to come over even if we just sit across the table from one another and drink our coffee black because we used all the sugar on the kool-aid binge from the night before.
I have the love of my life sleeping in the bed adjacent from mine, and every night when I wake up randomly he wakes at the same time and says I love you. I don't know how he wakes up when I don't make a sound, but its lovely it really is. Almost four years now and he still gives me butterflies and some of my friends look to me for relationship advice because of how long we've been together and still manage to stay happy. I never know what to say but I take the compliment humbly and just say 'give them space.' No one wants someone breathing down their neck twenty-four-seven. Give'em something to look foreward to. But this isn't relationship hour its just what keeps me happy. I got to see Hilly the other day. It really was the highlight of my week. The years have past so quickly and its amazing we've been together up to the double digits.
Damn we're old.
But at least we're growing old together right?
I think that's what keeps me sane. I don't drone about how much time has past, I like to look at it as an on going adventure with the people I love and as every adventure people come and go.
I like to remind myself of that sometimes when I'm driving alone in my car, radio turned down so I can hear my thoughts more clearly. Like in every movie there's a slow part, perhaps that's just what is happening right now, the slow on going part that seems trivial at the moment but ends up meaning the most at the end. Kind of like foreshadowing. Hillary is in college yeah big woop, nothing else is going on right? Well its the stepping stone to her fufilling her dreams soon. It maybe on going now but one day we'll look back and be like, wow, I really made something of myself.
Its just something to think about.
We're still young.
We're still alive.
We're still dreaming.
I guess that's all for tonight, love you all.
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2008 8 December :: 5.08pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: Dave Gahan - Kingdom
I'm actually feeling pretty good today, among all the other days in which.. well, I didn't.
But yeah. Today's okay. I don't know if it's the holiday-season thing setting in, because usually that puts me in a decent mood. The snowed-in for the night feeling, and the good 'ol hot chocolate to warm up with. Okay, I got it from Starbuck's, but it works!! I think Swiss Miss is better anyway.
I've got most of my Christmas shopping done. Just need to make a few more stops, and then I'm all set. I've spent wayyy too much money. And I think I'm going to start saving up for the camera I want, as a little x-mas present for myself. :P I'm starting to irritate myself with all the sitting and 'not knowing what to do-ing," so I figure a camera will do the trick.
Has anyone else thought about how old we've all gotten recently? I start thinking about it around the end of the year each and every year. I guess it's hard not to. I just feel.. not like a kid, yet kind of like a kid. I'm on the edge, you know? It's weeeeird. I'm in college, I've got a car, I've got a job, and some money, but hey, at least I still live with my mom! It keeps me grounded, haha. Sometimes I just feel like I should have did more to enjoy my childhood. Not like.. 2 years ago, I mean when I was a lot younger. It's just hard to think about when I sit here, and want so badly for it to come back to me. But if things were different back then, then there would be change in the present, and I don't think I'd much want that either. So, I guess I'm at a loss.
I just miss Christmas at Grandma's.
Not the housing-unit she's in now, but HER house. The beautiful red-brick's against the pure white snow. The smell of freshly baked cookies and spiced candles when you walked through the door on Christmas morning. Everyone was happy, everyone wanted to give you the world. No one was hurting in any way, they made it all disappear for that one special day. Presents piled under her signature white christmas tree, with the glistening red lights and velvet ornaments. All the smiles, and the laughter rang throughout. Sitting beneath the tree with my cousins, trying to guess what each present was.
I guess to me, it just doesn't feel real anymore. The only thing I get from it now is a faint feeling sparked from my grandma's warm smile when she greets me at the door of her 1 bedroom apartment. We eat, unwrap the presents, and everyone rushes out. They all have better things to do, I suppose. It just makes me wonder 'what if'?
But hey, things are this way for a reason, right?
I hope so.
2009, please bring me good change.
More of my friends, more of the things that matter, and more unfading happiness.
More of this:
.. If anything at all, just give me something beautiful to grow from the grey.
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2008 29 November :: 11.11am
Do you want to feel how it feels?
Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me?
Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?
It's you and me.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
So if I only could...
You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.
Oh, there is thunder in our hearts.
Is there so much hate for the ones we love?
Oh tell me, we both matter, don't we?
It's you, it's you and me.
It's you and me won't be unhappy.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could, oh...
You,
It's you and me,
It's you and me won't be unhappy.
"C'mon, baby, c'mon darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh..."
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems.
If I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems...
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cjessicapyne
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2008 21 November :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Rihanna - Rehab.
Baby, baby, when we first met, I never felt something so strong. You were like my lover and my best friend all wrapped into one, with a ribbon on it.
I have a ton of things I need to write, but I'm working on dealing with these things I need to type first.
It's easy to set a goal and look up at it, completely ignoring all of the hurdles and obstacles in between. In fact, I've made a habit of it. Because if I let on to myself in any way, I'd never get anywhere.
Not that I've even been moving forward lately.
Just backwards and sometimes, around in circles.
And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you.
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back.
And you're the one to blame.
Is it bad when you finally convince someone to divuldge all of the rotten things they've ever said about you, and you're left expecting worse? Because that's where I'm at.
Like, spot on.
I over-analyze to begin with but now I'm just overboard.
I'm looking at things from angles that shouldn't even exist.
Tilting my head in ways it shouldn't even go.
I'm hearing words and trying to translate them into languages that have long since died.
I try to hold my hands up and say, "no, I don't know what my problem is."
But I do.
Me. I'm my problem.
And these things in my head. Thoughts? Yeah, those. They're a big issue too.
I've lost track of my 'off' button and am left with 'self-destruct.'
But I worry not! I have plenty of people willing to detonate that sucker for me.
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2008 20 November :: 5.52pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Same Mistake - James Blunt
I can't seem to get away.
I have been trying and trying, trying so goddamn hard to get away from the truth that I fear.
I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist again. Last time I did that I got medication that only helped for a month or two. I don't think depression is my problem, and it's scary.
I don't want to know what it is that I've got, because I fear what I have. I have for years. Since everything has happened, and all of these things I notice, I just.. I am scared of myself.
I really am. I don't know what will happen if I let it go again. I don't want to know.
I'm trying to get the nerve to go in, and not for me. Definitely not for me, because if it were up to me I'd let it go until it got too bad. I want to do this because I don't want my relationships to get any more strained, and hard to keep together. It's become hard for me to keep them going. Even with my family. But the one's I care about most right now are Alicia and Shane. My family will always be there to a point, and that is good enough support for me.
My god, I feel so selfish. I've done this over and over again.
Something has to work.
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I saw the world turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go..
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
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My mind is muddy, but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go..
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And maybe someday we will meet,
And maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises because there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
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I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason, but don't give me choice.
Because I'll just make the same mistake again.
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2008 16 November :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: indescribable
There's someone in my head and it's not me.
I cannot believe it. Still. To this day. I cannot believe that I'm comfortable enough to call my dad. So much has changed. I never thought.. No. I really never thought that I would see him. It got to the point that I just.. I didn't see it happening. Maybe once, maybe in the future, but it just seemed so neverending. I thought of him every single day, and it killed me. Now it kills me to walk away, get in my car, and drive the 50 miles back home. It's not far, but to me it seems like a million miles. That infinite amount of miles that had always been between us. I can't begin to explain myself, just as he can't.
We just stand there, stare like we know eachother from somewhere, but can't pin point where we met. It's not awkward. I just don't know who he is.
We hugged when I left on Friday night. I had work the next morning. I felt the tears come up, but they went away. We stood in the drive for about 5 minutes with our arms around eachother. Felt like a lifetime. I just closed my eyes, and traced my memories for another memory similar to the one being made. I can't tell anyone, even myself, how I feel right now. I couldn't tell you if it's good or bad. And really, it has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. I just.. felt like writing about him, because.. well, I can now. Maybe it just spurred a few thoughts, and all of a sudden I felt like typing about him because I guess, well, I feel like I can. We can't make up for all of the lost time, and there's no sense in trying. Sure, I'll talk about my past and he'll talk about some of his. I don't mind. I don't care what he talks about as long as I hear his voice. I was so scared to call him the first time. It's strange, but I was terrified that I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like. Now I can remember. It's gotten so much easier. I just can't believe I am where I'm at.
