lifesuxsodanz
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2004 1 June :: 11.06pm
I want a boy...
a new one...all pretty and shiny
with all the latest features
one who wont hurt me
and won't confuse me
and the instructions are right there in the box
in ENGLISH
he should already be put together
I'm done picking up broken pieces
no assembly required
I don't know just what makes him tick...makes him work
I shouldn't have to figure it out
batteries included
He doesn't have to last forever
as long as I have my
extended warranty
a money back guarentee as well
because we do invest a lot in these things
to have to live with the defects
~where does she come up with this stuff~
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lizzy
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2004 1 June :: 2.54pm
hehe
hello woohu, long time no see.
6 <3 |
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 1 June :: 12.35pm
summer...kind of sucks so far
sunday was great spent the day at brittney's with kate jeremy and thomas I feel like I havn't seen them in forever. lol ok well I see jeremy in school all the time but still...we don't get a chance to hang out very often but when we do I can always forget everything and just be happy
spent the day catching up on each other's lives told britt and kate all of my latest crazy stories...the world has become increasingly fucked up since we used to play together as little kids. Our lives have changed so much it's kind of scary when you put it into perspective.
Went to the pool...the clubhouse at olympia is ridiculously huge lol just like something out of the OC we shut our eyes and pretended there was a beach on the other side of the fence. Then we went back to the house ordered pizza went to blockbuster. Our idea of babysitting her sister and her friend was sending them upstairs with uptown girls while we stayed downstairs and watched thirteen. lol we really must finish that one day.
all was good until I got home and my mom started with me again...I don't take any shit from her anymore and I pay for it I scream and curse and tell her exactly whats on my mind and I get to her she was up until 6 in the morning because she let me get to her so bad. But I'm supposedly grounded for the week and I can't go to Jason Mraz with danielle on wednesday. idk I have bigger problems to work through at the moment.
All of the depression and the schitzophrenia is flooding back the eating disorders suicidal poetry the morbid thoughts and logic. It's like falling into a trance where everything seems so clear and death makes perfect sense then I snap out of it and realize I could never do it. I can only hope that next time I won't do something stupid before I have a chance to wake up...
That aside I hope everyone's summer is going well...
~Jess~
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alwaysfalling
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2004 31 May :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: red hot chili peppers - under the bridge
this summer has been fun so far. gives me hope for the days to come which is always good.
saturday - cleaned out the barney car, made it all spiffy, cut the grass, and the rest of the night i sat being bored out of my mind.
sunday - spent the day at my grandma's in melbourne. drove up watching peter pan, came back watching brother bear. oh how i love sitting in the back of mini vans watching disney movies, it just makes you feel like a kid. we found out my not so little boy cousins are kissing girls. everyone is growing up. so cute. came home and called briana over to spend the night. had fun.
today - woke up and met ryan at the pool. spent a little time there and then left and went to aunt and uncle's house to celebrate memorial day. went swimming, ate, got tan, drank pina coladas... started the summer off right with the family. came home and went back out to briana's. her and ryan and her pink room. woah. too bright. hung out, watched music videos... dip it low, met up with JB and decided to go swimming after about an hour of deciding what to do. had fun playing categories and marco polo in the pool... "fish out of water!". lol. and now i'm sitting here, the only child now, feeling bad for forgetting to call zach and ashley today. i hope they got to tallahassee safely.
this summer isn't looking that lonely after all. i found a boy, friends to have fun with, and no brother, what else could be better?
where is tina? i miss her. she's supposed to be home by now i thought.
<3 love.
enjoy summer.
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boricuababy
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2004 30 May :: 1.19pm
:: Mood: not so good..but feelin better
:: Music: it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday-boyz II men
wow..this has been a really hectic week..on monday my aunt chavi one of tha twins called me and told me that my other aunt..her sister maria passed away..she died last saturday nite in surgery..so me and my mom took tha first flight out to new york which was on tuesday..we left madd early in tha mornin..when we got there it was really cold..and then we went to my grandma's house in brooklyn and dropped our stuff off and took tha train to east new york for tha wake..wow..it wuz really sad..i wuz really close to my aunt so it really affected me..i got to see my other grandma..ev and chavi my twin aunts..and my dad..my biological dad..that wuz interesting..i dont really wanna get into that tho..so yea den wednesday wuz tha second nite of tha wake..and we went to that..more tears..it wuz even more sad because her baby aj..he's turning two kept going up to the casket trynna wake her up..that broke everyone down..me included..toward the end of the night chavi read the poem henry wrote..imma type it at the end of my entry..and she started to break down a bit..me too..everybody did..u'll see why..thursday was mass..that really got to me too.i cried the most then and then we went to the crematory..so it wuz a really tough week..kuchie (that was her nickname) meant alot to me..we were madd close..she always helped me out with everything..she had the biggest smile..and touched everyone she met..she wuz tha sweetest person and everybody loved her..she wuz really funny and had the best personality..she always wanted me to meet my dad but always respected the fact that i wasn't ready to..she always had my back..we would always chill and hang out during the summer when i would go up to new york..me, her, ev, chavi, luis, and joey would always hang out..i got to see alotta people i haven't seen i like two years but still you kno??..everyone was hurting, grieving and in pain..im glad i got to go tho..it helps alot..iight so here's the poem...
