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nothing that has meaning is easy.

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:: 2005 18 October :: 11.45 pm

Ya know for such a spectacular weekend, my week sure is hitting the shitter. :-<
Anyway, i promised i would talk about my weekend, which ill get out of the way first...then the nasty stuff, but i promise i'll try to end on a good note
Friday was probably the busiest day but i can't call one specific day happier/more fun than the others so....anyway....I got home at probably 11ish...the flight was sweet cuz it was short, but i kinda wish i'd had more time cuz i finally got to read a book of my own :-) Hmmm....i went over to ben's and we went to the apple orchard (YAY!), but we didn't go applepicking cuz the wagons weren't out. Which means i didn't get cute pictures of us.....which was the saddest part BY FAR of my weekend. :-( Then we ended up going out to chef's for spectacular food, and to the football game, which sucked horribly. But i did get to see marie and jill so that was nice. That night was awesome, but sadly ben didnt get to sleep over. Saturday was shopping wiht mom which was nice, cuz otherwise i wouldn't have really gotten to see her, then it was late night at the movies with al, benji, monkey, mike, and danel. That was fun, except for an incident with allix. Then it was around the clock and home....with ben. :-) Sunday was really hectic. I got to spend time with ben, which wasn't hectic, but we left too late, got stuck in traffic, i missed my first flight and JUST BARELY got on the last one to marquette. Now i'm no longer allowed to leave on sundays. :-\
Ok...so there was more that's not goin in here, and the way i wrote it probably doesn't sound quite spectacular...but that's ok...you don't have to see it's beauty and greatness...only i do. :-)
And now i don't realy feel like talking about the shitty part, so i'm going to stop here and bid you all a good night.

:: 2005 17 October :: 10.37 pm

So apparently Boondock Saints is an older movie...yet i still have not seen all of it. I am severely procrastinating my paper, but it is not entirely procrastination. I have changed my position on the topic probably 11 times. i'm going to go write it now though...wish me luck...and in a second i will be back to give a full account of my weekend. Alas, my soul is tortured yet again....i must rest....i will recount my weekend, i promise, for it is one i love....just not rigt now, when i am swamped.
goodnight to all i love and to those i do not love....goodnight as well

:: 2005 16 October :: 11.48 pm

i think i just had one of the greatest weekends of my life...except for a minor incident with allix...other than that.........it is definitely in the top 10....actually any time spent with the amazing man known as ben is in some sort of top...but this was excellent.

I will give more details later...i have 2 exams tomorrow and therefore must sleep...wish me luck for oh how so badly i shall need it....goodnight

:: 2005 10 October :: 9.09 am

I had a horrible dream last night. I'm planning a movie night for a bunch of friends when i come home. We're gonna head out to see Elizabethtown and hopefully go out to like Culver's. In my dream, i sent the little invite to Alisha (in real life, i didn't) and she posted it on myspace and all these people i didn't care to see were writing me saying they were gonna be there... :-( Yuck.
I come home in....4 days!!!!! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!! And the weekend is (hopefully!!!) gonna be SOOOOOOOOOO wonderful. Friday is absolutely packed......Apple orchard, dinner with ben, football game, all-night movie fest with ben, and then sleep the morning away at my house. Saturday i want to get my haircut, spend TONS of time with ben, and do the whole movie idea with everyone. Sunday....well i leave at like 7, which means probably 4 from van galder, unless i get driven to ohare, so that sucks cuz i don't really get the whole day, but i want to spend some more time with ben... :-) And somewhere in there, i DO have to spend SOME time with the fam...but i'm not TOO concerned. I cannot WAIT to sleep in my own bed, and SEE MAVERICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss that cat so much. He's pretty much even with ben, maybe a little more cuz i haven't seen him since i left and that was almost 2 months ago... :-( WE HAVE REACHED CHUBBY NAKED PERIOD .......hahahaha. That was completely out of context, but Boucher's "Venus Consoling Love" just came on screen. :-)
On a sad note, ben freaked me out last night. He was upset and was just kinda nasty for awhile until i called him on it. :'-( I don't understand why when he's upset he takes it out on me....i stick up for him no matter what and always try to comfort him....it just made me sad. It just scares me. :-S
In other news, I have a ton of homework and no time to do it....argh. But i think i have a BASIC plan to get it done. It doesn't involve the largest amount of sleep...but that's the price i pay for seeing people, which is perfectly ok. I would take no sleep every time for one extra day to spend with ben. :-)
My sister is here thru tomorrow. It's been fun, but i'm definitely near ready to get back to a normal state of existence. I'm pretty wiped. After this class, bed, and then mythology, and then sis again. Tonight i have to write my cultural event paper (500 or more words....not too difficult), do a government meeting, hopefully talk to ben at least a bit, and finally crash into bed. Argh, and maybe work on my honors paper, because that one is going to be much more difficult. Tomorrow is sleep till the last second, class, sis, skillbuilder, dinner with sis, then goverment and more of the honors paper. Hmmmm i was planning on writing it wednesday...but i forgot that i work from 4-930 and then have government till 10...so there's 6 hours of work down the drain. The next two weeks are definitely going to be trying. I have a test in this class (art) next monday, and pretty much my only time to study is on the plane.......!!!!!!!! Argh. This could be bad. :-| *Caity's stress level goes up a few notches* I wanted to schedule a massage for tomorrow (the school has people giving them) but i dont have TIME......... *tear*. Ok, well now i REALLY need a nap because my muscles are flippin out from thinking about everything i have to do....meow. I wish he would let this class out early sometimes...that would be so nice...just once in awhile....like today would be wonderful. Get a bit of extra sleep. :-)
There's still 30 minutes left...so i'm just gonna keep writing. I don't know if i said this already....i don't feel like going back damnit...but this whole thing just got erased....30 minutes of stuff that i didn't copy just in case it did! ARGH!!!!!!! I don't even remember what i talked about now.
Ahhhh...yea i do...One thing i definitely need to do is laundry. I figure i'll put it in the washer when i get back to the room, and then shove it in the dryer before class. I can then get it after i get back from my sister's, or after myth. I just hope noone throws it on the shelf in there cuz they want the dryer. :-( I hate when people do that...it's not very nice at all. I don't like the world seeing my underwear!!!!
I'm a little hungry....ok, well now its time to go...damnit! Catch ya later! *muah* to the one i love!!!!!!

