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spud

:: 2008 11 March :: 11.58pm
:: Music: metallica

strongbow on tap

it was a lot of fun going out tonight, and we got to see professor eick and stuff. he seriously gets more and more cool every time we hang out with him.

i didn't get anything done today, unless you count cleaning the bathroom floor. hopefully that will alleviate our ant situation.

but yeah. not very productive today. that's alright though. that's why we have tomorrow.

and the day after that...

and the day after that....

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holiday

:: 2008 11 March :: 11.19pm

nope not true. just sayin.

oh, and...


i miss everyone!

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spud

:: 2008 11 March :: 1.55am

i think i just fell in love with four finger five.

i MUST see them next time they're at founders. which i believe is april 19.

i should go to bed.

but damn. this is the shit. it's just such a solid, soulful groove. right in the pocket. amazing.

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spud

:: 2008 9 March :: 11.48pm

so, i've been working on an idea for this scriptwriting project i have, and i think i like it.

i've been getting lots of help from people, but i think that you guys can help too.

basically, i have certain things i want to incorporate in the thing... certain details. but i still need more ideas to kind of fill in the gaps and create tension and conflict and stuff.

what i have so far:

this kid in high school is keeping a journal. shit happens. i plan on taking advantage of discrepancies between the journal and the "reality" of the situation.

but i'm kind of wondering about what kind of shit happens? what stuff is this kid into? who is this kid? what are they like? what are their friends and family like? etc.

this is where you come in. if you have any ideas, especially those related to journaling, since you are my journaling community, please let me know.

these ideas CAN be based on your own personal experience, but don't HAVE to be.

any and all help with this would be greatly appreciated, as i'm already three weeks behind schedule, after going in partway before completely scrapping my first idea.

thanks!

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spud

:: 2008 7 March :: 12.50am

kristi
mister jay,

kristi called me tonight. we talked about lots of stuff: me. the frank lloyd wright house that's near her apartment. me. her mom's obsession with american idol. my family. her dad's snoring. my snoring. her snoring. RED WINGS HOCKEY! me. her friend at home, whose name started with a B(ecky?). me. my journal. me. her myspace. me.

needless to say, it was a great conversation.

in other news, i went through all my old looseleaf stuff. it got me thinking about atman a lot. and katie. you know, i used to think he had a thing for her. what's more, i still think he had a thing for her. i'll cite a certain game of "king of the bed" as exhibit A. i know for damn sure he wasn't trying to get me on his bed. i'm pretty sure he was trying to shove me out the window. it was all in good fun, though. then again, maybe he really was just trying to be "king".

anyway, guess who i get to see tomorrow: kristi. and kevin. and probably emily. and maybe some other people. and dad and libby and joe. but still mostly kristi.

THE END.

p.s. this entry is still all about kristi, whether anyone (including her) fully realizes it or not. even the bit about addison and katie is really about her.

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spud

:: 2008 6 March :: 3.18pm
:: Mood: nostalgic again
:: Music: lots of it

por kebin
there are more, i'm sure, but this is at least a portion of "kevin" songs within my repertoire:

bnl - crazy. you know why.

311 - champagne. the whole of "from chaos" really. i know i make you listen to that a lot more than you probably want to, but it always means "kevin" to me.

the chemical brothers - block rockin' beats. yessir.

fastball - out of my head. we still need to play this song.

jamiroquai - cosmic girl. cruising in your car, the first time i'd ever heard of jamiroquai. always a good time.

jimi hendrix - voodoo child. Al groth is a god.

john mayer - 3 x 5. pick one of the many times. it's a recurring favorite, and has been for years.

led zeppelin - since i've been lovin' you. this song is the reason i miss your zeppelin phase. i love the hell out of this song.

maroon 5 - secret. from the solar experience days. ah, yes.

pink floyd - the great gig in the sky. didn't you come to laser floyd with us senior year? either way, this song reminds me of you.

sixpence none the richer - puedo escribir. it's obviously not spanish, but that doesn't make it any less kevin for me.

soad - chop suey. this was when i was hanging out with tony putt and ryan gravelle a lot. and james golden, actually. but while you were busy ignoring me with bruce said checkers, i was secretly wishing we were in a band, playing this song. i know, i'm creepy.

weezer - only in dreams. you already called buddy holly. i just really like this song, and again, had imagined someday performing it with you.

weird al - since you've been gone. another recurring favorite.

average white band - pick up the pieces. Dr. Strangeglove. fun times. i still need to see that movie, though.

suggestion:
plain white t's - stop. this whole album reminds me of the sound that you were into back in the day. i only got it recently, so it has no specific attachment to any memories, but the overall sound is enough to hearken back to that era.

p.s. you're so fuckin' gay....

