foobz
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2008 12 November :: 1.41pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: fall out boy - i don't care
but in the alley, it ain't that cheap.
i hate drama, but i hate having to be one of the stand-bys of a dramatic situation. it's nearly impossible to stay friends with both parties. i'm trying though. it's even more difficult when one won't tell you where they're gonna be that week and the other refuses to give you a means of communication with them.
i know how upset YOU are. i know how sorry YOU are. i'm just not allowed to open my mouth about it to the other person. wtf. i'm going insane.
oh and now i can't get ahold of either of these fuckers.
i swear they say one thing and turn around and change their minds within 5 sec. but i'd honestly rather deal with him than her now. sounds shitty to say but it's true and i have my reasons and you'll never know them.
unless you ask. in which case i'll tell you no. or yes. but probably no.
it's one of those situations where you know they love each other more than anything and you just KNOW you're supposed to be crashing the afterparty of their wedding, but they're both the most stubborn people i know. ever in the whole world. i've never seen either person more pathetic and fucked up when they are away from the other. but do they see any of this? nope.
they won't ever get over each other and will probably drink themselves into oblivion because neither of them can man-up and say what they need to.
OMG
2 Ghosts |
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foobz
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2008 10 November :: 8.44pm
it's all just part of the fairytale
i hate the people i live with and i'm pretty sure the people i want to live with just might hate me.
in other news, my knees feel like they are breaking.
back to you!
the weather is forecasted to be really dramatic with showers of china, glass, and peoples hurt feelings. dress appropriately.
also give your vehicle ample time to warm in the mornings
i hate responsibility
but love being cryptic
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xjayk
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2008 3 October :: 9.40pm
Stoaked!
Tattoo on Sunday! Maybe a peircing it all depends on what Jeff wants to do. Thads getting a sleeve and I'm contimplating where I want to get mine, I'm getting four more so I'm trying to figure out where to put them. :D
I want to hang out with my friends but no ones called me. Lame. I wanted also to get ahold of Hill but I think she's at work right now so that's also crossed off the list. I think I'm going to cut this short because my computers about to die but yes.
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xjayk
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2008 24 September :: 11.34am
Its been some time now hasn't it?
I've been working alot, not only at Meijer (that of which I quit earlier but I'll get into that more later) but also school, floral shop, and in and out of hospitals. Yeah that damn H word again.
I guess I'll start from the top that way it only makes sence. :D
I began working at Meijer durring the summer working about 40 - 50 hours a week which was fine, it was summer after all and I needed the cash. Things went well there and then school came up after working the same amount of hours and school it just didn't pan out so I asked if they could cut my hours which they did, not by much and I could hardly tell the difference but I was also realizing my body wasn't acting right. At first I thought the extreame pain was due to exhausten thinking that I may have overworked myself so I went to the doctor when he told me it wasn't that and put me on Darvocet. The darv. did nothing for the pain and it began to get worse and worse until it would leave me in pure agony, I couldn't move or stay still without being in pain so I returned to the doctor. Apparently, the pain I've been dealing with is more than likely endometreosis, but they wont know for sure until I undergo the surgery. Until then its 1000mg of vicodin every 4 hours and hopefully they'll be able to do something about it. Then it was time for work so I walked up to my manager and explained everything that was going on hoping she would be sympathetic and understand when I say I'm in pain I mean it. She said she understood but last night while I was working I was in such extreame mounts of pain that my vision was impared and I begged her to find a replacement she said no and to take a 15min break, so I did and when I returned to work I dropped. Straight to my knees shaking and she walked right passed me. I called my dad telling him to help and when he showed up to help me I had already put in my two week notice. There was no way I could work like that anymore. No, I can't sit there and take someone ripping out my uterus durring work and then someone try to tell me I'm 'overdramatizing everything.' Sure lady.
So I'm almost done with that place and I'm glad but what can I do you know?
I'm not sure if that made much sence but whateve.
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xjayk
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2008 11 August :: 11.09pm
This has been the most hectic week.
Monday I got my wisdom teeth taken out and it hurt like a bitch. I apparently hold the record of how many times woken up durring a surgery and how much medication needed. Something to be proud of.
Tuesday the Boston family came over. I was in horrible pain but still gave piggy back rides, took pictures and layed out by the pool watching my babies swim. But eventually the pain was too much and I left the marina to go get some pain meds and some much needed sleep.
Wends. I went to Saugatuck with everyone it was a beautiful day and we deffinetly didn't take it for granted. Then back to the marina for some boat rides and sun soaking.
Thursday I got up early to go to work. Afterwards I went home got some shut eye and again out to play soccer and watch the girls dance like Hanna Montana. Their good for a laugh. Marley is a little lady now, nothing like the baby I remembered but she still snuggles up on my lap right before bed just like before. And Abby now she's a spit fire if I've ever seen one. She's insane, but lovely.
All the other days were spent downtown and in Saugatuck along with cookouts and bonfires with singing. I taught the girls songs that our family has sung since we came to America and Michelle finally got some Michelle time. :D We all laughed while the girls sang Brick HOuse and that one song "Lovin' is what I got, I said remember that" I dunno it was an amazing night.
