lifesuxsodanz
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2004 22 September :: 8.52pm
forgive me...
im so sorry woohu...: (
I don't want us to drift apart too
I feel like I don't even know certain people anymore it's so sad and NO it's not michelle she always thinks i'm talking about her.lol
School is upsetting everyone has beaten it to death I won't go into the details....but it truely is disheartening to actually try and care and still not excel...I mean as of now I think I have straight Bs except for As in english and dance....that's really not so bad but I am BUSTING my ass for those mediocre grades and it can really only go down from here. Last year I got Bs just from not doing anything and when I think of all the slacking off I did....man if I tried last year I woulda ha straight As it's ridiculous. But actually giving a shit does come with the stress and the obligation to do well...these days I will stay up until 2am and study even if I know it won't help....just so I can say I tried I feel guilty if I don't.
So i run on 3-4 hours of sleep and don't eat much during the day and typically don't get home until about 6:30 and it is having some major side effects. I keep slippin gback into that altered hormonal state of conciousness where I get these depressed breakdowns and rage outbursts I can't control it. I had one of my episodes while I was driving somewhere last weekend and ended up alone in some random parking lot in the middle of the night
in a kinda bad area just trying to calm the fuck down and get home. It was scary.
I really can't even think about guys right now...there is this one guy who seems nice but shy and I don't approach him unless people force me to. I'm not into persuing anything right now I just need a nice happy thought....when you get close to people you realize they are assholes at heart it's just a general rule.
maybe I'll find someone to get "close" with at Danielle party haha. I'm loving this fuck homecomming idea hopefully it will work out.
wow this was pretty depressing good thing no one pays attention to this journal anymore.
I missed you woohu
<3
5 <3 |
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dmlxoxo
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2004 22 September :: 5.30pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: stand by me- oasis
stand by me, no body knows, the way its gunna be.....
things have been very uneventful lately....boring- for a change. schools been good, i guess, or as good as school can be, because lets face it...its school. all my classes are going well for the most part, but i miss my schedule from last year. bio, 6th period lunch, 8th period italian, mrs. kuklis....im having trouble putting in to words what an amazing year last year was for me. you dont come by years like that so often...and wow, that totally makes me seem like a grandma, like ive lived such a long 15 years that i can say something like that. that reminds me of the time that someone came into the flair house this summer and called me ma'am...i turned around and looked for someone assuming that it couldnt have possibly been me who was "ma'am", and when i finally realized that it was me, i was like um, yeah, i dont think so.
woah, tangent- anyway.....
in other news....crappy car broke the other day on evandale. the people at toyota said that theres a shitload of stuff wrong with it, which means we'll probably have to sell it which means that i dont have to have to drive it when i get older. score one for me :), i get good car now :) :)
the downside to having crappy car be broken: there was a teensy shot at us going back to the beach this weekend, which obviously, i was totally psyched about, but since crappy is the car with the permit to park at the ferry and since it may still be broken, i dont know if we'll make it out there. we'll see.
thats pretty much it for now- xoxo dml
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dmlxoxo
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2004 18 September :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
i was okay until i called them....
why the hell would i do such a stupid thing? i knew it would just make it 10 times worse, but i picked up the phone regardless and called zack. i heard everyones voices, laughing and talking and having an amazing time---but i wasnt there. i was jealous, sad, but most of all, i missed them so much, and i just, broke down. im now sitting here crying my eyes out, felling like i have nothing to be sad about, but its one of those things where you're so heartbroken to be away from the people u love so much, that its almost like a physical pain. all i want is to be back with them, nothing more, nothing less.
stupid as this may sound, and it may also make me sound conceited, i dont know nor do i mean it to come off that way, but i want to know that im being thought about. after the summer is over, friends have a tendency to let eachother drift apart, both people could be online, but they choose not to talk to eachother----that is my biggest fear. i dont want to drift away from these people i care so much about. i want them to know that theyre all thats on my mind, but most of all, i want to know that theyre thinking about me too. in fire island, i know that theyre thinking about me every time they call me on the phone or come to see me at work, but when school starts, work and other people may take my place....i want them to remember me and how much i love them and how much they loved me.
....i really have no idea where i was going with this, i just needed to get this all out.
i left my heart in ocean beach 3.