:: 2005 8 October :: 12.15 am

My heart is breaking apart........it is bursting to full with empty thought that i cannot express. The story is all finished somewhere deep inside....but i have lost the key to that place...again. I wnat to cry

:: 2005 7 October :: 10.59 pm

A single tear slips down her cheek.

fuck, i give up.....i can't write worth SHIT anymore.....

:: 2005 5 October :: 9.10 am

Ok, so I didnt go to bed too incredibly sad. Just more in a missing mood. :-\ Argh. Oh well...now i'm once again just kinda sleepy...i should have gone to bed alot earlier. But i suppose i'm in a better mood. I get to come home in 9 days! And see ben and my kitty and sleep in my huge comfortable bed. I cannot wait. Plus I found another weekend where i can go home before thanksgiving...it's the weekend of the play so i can go see jill and all the other folks....that i suppose i don't really care for, but i'll get to see jill.
My weeks are flying by at the moment.
Tangent - i just went and looked up apartments in paris.... :-) I have a new plan. Since I most definitely want to be out of here in 4 years, I don't think i'm going to study abroad....traditionally. Instead, I'm thinking of going abroad for a month in the summer. I can't say if I'll take classes or not....i feel like i may be cutting out some of the whole point in doing it this way, but it will be better all the way around. Ben said he'd love to come out...i don't know if he'd be able to stay for the whole month, but if he came out for half the time even that would be awesome. One thing i do want to do when i get there is cease speaking english...for a whole month...not hardly a word of english, unless i suppose when i'm on the phone. But i wouldn't want to use the phone too often. I really want to learn french well, and that is the best of way of doing it after i get a good basis in it from class.

I don't know....there are so many choices and i'd love to do them all. If i can, i think i'd like to take at least one class in france....hopefully chemistry, but maybe for a good chemistry program i need a different country....this is nuts. So much to think about. Who knows...doing things off on my own is difficult with a boyfriend, but such is my choice and i enjoy every second of it. :-) heehee.

Hmmm...i want to travel alot when i'm still young. I can pretty much get free flights until i'm 25 i think......and i really really want to keep that up. Because once i pass that point, i'm not going to get the chance again until i retire...what.....35 years later? ick.....thats 35 years without leaving the country... well i suppose not, because when i have children, i really want them to experience other cultures, mainly England, France, and Ireland (which is one place i also want to visit)...oh and Italy. Hmmm....plus my mom has to retire at some point, and though she's gonna keep it up for at least 5 more years, i want to make sure i take full advantage of the priveleges her career gives me. To not take the chance would be stupid. Once i start a career its going to be much harder for me to leave and travel, so i want to do the random things now...and i think a month in paris would be amazing.....kinda like a month at college, but with a whole different culture....!!!!!

Ok, now i'm all excited but i'm not going to go until like 2 summers for now...so i need to slow my craziness....plus class is almost over and i haven't really paid attention at all today.....lol.

so.........i will write later....im hungry. :-)

:: 2005 5 October :: 12.49 am

i hate going to slepe without a smile in my heart

:: 2005 3 October :: 9.23 am

So Art History has become my class for writing in here. We're talking about why there are less men in college than women these days. I think men are just a little lazy. Then again...i'm thinking of Dan. Anyways. I'm kinda tired...i was up till 1, and i REALLY need to stop that on sunday nights, cuz it makes monday morning class REALLY suck. Plus...this class bores my socks off...all we ever really do is take notes...*gag* I DO need to start readin the chapters though. I'm thinking either tomorrow or wednesday i'll head up to the library to slave away at both this class' chapters and robbie's. Both definitely need to be worked on.

In other (more interesting) news, I go home in 11 days! YAY!!!!!! I can see my kitty...and benjamin. :-) (HOPEFULLY) me and ben are going to go apple-picking at Edward's again. I think i'll cry if it doesn't work out...i'm looking forward to that SOOO much. And he wants to go out to coral woods another time! :-) Plus, i'm hoping...ever so much....teehee....that ben can spend one night at my house. Mmmmm...wake up with him in my huge comfortable bed, and proceed to stay in bed for at least a few hours. Sadly though, my tv is up here...ooooooooo we could read in bed...lol. I do that all the time. Well not up here, but i used to. I have to broach that subject with mi madre...another thing i think i'll cry about if it doesnt work out...not really, but i'd be really really sad. :-( Gah, i just want to wrap myself up in him and stay there forever. This college thing is brutal....and i hate talking about it, because then i just get uncontrollably sad and usually cry myself to sleep. I hate being so torn between things i love....it's like a constant torture, acupuncture on the heart. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.................*dies quietly*

Ok, so i didn't really die....but i had you going for a second didnt i??? har har. I'm ever so sleepy. And i want to sleep in my own bed. Maybe i should just give up and go to MCC.......

