Speak Now.

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Speak Now.

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:: 2004 24 May :: 10.28pm

I fell into this seperate world, or so it seemed. I was standing, staring at everything all at once; a blur, yet so clear. I couldn't hear anything, silence. And when I awoke, even though I never slept, my head was pounding as the noise that never left seemed to scream inside of me.

I almost cried, then I thought fuck that.

"what?"

:: 2004 21 May :: 9.07pm

I think I need you.
Thunder storms bring back memories.

I'm ready.

:: 2004 16 May :: 12.19pm
:: Music: Finch - Awake

You took the world with you, so what is left for me?
I'm better now.

4 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 15 May :: 3.13pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes -Saturday as usual

I need something to fill up the days.
I'm sorry. I have no one to talk to or write to. So here I am. Don't bother reading this. I'm just going insane. Every day i feel myself leave my skin more and more. I don't know what to do anymore, what to say, what to think, where I'm going, what I'm doing wrong.. I blocked everyone on MSN, except two people or the people that never talk to me. Pulling myself away seems right.

I'm stuck here, and I don't even know where 'here' is. I'm one of those kids, you know the one who sits home on the weekends, with nothing to do.

I could be like him and bitch about people not keeping plans..when in reality he doesn't care. I'm so fucking important to him. I'm so sure. I'm so important to him that I mean nothing. I'm so important that it doesn't matter if I'm going to miss him. So important that when i was paying attention to him all he was thinking about was how others weren't. It's so frustrating. Why do I even bother.. and let it get to me? I shouldn't. But I do. I hope he finds more girls that are "so fucking hot" to make his day. Even though he's the one who said "It's not all about looks, the personailty is what draws us in." Bullshit.

I'm just like a little kid. Stubborn and stupid.
[edit; I realized my fadingfallenstar journal is me hiding. It's me, only fake. Only my happy thoughts. It's not me at all. This is. How terribly sad. So i guess what im saying is..I'm just a whiny little girl. Sad huh?]

4 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 15 May :: 11.01am
:: Music: AFI

if you listen.. listen close.
I feel so incomplete. So entirely let down, like my world didn't come crashing down, it just fell. Like my heart didn't break into pieces, it just stopped.. all in one second.

I don't know.

I thought wrong, I let myself get trapped.. again. I promised myself.. only to see my words mean nothing to me. (rhyming unintentional).

I need a break. Summer has never seemed so right.

I'm not complaining. Life could be so much worse. I realize that. I'm not depressed, or sad really. I just need something [someone].

"It doesn't matter how many people, it matters who the people are that care."

"It's better to be happy about nothing, then to be sad about nothing."
.. I think it's time I take my own advice.

:: 2004 12 May :: 7.02am
:: Music: Coheed & Cambria

A headache that just won't go away.
I feel as useless as a spare chess piece.
Someone save me.
I'm breaking.

..off to hell.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 10 May :: 5.03pm

Don't be silly.
I was thinking back to when Michelle and I were in downtown Grand Rapids, and this bum (lack of better words) approached us, asking for money. Not un-common, there.. anyway. I remember him having a conversation with us then swearing and saying, "Oh, sorry.. I shouldn't speak like that in the presence of a lady." For some reason I thought that was amazing. For someone to even think, or acknowledge that. I think it's cute, and respectful. I wish men were still like that today.. but it's more like "I can't see the point in patient love when everyone just wants to get fucked" (Lyric- Bright Eyes). Such a true statement.

Not that, that has much to do with the whole respect thing. I just think guys seem to treat girls as a play thing more often these days. I wish that was different.. ah well.

After he said that, Michelle went on to say, "Oh don't worry, Stacy swears like a sailor." Haha.. true statement.

I kind of wish I was born back in a different erra. This one is shit. No one really respects people. So much hate, not many forgive, even though everyone is allowed to fuck up here and there (people need to realize everyone gets caught up in moments, where things are a blur..and there is no right or wrong). I could go on and on.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm far from it, but.. I wish things were different.

I finally know what I want fresh out of high school; I want to live in a busy town, with a lot of interesting people. In an apartment over looking the busy streets. I want to hear the cars driving by. The apartment would be filled with vinyls..filling the rooms with beautiful live sounding music, guitars would be placed throughout the rooms, interesting books would rest collecting dust, black and white photos would be hanging on the wall. Then by my side each night would be a boy that I am so much in love with, the entire city could burn all to hell, and I would be happy falling asleep next to him.

*Sigh* Sounds all to close to a dream.
but.. I believe one day.. it'll happen.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 9 May :: 11.53am
:: Music: Against Me! - Baby, I'm an Anarchist!

:)
perfect.

:: 2004 7 May :: 2.00pm

Love is friendship set on fire.
Trying to win someones heart..
Desperate? Yes.
Sad? Yes.
Risky? Yes.

What do I have to lose? A lot of hope.

An endless amount of wasted love.

..fucking beautiful.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 6 May :: 3.05pm

"What did I do now?"

Not enough. Or too much. Whatever way you choose to look at it.

:: 2004 27 April :: 8.02pm

I mean whatever will make you want me.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter.