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dmlxoxo
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2004 18 September :: 5.11pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: city of angels- red hot chili peppers
no matter how many times i say see u later, theres never a goodbye like the last one
i just got home from fire island, and once again this is going to be one of those sulky, depressive, reflection entries so if those things make u sad or annoyed, i suggest u dont read this. this was the first weekend since the summer that everyone was there [excluding nick, but he was sorely missed...]. it honestly had just felt like i had never left. the day i got there i went to victorias house and just layed out by her pool and listened to the "songs of the summer" cd i had made for everyone, and just laying there listening to those songs that reminded me of the summer, laying by a pool in the sun hearing the ocean crashing against the shore, even having that irritating sand between my toes and inside my bathing suit, just made me long for the summer. being with all of my friends, i felt like i was home again. on friday we all went to justins house and had a huge water fight with water guns and hoses and water balloons- it was amazing. i was standing on justins deck, soaking wet in a boys bathing suit bottom and an oversized trangleball shirt, freezing cold and uncomfortable as hell, when i realized: this is what i love. it doesnt matter how uncomfortable i am or how cold or anything, but when i hear their voices and see their smiles...THATS what its all about. after the water fight we all went home to our respectable houses and then came back later for movie night since it had started to rain. we watched jay and silent bob strike back which was retarded, but it didnt matter. i was lying on the couch in morgans arms, and just feeling him against me---i wansnt ready to leave that. its only so often in life that u come across something like that and i realized that when i looked into his eyes and he kissed me. this morning i said goodbye to everyone....not see u next weekend, but a final goodbye. it was one of the hardest things ive ever had to do, fighting those tears back when i all i wanted to do was cry so hard. saying goodbye to morgan was the hardest of all- that kid was my world this summer, and regardless of what anyone else has to say about it, he made me truly and genuniely happy, a happiness that i have yet to come by in my lifetime many times before. thank god for the short distance, we're having set dates where we're going to hang out every month. this group....no, this FAMILY, that we're grown to become this summer cannot last 10 whole months without seeing eachother, and so we're not going to let that happen.
to my fire islanders- i love u all more than you could ever know, and each and every one of u has a special place in my heart. you are my world, and no one could take your places. thank you for being my rock when i needed u to be, for making me smile when i felt like all i could do was frown, and for helping me maintain this everlasting happiness that i found when i found all of u. i love u with all my heart.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY JUSTIN
thats all for now- danielle*morgan
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christini
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2004 18 September :: 12.34pm
it will be a miracle if i get all a's and b's this quarter.
i hate junior year,
but i love all the fun that has come out of it. i feel like im slowly letting go of my studies and that frightens me a bit.
my parents still think im striving for national merit scholarship and all that junk, when all i want is to do the bare minimum to get my behind into UF. cause frankly, i'm sick of working hard. but then on the other side, i dont know how i'd react to seeing a c on my report card. shrug. i wish it just came more easily to me like it does to some people.
have a nice weekend.
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spinoangel
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2004 17 September :: 6.45pm
:: Music: tech romance
dude crying is like... ugh. i dont know WHY i'm freaking crying. its not right. am i lonely, am i tired, am i frustrated? idk what the hell i am. i want for someone to just hold me for like hours but im too scared to ask my parents to take me down to boca when we're going north to eat dinner and probably see a movie. sniff. i dont know.
live just gets to ya sometimes.
=*(
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boricuababy
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2004 15 September :: 11.01pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: angel of mine
itz crazy how things like this just happen..
well it started off as a pretty good day..normal stuff..then brice told me what happened..yesterday his cousin and one of his closest friends got into a really bad car accident..it was two guys..koby and willy..koby died in the accident..he was just 19..willy got hurt so bad that his leg had to be amputated..so many people were affected by what happened..especially the football players..koby graduated last year from ATL..i didnt know him personally but i knew of him and knew some of his friends..today before cheer practice we went to the AV room with all the football players and some basketball players so Coach Bean and some other people could talk about what happened..we went out of respect u kno??..neways..it was really sad..Coach Bean was saying all these really nice things about koby and what a great person he was..and how motivated and determined he was too..and he just broke down crying..and with me i get emotional easily when it comes to things like that..so i got all teary eyed..after some coaches and teachers spoke football players spoke about him too..wagums got up there and said really nice things so did CJ and preston..and alot of other guys too..all the guys were in tears..it was sad..it really makes you think everything over..and realize what's truly important in life..it's true what they say "live life to the fullest" and "live every day like it's ur last"..because u never know what could happen..and unfortunately it takes something this tragic to realize it all
R.I.P Koby Pierre 1985-2004
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boricuababy
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2004 14 September :: 7.39pm
:: Mood: jumpyyy
:: Music: 99 problems
wow..itz definately been a whileeeeee...
sorry..havent updated in a while..errr...i been so busyyy lately tho..cheerleading..school in general..all that good stuff..well to pick up where i left off..damage to my house due to frances consisted of shingles flying off the roof..the screen blown out and no power..our power was out for like a week..but i spent that week at my dadz which was pure hell..but hey it was better than being without light or air..oh by the way..for those of u who dont kno yet..i made a live journal too..so i'll be going back n forth..it's waves_of_hope.so check it out if u get a chance..immma still write in here tho..x0x0
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dmlxoxo
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2004 7 September :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: depressed
wishin i was back in 11770....