See there i go, getting all depressed and saying things i could never do. Because i love it here.........sosososososososososososososo much....it's just tortuous right now.

I just keep talking because it helps pass the time much faster. I need a nap. And now i am sad...e.ven though i was very happy while talking about ben just a bit ago. Roar...and i'm writing all choppily because i have to take notes in between this. But luckily there's only 5 minutes left, so hopefully it will all pass quickly.

I'm so in love....it hurts. Growl. I can't even stand it. I wish I could quench it for a little bit, for some little relaxation from this insane amount of love! It drives me nuts sometimes, especially when he's being more boy than love. teehee. :-) But he's so wonderful in his own sweet ways. He's not textbook sweet or cute, but when he does go out of his way to follow all the rules, it makes my heart burst....lol. He's just right. And i don't deserve anything more. :-)

On a growl note, this girl nancy is tlaking class (actually she's not really a girl anymore, she's coming back to school after a 13 year break....which would put her in her 30's...)....and she aggravates me. I can't put my finger on it. I think it's because she seems to think she's above all of us, just because she's older and 'wiser'. She looks at us like we suck....and looks at the professors like she always knows EXACTLY what they are relating......it just makes me nuts...meow. ok im gonna go cuz class is nearly over. <3

:: 2005 1 October :: 4.49 pm

I make ben sad.......

what if he decides i'm not worth it??????????
not worth all the fights and thoughts.....

what am i supposed to do?

I'm going to the pool......i just want him to be happy....with me would be my dream come true....but if i make him sad, what does that say?

I was happy for awhile there....he said he wanted to go do it in coral woods again. :-) He doesn't know that that is my favorite place we ever did it.....so peaceful and fun. But then i opened my mouth with all my stupid thoughts again....maybe i should just keep them all to myself.? i dont know anymore....i go home in 2 weeks...i hope we go applepicking. That was so much fun last year. Just PLAY.

:: 2005 1 October :: 2.15 am

I just wrote a horribly mean entry and now i am making it not quite as mean from cause of better judgement. I have figured everything out. In order for ben to be happy (which is what i ultimately want), i must be miserable and sad, or risk his sadness. So i will sit in my guilt for having fun tonight and cry myself to sleep. Yay. At least he knows i'm home safe.

:: 2005 28 September :: 9.12 am

I'm being a bad kid....lol. i'm in class right now, but we're talking about economics and i don't really care for it. :-0 Smith and Marx and labor just don't quite tickle my pistol. Anyways....nothing much is new. I found a GREAT LDR site, with ideas and support. Once i'm outta class, i'll post the link on here for anyone else to see. I'm really tired. Me and Leah were up till about 1 talking. I don't know when the hell i'm gonna get my homework done today. I have to be in bed way before 2...that way i can get 8 hours of sleep at least. But i have class from 1-240, then i work from 4 till 930, then a house gov. meeting from 930 till hopefully only 10. And I'm HOPING by that time, i'll have enough energy to stay awake, read the bible (it's an assignment, and not all of it), take a quiz (which should take at least half an hour to an hour), fill out a crazy worksheet (this is not your 3rd grade fill in the blank either), and work on my Lysistrata project. :-( And so the drowning begins. I'm rather proud of myself, though...i didnt start drowning until what, the 4th or 5th week of classes???? that's pretty good....and i THINK i can catch up this weekend, i just really have to work at it. I dont' work this weekend, so i should have plenty of time. Alright, i should probably go back to paying attention....bye bye.

:: 2005 27 September :: 1.53 pm

My frustrations and sadness are boundless. I'm going to do the whining a bit first because i don't like that stuff and then i can move on to the happy. Alrighty, this past summer and all of last year, i was sad alot because there would be whole days where ben didnt call me or we didnt talk. I hated it because i always wanted to talk to him, but he was busy, he had work and friends that required him....understandable. So basically, if he didnt talk to me or see me for a day or two, it was fine with him. But now i constantly feel guilty for coming up here to go to school because he's sad that he can't just call me and see me whenever he wants. Whenever he says that, it's like a knife stabs through my heart. I KNOW it's a big change, I KNOW it hurts....but telling me how much it sucks just makes me not want to be here. And that hurts. Because i LOVE it here. I'm away from ashley, away from joseph, away from sam, away from my brother, away from my dad. And yes, i'm away from ben. I knew it would be hard. but i've been doing ok....i keep myself busy, i talk to him on the phone and online, i say goodnight to him 'through my cat' every single night. I post pictures of him all over the room. Yea, i'm incredibly jealous seeing all the cutesy couples everywhere. But i'm OK. Ben doesn't seem to be ok. Which i don't get, because he was the one who figured we'd only talk once a day, maybe only every other day. And i just don't know what to do. I try my hardest to be online alot and call him all the time and send packages...well package...he didnt even like it...it made things worse i guess. I don't know what else i can do. I can't come home all the time. I have no way of getting to the airport unless i take a creepy taxi, and i don't want to be one of those kids who goes home every weekend. I'm trying to make it so i can see ben every 2 or 3 weeks. That's ALOT more than we were planning on to start. And then i nearly killed him by saying i wanted to go abroad for a semester.....