God I can't believe their gone. The days all meshed together so nicely it sempt as if they where here for only a day. The family doesn't seem whole anymore. There's a place missing I can feel it grow bigger the further they drive. Their almost to New York now and things are begining to settle back into the way it was before they arrived. No one talks, we stay in our seperate rooms, and I wont be seen for days at a time, Gary will get angry and mom will shut down, Chrissy will complain in her journal and Alex will play video games. The sun was out today but it doesn't seem to have the same affect without them here to share it with.
One more year
One more year until I get to see my girls faces. Look at my Uncle Bob while he's telling a joke and watch my mother have someone to talk to other than myself. One more year until we're a family again. Until then I'll stay at my fathers with this side. Where dad will sing to Chode Master and Thaddeus and him will form an alliance against me and try to kick me out with brut force only to admit their love for me and let me back in. Where my dad will wake up and look over at me glare then punch and skip away. At least I have a family here. But it wont be the same. It cant be. The people I love the most are gone, gone but not lost I guess. I just have to count the days until I get to spend my week with them once again. Just once.
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xjayk
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2008 25 July :: 9.54pm
I take a step back, sifting through old photos and memorabilia and day dreaming of what might have been.
I pass through pictures of long lost friends that even in photos are fading away memories with them. I think of how precious their friendship once was and now how I guess the only way I feel towards them is vacant?
If that is at all possible.
I try to forget about others though their faces are so fresh in my mind and how much I really did treasure them once. Its ashame that things had to end the way they did, but it was my choice to end it as it was, its all about choice and that was mine. To live and let live, to love and lose, to dream and to forget.
I stumble across another picture, this one makes me smile, so few of the thousands of photos I have make me smile anymore.
Its one of Hillary and I dancing through the tulips.
Though the picture itself doesn't show it, its merely Hillary smelling one, but that day that picture evokes so many good memories that I tear up with a large grin.
We danced that day, we laughed, and for what sempt so trivial at the time reigns high as one of the best days of my life, if not the best. Though times were not simple then on that day it was.
It was like running through a feild on extasy, the memory at least depicts it that way. I look at the picture and time stops, and then as soon as I stumbled upon it it is again shuffled away lost amongst all the others.
Here's one, I look so happy both Thad and I do.
We were much younger than we are now and so fresh, all that the picture shows is Thaddeus holding the camera upwards and I trying to sheild myself from the flash in his arms my face burrowed in his chest. A normal picture right? No, not to me.
To me that was the start of the rest of my life, and I knew well enough then that it was.
Funny enough I still feel the same sometimes late at night on his days off when its just him and I and he slowly moves himself closer to me and I again burreo my face in his chest and hold on for dear life and though he's half asleep he'll look down and kiss the top of my head and whisper "I love you".
All of these pictures. Sometimes I wonder what keeps me taking them when I know that I haven't a working computer to work with them on, or a printer to print them out with.
But I always go back, and with every flash of the camera I feel the tulips again, I can feel my face burrowed in Thaddeus' chest, just for that instant - for that millasecond flash I'm there again.
All over again.
All over again
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xjayk
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2008 23 July :: 5.20pm
Job search = shitty
I'm ready to go out and have some fun, I've been stressing over this job thing for way to long, so out I go, get me some peircings, dance with the tranies, and go to the casino. Get away and recollect myself then come home ready to tackle every employer in Holland!
Hillary's birthday is coming up and I'm stoked! My Hillypoo is growin' up so fast. Pretty soon she'll be shootin' out babies, becoming manager, dancing at her wedding, buying a house, getting her tubes tyed, and having a sex change. *sigh* God, I can't believe how old she is. Well at least she'll be moving in with me, even if it is short lived.
Alright we'll I have a headache, so I'm going to take a nap.
Love Sent Your Way
Alicia M Winningham
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xjayk
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2008 16 July :: 3.12pm
My Lord life is going wonderfully.
Maybe I'm just in a good mood because I'm planning a wedding but hey, I'm so happy I feel like I could cry right now. I finnaly figured out what themed wedding I want and I'm totally going for it. Man, my hearts pounding.
Oh Hill if you see this give me a call. I haven't talked to you in forever!
Yes but I had to say that most of my posts are me venting but I can't remember the last time I felt so good I had to tell the world. :D
*sigh*
Being engaged for so long and finally begining to plan shit out feels amazing. :D
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xjayk
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2008 28 June :: 9.27pm
The Count Down To Freedom
Only three to four more months.
Thaddeus is raking in the money and we've finally decided to get a place. Not just any place a house! No more listening to the neighbors have sex or the downstairs neighbor beat his wife senceless. *sigh* We're so excited. Not to mension he's buying me a coat! Yay! Its amazing how bad things can be and then you notice you don't have anywhere to go but up and by God something amazing like this happens.
