xsilentxsuicidex
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2004 21 November :: 1.45pm
:: Mood: Alone.
:: Music: Breaking Benjamin- So Cold
I'm fucking sick of being alone..
I hate sitting here, on the verge of tears. I wish it wasn't so fucking hard for me to be happy.
I wish I was beautiful... It seems my looks tend to be the center of my sadness. It's wrong to hate yourself, but it has been that way for me my entire life. Even in my care-free elementary school years, people taunted me, and called me fat or ugly on a daily basis. Hell, I even remember being called ugly in PRESCHOOL. This was the beginning of my downfall. It's sad, how something so seemingly innocent as a group of 8-year-olds can turn someone into a person like me... Being alone makes me feel like I am nothing. Being alone makes me feel ugly and unwanted. I want more than a day to go by where I don't have to fake at least one smile. It's pathetic.
Why is it so fucking hard for me to be happy?
1 Heart |
Broken Hearts
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2004 20 November :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: Lonely.
:: Music: Eminem- Just Lose It
Well, today. Woke up, and straightened my hair. :D I like it.
Talked to Dave for a long while about some nice Dave on Luis on Ian on Ville Valo on a whole bunch of other guys action. Noice.
Then Steffeh came over and we hung out. And the Melosh family came over for dinner, and then Amy's in from Connecticut. I think Calvin's spending the night.
Right now I am veiwing Dave's webcam. I freakin' love this kid.//Plus, he's wearing eyeliner from his play earlier. ^___^ Squee.
I think I'll go for now. Just updating my journal 'cause I'm bored...
And I feel lonely... =/
I'm so tired of being alone...
Broken Hearts
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2004 20 November :: 1.28pm
:: Music: Trust Company- Downfall
Wen to the Hoggard game. Without Andrew.
I'm sore. I got pushed off benches 3 times. Each time, I landed on my back. I think I might try to straighten my hair right now. I guess I'll update later.
Had two weird dreams, which scared me because I sometimes have premonitions. I don't think they'll happen, though. I really hopel not.
Broken Hearts
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2004 19 November :: 5.00pm
:: Mood: Pretty good.
:: Music: Crossfade- Cold
Turns out teh Dana got an A in Language Arts :D ...So, in general, my grades aren't too shabby.
Yes, I know. You're all wondering "What the Hell... when did Dana start worrying about grades?" I'm really not too sure myself.
In Mrs. Yeoman's class today, we were sewing... I sewed my fingers together. They kind of hurt now, because I ripped the string out, but it was cool. Sang the Silent Night solo in chorus. I used to have my heart set on the Firefly Darkness solo, but I'm kind of diggin' the Silent Night one now... It's in German. (: Mr. Riel says he wants me to keep practicing putting out more sound. I think I might get this. Mr. Horrell will be at our next concert, so he can hear me sing. (That is, if I get it.)
For once, I am confident about myself.
I might go to the football game tonite. I'm only going if Andrew's going, though. I miss that fucker.
All in all, today was actually good. All is right in the world.
...Except for things with Bob, but let's not mention him right now.
Forever Optimistic *COUGH*,
Broken Hearts
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2004 17 November :: 8.39pm
Today just hasn't been my day.
Got my progress reports. Did pretty well. Got an F in Science, though...
Got rejected...
Someone who means the world to me has started smoking regularly....
I've just been so exhausted. Sleep loss has been at an all-time high.
I used to think this wasn't anything serious, but I might need to go see someone about it... I have really bad anxiety. I get so nervous, and I'm not even sure what about... At night, it's like I'm afraid to sleep or something... I don't know what it is... But I need it to stop.
I feel sick.
My train of thoughts is everywhere. Please excuse if this is somewhat hard to follow.
I know these dumb little kid relationships are stupid, but I'm tired of feeling so alone...
I wish life would throw shit at me in somewhat more frequent patterns, spreading it out, instead of throwing it all at once.
I wish things would even out.
I'm sick of always being such a fucking pessimist, but it's something I can't help. I've tried to look at the brighter side, but the darker side always overpowers it.
You don't have to tell me how much better I have it than other people. I know that. I can't help the way I think. It's something I've tried to change, but failed.
I wish I weren't such a fuck up.
..I wish I could exceed in something.
1 Heart |
Broken Hearts
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