Argh...here's a good way of summing it up ....question of the week.
I don't want to make ben sad.....but does that mean i must sacrifice MY OWN happiness??????????????????????????? :-\

Ok, now for the happy, because that is just frustrating and i feel like i'm running in circles with it....someone please post a reply and give me some feedback before i go insane....looks like i'll be heading for some LDR support message boards after this.....
Anyway....ben came up this weekend. That was SPECTACULAR!!!! except that we had a little too much sex and ended up VERY sore....lol
It was so nice and my whole room still smells a little like us. Not sexually...just our combo of smells....like how everyone smells a certain way...? Relaxation was defintiely the key....we watched movies and made food and pretty much didnt venture out of the dorms AT ALL....i didn't care...as long as i was spending time with him. He even took me out to eat...which rocked....he's so damn sexy. :-)

In other things...i got a b+ on my honors paper....which some would consider bad...but this is psycho robbie goodrich honors......so a b is DEFINITELY good....plus he grades 'holistically'....we'll see how THAT turns out. K, well the showers finally open (damn our suitemates take long ass showers) so i'm gonna go do that before class. *muah*

:: 2005 19 September :: 6.04 pm

Ok...so i'm retarded.........its not 19 months...its 21. :-\ Oops. I was counting from 10 instead of 12. This is what happens when a sick caity writes at 4 am...teehee.

:: 2005 19 September :: 3.44 am

It's 3:44 am....do you know where your pillow is?? i clearly dont. Not really....i'm quite sick at the moment, though i am currently feeling a little better, so i will make this short before all the meds wear off and my body still avoids sleep. I've just got a sinus infection, one i seem to get every fall and every spring...this one is just particularly bad. Oh well....i'll live.
College is going well. We sold grilled cheese this weekend for our house and raked in over 350 dollars in profit. Pretty damn spiffy for 3 days. The only sad thing was that it made me want to be drunk...just for the fun of it. The happy, carefeeness that comes with intoxication. But i can't go out and party...not htat i really want to do that...beer and keggers just aren't my thing...however my friend amanda says there is a pretty decent beer i should try some time....its not as crappy as bud and miller. I just want to get a bunch of girls together and get a little sloppy...maybe go down to the beach and sit in the sand and watch the waves lap at the shore. Nothing crazy, nothing partyish, just a little happy drunk without worrying about anything. Am i obsessed with the idea? nah...if it doesn't happen, i will live. I think i just want it now because i saw all the happy drunks during grilled cheese sales, and i just remember that feeling...lol. But its certainly not a need...and i've been doing pretty damn good...i haven't a single drink since i got up here...and it's been nearly a month. :-) One thing i'd love right now is a rum & coke...the way megan or erin would make it for me...or that bartender at nick's wedding....easy on the coke :-P Ok, thats enough about alcohol...maybe me and leah will find someone 21 and have them help us fuel a girls night in.... :-D

Speaking of leah....justin's been cheating on her...for pretty much a month. I don't really know what to tell her. She was ok with it all day today, but she talked to him tonight and she's not quite as well off. I know the feeling, but i've never been in that bad of a situation...I think they're going to still be friends now...maybe? I'm not really sure...she finally fell asleep about 20 minutes ago which is really good. I gave her one of my sleeping pills as well...theyre just target 'sleep aid' pills, but they're proving to be wonderful (well, so far...htis is the first one i've ever taken and i'm getting quite drowsy here). I tried coming up with a detached way of looking at the situation....and the only thing i think i could tell her now is that maybe everyone deserves a second chance? Without that little piece of information, me and ben certainly wouldn't be where we are today....but now we've both used up ours....so that could get tricky if things ever go sour again...which i hope they never EVER do. So i guess i will just try to comfort leah a little and help her out however possible....i know it says to get a life outside of your roomate, and i kinda have...but leah is awesome...i hope we room together next year, in this same room, hoping that we never fight bad enough to despise each other not to. We get along well and so far haven't abused each other's boundaries at all...I guess we'll see how this year goes.

K, one last thing, and then i promise i'll go to bed. Things with ben are going much better...i'm still a little sad/worried that someday i won't be enough for him, but i can't let that get in the way of our relationship....and i'm not really worried taht much. I was just crazy-flipping out last time....sleepless and paranoid. :-)
The only 'tearing up my heart' issue now is that we don't have as much of a sexual relationship....and that really sucks. Is sex the only part of it? Nah...but we're both REALLY sexual and to just cut that off is awful...and there's not really much we can do about it. Argh. I just hope he's willing to stick it out with me and fight until we can be together permanently....that's a long way off...but i'm damn willing to tough it out...he's just worth it.

Oh...ONE last thing...i miss maverick..i guess he stll cries through the house occasionally...i can't wait to see him....its not as bad as missing ben, but it's like a different missing....mavy is my best friend who i can cry on and who slept with me every night and took the space buddy couldnt fill when speedy died. And i don't get to see him for another 4 weeks still.... :-( Coming to college was the best thing for me, yet it's tearing me up inside. ARGH.........i wish things could just be easy...i'm sick of having to sacrifice my heart. But hopefully one day, it will all be okay...maybe junior year i can get an apartment up here and bring mav and buddy....and maybe ill go to illinois for grad school...i just have to find one with a good chem master's program. We'll see...it's all very far away...but at the same time, i know it will pass quickly.

ONE LAST THING......holy shit...tomorrow is me and ben's 19 month anniversary...it doesn't count for much since we haven't really counted the months since the first year passed...but thats a really long time...by far the longest relationship i've ever been in....and i love every second of it. Yea, there's been a lot of pain, but there are so many happy moments, that the pain just seems like a little prick in paradise....ok, finally.........good night to all.

:: 2005 15 September :: 3.24 pm

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.............................