:: 2004 26 April :: 7.31pm
:: Music: DESAPARECIDOS - man and wife the former

Here comes the rain again.
I don't say 'I love you' so anyone says it back. I say it for myself.

Remember that.

:: 2004 23 April :: 8.54pm

Sad entries of a depressed girl.
If you don't want to hear about love, dissapointments, and the past I suggest you don't read this.

How should I start? Hmm.. What about some memories from the past? First topic: Jake. as in my first real relationship, first love, and my first kiss; Jake. The first time we met was odd. I met him around 10pm..I looked like shit. (I usually do, but I mean ultimately un attractive). It had rained so my makeup was fucked, my hair was complete shit, and I was in shitty clothes. Just everything. We talked, but I could tell he didn't like me as more than a comical friend. (I can read guys like a damn book. I know if a guy likes me, hates me, or as just a friend. I just know). Anyway, the second time we met I wasn't looking as shitty, then he started getting interested. I was as well. We talked, we went out. I remember The Bean like it was yesterday. He was my first kiss. I can see it all happening. I was staring into his eyes, I watched him come closer, tilt his head, I closed my eyes and felt his warm lips press against mine. We both stopped, looked at eachother, kinda giggled (because we could both feel our face showing the biggest smiles). I rested my head onto his chest and listend to his racing heart beat. I can't remember how many times the words, "I love you." were said that night. It's funny how it all ended. I thought things were going way too fast. Told him, we broke up. He plunged into depression, went to the doctor for it and had to take pills. We fought. A lot. I cried. Every night. He slowly slipped away. We both still loved, but we were not in love. He eventually got over it. Dated some girls, he currently has a girlfriend. I haven't talked to him in months and he is completely out of my life. Do i miss him? Not really. Did I? Yes.

His life got better. Mine stayed the same. Alone. I haven't dated anyone this entire year. As much as I enjoy being single, I miss having someone. I love cuddling, holding hands, and just having someone there for me. Just like any other pathetic teenager.

No one understands how right Karl is for me. We are so much alike, no one sees it. I do, more than anything. He's just.. *sigh* and nothing is happening. I can't see myself dating anyone from cedar (Karl's an exception) because all my friends that are guys, I have flirted with, or whatever and if I was to date them it would only fuck shit up. I wouldn't hurt a friend for a guy ever. Everyone says that, the difference with me saying it? I mean it.

Another issue..I have no expierence. The most I have done is kissed a guy. Jake. Once. So dating any of my current guy friends would be completely retarded. None of them are virgins. I would feel like an ass. I need someone at the same level.. (Karl). But I don't see that going anywhere.

So where do I go from here? No where.

I'm still kinda hurt frome everything that has happened in the past few weeks. I'll get over it. I just need time and I need to mature. Too bad I'm a stupid little girl. Huh?

Love me..
Stacy.

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 22 April :: 7.21pm

Our love would never die. Well ha ha ha.

You'd always be there, where are you now? -Bright Eyes - Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 20 April :: 9.42pm

As for an update..
Today Neilee and I were joking around. Holding hands saying we were lesbians, I bet your wondering 'why the hell is she telling me this?' well because..I'M A LESBIAN..or not. I'm telling you because a few people wouldn't even walk by us because they were honestly embarrased. They told us to stop, and they were serious. Keep in mind we were only holding hands. Then one of them said "You know all those people are gonna wonder about you!" as if I cared what jocks thought or anyone else of that matter.

It kinda showed me how unaccepting people are. How people jump to conclusions and how completely ignorant people can be.

You care too much. Don't take life so seriously.

:: 2004 20 April :: 8.48pm

And why would you settle for anything less?
Shut up and read this, it's a little bit of an interview with Conor.

Interviewer: So some of the references like babies in bathtubs are not biographical?
(referring to the song, Padraic My Prince)

Oberst: Well, I did have a brother who died in a bathtub . . . drowned. Actually, I had five brothers that died that way. No, I'm serious. My mother drowned one every year for five consecutive years. They were all named Patrick.
------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer: Now, you mentioned empathy for others, would you say that is what motivates you to make the music that you make?

Conor Oberst: No, not really. It's more a need for sympathy. I want people to feel sorry for me. I like the feel of the burn of the audiences' eyes on me when I'm whispering my darkest secrets. .

When I was a kid, I used to carry this safety pin around with me, everywhere I went, in my pocket, and when people weren't paying enough attention to me, I'd dig it into my arm until I started crying. Everyone would stop what they were doing and ask me what was the matter.

Interviewer: You're telling me you're doing all this for attention?

Conor Oberst: No! I hate it when people look at me. I get nauseous. In fact, I could care less what people think about me.
------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer: How about this Arienette, how does she fit into all this?

Oberst: I prefer not to talk about it, in case she's listening.

Interviewer: I'm sorry, I didn't realize she's a real person.

Oberst: She's not, I made her up.

Interviewer: So she's not real?

Oberst: Just as real as you or I.

Interviewer: I don't think I understand.

Oberst: Neither do I, but after I grow up I will.

