::
2003 25 November :: 4.05pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: Puddle of Mudd - Away from me
Im sorry....
Bryan...ahh... I dont mean to make everything hard and confusing... it just happens like that when it passes through me... Im sorry.... for everything. *sigh*
*wipes tear*
today sucked I havent made up my mind why it sucked so severely...but it did... I dont remember driving home... thinking about the day... it just makes me CrAzY
ahh....fuck... people fucking suck....
I did have one good moment....actually two...
1. I yelled at Sara
2. between Lindsay and I...
group talking about sex...and whores...Lindsay sais something about losing her virginity to...something...dont recall Me: I know someone who lost their virginity to a shampoo bottle.... Lindsay: Was it a girl??
Everyone sits there for a moment thinking about how dumb she just was...Melissa started laughing.... Melissa and I:No it was a guy...
*Melissa goes into detail....* Lindsay:I guess it would have to be a girl huh?
::
2003 24 November :: 6.35pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Trapt - New Beggining
and then i come to find... everythings ok....seen this all before...but that was yesterday...try to walk right through these messes that ive made...just let me enjoy...the life that i have made...
Are you going the wrong direction? God allows u-turns.....lmao....what in the fuck??? I know you are all wondering what that is there for....Sara said that to me today... ha...amusing isnt it? It made me laugh... in her face...
Today fucking sucked... I said two words last hour... No and No... It was awesome... I hate talking... grr... it pisses me off...
These songs are seeming rather positive today.... better than I used to believe they were...
Angie is now on my list of people who believe my life is perfect... ha.. excellent... another person that really doesnt know shit and doesnt give a fuck to find out... not that I would tell her anything about me that she didnt need to fucking know anyway.....
I love Marilyn Manson....
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself
Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls
........Im tired of this now........
I want to go play with my blades and take a few pills.... make it all better for a few moments.... while the blood is flowing freely I will be feeling awesome....but when it stops I have it all to do over again.... and again... and again.... until I realize what I am doing...
::
2003 24 November :: 6.05pm
:: Mood: FUCK YOU
:: Music: Marilyn Manson
I Hate
You are the wind beneath my wings.
The grill across my face.
You are the fuel in my machine.
That special place.
You are the sunshine of my life.My first and only love.
You are the apple of my eye.
You suck my blood.
And I Hate you more than life itself.
I even hate you more than i hate myself.
I hate, therefor I am.
I am, therefor I hate.
Another nail in my coffin.
Another thorn in my side.
Another gun to my temple.
(Goodbye...goodbye)
And I Hate you more than life itself.
I even hate you more than i hate myself.
I hate, therefor I am.
I am, therefor I hate.
You are the final destination.
The calm before the storm.
You are the worm within my own self.
I died when you were born.
(I died when you were born)
And I Hate you more than life itself.
I even hate you more than i hate myself.
I Hate you more than life itself.
I even hate you more than i hate myself.
::
2003 23 November :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Hoobastank - Losing My Grip
Agh...my indecisiveness.... It is one of the worst things about me... minus just me as a whole...
I wish my memory were horrible...then... Bryan would no longer be a part of me... without the fact of 3/23 remaining *cough*
Goodness.... my pile of mistakes is getting rather large...
Ive seen this all before....but that was yesterday....
I need to clear my head... but I have currently found that is merely impossible... If it were to work... there would be too many happy people anyway...
Ellen....thanks for you expressing your advisory talents tonight.... they were very needed....
::
2003 22 November :: 10.30pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Linkin Park - My December
I cant explain the way that I feel....
Ahh.... I love music... without it I dont know what I would do....
I dont want so many days off for Christmas... from school... I want to be at school... I can only imagine what will be going on at home...
It all only gets worse everyday... more shit arising and me thinking more about what has happened before... Why must we have memories?? They only hurt you later...
I talked to Bryan today... I miss him... so much... I just cant admit it to him. Its all my fault anyway... I would seem like a really bad person If I told him I still liked time.... I am such a bitch...
Ahh... I am suprised they let people my age buy Razor Blades at wal-mart...
I want my lip pierced...and my hair dyed black......
::
2003 19 November :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: Cold - Go Away
Ahh.....yet another update for an unknown reason....
I am getting really tired of everything... and all of the objects sticking out of my back.... I know you all enjoy it but I really wish you would leave me alone... and all that I do...alone. If I stuck a knife in your back you would go screaming to everyone... Why can people just not keep to themselves? Why must you continue to make this rope tighter...pushing me deeper and deeper soon to an un retrievable level of nothing. I hate your ways... I dont like anything you do, but I put up with it merely for the fact of continuing humanity in the most normal form as possible...to keep everything more simple... If you would like to continue causing problems.. please do so to yourself... I no longer feel like puting up with you...any of you... I am tired of it all...
::
2003 19 November :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: devious
:: Music: Linkin Park - In The End
Goemas is your Vampire name.
