swimfan14
|
::
2005 5 July :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: jealous
:: Music: Ohio is for lovers<3
My msn isn't working..but thats what aim is for I guess.
I never should have read that. Somehow still, I don't get it. I've waited all my life for someone like you, just so I could push you away and thats pretty much what I did and when someone else likes you, that bothers me. It shouldn't, but it does. I denied I cared and that was a mistake.
Something isn't right, I can feel it again, this isn't the first time you kept me waiting. Sad excuses and falls hopes high, I saw this coming, still I don't know why I let you in.
but I have to get ready and leave. <3
Oh & when exactly are things going to get better?
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
swimfan14
|
::
2005 5 July :: 12.58am
Thanks for not being here when I need you. I'm supposed to confess but I refuse to do so. hahaha.
I've started to realize that just because you forgot or simply don't say it, it doesn't mean its not there.
I guess this is what you want. You decided this. This isn't what we need.
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is just you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
I'm really starting to annoy myself, I can't seem to get it right, I have to remember the difference between then and now. It's differen't, so the same things wont be said, the same things wont happen, I just am so used to before that I can't get used to the way things are now. Its weird. Who knows but im going to bed. I'm tired and hopefully tomorrow ill be better. I think I'm hanging out with Aaron soon~
P.S.-You'll figure it out soon. I gave a huge clue!
Nite<3
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
swimfan14
|
::
2005 4 July :: 11.05am
See, I knew that wasn't going to last longer than a day. So why do you even bother in the first place? Don't complain to me anymore if it bothers you that much, but then you just sit there and let it happen.
And you know what-explainations don't change anything. They don't make me feel any better. I either like something or I don't, and if I don't like it then knowing why it happens doesn't make any difference-it's still going to happen and I'm still not going to like it, so whats the point?
Maybe it's just too much to expect from you but I just wanted you to understand how I felt but obviously you don't.
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 4 July :: 12.26am
oh goodness...
boys and their need to "fix" everything..
bobby, bobby, bobby
im so fortunate to know him. both him and vince, its crazy... because if i had never met keegan, i wouldnt have met these two amazing people.... and even though i've only known them for about as long as i've known keegan.... i feel a need to protect them because i love them and they love me and its like they're my big brothers. this big wonderful protective circle... its beautifull.
we're gong to watch fireworks in grand rapids tomorrow... getting away from sandlake... blahhhh. im excited, i've never seen grand rapids fireworks, AND this is my first fourth of july with someone... i've seen fireworks with ex-boyfriends, not on the fourth though cuz i was in Disney World... and keegan doesnt remember ever spending the fourth with anyone... so this counts as his first too... the way we look at things... if you look back and either dont remember or realize an experience was nothing like the ones we share together... then they dont really count.. because they lack in comparison.. so much that they dont exist. we both have pasts, we both have fairly long relationships under our belts, and we can BOTH happily say that THIS is our first relationship.... because nothing else compares. its just an amazing feeling.... i thought i felt this way once..... but the way i feel when we're together is mind blowing.... it totally replaces everything i ever felt. i mean yeah.. i thought i was in love once.... but the way i feel when im with keegan is so much stronger then i EVER felt... and we're not even in love yet! its a beautiful beautiful thing.....
*sighs......
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
swimfan14
|
::
2005 3 July :: 9.16pm
:: Music: Goodbye to you-Michelle Branch
Okay this is going to be an update since I never really write in here that much anymore.
I'm still really upset about Dakota. Last night I started thinking about everything and I started bawling and I just think I need to let go.I couldn't stop thinking about Dakota and then him and this and that and so I just cried. It was sad.. I blame myself for this and somehow inside I know its not my fault and if any other kid was put in my situation it would be the same thing because its your fault not mine but somehow I always take the blame and it kills me inside all the time.
Today I went on the Muskegon River with a whole bunch of people and we went tubing and we went to this sandbar where we always go and we know like everyone that goes there so everyone just hung out and everyone was drinking but it was really fun and I got to see my friends Jack and Casey and they are camping up there so next weekend we are probably going back up there and we are going to go stay with them because they still will be camping but it was alot of fun and I'm getting really tan.
I went and seen War Of The Worlds the other day and it was really good and one minute I was scared and then the next I started crying but I normally don't like those movies but I really liked it alot.
Friday I went to Emilys and hung out with her and Elyse and we played this game but I forgot what its called and you roll the dice and it lands on a letter and then each person has a card with a list and theres like 12 things on the list and like one of them would be a fruit so you have to write a fruit down with the letter that was rolled and at the end when the timer runs out you have to say what you got for each thing and if you have the same thing as another person then it doesn't count as a point and Emily and I kept getting the same things so we lost, it was sad, it really was hahaha.
Im re-decorating both of my rooms. I already ordered all the stuff for my moms room and the theme of it I guess you could say is surfing and I'm painting my walls pink and I haven't picked out a bedspread or anything for my room at my dads yet but I'm excited.
In August for a while I'm going to California again and I'm staying with my family in LA and I'm going to work on some acting stuff with my uncles friend Abby who works at a Talent Agency and were going to San Francisco and were also going to go to Yosemite National Park too. So I'm excited about that and I think I'm staying for a week and a half or two weeks it just depends but I love flying in planes now lol its so fun. I am sending my uncle some of my photo shoot pictures so hopefully he shows them to all his little famous friends and then some agency will want me to work for them and then I can move to California and leave this shitty place behind and then my dreams can come true. It will happen sometime.