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spud

:: 2008 6 March :: 2.36pm

why did they ever cancel this course?

and, more importantly, why was i sifting through the 1998/99 course catalog for audio classes? because i'm what they call "mentally retarded". that, and, apparently the reason i like grand valley is because it is so much like me. at least in the sense that it never throws anything away - even if it is obviously completely useless.

PHY 125 Introduction to the Physics of Music and Sound. Physical, musical, architectural, psychological, and anatomical aspects of sound. Particular emphasis will be placed on the physical basis of music and the acoustical properties of auditoriums. (3-0-0). Three credits.

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spud

:: 2008 6 March :: 12.49am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: pink floyd - the division bell

denham's dentrifice

so, got four cavities filled today. that was fun times.

had an interesting talk with mom. and libby's growing up. it's so weird / cool / frightening all at the same time. i think she'll turn out just fine. but it's really a bizarre experience to watch her going through it. it feels like seven years was such a long time ago. and it was. it just freaks me out knowing (or, not knowing, rather) that i'm going to be someplace unimaginable, doing something i can't even begin to guess at, once another seven rolls by.

and tuesday was mom and bruce's 10th wedding anniversary. we were looking at the wedding pictures. it was crazy. pal's is the same as ever, though. which, in some ways, makes it even more weird.

i really need to get rolling on this homework, before it's too late.

but i love this song.

in other news, my tax returns finally came back, so i can pay rent tomorrow. i was starting to get a little worried. five days is a pretty close call.

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spud

:: 2008 22 February :: 12.45am
:: Music: temple of the dog

i shot ten minutes of b-roll, and twenty minutes of interview today. so, nobody can say i'm slacking off. i have a com midterm tomorrow at two. filming some more b-roll from 3 to 5. not sure what's happening after that. possibly another interview.

saturday morning i have the studio from 8 to 10, so stewart can come in and lay down some phat bass grooves. midday might do some more interview action. and in the evening, kevin requested my company doing god-knows-what.

sunday i planned on doing church, lifting, maybe a movie, and then making up a bunch of shit for that scriptwriting assignment i wrote about last time. i also have an article due monday by two, so that might happen sunday night as well.

it looks pretty when i say it like that. very neat and orderly. everything fits.

however, reality is very very different. reality includes all the stuff i know about but didn't add to the schedule. it also includes all of the unfortunate (and sometimes fortunate) random shit that i'll never see coming, no matter how hard i try.

i don't know which i'd prefer, the reality as it is now, or the reality as it would be if it followed the paper exactly. the paper would be boring, but i feel like i'd be much more productive and much less stressed out. and i wouldn't feel as guilty about forgetting people (since it wouldn't happen) and i would never have to deal with the trauma of "picking favorites" (regardless of whether they're actually favorites, or just necessary damage control).

meh. life treats me well though. far better than i deserve. i just hope to god there's a light at the end of the tunnel. because, it feels like there is, but that it's never going to come. as we all know, light moves faster than i do, so i have zero chance to ever catch up with that shit. none whatsoever.

but i guess i'm supposed to be okay with that.

thanks once again, mr. j. for letting me bitch into you, and for having you not judge me. or even notice me at all, really. i appreciate that sometimes.