.. A Lost ..
Trying to accept..that you passed away...
Trying to cope..wondering the reason..why??
Im just here wishing..this day would have never come...
You left too soon...
You left too early...
Now your baby is going to be raised without a mommy...
But don't worry...
He has a big loving family to watch him for you...
But you can watch him too...
From where you're at now, sky's above...
Heaven..you're his angel..
Like he was yours
Send him your guidance; send him your love...
As for us...
We will have to understand...
It was your time to go...
But..it doesn't feel right...
Feels so wrong..so cold...
All this hate and anger building up inside...
Don't know what to do..
Just cry, cry, cry...
Miss you...
Keep thinking...
That at anytime you'll be walking through the doors...
What I'll give to just hear your voice...
To say anything...something...HOLLA..Booger Butt..just once more...
To see you smile...to hear you laugh...to hold you in our arms again..
I...just don't believe you're gone...
A daughter, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a love and a friend...
A beautiful person like yourself should have not went...
But they say...
God knows what's best...
God knows what he is doing...
God only takes the good...the best...
Miss you...
Now you're in Heaven, sky's above...
Looking down upon us...
Like a star...shining bright...
Breaking through the clouds...like a ray of light...
You might be gone in physical form...
But you're still here...
Forever alive in our hearts, minds and souls...
We miss you...we love you...
I will not say goodbye...
But I will say...
I'll see you later Booger Butt..
~by: Henry Fabian Gonzalez-May 23, 2004
Rest In Peace: Maria "Kuchie" Flores
October 22, 1970-May 22, 2004
4 <3 |
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 29 May :: 1.47pm
:: Mood: bitter
*sigh* I give up on them...
I think what I love most about you is the way you make me want to rip my hair out...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
bleh...nvm that
It's the 1st day of summer, not very eventful I did laundry, cleaned, sat around staring at the ceiling, waited...talked to jimmy and danielle. Just got back from a nice long walk with lucky (my dog for all the slow people out there) it's hot outside its hot inside its just hot...welcome to florida.
Last night was...odd theres no other way to say it. After I got home from the movies I sat around online until all hours of the morning. then evan called wanting me to come over he was real drunk but i was bored so i talked to him for a while...hopefully the rest of my 2 weeks b4 summer school wont suck so bad...going to see some of my bestest and oldest friends 2morrow it been forever since we were together so thats cool
heh my keyboard locked up so ive been typing this whole thing w/my mouse on this onscreen keyboard thingy i found...how resourseful am i?
~much love~
Jess
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 28 May :: 11.36pm
Quiz: Tell me about your first...
| day at school: | my pre-school crush was in my class and asked me to sit next to him *sigh* | | kiss: | real kiss?...dominic...nuff said | | girlfriend/boyfriend: | Brian Hogan 6th grade... | | time getting high: | I was too drunk to figure out how to use the pipe...me too dumb to be a stoner whoda thunk it | | time drinking: | awesome...until I puked all over my friends bathroom...lightweights learn not to mix their liquor early on | | date: | I screwed up the movie times and we ended up having to see some odd random movie full of old people..eventually snuck into an R movie worthy of us making out in | | time having sex: | drunken whorish mistake...but all turned out well...no regrets | | time you asked someone out: | HA! I don't do that...not my job | | time you ate sea food: | I was afraid of shrimp...I thought they would come alive in my mouth : \ | | time getting in trouble for something really big: | SHort Version:handcuffs alcohol drug paraphanalia staying up until 4am ripping up my diary & every shred of incriminating evidence in my room...the destruction of my happiness | | detention: | lol I was talking in band class in 7th grade...What a funny little bald man Mr. Patsis was | | time getting a filling: | mmm I love that gas stuff...it's like nyquil only betterl | | fist fight: | wanna start something? | | time you cut yourself: | I couldn't do it... | | questioned existance: | fourth grade...I thought I had the wisdom of the ages, I'm pretty sure I did and I just grew out of it *sigh* |
Tell me about your first.. brought to you by BZOINK!