I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have an amazing best friend, I have everything that I truly want. I'm not entirely content with myself, but I'm working on it. Really hard, actually. Everything is completely different from last year, and the year before that. I'm in college and I hate it, but that's okay. I'll likely live. I want to be a dental hygienist, because I feel like I'll be good at nit-picking through people's teeth. Not really sure if it's what I'll love to do, but I always have my hobbies. And of course, I'll eventually be able to afford a new camera with the paycheck.
I can't wait for Shane to come back home.
I miss him being around. My house isn't enjoyable anymore, and I can't handle it. I just wish it were. I wish things would go back to normal in my head, but they don't seem to want to.
I'll sleep on it again. Maybe things will rearrange. But hey, I've been hoping that for a few years now.
It could be that my sister is living with my mom and I. I love her and my nephew to death. It's just stressful. Have to get away every once in a while, then it's okay. And it really could be that my only brother is facing a minimum of 7 years in prison. Why do things have to happen this way? I never understood why things play out the way the do, and I guess I just dismissed it after it didn't matter anymore. It must be the best, right?
Just have to keep telling myself that, and keep on sleeping on it.
I'll learn to appreciate the way life plays out, and to reason out with myself when I think it's wrong.
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xjayk
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2008 3 October :: 9.40pm
Stoaked!
Tattoo on Sunday! Maybe a peircing it all depends on what Jeff wants to do. Thads getting a sleeve and I'm contimplating where I want to get mine, I'm getting four more so I'm trying to figure out where to put them. :D
I want to hang out with my friends but no ones called me. Lame. I wanted also to get ahold of Hill but I think she's at work right now so that's also crossed off the list. I think I'm going to cut this short because my computers about to die but yes.
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2008 30 September :: 2.35pm
So, I got a tattoo last night. Cool experience, actually. The artist was really nice. It's not what I really wanted in general, but he drew it out for me, and I thought it was neat. It's growing on me, and I think I'm going to add onto it anyways. Tell me what you think.. honestly!!
Anyways, life's been pretty boring as of lately. Just working the arby's, and.. uhm, hanging out with Shane. That's basically it. Cannot wait to go out and do something different for a change. aghh.
well, I smell like stale curly fries and week-old roast beef, so I'm gonna.. well, i'm sure you know the drill.
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2008 26 September :: 6.13pm
:: Music: psycho - puddle of mudd
Maybe I'm the one who is a schizophrenic psycho..
So, I hate this. Well, my one college class I decided to start out with. It blows, fer real. It reminds me wayyyy too much of high school, and that was a major fear of mine when going into college.
Oh well, if I wanna make something of myself, which I do, then I'll have to suffer. Plus, the 3-5 year waiting list to get into the nursing program.. ugh, fuck me. but hey, I guess I can just work, make some money. doesn't sound TOO bad.
Man, I have been in the worst moods lately. Don't know what it is. I haven't been taking my meds like I usually do.. so I dunno. That could be why I feel like ripping everyone to shreds. I'm not usually that bad with this stuff, but dang. I need to calm down, or take a tranquilizer. geesh.
I took about 5 days off from work the first week of October, though. I'm super-excited. I'm going to Holland, staying with my dad. (damn, it feels good to say that) Maybe go to dinner, shop a little bit with Leesh. I dunno, I'm just gonna relax and do whatever I feel like. Besides sleep, 'cause that's all I feel like doing lately. Maybe I'm getting sick, who knows?
Anyways, I'm goin' out to Honeycreek to see my mom, then to meijer's to buy oil for my car that burns it in about 2 days, annnnd then maybeee.. a movie or somethin'?
I'll update this thing more. I actually missed spewing life's events onto it. I feel better already.
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2008 24 September :: 11.34am
Its been some time now hasn't it?