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spud

:: 2008 18 February :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: whelmed

scriptwriting, and so on.

i'm completely overwhelmed by this assignment. i think it's really cruel to make us go right into writing a full-on script. i have NO ideas. none! i like documentaries, because you can just find something to observe, and then manipulate what you see into something artistic. i like working with small groups of people, where you collaborate and build on each other's ideas. not like this. i'm so small and alone and insignificant and inexperienced. i suck at writing scripts, because - while i am good at writing, at least in certain ways - all of those qualities are things that don't make a damn bit of difference in scriptwriting. i have NEVER done theater, whether writing or performance. my short stories have all been bad - with some good parts in there - but as a whole, bad. and i understand that the point of the class is to get better at it. but i don't see how you're going to get better when you're bogged down and stressed out and completely nonplussed. i mean, i can look at a script, once it's written, and probably pick out some of the things that are good and some of the things that are bad. but in the process of writing it, i'm so lost in the formatting and the coming up with any ideas - anything at all - that i have no attention span left for critical analysis.

i'm just pissed.

calm down chris. you're okay. you're going to the studio tomorrow night, and it will be beautiful. you're done for the day, you only have one class tomorrow. it'll all be just fine. quit being a fucktard, and just enjoy it.

okay?

okay.

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spud

:: 2008 17 February :: 8.37pm

the one time i forget to copy my text before i submit, is always the time the whole entry gets deleted.

anyway, kevin:

dad's getting a band together. i want you to come try out. i will get you more information as soon as it's available. even if it's only for the summer, it'd still be fun.

also, i'm going to try applying for my passport this week. wish me luck.

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spud

:: 2008 16 February :: 7.09am

i should probably go to bed soon. it's been a busy day.

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spud

:: 2008 13 February :: 12.33am
:: Music: the little river band

reminiscing

you know... not much has changed, in me anyway. i like to think that i've grown or improved in some way. but i haven't, really.

gangles was on american idol tonight, doing the same thing he's always done. granted, he was essentially booed off the stage. and i knew when i saw him drumming in the intro stuff that it wouldn't end well. i think he would have been much more successful with guitar. and honestly, i wished he would have gone on. which is probably sad.

but it got me wondering... why isn't some podunk town somewhere in an uproar because I'M on national television, making an ass of myself? why isn't it me out there, doing what i love to do? and i came to the conclusion that it's the very same reason that mike chose gangles instead of me. the same reason i was always overshadowed by him in the talent show.

because i'm not a dickweed. i wish i were, but the fact remains that i am not, and i haven't been in a long long time. there was a time when i was. and i enjoyed the privileges it afforded me - just as he enjoys the privileges it affords him. but ultimately, i made a choice growing up that i wouldn't be a dickweed; that i actually wanted a few close friends who liked me, instead of many distant acquaintances who liked me and close friends i pushed away.

but lately, i've been becoming more of a dickweed again. i've begun pushing away many of those close friends, and attracting a handful of distant acquaintances. however, this time the switch wasn't really a conscious choice. sure, i've always been jealous of the dickweeds in my life, since they got to do more and be more, and i just sat there and let them. but i don't think it's worth it to me to give up my close friends, just so i can do more and be more. i'd rather have them and live in squalor, than become big and have nobody there.

even still, i find myself continuing down the path to dickweed-dom. how do i stop it? can i stop it? do i want to stop it? i don't know. maybe. yes.

but i still have no idea where that puts me, or what the next thing i have to do to change it might be.

but hey, i did dishes tonight, worked on my fafsa, did some networking business for my school projects, and watched some T.V. so what am i complaining about? i can pretend to be a big rock star later. for now i'll just be the poor college student i'm supposed to be, and find some way to assimilate and be a happy part of the machine.

"shyah, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!"

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spud

:: 2008 11 February :: 5.33pm

well, i got my script done. it's shitty. the dialogue is bad. i'm pretty sure it's formatted incorrectly. which is honestly no fault of mine, since he gave us a bunch of different examples, each of which was ambiguous, and different from the next. but at least it's done.

i'm pretty sure he's a terrible professor. good guy, knows a lot about film, but terrible at teaching. which is unfortunate.

here you go:

FADE IN:

INT – OFFICE – DAY

The office is brightly lit, but dark furnishings and wall coverings are ominous still. PHIL – the boss - sits, lost in thought examining paperwork, in a very imposing chair behind a large oak desk, with a large window behind showing the side of a neighboring skyscraper.

