::
2008 22 February :: 12.45am
:: Music: temple of the dog
i shot ten minutes of b-roll, and twenty minutes of interview today. so, nobody can say i'm slacking off. i have a com midterm tomorrow at two. filming some more b-roll from 3 to 5. not sure what's happening after that. possibly another interview.
saturday morning i have the studio from 8 to 10, so stewart can come in and lay down some phat bass grooves. midday might do some more interview action. and in the evening, kevin requested my company doing god-knows-what.
sunday i planned on doing church, lifting, maybe a movie, and then making up a bunch of shit for that scriptwriting assignment i wrote about last time. i also have an article due monday by two, so that might happen sunday night as well.
it looks pretty when i say it like that. very neat and orderly. everything fits.
however, reality is very very different. reality includes all the stuff i know about but didn't add to the schedule. it also includes all of the unfortunate (and sometimes fortunate) random shit that i'll never see coming, no matter how hard i try.
i don't know which i'd prefer, the reality as it is now, or the reality as it would be if it followed the paper exactly. the paper would be boring, but i feel like i'd be much more productive and much less stressed out. and i wouldn't feel as guilty about forgetting people (since it wouldn't happen) and i would never have to deal with the trauma of "picking favorites" (regardless of whether they're actually favorites, or just necessary damage control).
meh. life treats me well though. far better than i deserve. i just hope to god there's a light at the end of the tunnel. because, it feels like there is, but that it's never going to come. as we all know, light moves faster than i do, so i have zero chance to ever catch up with that shit. none whatsoever.
but i guess i'm supposed to be okay with that.
thanks once again, mr. j. for letting me bitch into you, and for having you not judge me. or even notice me at all, really. i appreciate that sometimes.
so i honestly just fell asleep during my chemistry midterm. i mean it's not a huge deal since i still was able to finish it on time, but damn. i'm 99% sure that in the midst of my nap, i laughed outloud during the total silence because i was having some sort of dream thing and laughing at something roman said... it kind of jolted me out my sleep momentarily but yeah i'm pretty sure i did a snort/kind of laugh thing. embarassing. also my professor came up to me i'm not sure if that's what woke me up or if i just felt her presence and woke up on my own .... i was just like "sorry" and she was like "oh you're just takign a break" and I was like ummm yeah but i'm done so its okay...even though i wasn't.
i can't take school anymore. every test i take i just want to get done so bad i just fill in letters. god i'm so bad i know. i just ...........ugh i hate tests.
ughghghgh i seriously just want to quit school so bad. i want to! i have these major doubts i wont make it all the way through so why am i wasting my time now. what will happen if i get a bad grade in even ONE of my classes? i will lose my scholarship and then what? i have no idea. maybe roman and i should just move to ohio and he should work for his dad and make big bucks.
i'm completely overwhelmed by this assignment. i think it's really cruel to make us go right into writing a full-on script. i have NO ideas. none! i like documentaries, because you can just find something to observe, and then manipulate what you see into something artistic. i like working with small groups of people, where you collaborate and build on each other's ideas. not like this. i'm so small and alone and insignificant and inexperienced. i suck at writing scripts, because - while i am good at writing, at least in certain ways - all of those qualities are things that don't make a damn bit of difference in scriptwriting. i have NEVER done theater, whether writing or performance. my short stories have all been bad - with some good parts in there - but as a whole, bad. and i understand that the point of the class is to get better at it. but i don't see how you're going to get better when you're bogged down and stressed out and completely nonplussed. i mean, i can look at a script, once it's written, and probably pick out some of the things that are good and some of the things that are bad. but in the process of writing it, i'm so lost in the formatting and the coming up with any ideas - anything at all - that i have no attention span left for critical analysis.
i'm just pissed.
calm down chris. you're okay. you're going to the studio tomorrow night, and it will be beautiful. you're done for the day, you only have one class tomorrow. it'll all be just fine. quit being a fucktard, and just enjoy it.
the one time i forget to copy my text before i submit, is always the time the whole entry gets deleted.
anyway, kevin:
dad's getting a band together. i want you to come try out. i will get you more information as soon as it's available. even if it's only for the summer, it'd still be fun.
also, i'm going to try applying for my passport this week. wish me luck.
"Altos we can’t hear you. We need more sound from the altos. Altos you were flat. Altos count right.....altos, altos, altos."
wtf dude? There are three other voice parts you can be picking on in Opera rehearsal, not just us. I don’t even sing alto, only for this opera, and I'm still singing louder then the three other alto girls.
I don’t know, maybe its hard to hear the altos because there are twice as many sopranos?? Or maybe, just maybe its because the low register does not carry like the high one? Could it be that the sopranos high B's are going to cover up and altos middle C?? And lastly, could it be that alto is the only part you have ever sung, and that you don’t know how to properly critique the sopranos?
Uhh. Frustration. I have never been yelled at so much for singing in my life.