I just paid my verizon bill and *started* to pay off my 450 dollar credit card bill.........i have 60 dollars in my checking account now....and no source of income...i dont care if i have to work in the fricken dining hall.......i just need money!!!!! SOOOO bad. Not for clothes or perfume...but just to SAVE>.....i wanted to take ben up to minnesota....... :-(

:: 2005 15 September :: 2.33 am

To top this all off....even through all the past (following is how you will read it) worries, i am counting the days.......only 7 left now...until i get to see him, hold him, kiss him, hug him, love him in person, since my faraway gifts and words do little. I can only hope that it will be as good as i wish for..... <3

:: 2005 15 September :: 1.57 am

wow i cant sleep. I crawled into bed and started freaking out, and so now im on here and i dont know what to write...its 2 am...i should definitely be in bed. I think i'm just stressed...and cold...and on my period. Everything is flippin me out right now...school, my very far away house, ben, the thing we have planned, my not so far away future, im shivering. I'm just gonna blab....because i need sleep and i figure the only way im gonna get any tonight is to get everything off my chest.
School.........i'm not the smart one anymore. That terrifies me. I'm writing papers that CAN'T be crap. My normal, run-of-the-mill paper just doesnt cut it anymore. It scares me...i know just enough to get by right now...i'm not used to that. And there's ALOT of homework.
That leads to the second thing...time. Right now, i'm ok...i can talk to ben alot, do extracurricular activities, and still get my work done...but i think that's gonna be changing quickly. The homework is starting to pile up a bit. More papers, more to read, more to comprehend. I worry that time is going to start getting away from me. Which leads to my biggest freak out at the moment - ben. Not anything he's doing, just me freaking out like always. I worry...wow about alot. I worry about when it's going to be that i can't talk to him for more than an hour (maybe) a day because of homework, I worry about having the knowledge to know that i need to stop and get my homework done. My biggest fears right now are with us and the both near and far future. We're planning this thing and, not that i want it to stop, but certain aspects scare the crap out of me. My biggest worry - that i'm going to become boring to him or that he may decide that he needs to experience more. Even now, i feel the constant underlying pressure to keep him intrigued....like i need to keep coming up with new tricks, to sate his ever-growing sexual appetite...now he's talking to kath all the time and the only way i get his attention is to call him hot or say somehting sexual. Not always but often enough that this week it is flip-out moment numero uno. What if i get too boring?? What about when, way down the line, assuming all turns out well, our sex life slows down? What if i'm not enough for him anymore? What if one isn't enough? WHat if after this, normal sex just isn't good enough? Is our sex life our only glue? When we talk online, unless i'm talking about sex, it's hard to keep his attention...i try discussing other stuff, which works for awhile, but i feel like to really keep him interested, it has to be sex....what about all the other stuff.? Is he bored even now? Kath has his interest, has Shakespeare given to her....not the biggest deal, but i can't help but be jealous...they joke and play and i struggle sometimes to get more than 'oh' or 'ah' out of him....what have i done wrong? Is he angry with me for moving away? What if when he comes up here, all he can think about is our upcoming plan?? Will that be the entire focus of sex?? Will he not be able to orgasm unless he is describing in detail, in my ear, exactly what he is going to do that weekend/weekends? Will sex be awkward? Will be able to sleep and talk and relax? Will the sex be anything other than hard and kinky?? Can we have unkinky sex anymore??? After this plan, will i be enough to sate him? Will i truly ever satisfy his desires? I feel so helpless up here....so out of everything. And i worry so much more....do i still want to carry through with our plan? of course...it's hopefully going to be alot of fun...its just the before and after that terrify me sometimes....all the little things that could change my life.
He says he wants to propose to me....not quite yet, but eventually, only a little way down the road here. I want to just fall into that dream, but i CAN'T let myself do that, not until he honestly promises me forever...and then what is forever?? What if he really gets bored?? is he always gonna be so sexual? What if i just can't keep up? What then? I'm scared....not alot, though from this it probably seems so. tonight wasn't even that bad...he's sick so he's not the most upbeat, but our conversation was fairly good....it just scares me when i run out of things to say to him....watch him furiously type back and forth with kath as i wonder what theyre talking about for hours on end....like we used to do all the time. It just bugs me sometimes, like now, when im overtired adn gushing blood from my body. :-( I flip out and overanalyze, but i just can't help it. I'm so afraid of being hurt again, and i know he talks to kath about that and says he doesn't want to hurt me...i believe it....i'm still just afraid....i think i'll be slightly afraid until the day before i die.

This whole thing makes it seem like he's been awful...and he hasn't. I sometimes wonder what he's thinking, and i wish he'd be more open with me, sharing ALL his troubles, but that's not who he is. I don't know...this isn't helping, cuz now i'm crying on top of flipping out. I hate being away from him. I hate that i love it up here. i hate that i worry so much about my future, but i want it to be everything i dream of. i want to not be jealous all the time.