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
I guess you could say I miss you but that doesn't matter now. It's way past mattering now. I don't think anyone really gets it. Nobody really knows the way I'm feeling right now.
2 LiL Bit Of HeLp!s |
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 3 July :: 2.20am
me and keegan saw bewitched tonight... it was pretty good. i love magic. then after that me, emma and keegan went into sandlake.. this is at about 10:30 im guessing... we had more fun on the carride there then we did at the carnival.. the way we see it... the trashy people hang out at the carnival.. the COOL people make a few appearences and then leave.... laughs* you can only walk by so many girls in belly shirts, bleached blonde hair, and nose rings before you've had enough to vomit. ughhh.. laughs.
we were jammin though... DMX.. ohhh yeahhh.... i'd say when it comes to dancin.. i give keegan a run for his money... its true. *giggles.
we listened to this chris rock comedy thing on keegans ipod yesterday, it was like an hour and a half long.. .sooooo funny.
yeah... keegan keegan keegan... i know.
but hey, i didnt see him for 6 days, he's my best friend, and part of me just wants to brag about how amazing my boyfriend is.
*sighs.....
2 LiL Bit Of HeLp!s |
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
swimfan14
|
::
2005 2 July :: 9.33am
I'm home now....
Someone called me yesterday to tell me that one of our friends died. My friend Dakota. She was in the hospital and she had something called anemia, and im not sure exactly what it is but its something to do with red blood cells and she went into a coma and then she came back out and everyone thought she was going to be okay but then she just passed away and she was a really good friend of mine. I don't exactly think I can deal with this but I guess I'll find out. It seems unreal. I can't believe it and I miss her so much already things will never be the same without her. *cries*
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
jennapie
|
::
2005 29 June :: 11.57pm
I'm going to the zoo tomorrow!! I can't wait!!! It's gonna be fun!! A little road trip in my new car!!!!!!!!!!! yeeaaahhhh!!! First the beach...and now the zoo.....what's next!!!? oh yeah...I think I'm driving to Cinncinnatti!! Whoa!!!!!!! ROAD TRIP!!! YEAHHHHHHHHH
1 LiL Bit Of HeLp! |
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
jennapie
|
::
2005 29 June :: 11.17am
Jon, seriously, STOP changing my journal, I'm getting annoyed and I"m gonna change my password if you do it again!! Don't make me do it please! Control yourself my man!
1 LiL Bit Of HeLp! |
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 28 June :: 8.35pm
keegans mom is picking me up at 10 so we can go get keegan from the airport... he was supposed to be home by 4 today but his flight got delayed... so now he should be in by 11:30..... mmmmmm, darn this weather makin me wait.
yayyyy... i have a consultation with studio 630 about being one of their models... my friend alyssa was their top model last year and her pictures just turned out amazing.. im crossing my fingers..
i should probably put some clothes on.
yeah.. thats generally a good idea..........
2 LiL Bit Of HeLp!s |
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
jennapie
|
::
2005 27 June :: 10.36pm
Jon! Quit changing my journal on me!! Geesh! lol
1 LiL Bit Of HeLp! |
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 26 June :: 11.35pm
he never hangs up first....
fucking.. ahrl;akejrl;kj.ac....
on a brighter note, im hanging out with matt tomorrow... i've misssed him.. he's always on the road with his band. it'll be nice to sit down, have some cofee, and catch up.
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
brokenmentality
|
::
2005 26 June :: 7.08pm
me and my mom and shelby went to traverse city last night... that was fun. its nice spending time with my family... we havent really done that in awhile.
i miss keegan... i hate massachusetts.
the yearbook thing was awesome... im so sad this was my last year going.. but im almost sure my experience with yearbooks wont be over this year.... awwww... i love kourtney too.. she's so cute!
hmmm maybe i'll call emma and see if she wants to see a movie... just cant get enough of the loye family! laughs* we were planning on seeing the sisterhood of pants movie or whatever... might as well see it tonight...
alright... goodnight dolls.
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
jennapie
|
::
2005 26 June :: 1.28pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
HEY EVERYBODY!!! I GOT MY NEW CAR, AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL!!! YOU ALL HAVE TO SEE IT!!!
1 LiL Bit Of HeLp! |
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|
swimfan14
|
::
2005 24 June :: 11.24pm
So I'm leaving tomorrow. I think I'll be home next Monday or Tuesday. I'm going to spend the week hanging out with my cousins that live in LA so that should be fun to be with them and it will be nice to get away from home again even though I've only been home for about three days but thats long enough. As much as I'm gone all the time, I never get home sick, not once. Not even when I spent more than a month in California last summer, I didn't get home sick and I cried when I had to come home and I kept changing the date I had to come home so each time it kept costing more money to change my plane ticket so I eventually had to come home but if I had it my way--I never was going to. Anyways I really don't have a point but I can't wait to move to California, its gonna be great.
I'll try to get online and post while im away but I don't know if I will be able to since I think my laptop is at my dads but i'm really excited because im getting a new one soon and when I get home i'm getting a credit card!!
I have to go finish packing.
<3 Ashley*
LiL BiT Of HeLp!
|
|