waking up to a silent bedroom, in a silent house, and putting ur feet on a carpeted floor that isnt scattered with sand can be oddly disturbing when ur so homesick for the summer. when all u want is to hear the crashing of the ocean and the noise from the houses next door, to hear ur cell phone ring and know its ur friends calling because they want u to come to wherever they are, when u want to be on the beach at night with ur friends and ur boyfriend laughing and talking and kissing ;)......god do i miss the summer. i feel like it just came to a crashing halt yesterday when i walked back into the suburban house that i call "home". i miss everyone so fucking much, and it puts such a spin of negativity on everything. i find myself glued to the computer screen talking to someone from fire island or waiting for a fire islander to sign online so i can talk to them. they are the MOST incredible people. its such a contrast too, coming from a place where everyone gets along, no one gossips, and the boys and the girls are social....together- then being back in edgemont where all there is is gossip, everyones always fighting and the guys and the girls barely ever talk. its such a reality check...i dont care what anyone says, its not like this everywhere, its EDGEMONT.
wow tangent.
so anyway, i miss my fi kids so much. i swear i almost cried last night.
"damn i miss u already"
i miss them. i miss them all so fucking much. i swear to god if i make it through this week without crying over them itll be a miracle.
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in other news, i need to go shopping REALLY badly. i havent been to a mall in 2 whole months. i made over $2000 ths summer and i have a major urge to spend it. lemme know if u wanna go to the mall with me on friday.
im out for now, see u all tomorrow----schools here. oh god. i hate that.
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dmlxoxo
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2004 5 September :: 11.58pm
:: Mood: sad
"it started out just like any summer..."
tonight was the last night of my summer. tomorrow's labor day, which means a lot of things- too many day trippers, sales in all the stores, all u can eat pancake breakfasts and the end of the summer. everyone leaves tomorrow, my summer family that has grown so close this year is splitting apart tomorrow and all going their separate ways.
this summer was the most incredible summer ive ever had. i grew so much throughout it, mentally and emotionally. it was a learning experience, mostly in the sense that ive come to learn who i really am, through the experiences and mistakes ive made throughout the summer. but most of all, this summer was complete and the most amazing summer ever because of the people i shared it with- my friends. in the past summers ive spent out here, never before this one have i developed such a strong bond with a group of people. i spent everyday with them all day long, and until 1130 every night. i got to know each and every one of them on a level that i didnt know was possible to reach in just 2 months. every single one of them is special to me in a different way, and i love u all with all of my heart.
::victoria::out of everyone here, i think i can relate to u the best. ur always here when i need someone to talk to and ur not afraid to tell me when im wrong, u keep me in check. this summer u and i grew to have a sisterly relationship. we've shared tears and smiles, been through good and bad, but no matter what, u always were here to hold my hand when i needed guidance, and i was always ur shoulder to cry on.
::jenna::u make me laugh like no other person i can think of, weather u mean to or not. ur my personal entertainment center. 11 years of a best friendship and still going....thanks for the memories.
::jordana::u always guide me in the right direction and can keep cool when i cant. im so glad we had a chance to become close this summer, ur friendship means a lot to me and im going to miss u like crazy.
::zack::ive never felt so loved by someone in my whole life, and this summer u showed me that there are people that no matter what, will always be there for me, and u are one of them. even at my lowest low, when u didnt even want to talk to me, u stayed up until 3 in the morning "burning ur minutes" to listen to me cry as u calmed me down on the other end of the reciever. that is the definition of a true friend, ur ALWAYS there for me. thank u for always being there, for reminding me every day how much u love me, and for telling me how special i am to u- because sometimes, even though some people think my ego is the size of the post office- i need to hear that for my own self esteem. i credit this amazing summer to u, because u selflessly always put me before urself, and i dont know anyone who would do that for me but u. i love u so much, thank u for being one of the best friends i have, i could never ask for anything more.
::justin::u r by far one of the funniest people i know. ur unlimited supply of hugs and kisses---and butt squeezes---make my day. u stick by me through anything, even when u think im wrong, and are understanding and comforting through everything. thanks for keeping me smiling, even when i thought my smile was broken, u always knew how to fix it again :)
::nickycap::uve grown to become one of my best friends. u give me advice when i need it, and u, like victoria, arent afraid to tell me when im wrong. thanks for making me smile endlessly with our "we're so white, we're black" convos, and thanks for rocking out with me. ur so good at rocking out :)
and last but not least...