I swear I wasn't this pathetic all night...saw Shrek 2 with michelle that movie is fuckin awesome I <3 puss in boots. It's all over I think I said goodbye to 3 people...I just don't care.
~Jess~
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bocaheath05
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2004 28 May :: 1.00pm
Basics
name: heather
age: 15
shoe size: 9
My______thinks I am....
dad: in 8th grade
mom: insane
sibling (s): annoying
best friend: gurney hatin silly person
boyfriend/girlfriend: dont have one
Favorites
band: RUSH (at the moment)
beverage: cran-grape juice
color: pale pink
article of clothing: navy american eagle pants and off the shoulder pink express shirt
subject: art
time of the day: 10 at night
TV show: don't have one...
Choose one
live forever/die young: live forever
yankees/braves: yankees
radio/TV: tv
real mail/e-mail: read mail
cell phone/home phone: cell
blind/deaf: neither
republican/democrat: democrat
pro-choice/pro-life: pro-choice
evolution/creation: evolution
Friends
best: amela
most annoying: mmm. cant say
funniest: jessica urban
prettiest: hmm..ari. def
the one you'd like to be stranded with: emily
someone you WISH could be your friend: all those drummers that graduated. OH and someone else but i don't want ya'll to know
most likely to end up in jail: jessica brandi
Random
Best/Worst
Worst/Best thing that has ever been served to you (talking about food here): worst: i don't know/ best: chinese chicken salad at cheesecake factory
worst/best year of your life: Worst: 7th grade year/ Best: this year
worst/best relationship: never had anyworst/best cd: worst: whatever one the macarena is on /best: the RUSH one we listen to in jessica's car
One word describe yourself: unique
describe your room: yellow and blue
describe your family: varied, loud and outgoing
describe your appearance: brown hair and eyes
describe your social life: fun and jewish
Personal quesitons
Do you enjoy life?: yes
Are you envious of others?: def
Do you try your best?: no
What is your personal motto?: Life's too short, if you don't atop and look around once in a while you might miss it
-Ferris Bueller
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?: to get to the other side
When was the last time you were picked on?: probably today
...by who?: alex m
When was the last time you skipped school?: last friday and went driving with jessica
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?: fruits
Do you like the smell of rain?: rain smells?
If you had to sell your soul for one thing, what would it be?: a lacoste shirt and a shelby GT 500
If you had to rename your hometown, what would you call it?: i don't know
If you could choose the way you died, what would it be?: never!
if you had to choose the title of your autobiography, what would it be?: you think you know...but you have no idea. this is the life of heather
if you could commit one crime w/o being caught, what crime?: um...can't say
If you could read the mind of anyone you know, who would it be?: someone really smart during the AP exam
if you had to cancel one day of the week forever, which day would go?: monday. cause then there will never be a case of the mondays
Can you touch your toes?: yep
Last question...
Why is E.J. the most awesome person in the whole wide world?!?: who's EJ?
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bocaheath05
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2004 27 May :: 8.40pm
i am looking forward to summer. i am gone from everyone...
iluvBITP: we have to both have something we cannot leave without
iluvBITP: like for me a lacoste, and for you....
Drift Banana: ...
Drift Banana: a mini skirt
Drift Banana: ?
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alwaysfalling
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2004 26 May :: 8.15pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: rooney - stay away
school is over in 2 days? i can't believe it and i'm so happy/sad about the whole thing. happy because this is the summer i turn 16, which means i get to drive wherever i want, whenever i want and sad because this is when i have to say goodbye to ashley cline, who i will miss dearly.
so today i went to pick up my car. my dad drove it home and he was like, "this is a nice car. maybe we will trade and you can have my car." i would love if this happened. for one, my dad's car is smaller and already has a cd player in it and plus it's a stick-shift which i think would be fun to drive once i learned. the only problem at the moment is that the car is a stick-shift and i need a lot more practice in learning how to drive it. we'll see i guess. at least i have a car. that's all i care about. my 14 year-old cousin was like, "you really want that car?" and i was like, "trust me patrick, when you turn 16 you aren't going to care about what kind of car it is"... by the way... it's a 95 oldsmobile ninety-eight. i am going to pimp out in that car like a old lady should be pimping in it.
hmm... done? yeah i think thats about it.
oh yeah... yesterday was my mom's birthday... she was depressed, really depressed. it was sad, really sad.
love. <3
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 26 May :: 6.07pm
It's been a while...I havn't been updating anywhere though there has been much to say. The petty details of my days are pointless and my depression is repetitive. There is just not much more to life right now.