I've been working alot, not only at Meijer (that of which I quit earlier but I'll get into that more later) but also school, floral shop, and in and out of hospitals. Yeah that damn H word again.
I guess I'll start from the top that way it only makes sence. :D
I began working at Meijer durring the summer working about 40 - 50 hours a week which was fine, it was summer after all and I needed the cash. Things went well there and then school came up after working the same amount of hours and school it just didn't pan out so I asked if they could cut my hours which they did, not by much and I could hardly tell the difference but I was also realizing my body wasn't acting right. At first I thought the extreame pain was due to exhausten thinking that I may have overworked myself so I went to the doctor when he told me it wasn't that and put me on Darvocet. The darv. did nothing for the pain and it began to get worse and worse until it would leave me in pure agony, I couldn't move or stay still without being in pain so I returned to the doctor. Apparently, the pain I've been dealing with is more than likely endometreosis, but they wont know for sure until I undergo the surgery. Until then its 1000mg of vicodin every 4 hours and hopefully they'll be able to do something about it. Then it was time for work so I walked up to my manager and explained everything that was going on hoping she would be sympathetic and understand when I say I'm in pain I mean it. She said she understood but last night while I was working I was in such extreame mounts of pain that my vision was impared and I begged her to find a replacement she said no and to take a 15min break, so I did and when I returned to work I dropped. Straight to my knees shaking and she walked right passed me. I called my dad telling him to help and when he showed up to help me I had already put in my two week notice. There was no way I could work like that anymore. No, I can't sit there and take someone ripping out my uterus durring work and then someone try to tell me I'm 'overdramatizing everything.' Sure lady.
So I'm almost done with that place and I'm glad but what can I do you know?
I'm not sure if that made much sence but whateve.
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2008 11 August :: 11.09pm
This has been the most hectic week.
Monday I got my wisdom teeth taken out and it hurt like a bitch. I apparently hold the record of how many times woken up durring a surgery and how much medication needed. Something to be proud of.
Tuesday the Boston family came over. I was in horrible pain but still gave piggy back rides, took pictures and layed out by the pool watching my babies swim. But eventually the pain was too much and I left the marina to go get some pain meds and some much needed sleep.
Wends. I went to Saugatuck with everyone it was a beautiful day and we deffinetly didn't take it for granted. Then back to the marina for some boat rides and sun soaking.
Thursday I got up early to go to work. Afterwards I went home got some shut eye and again out to play soccer and watch the girls dance like Hanna Montana. Their good for a laugh. Marley is a little lady now, nothing like the baby I remembered but she still snuggles up on my lap right before bed just like before. And Abby now she's a spit fire if I've ever seen one. She's insane, but lovely.
All the other days were spent downtown and in Saugatuck along with cookouts and bonfires with singing. I taught the girls songs that our family has sung since we came to America and Michelle finally got some Michelle time. :D We all laughed while the girls sang Brick HOuse and that one song "Lovin' is what I got, I said remember that" I dunno it was an amazing night.
God I can't believe their gone. The days all meshed together so nicely it sempt as if they where here for only a day. The family doesn't seem whole anymore. There's a place missing I can feel it grow bigger the further they drive. Their almost to New York now and things are begining to settle back into the way it was before they arrived. No one talks, we stay in our seperate rooms, and I wont be seen for days at a time, Gary will get angry and mom will shut down, Chrissy will complain in her journal and Alex will play video games. The sun was out today but it doesn't seem to have the same affect without them here to share it with.
One more year
One more year until I get to see my girls faces. Look at my Uncle Bob while he's telling a joke and watch my mother have someone to talk to other than myself. One more year until we're a family again. Until then I'll stay at my fathers with this side. Where dad will sing to Chode Master and Thaddeus and him will form an alliance against me and try to kick me out with brut force only to admit their love for me and let me back in. Where my dad will wake up and look over at me glare then punch and skip away. At least I have a family here. But it wont be the same. It cant be. The people I love the most are gone, gone but not lost I guess. I just have to count the days until I get to spend my week with them once again. Just once.
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