No worries, its not like we're having babies.... *shifty eyes*
I've been looking for furniture, even though we have some already. I want a matching leather set. I love leather sofas, and matching love seats with the Popa chairs, wowy they make me melt. :D Thad laughed at me today while we were at miejers he was like "Alicia, your getting old, appliances excite you now" ahah its true, it really is.
I just thought I'd add a lame picture like I've been doing with all of my posts lately. You know to keep a theme goin'. Buut hey I'm happy I'm smilling in this picture it fits right?
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xjayk
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2008 27 June :: 1.18am
If I could write down every thought that whisks its way through my mind I would be a top selling novelist, but it seems whenever I sit to write down what I have to say my words get jumbled and confused and I find myself deleting everything. Even now I can't seem to get out what I'd like to say, perhaps that's why I've been running in circles with this post.
I feel as if I've lived 1000 lives each one more and more twisted than the next. I scratch at the scabs perhaps that's the reason they never heal, some I've been told will never but I guess that's life right? I hate that saying 'that's life' it seems to be tied to everything bad that happens, you lose a job 'Well that's life' your boyfriend leaves you for a tramp 'I guess that's life' well my God I really don't feel that's the way it should be at all. Why can't it ever be tied to something great like "I'm having a baby!" 'Well that's life Margret' "It sure is John, it sure is."
I should be estatic, I have a family that loves me, best friends that wouldn't leave my side if I begged them to (Hillary's clingy) and a boyfriend that loves me about 5 out of 7 days of the week. This year is the worst year of my life. I've gone through so much I'm surprised I can keep my head above water, for the most part at least. I have my friends to thank for that, Hillary mainly. She's the only one who I can tell everything to and she'd never hold it over my head. She knows my deepest darkest secret and is there when I'm in self destructive mode over it. Hill never judges, or leads on to. There are times where no one is here in this entire city that I can talk to and it gets a bit rough. Its hard to know I cannot tell Thaddeus everything, but if I did I think he'd be just about as messed up as I am, yet Hill still holds onto some of her sanity.
I really don't know the meaning of this post. But I've had an extreamly hard year and I just needed to get some things off of my chest. Thaddeus threw something in my face today that made me have a horrible flash-back and an anxiety attack from hell, yeah... I don't know I guess this whole thing was kinda pointless but thank you Hillary. You're always there. Always. Thanks.
Only she really knows and understands me, we've been inseperable for damn near 14 years now and I'm lookin' foreward to another 14
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xjayk
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2008 20 June :: 11.27pm
I'm running circles around my mind trying to figure out how much time I've got before these damn fines come in the mail. I feel absolutely horrible about that hole ordeal. I never ment for anyone other than myself to get into any trouble but intensions count for shit.
I might be starting a new job soon. As supervisor of Micheles. I can picture it now name tags and vests. *sigh* It'd be wonderful. I'm really hoping I get it. I have an interview for sure thank God for woman like Jan. She's such a nice woman. I'll bake her a cake to show my gratitude, even though I know Hillary and her dad will end up eating it all. :D
I'm trying to form a relationship with Gladys but she told me that God doesn't want Thaddeus and I together so I guess the whole relationship there isnt gonna happen.
3 Ghosts |
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xjayk
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2008 12 June :: 10.23pm
Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might, have the wish I wish for some new rocket dogs.
Man, if I wasn't so flat broke right now I'd totally go out and get me some new rocket dogs. My last pair of shoes (besides my work out shoes) are ripping from the seames and it tears me apart with every stitch that comes undone. I loved those shoes, we've gone everywhere together I don't know what I'm going to do with out them. I remember the first time I saw them, sitting there like they were thinking 'Alicia, take me home we'll go places together I can see it' and being the woman I am I played hard to get. I'd go back and they were always sitting in the same spot, always looking at me that's why I aproached them I guess and its true we've been together ever since. We danced in the first summers rain when my car broke down, we'd kick the ass of anyone that made us laugh or angered us, so many nights downtown together, running and walking up and down the coblestone sidewalk. I have so many memories that I could write a novel. But unlike a novel I don't see a happy ending for my rocket dogs and I, their on life support and I am contemplating pulling the plug and moving on. Eventually I'll find new Dogs, never any like MY dogs but I think its time. The seames are coming undone.
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xjayk
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2008 10 June :: 10.22pm
So I've been trying to preoccupy myself with things lately, such as drawing, writting, singing, walking, running, driving, getting reconnected with my uncle but non of it really other than talking to my uncle has really been keeping my mind from going completely nuts. Oh and I'm thinking about protesting bras. I hate them right now. But on the other hand if I don't wear them my girls will meet my ancles and well I don't really think I'm prepared for that.
I'm still trying to figure out how my sewing machine works...not so much how it works but how to thread it. Its a complicated one the one I used awhile ago wasn't nearly as complicated. Bah stupid 2006!
Well I really have nothing of substance to write about other than my growing distaste for my sister whom thinks the world is out to get her. Her and her bable bulshit is really getting old. Sometimes I'd really like to just...Well look at me going on in this thing like I was her age. I should be above that by now. Buuut I'm not. :D
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