I have this sick and twisted project that I have yet to fully commit myself to. If I do manage to become as wrapped up in it as its success will soon require It will abolosh all doubt in the suspicions that I am nothong more than evil hellspawn sent to hurt everyone and everything I touch just for the sake of furthering my own happiness. What an inane goal it is, for happiness to me is like a high that wears off all too quickly. And life is certainly not my drug of choice.
I don't care what the slogans and ad campaigns say, life has all the potency of virgin pina coladas and second hand smoke. It'll make you fat, it will kill the innocent but there is no such thing as being high on life. As odd as it sounds I believe the only people stong (or perhaps weak) enough to derive pleasure from life are the twisted souls. Those people who can corrupt the everyday to their will, who can manipulate reality and it's drones to their own benefit without remorse and force a smile on their face. If such things are beyond your effort and ability...there are other unnatural highs to be found, other ways to simulate happiness. Is it pathetic? I still don't know...maybe its life thats pathetic... But my point still remains, there is no happiness to be found in simply living...those days are long dead.
Don't even bother disagreeing, this may only be true for people like me I'm not naive...maybe there are no people like me...odds are there are millions. Everyone gets depressed everyone has a darkness though some of us wear it like armor. I don't possess the ability to supress it as some do, and I'm not quite sure that I envy them for it.
no matter what I write there is no point, it's like I have said all of the words in the world and all other speech is superfluous. It seems like all i'm facing in life is endings it's all I'm looking forward to. Waiting...for the end of the day, the week, the year, the end of friendships, the end of an era, the end of my sanity. Like I'm patiently sitting here waiting for death, and I havnt the strength to take matters into my own hands...
~Jess~
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spinoangel
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2004 26 May :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: the jealous sound - recovery room
i need the recovery room
sigh. days are a lot different when you get the right amount of sleep. all school days should be like this, dont you think? today i took english and art exams. they were alright. tomorrow is spanish and precal. should study. but havent started. procrastinating majorly. oh well. <3 hmmm. i feel like i need to do a project right now. i have the perfect one in mind. but anyways.... yeah i'm happy. not THAT excited about summer, but its definitely a step up from school. however my parents are very... frustrating sometimes. they won't let me have a car.... wont let me even drive alone... so whats the point of having my license? there really is none. stupid stupid. so i have to have a babysitter wherever i go or be taken by someone else. isnt that great? ugh. they trust other kids to drive me alone but they dont trust me to drive alone? and insurance costs too much. understandable reasons i guess. im still pissed though. will i end up being the only one who can't drive? grrrrrrrrrr. sigh. anyways. yeah. cant wait for it all the be over.
i love this song so much, i'm almost angry/regretful that i'm not angry and depressed.
she stood there in her summer dress
wind caught her hair and failed to confess
i smiled as we raced through the night
my hand caught her wings then nothing felt right
i know that i left you for dead
don't give up so soon
because you know that we all have a bed
it's waiting for you in the recovery room
just forget everything that i said
washed out the wounds, walls painted red
waiting for you in the recovery room
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bocaheath05
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2004 25 May :: 7.31pm
have you ever seen this side of mr. perel?
Shortystuff822: i am def sorry for starting shit with u the other day, i didnt mean to piss u off in the way it did, dont hold a grudge because i am truly trying to be a guinine friend to u lol belive it or not, and i duno what if ne thing can i do to get u to talk to me or not be mad at me....im trying to be a good person for once lol
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boricuababy
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2004 24 May :: 8.46pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: lemme ride dat donkey donkey
-amara this is our songgggggg!!!!!!!!!
grrr..exams start tomoro..not good..i have my chem exam tomoro..i shudd be studying..but no i rather sit here and talk to my sammi, my meli, and my amycita!! PROCRASTINATING IS ALWAYS FUN!!..lol..well guyz amyz re-named me..so my new name according to amy is kailottery..lmao..yupp yupp..thanx gurl..lol
meli: im glad ur eye stopped twitching!!..lol..and i hope ur throat feels betterrrrr
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 23 May :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: cold
Bad Night...
I feel like pushing extremes...like giving up
I wanna drink myself unconcious
scream myself hoarse
bleed myself dead
I wanna let myself go
run away from life
and responsibility
and all of my prospects
because in reality they are bleak
my efforts are all doomed to be fruitless
and once I have lost it all in the end
there will be no one by my side
no one who cares enough to make the pain go away
I'm tired
tired of waiting for that one guy
to get his shit together
for any guy to get his shit together
to get my own shit together
I want to lose myself in this escapists reality
hold the first person I see
just for blind comfort
I left my standards behind long ago
I want to saturate my system
in all means of synthetic euphoria
nothing is real anyway
so fuck reality
I'll just drift until I hit the sun...
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