You are a dark Vampire who loves all things Gothic. You present to the world the image of a true Vampire: devilish, all powerful, mysterious.
To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire, go here:
www.life-blood.vze.com
::
2003 18 November :: 8.55pm
:: Mood: indifferent
Taproot
"Dragged Down"
I am just a person like you, I am just a fuck-up that's true,
but your the only one I'll turn to by my side everyday
and night its time to climb out of this big black hole
even if i can justify that i am alive
and alright your still the one i'll turn to by my side so I cry alone,
I can't believe you drag me down again,
just when i think i'm fine i always then realize
that i am the only one to turn to me inside.
Hey, I'm feeling tired.
My time, is gone today.
You flirt with suicide.
Sometimes, that's ok.
Hear what others say.
I'm here, standing hollow.
Falling away from me.
Falling away from me.
Day, is here fading.
That's when, I would say.
I flirt with suicide.
Sometimes kill the pain.
I can always say.
'It's gonna be better tomorrow'.
Falling away from me.
Falling away from me.
Beating me down.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
Screaming so sound.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
(falling away from me).
It's spinning round and round.
(falling away from me).
It's lost and can't be found.
(falling away from me).
It's spinning round and round.
(falling away from me).
Slow it down.
Beating me down.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
Screaming so sound.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
Pressing me, they won't go away.
So I pray, go away.
It's falling away from me.
Beating me down.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
Screaming so sound.
Beating me, beating me.
Down, down.
Into the ground.
::
2003 18 November :: 4.30pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Korn - Dead Bodies Everywhere
This is where I say I've had enough And no one should ever feel the way That I feel now....
Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away....
I can't fake it hard enough to please everyone or anyone at all...
So whats another day when I can bear these nights of thoughts?
And I'm thinking awful things
I'm pretty sure that few would notice....
I wont be a liar
I wont say that "everything's working" when everything's broken....
I am fairly agile
I can bend and not break
Or I can break and take it with a smile
And I am so resilient
I recover quickly
I'll convince you soon that I am fine.....
What you've found sure upsets you
Never saw it coming did you?
Its easy to be suprised with both your eyes sewn closed
Handeld with great percision, another thoughtless execution
You're the subject of this exhibition
A willing cadaver, a willing cadaver.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again....
These cuts are leaving creases
Trace the scars, fit the peices....
Am i drowning you out?
Boasts of defection
If everything was up to me,
I would be gone by the first sight.....
I feel the shame.
I'm not insane.
The things I feel now.
Arent the same.
Who gives a fuck..
If my life sucks?
I just know one day.
I won't give up.
Everyone just let me be.....
This shit right here is for you.
On your faces I can see.
You all think it's up on me.
I'm about to break.
This is my fate?
Am I still doomed to a life?
Of misery and hate.
You would have never known.
What I've done for you.
What you may put me through.
I'd do it for you.
I could have never lived.
If it wasn't for you.
Hell. You are most likley to commit suicide tomorrow even! you think that you are a worthless piece of shit that is taking up peoples time, money and lives. you hate yourself and you just basically sit up in your room all day and listen to music, do drugs, cut urself or other shit like that. please dont worry though. it might get better. you never know. life works in mysterious ways. please rate!!!! `-)
::
2003 17 November :: 3.23pm
:: Mood: irate
:: Music: Staind - Could it be
I HATE SARA SOOOO MUCH.....
I was ranting about religion and how it pisses me off last night and today she just randomly yells in my face "YOU SHOULD LOVE GOD" I was like jesus christ you are dumb..... She really pissed me off.... and she kept asking me what I did believe in and I was like SATAN.... she kinda turned red and turned away.... but I dont believe in anything....she, however, does not need to know that..... I was cussing and everything infront of the teacher.... he pretended like he didnt hear me....thank you....
Also....in the same class....she jumps up on the stage and started fucking yelling about finding her fifth grade teachers address and that she knows "exactly where she lives" I was like who give a fuck.... That was fucking 5 years ago..... and I said "Why are you so happy about finding that out" her..."Becuase she loved me and She thought I was pretty" me...."Was she on drugs?"....her *confused*
It was one of those things where you just had to be there to understand the situation....I think she is pretty aware I dont approve of her dumb ass being in my presence.....hopefully. *marks down one more mission accomplished*
::
2003 16 November :: 9.00pm
:: Mood: infuriated
:: Music: Seether - Fine Again
I dont understand
I am like basically having a nervous breakdown for no god damn reason at all..... I have really lost myself this time..... I HATE ALL OF YOU WHO MUST READ THE BIBLE EVERY FUCKING DAY..... YOU ARE AS STUPID AS HELL..... THE BIBLE IS FUCKING FAKE.... GIVE IT UP..... IF IT WAS TRUE IT WOULD HAVE SOMEONES FUCKING NAME SIGNED IN IT..... THEY OBVIOUSLY WASNT FUCKING PROUD OF IT huh?....