::morgan::one of the biggest reasons this summer was as amazing as it was, was because of u. being with u for august was indescribable, i was so unbelievably happy the entire time, being held in ur arms, being kissed by u, and most of all, sharing the "like" that we had for eachother. most of all, though, id like to thank u for my 2nd chance. not many guys would even consider giving me another chance to gain ur respect back, let alone be ur girl after what i did to u. u are incredible and i cant thank u enough for doing that. because of u, we had the end of this summer to share together and next summer as well. thanks for being my guy this summer---and keep that pony around, u may need it next year ;)
"wake up the dawn and ask her why, a dreamer dreams, she never dies, wipe that tear away now from your eye, slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannon ball, where were you while we were getting high? someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky, someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova, a champagne supernova in the sky, cuz people believe that theyre gunna get away from this summer, and you and i will never die, the worlds still spinning round we dont know why, why why why, someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky, someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova, champagne supernova in the sky....."
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dmlxoxo
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2004 4 September :: 12.06am
:: Mood: content
finally things are back to normal
so last night i finally became fed up with the way things were with morgan and i. i couldnt deal with having him hate me. hate is such a strong word, he told people that he hated me with a passion. thats as bad as being dispised, and coming from a person who i liked and respected, that really really hurt my heart. i accused him of lying to me...he told me he wanted to be my friend, he told me he wanted to have everything be normal- he lied. a friend doesnt go around telling people that they hate u- thats not a friend, at least not one that i want to have. we talked last night for about an hour, and it was honestly the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. for once i felt like he opened up to me, told me how he was feeling. ive never seen him admit to being emotionally hurt by anything before, but through talking to him i saw that he was. after having him curse me out for being stupid and making a "bitch move" and telling me that i should expect to be hated, i finally told him why i was talking to him. i told him that i wanted him to give me another chance to gain his respect back. after him shooting me down once or twice, i finally convinced him to think about it, to think about the person he knew me as, and if that old danielle was important to him, to give me another chance to prove to him that i can still be that girl.
dmlxoxo: im sorry everyday that i did it, because of the respect that i have for u and the feelings that i still have for u too
dmlxoxo: obviously those feelings and respect are lacking for me though
SirLmO1017: i still respect u and i still have feelings for u, but i just dont understand y u did it danielle
SirLmO1017: i would much rather be with u than be at the status that we're at right now but im just having such a hard time comprehending what u did
i finally got to see what was going on inside his head, and moreover, his heart. i hurt him, and i got to see it, he opened up---finally. after that hour of talking, we ended up deciding that what we had with eachother was something that we were both willing to work at keeping, and we werent ready to give it up because of the stupid mistake that i made that put a strain on things. he wore my pony tonight, it put such a smile on my face to see it there again. and even more than that, he kissed me.
we're back. yes :).
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sameen
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2004 3 September :: 3.11pm
no one can make u feel inferior without your consent
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sameen
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2004 3 September :: 3.06pm
peanut butter jelly, peanut butter jelly, peanut butter wit a baseball bat
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dmlxoxo
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2004 2 September :: 11.54pm
:: Mood: tired
a breif account of the past few days....
finally, having a guilty conscience won me over- i needed to do the right thing and come clean with morgan, risking our relationship and his friendship with aaron. all that night my stomach was churning just thinking of what i was going to do, but just to make it worse, since rarely does morgan show emotion, i had no idea how he was going to react. the time had finally come when i decided to take him aside. he didnt have the slightest clue what i was talking about, i would hint and hint and hint, but because it was me, and since it was something that i would NEVER do, but did anyway, he had no idea what was coming. he was thoroughly and completely shocked, but since we had never determined our status he didnt know what to think. he didnt say much, but i could see it in his expression. he couldnt look me in the face....he couldnt even look me in the goddamn face, and that killed more than anything else. "i just really want to be ur friend" he told me- he lied. today i find out that he told everyone that he hated me. i can deal with not being liked by people i dont care about and even those who i do care about, but i cant stand to be hated by anyone---especially when im so far from hating them.
im talking to him right now about it and so far it not going anywhere, he cursed me off at the beginning and now towards the end i think he may be coming around a little. its gunna take some time.
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sameen
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2004 2 September :: 6.32pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Old 80's/90's music
so damn hot but so youngg- ok that's not that 90's music lol
I think my houses is one of the few houses that the windows rn't boarded up lol. I think besides that, we're ready. My mom spent $80 just on candles- she's crazy. She loves candles and flowers- what girl doesn't, I guess? Everything in our house is falling apart neway lol, so I think my parents dont care at this point. But in all seriousness I hope everyone does stay safe and takes the right precautions.
I wonder where we will all be in two years from now ? I guess another chapter in the book of our lives. I really hope I keep in touch wit some of u ppl tho, cuz some of u totally rock. If u dont know how u r, somethin wrong witchu! Seriously, we all have so much potential. We CAN be the people who CHANGE THE FREAKIN WORLD, if we apply ourselves. Everything starts with an intention. And if ur intention is strong enough, God sees it through.
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