There is a KNOCK at the door.

PHIL
Come in.

JOHN enters, not timidly, but cautiously.

JOHN
You wanted to see me, sir?

PHIL
Yes, please sit down. I'll be with you in a moment.

JOHN obeys and sits in front of the desk, looking around the room, absently fidgeting with his clothes. PHIL continues to be absorbed in paperwork

PHIL (CONT'D)
Sorry to keep you waiting, but I really needed to finish that.

JOHN
Oh, it's no problem. So, you wanted to see me?

PHIL
Yes, John. I've been hearing some very disconcerting rumors regarding your conscientiousness and devotion to your work.

JOHN
(pause)... Is that so?

PHIL
Yes. I understand that you habitually leave early for and return late from your lunch breaks, but fix the numbers on the computer. You have also been known to use a hostile tone when speaking to customers. And you don't always file your reports on time. We're considering putting you on monitored probation.

JOHN
Probation!? I've been with this company for over ten years! And now you're threatening me? After all I've done for you....

PHIL
I'm sorry John, but we have standards to adhere to. And we have to ensure that all of our employees, even those who have been with us for a long time, are adhering to those standards.

JOHN
(increasingly upset) Standards, eh? The way I see it, the standards of this company went out the door the moment they let you start running the show! You're more concerned about keeping up appearances, and a healthy bottom line for the stockholders, than you are about taking care of the very people who take care of you! What would you do without people like me, Phil? We work hard every single day, doing all of the menial, mundane, thankless tasks, which – if gone undone – would bring this operation to the ground. And you don't even give us a long enough lunch to go across the street for a bagel!

PHIL
We have a cafeteria he...

JOHN
(cuts him off, yelling) I don't care if there's some shitty cafeteria in this fucking building! I want options! I want freedom: I want to be able to choose to go to Joe's café for a coffee and a bagel on my lunch break, and not get fired for it. I want to be able to stop what I'm doing for five minutes, so I can take a piss, without having it docked from my pay.

JOHN stands up and BANGS his fist on the desk, angrily.

JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm sick and goddamn tired of spending every day dreading coming into work, because I know I'll spend it looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We would honestly get more work done, in a shorter amount of time, if we were provided a more relaxed work environment. But instead we're all just quaking in our little cubicles, waiting for your minions to waltz up to our desk and tell us to box up our stuff because we used a No. 2 pencil instead of blue or black ink on our latest efficiency progress report!

PHIL
(Very long pause) Well....

JOHN sits, somewhat awkwardly; anticlimactic.

PHIL (CONT'D)
... It's clear you're upset with the way things are run around here, and that you're intimately familiar with the needs and desires of our employees. It's also evident that you're not afraid to share your feelings and opinions on important matters with me. I'm creating a new position on my staff, "Employee Liaison/Advisor," and these capacities make you the perfect candidate. What do you say? Would you like to join my cabinet?

JOHN
(pause) May I have some time to decide?

PHIL
Absolutely

INT – CAFÉ – NIGHT

JOHN sits alone at a table next to a window, with a bagel and coffee, and his laptop open beside them. He is composing an email, addressed to PHIL, stating simply "I'm in".

JOHN
(to self) What are you doing? Can you even trust this guy? Well, I suppose he trusts you well enough.

He exhales deeply, just before CLICKING "Send". He closes the laptop, packing it in his bag, finishes eating the bagel, grabs the coffee, and walks out of the shop.

FADE OUT

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spud

:: 2008 11 February :: 1.37pm

they say that sleeping over-abundantly is a sign of depression. but i disagree. i say it's just a sign that you're fucking tired and want to sleep.

then again, it could simply be that you just can't summon up the strength to rise and face the world in yet another pointless day, in which you scurry around doing pointless things until you're tired enough to fall asleep again.

...

naaaaa, you're just fucking tired, that's all there is to it.