I find him (conor oberst -lead singer of Bright Eyes) one of the most interesting people alive.

Thats all for now.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 9 April :: 1.20pm

The Calendar Hung Itself - Bright Eyes

Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? And does he sing to you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched? And does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much? Does he lay awake listening to your breath? Worried that you smoke too many cigarettes. Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor? For every speck of tile there are a thousand more that you won�t ever see but most hold inside yourself eternally. I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death. In every city, memories would whisper, "Here is where you rest." I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. She had eyes bright enough to burn me. They reminded me of yours. In a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge, sun-bruised field and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed. And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands. And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry�s end where I wrote, You make me happy when the skies are gray You make me happy the skies are gray and gray and gray. Well the clock�s heart it hangs inside its open chest with its hands stretched towards the calendar hanging itself but I will not weep for those dying days. For all the ones who have left there are a few that stayed. And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.

:: 2004 3 April :: 7.16pm

Allow me to bitch. thanks.
So. I emailed him. Pouring my heart out only to get a three sentence response. No apology..nothing. I thought I may have had a few things missunderstood, apparently I couldn't have been more right. I hate that. I hate him. Why me? Why didn't he choose some other girl to fuck with? Oh wait...he did. It's a part of who he is. [insert witty lyric here : everyone knows you're conscientious..everyone knows you're quite flirtacious]. I am so bitter. However I have all the reason to be. I need to erase him. But instead I'm just gonna fake it, pretend I'm not angry..just pretend. I seem to be ok with doing that every day anyways. I'm filled with so much hate. I want to let it go. (let it go Stacy, just let. it. go.)

*sighs* It's nights like these I wish I never got introduced into the circle. I scorn it.

:: 2004 28 March :: 7.59pm

"All in good time, my love. All in good time."

:: 2004 12 March :: 3.40pm

Stop moving so fast. It makes me feel alone.
Today in sixth hour I just walked over to the window and looked outside. I felt so alone. watching the world fly by me..everyone was talking, and laughing..I could hear it all..yet I didnt care enough to listen..due to the tiredness of highschool drama. At this point I'm starting to let go. I love being a kid. I can't believe I am going to be a junior. Everyone takes everything so seriously. Planning for college. Trying to figure out what they are gonna do with their life. Then there is me. Not worried whatsoever. Maybe it's a bad thing. But I don't care. My life isn't all going to shit. I'm a good kid..I'll find my way..until then I'm content with being lost. I'm content with seeing what others miss..and yet here I am waiting for that somone to find me.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 10 March :: 4.54pm

ice and strobe lights..could this be a sign? hahaha! of course it is..why even think about it!
This could be the start to a complete disaster. However.. I am all for it.

I can't wait much longer.

I was re-reading my past entries. It should be titled "Chapters about a depressed girl who needs to shut the hell up."
Yes. That would fit it quite well.

I smiled. I tried to hide it. So what if I liked it a little.

:: 2004 6 March :: 9.08am
:: Music: Boxcar racer- I feel so

Sometimes.
It's hard not to worry and feel like shit when you have hurt someone you love with all your heart. He says not to worry..he says he'll just give up..he says he wanted to kiss me but he's gonna forget it all.

Maybe he should. Just maybe..

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 4 March :: 8.59pm

I have been trying to open his eyes..only to see that he is blind.

:: 2004 2 March :: 7.13pm

Talking to myself:

I hate when you're right.

:: 2004 2 March :: 7.07pm

Don't be afraid to be wrong.
I realized I am a complete idiot. Not about life, I mean education in general. I stopped myself from learning a few years ago. I didn't need to. Now I don't know anything about any US history, science..anything. I always feel like an idiot. I wish I could just have one day and learn everything I need to know. I want to be educated. I'm only 15 and I already regret not getting an education. That's so sad.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 29 February :: 5.54pm

Forgot to add...
The church service today was about hell. it was explained as: Pitch black, all you can hear is crying, weaping, and the mashing of teeth. You have the sensation that you are always falling, you feel fire burning you, and a worm never stops eating at you. It goes on for eternity.

Can you imagine that? Being alone. Not ever seeing anyone/anything again. Just falling, burning, being slowly eaten, and hearing only crying.

6 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 29 February :: 4.58pm

I am yours. You have lost me.
I went to church today. It just felt like the right thing to do. I almost broke down for no reason. I almost cried in the middle of the service. I wasn't sad or anything. Then when people were getting saved, I almost broke down again. It was odd. And I was smiling. It felt like the first real smile I have had for a long time. I want God in my life. I need Him. I'm still gonna be me. Just make a few changes I guess. I want to be saved. It seems I need it.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 28 February :: 2.44pm

Life is broken in that way.
I am allowed to mess up. I just hope I don't hurt anyone in the process.

:: 2004 27 February :: 4.43pm

What I mean by this is him. yeah..you'll figure it out.
No one sees how important this is to me. And if they do, they obviously don't give a shit.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 25 February :: 5.07pm

I swear that I'm dying..slowly but it's happening..as I slowly..quitely..slowly..fall apart.

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