::
2008 13 February :: 12.33am
:: Music: the little river band
reminiscing
you know... not much has changed, in me anyway. i like to think that i've grown or improved in some way. but i haven't, really.
gangles was on american idol tonight, doing the same thing he's always done. granted, he was essentially booed off the stage. and i knew when i saw him drumming in the intro stuff that it wouldn't end well. i think he would have been much more successful with guitar. and honestly, i wished he would have gone on. which is probably sad.
but it got me wondering... why isn't some podunk town somewhere in an uproar because I'M on national television, making an ass of myself? why isn't it me out there, doing what i love to do? and i came to the conclusion that it's the very same reason that mike chose gangles instead of me. the same reason i was always overshadowed by him in the talent show.
because i'm not a dickweed. i wish i were, but the fact remains that i am not, and i haven't been in a long long time. there was a time when i was. and i enjoyed the privileges it afforded me - just as he enjoys the privileges it affords him. but ultimately, i made a choice growing up that i wouldn't be a dickweed; that i actually wanted a few close friends who liked me, instead of many distant acquaintances who liked me and close friends i pushed away.
but lately, i've been becoming more of a dickweed again. i've begun pushing away many of those close friends, and attracting a handful of distant acquaintances. however, this time the switch wasn't really a conscious choice. sure, i've always been jealous of the dickweeds in my life, since they got to do more and be more, and i just sat there and let them. but i don't think it's worth it to me to give up my close friends, just so i can do more and be more. i'd rather have them and live in squalor, than become big and have nobody there.
even still, i find myself continuing down the path to dickweed-dom. how do i stop it? can i stop it? do i want to stop it? i don't know. maybe. yes.
but i still have no idea where that puts me, or what the next thing i have to do to change it might be.
but hey, i did dishes tonight, worked on my fafsa, did some networking business for my school projects, and watched some T.V. so what am i complaining about? i can pretend to be a big rock star later. for now i'll just be the poor college student i'm supposed to be, and find some way to assimilate and be a happy part of the machine.
"shyah, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!"
i have ear infections in both my ears i want to just stay home and sleep so bad. i feel like crap because i have been sick for 2 weeks straight and now both my ears are all weird and i can't hear anything out of either of them ... all i hear is myself talking or breathing or whatever ahhhhhhhhh it's so annoying. this has been going on for 6 days but my other ear just started doing it yesterday. so now its both my ears which is really weird i have never heard of having ear infections in both ears. the worst part is when i sleep - i sleep on my stomach and it hurts no matter which way i lay my head because each ear hurts when i'm not laying it on the pillow ........ owwww
i called the doctor today but i dont know if they'll give me a prescription without going in there and i dont have time..
i have to go to school until 5:30 today and then i work at 6 until midnight and then tomorrow i have to open so i have to be there at 6:45 am but it is a short shift luckily
i'm so ready for break. i wish i was going on vacation..........
well, i got my script done. it's shitty. the dialogue is bad. i'm pretty sure it's formatted incorrectly. which is honestly no fault of mine, since he gave us a bunch of different examples, each of which was ambiguous, and different from the next. but at least it's done.
i'm pretty sure he's a terrible professor. good guy, knows a lot about film, but terrible at teaching. which is unfortunate.
here you go:
FADE IN:
INT – OFFICE – DAY
The office is brightly lit, but dark furnishings and wall coverings are ominous still. PHIL – the boss - sits, lost in thought examining paperwork, in a very imposing chair behind a large oak desk, with a large window behind showing the side of a neighboring skyscraper.
There is a KNOCK at the door.
PHIL
Come in.
JOHN enters, not timidly, but cautiously.
JOHN
You wanted to see me, sir?
PHIL
Yes, please sit down. I'll be with you in a moment.
JOHN obeys and sits in front of the desk, looking around the room, absently fidgeting with his clothes. PHIL continues to be absorbed in paperwork
PHIL (CONT'D)
Sorry to keep you waiting, but I really needed to finish that.
JOHN
Oh, it's no problem. So, you wanted to see me?
PHIL
Yes, John. I've been hearing some very disconcerting rumors regarding your conscientiousness and devotion to your work.
JOHN
(pause)... Is that so?
PHIL
Yes. I understand that you habitually leave early for and return late from your lunch breaks, but fix the numbers on the computer. You have also been known to use a hostile tone when speaking to customers. And you don't always file your reports on time. We're considering putting you on monitored probation.
JOHN
Probation!? I've been with this company for over ten years! And now you're threatening me? After all I've done for you....
PHIL
I'm sorry John, but we have standards to adhere to. And we have to ensure that all of our employees, even those who have been with us for a long time, are adhering to those standards.
JOHN
(increasingly upset) Standards, eh? The way I see it, the standards of this company went out the door the moment they let you start running the show! You're more concerned about keeping up appearances, and a healthy bottom line for the stockholders, than you are about taking care of the very people who take care of you! What would you do without people like me, Phil? We work hard every single day, doing all of the menial, mundane, thankless tasks, which – if gone undone – would bring this operation to the ground. And you don't even give us a long enough lunch to go across the street for a bagel!