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spud

:: 2008 24 January :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: frustrated

i had a bunch of weird dreams last night. the one that sticks out to me in particular is the one where i was with emily, (i can't remember what we were doing) and i got a loose tooth. but we were running around, trying to get shit done, and all of a sudden i pulled it out. it didn't hurt, but it was absolutely MAMMOTH, and it left a bunch of chunks in my mouth, which i then had to spit out, which struck me as odd. but apparently nobody else found it bizarre that a 21 year old had just lost his tooth, and so the dream just kept right on cruising.

i ran into a bunch of problems with my film project yesterday. i'm kinda pissed, but i'll get over it. hopefully i finish in time.

and i resolved to call up on my W-2s and see where the hell they're at, like a responsible person, and the people all said that i wouldn't have them until the first week of february. fuckers. way to wait until the last possible second.

so then i was like, "well, i'll do as much of the fafsa as i can without my tax info," but noooo, the fafsa website had to go and crash on me too.

i swear to god. it's like a sign telling me that i'm supposed to give up. because every time i try, i get pushed aside or yelled at or in some way usurped, and i'm just fucking tired of it. i'm losing sleep, having weird dreams, freaking out on people that don't deserve it.

and now i can barely keep my eyes open.

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spud

:: 2008 21 January :: 8.32pm

crazy ass shit
this is ridiculous. nothing is working out cleanly or adding up evenly.

which means the great sheep in the sky didn't like my emo entry about how i'm pissed at it. but i'm not pissed anymore. so it should be nice to me and make the stars align once again.

i'm sorry, oh aviary ovine! i didn't mean to upset you. may your wool grow long and thick! and may your first child be a masculine child! i suck at forcing things to work. which is why it's so much more pleasant for everyone involved when you make things line up properly, so i don't have to mash them together in my rudimentary way.

that would be super-duper.

p.s.

basically, all this means is that i had avoided making plans so we could go get the car tomorrow, but they never confirmed with me, so i had this empty day ahead of me, with a shit-ton of stuff to get done, and a couple of hours ago, bruce called me and said, "so, you busy tomorrow?"

and then this weekend, kristi was like "so you wanna go to president's ball?" and i was like "yeah, that'd be fun!' but it turns out that it's the weekend of winter camping.

so, i'm fucking retarded, and the world hates me. scheduling conflicts galore, and my laziness has placed me squarely behind the eight ball in so far as the amount of shit that needs to be accomplished within a certain time frame.

fuckin' a.

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spud

:: 2008 20 January :: 5.34pm
:: Mood: sleepy

i think i might lay down for a bit.

addison might stop by later. it's been a fun weekend. too bad i didn't get any work done, and now all i want to do is sleep and watch movies. the side effects of michigan winter.

yepper.

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spud

:: 2008 17 January :: 3.10pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Dear Whatever-you-are,

why the hell do you do this to me? what have i done to earn such torment?

is this all for my personal growth? one of those life-lessons where the pain is just part of the process - to progress?

well fuck that. it's like when you go weightlifting. you're supposed to be sore the next day. you rip your muscles, they repair, they get stronger. but if you overwork them, they rip too far, they have a much harder time repairing, and ultimately don't get any stronger. they just get miserable for awhile.

now, i'm not saying i'm miserable. and there's no REAL reason for me to hurt. and i'm not even sure hurt is an adequate term. but at the very least, it's difficult for me to cope with all of the different situations and expectations that i find myself in. and i get so sick and fucking tired of people thinking i'm awesome, me knowing i'm not, and then me disappointing them because i suck. and then i'm like "no, chris, the only reason you suck is because you tell yourself that. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. so, all you need to do is just say that you don't suck, believe all of these people, because they're obviously right, and just go out and do the best you can do." and after i give myself this little pep talk, not only to i fail, although maybe not quite as badly as before, but i get the added perk of having all the people who just got done telling me not to sell myself short, telling me how badly i just fucked up, and they never would have thought it possible.

i didn't fuck it up on purpose just to prove something to all the people who believed in me. i didn't try not to fuck it up just to prove something to the non-believers, with the exception of myself. so why can't i just be content to fuck things up, have everyone else be fine with that too, and make six figures doing it? i see no flaw in that plan whatsoever.