Please don't htink that this entry means me and ben are in shambles or anything...we certainly aren't. This is just every little fear i have, personified times probably a hundred because im thinking so hard and so fast. I just love him so much...i sometimes wish i didnt, because it would make the distance, the uncertainty, easier....but i do....it drives me crazy. i think about him constantly, what he's doing, where he's at, i worry about him, i say goodnight to him every night before i go to bed in the small hope that somehow he can hear me.
Once again this entry has become all about ben...then again, in this entire journal, theres probaly only a handful of entries that don't include him. And now, i'm still freaking out a bit, still crave his voice, still can't get to sleep....and i've been writing nonense for nearly half an hour. I just hate not knowing. I hate not knowing if saying something could throw the entire world off its axis.....
I wish my life were a little bit easier more often....but as Shakespeare said, "the course of true love never did run smooth." And so it hasn't....love has thrown me more happiness and heartache together that i dont know what to do...i've only learned to not expect anything. All i can do is love.

this really hasnt helped. And now i'm sure after readin this, he will try to make me feel better by reassuring me...but that's not what i want. That just makes me feel bad for feeling the way i feel. Best to just leave it alone, let it simmer, maybe acknowledge that he knows whats up, but no more than that. I know he loves me....i just have to wait and see how everything else plays out.
Here's to a pretty sleepless night....and the deepest love a girl can ever have for a boy. :-)

:: 2005 12 September :: 11.24 pm

Ok, so that was the bad from today...i guess i'm making a weak attempt to make myself feel better by going over the better parts of this week...
Other than today, things are going pretty well between me and ben. It gets hard when i get to missing him like i did today...but it's dealable, and i get to see him in 10 days, which rocks! Dead River games were this weekend...they were awesome! I got to lay at the bottom of a 6 foot ladder and have someone at the top scoop ice cream into my mouth.......needless to say, most of it ended up everywhere but!, however, the guy did finally manage to land a scoop in my mouth, allowing the next of 5 people to go! teehee. haven't gone cliffjumping in awhile...however, i think towards winter (not actually IN winter) black rocks (where we jump) or just the beach itself will be a nice place to read, write, study, relax, etc. The view is GORGEOUS!!!!
We're finally meeting more people on our floor/in our house. I don't know if i mentioned it yet, but i made house president, which rocks my world. I'm not totally sure what it all entails yet, but so far it hasnt been difficult at all! :-)
Classes are going pretty good, except i had to attempt to read the entire Iliad this weekend....yea that definitely didnt happen.....but close enough i guess! Oh well...its not like we'll actually end up discussing it in class. Hmmmmm...well thats all i can really think of for now, so i guess ill add more as i think of it, or just save it for enxt time......night!

:: 2005 12 September :: 11.12 pm

I'm very sad. Today was just not a good day....classes were okay, but ben was just crushing...
The whole week, he's been online near constantly to talk to me, and i've been heartbroken when i've had to get offline, either for class or some activity or bed. And today, i had all this time off, so i went home and got online right away, assuming he'd be home soon to talk. I waited...and waited. And when dan finally came on (or rather, alisha) he didnt even say anything to me until after i'd gotten back from dinner. And i MISSED him SOOOOO much today. And i made him this supercute package, spent so much time making it...i had to remake the cd 3 TIMES, because the cd got scratched the first time, and it didnt' work right the second...got him a teddy bear that has a voice recorder so i could leave him a cute message, a tshirt with my perfume all over it, and when he came online, he didnt even mention it......! when i finally asked, he said it was 'crazy alot'......and finally at least said it was cute. I was looking forward to his reaction from that all day...i just need to stop getting my hopes up. I'm just sad....so i'm gonna go now

:: 2005 5 September :: 11.34 am

I wish i was home.

:: 2005 4 September :: 1.17 am

Lalalala....i haven't really had much of a chance to write in here lately, and with homework and everything, i probably will only GET the chance on the weekends.....which are excellently 3 days long! heehee. In recent news, I made have found a job at the Y a little ways off campus (15 minute bike ride), teaching swim lessons for up to 11 dollars an hour. That would totally rock my socks off because it would be SO easy...i think...and i've technically had 3 summers of experience, so i'm hoping i have a chance at it. I made house president, which pretty much means i'm in charge of getting activities organized and lettin people know about them. Plus on top of that, i'm also now considered part of hall government, because house presidents have to attend the meetings......i figure it will look SWEET on my resume for clubs and stuff! Oooooooo...Ben came up to visit me wed night/thurs!!!!!!! It was the greatest thing EVER. I hadn't been feeling good AT ALL....in fact its still 'wearing off', so he came up for hte night to sleep and comfort me. It made my week and now its only 19 days till i see him again!!!!!!!!!! The greatest thing is that my bed still smells like him...not just his cologne,but HIM....that smell that is unique to every person alive. :-)
I finally got started on my book...started as in more than 1/4 of the way into it! It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good...i love it and now it's damn near impossible to put down, even when i'm exhausted! I'm going to be really sad when i finish it, because its probably gonna be another year or 2 before the 3rd one comes out....
Ben just called to say goodnight....i think thats one of my favorite parts of hte night...even though we talk online...hearing his sleepy voice right before bed is one of the most relaxing things i can think of.
Speaking of ben, we talked about marriage a few nights ago. He plans on marrying me, but it's on hold for a little longer (till summer or next winter or somewhere in between). I wanted to be crushed by it, but it feels more right to do it like that. If he had asked me this winter, i would have said yes in an instant, but in all reality, i don't think i'd be as ready as i want to be. It's really kinda a scary thought, because...im marriable...i don't know. It's not an absurd idea at all, to be marriable, but to feel like that dream is actually starting to root itself into the ground, instead of floating out in the air, is a big thing to swallow. It does scare me a bit...as most stuff dealing with ben does, just because im always a little uncertain with things...i can only hope that they continue to go as well as they have been. Our conversations have been whole-hearted and truthful, not sparing words in any way shape or form. i'm so in love that it sometimes makes me weak.........just so happy and blissful...sometimes i feel bad about that though...because everyone around me is not so happy, and they ask why i am.......but i don't know how to answer it. Me and ben talk and trust and just love each other with all we have i guess. We respect each other and pretty much have made everything equal....its the greatest thing. I love it and i love that man with my whole heart (well maybe a little chunk out for maverick..... :-P) sorry had to be a little goofy there. Alright, well i'm off ot bed...oh, last thought of the night...cliffjumping was alot of fun, i actually went again this morning with a few more people...it was absolutely FREEZING, but it was awesome.