JOHN stands up and BANGS his fist on the desk, angrily.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm sick and goddamn tired of spending every day dreading coming into work, because I know I'll spend it looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We would honestly get more work done, in a shorter amount of time, if we were provided a more relaxed work environment. But instead we're all just quaking in our little cubicles, waiting for your minions to waltz up to our desk and tell us to box up our stuff because we used a No. 2 pencil instead of blue or black ink on our latest efficiency progress report!
PHIL
(Very long pause) Well....
JOHN sits, somewhat awkwardly; anticlimactic.
PHIL (CONT'D)
... It's clear you're upset with the way things are run around here, and that you're intimately familiar with the needs and desires of our employees. It's also evident that you're not afraid to share your feelings and opinions on important matters with me. I'm creating a new position on my staff, "Employee Liaison/Advisor," and these capacities make you the perfect candidate. What do you say? Would you like to join my cabinet?
JOHN
(pause) May I have some time to decide?
PHIL
Absolutely
INT – CAFÉ – NIGHT
JOHN sits alone at a table next to a window, with a bagel and coffee, and his laptop open beside them. He is composing an email, addressed to PHIL, stating simply "I'm in".
JOHN
(to self) What are you doing? Can you even trust this guy? Well, I suppose he trusts you well enough.
He exhales deeply, just before CLICKING "Send". He closes the laptop, packing it in his bag, finishes eating the bagel, grabs the coffee, and walks out of the shop.
they say that sleeping over-abundantly is a sign of depression. but i disagree. i say it's just a sign that you're fucking tired and want to sleep.
then again, it could simply be that you just can't summon up the strength to rise and face the world in yet another pointless day, in which you scurry around doing pointless things until you're tired enough to fall asleep again.
...
naaaaa, you're just fucking tired, that's all there is to it.
okay so eventful day already but i will try to just give the shorthand version
no heat in my car so that means no defrost so that means can't see
been driving it that way for like a week, was planning to have roman fix it today, ordered the part and everything
had to work at 9:45 this morning... left in my car i could see okay but not the greatest
got a little further on byron center and it was total white out and my windsheild and windows were icing over, it was really hard to see, i pulled over in the furthest lane and just sat there with my hazards on.
didn't know what to do but i knew i wasn't going to try to drive because the last time i drove in the wind blowing white out conditions i promised myself i would never do it again. i told my self i would sit there all day until a tow truck came and got me if i had to.
i drove a little bit further and pulled off the road on the side. i sat in my car with no heat for TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
MY BEST FRIEND EVER JESSIE HAZEN and he GREAT FIANCE RYAN came and got me because they are the greatest. they can vouch for me that the conditions were HORRIFIC!!!! when jess got out of the car 5 feet in front of me i oculdn't even tell if it was ryan or jess. that's how bad visibilaty was!
so ryan drove my car to the nearest parking lot and me and jess drove ryans car in front and jess bought me hand warmers cuz she's a sweetie so i could defrost my toes a little. lol i'm SO COLD still and this was like an hour ago
oh yeah and i called into work and this poor girl had to cover for me because fucking midnite sun and cruise is retarted and they dont give a SHIT about their employees and whether they are going to die or not. no one should be driving today! but they dont care. they need to keep their tanning salon open for the 2 customers that might come in today.
lastly... roman just called me and was lkike shouting in the background and stuff it really scared me but he told me a girls car flipped overr and there are tons of cars - at least 20 all collided and flipped and 2 semis smashed into each other and the girl's dog is in romans car right now because her's is flipped over. but he is okay but tons of other people aren't
okay, NOT that i am glad people got in accidents, i would never want that and that really sucks but how come i never get to see the neat stuff like that. i mean it's not neat, it's just kind of interesting to see i guess. rroman sees people flip their cars and stuff all the time, i have never seen it. lol i know that sounds really bad but i still think it'd be .... i can't think of the word ot use that would be okay but yeah...
anyway, i hate michigan winters and i can't wait to move out of this state.
So for my English 222 class I have to write a 15 page paper. It has to be about the career field I am going into. And I have to have an interview with someone who teaches the profession I want to go into, and a professional in the field. So I sent out a few emails to people I knew would get back to me. Then I said "what the hell" and I sent out a few emails to some of the hot shots in opera (well to their agents at least). Some of these people included Deborah Voigt, Christine Brewer, and Rene Fleming.
Today I got a response:
"Dear Jacqulyn
Thank you for the email and sorry for the delay in responding.
Christine has said that she would be delighted to do this interview for you. She would prefer it if you could email the questions to her; please could you email the questions to me.
All best wishes
Jonatahn"
I have an interview with Christine Brewer. I HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH CHRISTINE BREWER!!!!!
For those of you who dont know who Christine Brewer is, she is one of the biggest Stars in opera in the WORLD.
I am absolutely stunned. I can't believe I got a response let alone an interview!!! It truly is a miracle