but all i can figure, after all of these mixed signals you've given me, is that you aren't my homeboy, you're not trying to help me grow as a person, you're just fucking with my program, because it's fun. it's like feeding peanut butter to a dog. they trust you. they have faith in you. then you do something wholly unpleasant to them, merely for your own amusement. you are a saucy minx who likes toying with my emotions, and i honestly don't know how much longer i can cope with that. not that i really have a choice in the matter. but i seriously question how long it will take for me to get so disenchanted that i just give up and lie there, because i'm all out of other ideas, and i'm too tired to think of anything new.

i'm just grumpy and unappreciative. i'm sure it's just a phase, it will pass, and you will be understanding again. but for right now, fuck you. because it's still mean as hell to let me do this to myself.

sincerely,

Chris

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spud

:: 2008 7 January :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: frustrated

this is absurd. the very first day of class and i'm already stumped. i'm very - not quite concerned, but - uncertain about how this semester's going to go. if this assignment is any indication, probably not well.

PSAs are unavoidably tacky. especially when they're about high school. i thought a PSA was a good beginner assignment. but making the topic high school dropouts is cruel and unusual punishment, especially when you're giving it to a roomful of college students who have obviously never dropped out of high school.

and then you give me 30 seconds to change a mind that i can't even begin to fathom? that is bullshit on a stick.

any bright ideas?

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spud

:: 2008 3 January :: 12.34am

it's 12:34 ... make a wish.

i feel - unfulfilled? i'm not sure that's the right word. it's just that nagging feeling like there's something missing. something i forgot to do.

and i know there are things i forgot to do. which is okay, for the most part. i can accept that, drop them, and move on.

but obviously there are more that i have not yet realized, because after dropping them and moving on, the feeling remains.

i need to make this go away. it's not unbearable, so much as obnoxious and slightly depressing.

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spud

:: 2008 2 January :: 5.07pm

i love it when i have those moments where i feel like i'm on felix felicis and everything just falls into place.

then there are those other times where i try and try so hard to adapt and adjust correctly so that it will fall into place, but no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't fit.

i hate those other times. i'm always tempted to give up on them. but i never do, because i know there's always hope that suddenly felix will step back into the ring and make it all better. but he doesn't always do that. and then i'm left holding the bag.

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spud

:: 2007 31 December :: 12.40am
:: Mood: on the precipice
:: Music: jamie cullum / jamiroquai (libby's playlist)

i've never really made a new year's resolution before. i mean, i've had little things that i decided to do or not do, but nothing monumental. kind of similar to lent. i give shit up for lent sometimes, but it doesn't fucking matter. i don't take it too seriously. mainly because i think it's bullshit.

mom makes new year's resolutions every fucking year and never keeps them. which is far more huge than she realizes, because it exemplifies the much larger personal issues she has yet to overcome.

the point is, this time i'm actually resolving to do (and not do) a few things. however, the chronology is merely coincidental. i would be doing these things, regardless of the time of year. which is why i'm not starting the effort precisely on new year's day. but i am making the effort ... and soon.

additionally, i'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. to prove to myself that i don't have a problem. i mean, i know i don't, so in that sense i don't require proof, but that doesn't make the proving of it superfluous or unnecessary. i am essentially proving to myself that i can prove it, even though i know i don't need the proof itself, per se. how's that for circular logic?

and i'm going to use the reallocation of funds idea that hunter gave me this evening as a part of that effort. and it's going to be brilliant. the only flaw is going to be making sure that the fund is not liquid, so that i wind up spending it on other stuff, which is what always happens. the fund has an express purpose. it's not a slush fund, it's exactly what i said it is, a reallocation to a different end.

so, to recap:

:: i am making some resolutions, which should resonate in my mind, body, and pocketbook.

:: although it will be the new year, these are not new year's resolutions.

:: although they are outward acts, these resolutions are for nobody's benefit or harm other than my own, despite their potential external impact.

:: libby has a kickass playlist

that's it.

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spud

:: 2007 27 December :: 1.22am

christmas 2.0 begins tomorrow. should be fun.

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spud

:: 2007 24 December :: 1.46pm
:: Music: the 12 days of christmas

interesting covers.

i think youtube and jesus were god's christmas gifts to humanity.

or something.

taking back sunday
straight no chaser

woo html.

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