19 days till i get to see ben for a whole WEEKEND!!!!!! <3 night night

:: 2005 29 August :: 12.19 am

Today was an okay day...well wait, let me back up. I got all moved on thurs, and have spent the weekend hanging out with my roomate leah and trying to meet some fun people. So far it's going alright, but i wish we could meet more.
I found out that as of now, i don't have a job... :-( They hired all the lifeguards way early...so now i have to scavenge and try to find something! But so far the school is really awesome and the people, for the most part, are great. They're all really nice and i'm finding SO many people who don't drink/party!!!! that makes me so happy because it'll be 20 times easier to avoid parties if i hang out with people who hardly ever go to them!
Oooo i get to go cliff-jumping tomorrow!!!! I went to the football game tonight...by the way, NMU is NOT that good at football...it was REALLY depressing because i was so looking forward to being all into the cheering scene, but its not like that at ALL... However, i met these two really nice guys who were sitting behind me and lauren (my roomates best friend). I was a little wary of them at first but they both have girlfriends, which is nice because i don't have to worry about them being all flirty with me. They were really funny and theyre actually who i'm going cliff-jumping with tomorrow...i think i'm taking my suitemate, jamie, and leah with too! I'm so excited that the guys have girlfriends....i was afraid they were gonna be all over me...but i got lucky...the one guys name is ben, so i could immediately affirm that i was taken...i just mentioned that that was my boyfriends name too! heehee. The one (andrew) is so cute about his g/f! Theyve been together about as long as me and ben, and he misses her SO much! It made me sad, cuz i thought of ben..
But hopefully i get to see him in 3 weeks instead of 6!!!!!! oh...actually its 4..i counted wrong...but the first one is getting started, so hopefully they pass fast. Actually it's not a sure thing that he'll be up here....leah's leaving for the weekend, and we figured we would try to stagger it so we got 'alone time' with our respectable men. Hopefully he can come up...i miss him SOOOo much! I get incredibly jealous all the time, because there are all these couples walking around campus.... :-( But it's making me appreciate the time we've had together so much more...for now all i have is pictures!
Alright, well i'm gonna go read my book for a bit...i finally got started on it!

:: 2005 24 August :: 11.56 pm

I leave in a few minutess, but i wanted to write anyway. I talked to ben about the partying/drinking thing and i feel SOO much better about the whole thing. He said i can drink if i want to and i can go to the parties......which in my mind gives me alot more reason not to. :-\ Before i felt almost like he was putting me on a leash...which was why i was going to nmu in the first place...to get off every leash i've been on my whole life. But by him telling me it was ok (just that if i messed up, no chances, it was over), i won't feel 'naughty' for going out to a party, and if i'm out with a few girls at a fun party, i can have a beer (and that's the limit i'm giving myself...) without having to freak about it. I don't know...it made me feel like he trusts me enough to go out on my own, so now i don't feel as much of a need to....it's kinda stupid, but now i'm happy. I don't feel the NEED to drink or party....i don't really know how else to explain it. But by trusting me to make my own decisions, ben pretty much gained every ounce of my trust and love i could give. :-)
However, it was hard to say goodbye.......which i won't go into because i'm determined NOT to cry like a little girl... :-\ I'll miss him this next 6 weeks and i CAN'T WAIT till i can see him again....but i think it will all be good, as long as we act like adults and just love each other and communicate. Alright, well my mom is getting ready so i'm gonna go. Wish me luck...!

1 flame | light a fire

:: 2005 24 August :: 12.29 am

Hmmm so i should be reading my book, but i wanted to check email and such, so I somehow ended up here and i may as well update......i leave in exactly 23 hours and 30 minutes. :-\ I'm excited, but sad at the same time. Me and ben got into a discussion about me drinking up at school tonight. I'm not going to drink unless i'm with a bunch of girls.....which is fine, i'm just having a really hard time adjusting to the whole idea. To be quite honest, before me and ben became more serious, college was going to be alot of drinking and sex for me. I planned on partying a good amount, while still keeping grades in check. But now i can't do that. And it makes me kinda sad, because it's made me lose alot of the fun i had towards drinking........so now right when ben is getting into the whole drinking thing....i'm going out of it. I don't know....I'll certainly stick to it, because that's how much i love that man......damnit, i'd do anything for him...i guess i'm just frustrated, especially since his parents are going out of town next week and they all get to hang out and drink..... :-\ My biggest wonder is if he'll ever trust me to control the world around me enough to let me drink when i want....

So other than that, everything is good. And i know that seems like a big deal cuz i wrote alot about it, but it's more of i just don't know how to adjust........i have to go from wanting to drink every other weekend or so, to hardly ever wanting to drink anything at all. It's a pain in the butt. The plan right now is to nap after my doctors appointment tomorrow, then see him until 10 to 12...when i drive home to leave for school.
Argh...rachel kramer (matts sister) just imed me (i have NO clue how she got my screename) saying she wants to show me around, how to have a good time, when i get up there.......but i can't do it! Arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (yea im a pirate). I guess i'll have to talk to ben.....maybe he'd let me do something like go and just not drink, or just have one beer the whole night.......i dont know.......i want to have fun, but I don't want him to worry......i really don't knkow what to do.
Anyway....i'm gonna go finish packing.....then read a bit of my book. I know the drinking thing will sort itself out, so i'm not too worried about it...if anything, i just won't have much fun for awhile.....but ben's well worth it....ngiht night

:: 2005 21 August :: 12.27 pm

Lalalala.......i went out to NIU with marie last night to see her dorm...they seem REALLY small compared to ours. Our rooms seem much more open...but i guess we will see. It was kinda fun...except we were gonna go talk to joseph for a bit but he called me a bitch and was in hampshire, so that kinda killed that. Then we were gonna go see two of our friends, josh and matt, but marie couldnt remember which room they were in and i didnt have either of their numbers with me, so we ended up just hanging out and talking in her room.
I'm kinda worried alot about kelly. She broke up with Mike last night and when i called her, she sounded quite a bit tipsy and was out with a bunch of guys. Im gonna call her before i head out to work (i figure if she DID get drunk, she probably slept in late), but i'm afraid of what i may hear. I just hope she didnt get herself into too much trouble.

I'm ALMOST done packing..........i just have to do my clothes....and i haven't decided if i like that or not. :-) heehee. I packed a bunch of the stuff into the car already, so that i can spend this week with ben and friends. :-)

Oooooooooooooh...........in my last 3 days at chef's, i made over $250 in tips!!!!! YAY! That fixes (for the most part) my worries about the fact that my last check is now going on 2 weeks late! i really hope i get it before i leave......that would make everything SOO much easier. We'll see though...if not, i guess i'll live.
I'm a little concerned though...i applied for a job lifeguardign and they haven't called or anything..i think i'm gonna call them tomorrow, just to check.
Alright, well i'm outta here....gotta go take a shower before work...and i guess i'm going out to paige's apartment tonight...later.

:: 2005 20 August :: 12.32 am

Personal note/advice to anyone who's sweetheart is a million miles away...

Watch a movie or tv show together....sync the movie and be on the phone so you can both watch it at the same time........would work incredibly well for me since me and ben both have verizon and theres free IN calling...if not that, then get mics and do it over the computer!
:-) just one more thought to survive the next year...

:: 2005 18 August :: 12.18 am

I'm in a sad sort of mood tonight...and i don't know why. Today was generally a good day. Only had to work for an hour, got to go shopping, go to see ben, didn't argue too much with my dad. But for whatever reason, i am very sad...cry into a pillow until i can't breathe sad. :-\
I've been pretty stressed out lately, which is why most of the last entries are sad/complainy. When i AM happy, I don't have time to stop and write aobut it, i'm too busy enjoying the moment. Plus, even if i wanted to stop and write, with shopping and everything right now, i'm insanely busy. But there have been happy moments that deserve mentioning:
I got to go by my sister's for my nephew's 6th birthday party. That was SOOO awesome. That kid is ADORABLE and he completely adores me. :-) And he's wicked smart. HAHAHAHA........he literally knows my grandma as 'bad grandma'!!!!!!! That's what my sister taught him! Kinda mean, but she is a coniving old woman. (my grandma not my sister)
I got my official letter stating leah as my roomate. I'm really excited about that.
I got my own phone...its got a camera and its all colorful and i love it!
Ben...pretty much every second i spend with him. Things have been really good lately, we're talking and having fun (tonight for instance, we made an impromtu run to LITH for milkshakes...which ended up being disastrous, because rachel oleskow...who happens to be one of his exes that didnt end so smoothly...was there) (that was a very long parenthesesed statement........and i dont think parenthesesed is a word...) (i mean a statement in parentheses)...hmmm is anyone else confused?

Alrighty...well i have to be up in like 5 hours so i'm going to go to bed now...everytime i say 'i want to go to bed', i simultaneously think 'i want to go to ben'...just because they sound so close...but oh i want that so bad sometimes...for those statements to mean the same thing! :-)

night night...my mood has improved a bit...but now i have to go clean my bed off..... :-\ shopping has its drawbacks :-)

1 flame | light a fire

:: 2005 9 August :: 10.25 pm

:-( More stress.............argh i just want a fuckin hug

:: 2005 8 August :: 11.22 pm

Im in a crappy mood today. Not even ben could talk me out of it. :-( Bad moods suck. I did get alot of my stuff packed up for school....i gave up on my mom helping me out and just went and bought most of the rest of the stuff myself. I don't like spending money.
Ben, it is preferential (if i used the word right) that you do not read the rest of this...but you probably will anyway........
I'm frustrated.......or rather, confused and battered. Or maybe worried is the right word..i dont know. It's not even about me. I'm i guess worried about ben....but i don't know what to do about it. He's been in love with this girl since (i think) he met her. And although i know he'll never stop loving her, i've just pretty much come to terms with it. Now it seems that she is with mike......who happens to be one of ben's best friends. :-( I want to know if he's hurting over this....well i take that back....i know he's probably hurting alot over this...but is there even anything i can do??? Do i ignore the whole thing? The whole situation has thrown me for a loop....i want to be there for him, but i think this is one situation where i CAN'T. :-\ I want to hear some opinions on this one........leave me a note.

As for the rest of the world....everything revolves around chaos right now. I'm trying to stay afloat money-wise, and even though my dad is saying he's going to give me a bunch of money, i don't know if i want it. He's telling me there are TERMS to this deal. :-< Grrr
Summer is coming to an end, but it's got to be the BUSIEST end EVER. I'm going to be taking a whole bunch of extra hours at both the pool and at chef's, i need to pack everything up, meet with kathy, talk to my sister, try and spend plenty of time with ben, and hopefully somewhere in there get some sleep......
But on the plus side, I've survived one more day!
All i REALLY want right now is someone to hold me and let me cry.......i don't like bad moods......good night. :-(

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