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The Only Broken-Hearted Loser You'll Ever Need

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xonixieox

:: 2005 25 February :: 10.48pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: none

good night
went to the mall tonight with Traci and Michelle.. then michelle left and we chilled with Kathleen, courney and Christy! it was madd fun!!!!



Dont get to lippy!!!!!!!!

Peace down!!

Chopstick!!!

ahhahah love you girls

-Nik

2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


xonixieox

:: 2005 24 February :: 6.11pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: closing time x green day

im chipper cuz i love this song!

wow vacation was fun so far.. tomorrow though im spending a girls day with my mommy.. its gunna be awesome.. we're gunna try on dresses that we cant aford and pretend for a little while that we're rich! lmao!

ya so dariens coming on wed night!! YIPPIEEEE she stayin till saturday i think and shes cuming to school with me! ya im so excited!!

ya so we couldnt go to the palace yesterday cuz B's mommy didnt feel comfterble about it.. i was sad but the julie came over and we had fun

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whisky or beer
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here

I know who I want to take me home (3x)
Take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won’t be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets
Move in to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

I know who I want to take me home (3x)
Take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

I know who I want to take me home (3x)
Take me home

I know who I want to take me home (3x)
Take me home

Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end

xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

ya thats all i have to say for now

-Nik

6 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


xoxchubbyxox

:: 2005 24 February :: 2.55pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: truth is: fantasia

well...
hello! im bored and i figured id update... so i have school this week while u natick bums are on vacation. its ok cuz ill be too in two days...

anyway the big news is that im going to NATICK! for two days next week and coming to school with you guys!!! ill be there thursday and friday. it should be fun!

one more week!! lol

2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


xonixieox

:: 2005 23 February :: 3.04am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: some beach x blake shelton

tonight
so ya im pretty sure im going to the palace tonight with Brittany, Jacqui and Andrea! im madd excited but i have absolutly no idea what to wear!! ahhh lol i think they might come over early to help me decide.. or i will go to britts or something. ya so i wanna brin my camera but i dont wanna ruin it so i think i might buy a disposable one maybe.. i dunno i have never been to a night club thingy! YAY BUBBLE ROOM!!! woot woot!!

ahhh im like so hyper now.. it doesnt start till 7 but i am already ready to go nowwwww lol

-Nik

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


krazykelc1

:: 2005 23 February :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: BORED
:: Music: Tom Petty-Breakdown

My Horoscope for this week...
Uranus, the planet of electricity, is hitting a nerve in relationships this week. Sudden attractions, distractions and strange reactions can shake the partnership tree. Emotional earthquakes threaten certainty, but maybe the things we're sure of are keeping us from finding what (or who) we want. There's nothing wrong with being wrong when it leads to something better.




RIP BABY 2-22-05


Comin down is the hardest thing

Well the good old days may not return...

::I::Saw::Red::


xoxchubbyxox

:: 2005 22 February :: 7.49pm

this journal is now made by nikkie..

cuz darien loves nikkie..

cuz nikkie is the best..

-Nik

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


xonixieox

:: 2005 22 February :: 6.30pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: lalalalalla

Can i just say that i am in love with Rebecca Catherine Hayes!

ya thats all

-Nik

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


silentcriez

:: 2005 22 February :: 8.13am

im such an idiot..disregard everything stupid ive said in this journal.. i dont know its way too early buti feel this horrible feeling in the pitt of my stomache like im crazy.. and i fuck shit up all the time..

I'm so tired of trying

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no

So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down

-

you see shes just a girl
looking for nothing but a boy
to get along nicely for a while
until she has to move along

i know hes got a thing for her..
hes too blind to see hes only temporary
he kisses her like hes here to stay
while shes getting ready to walk away

(chorus)
she lives her days laying in the sun
she spends her time looking to have fun
with anyone
she will use him up and leave him dry
and hell be wishing he was with her
til she says goodbye..

she twirls her hair around her fingers
giving off those awkward signals
as hes thinking to himself
when to touch, and when to control himself

she looks at him with her dark brown eyes
hes sees a pool of paradise
theyre playing with fire in their hands
shell never meet his demands

(chorus)

as night falls shes growing weery
and she can see the want in his eyes
he reaches out to hold her..
only to find that shes not there

(chorus)

and he wonders why shes run away
she knows she played her game okay
hell think about her three or four more nights
she'll know that hes alright

but he'll never let her go like she can,
and never miss him so
cuz his lips will always long for hers again
but she wont be affected,
she knows just how to play with men

(chorus to fade)

--

the fire blows smoke in my eyes
unveiling my evil disguise
im living in a little peice of you
as the smoke leaves a trail in the black of the sky
theres still a spot for you and i

where the sky meets the water,
where the trees meet the clouds
the news is out, theyve heard it all
they know more than i do
cuz they were there and all..

sometimes its like i never felt
the touch of your skin
without feeling lonely
or empty within
its like when you take me
you steal me away
and its nothing but a dream
and im just a feind..

(chorus)
its all in the game
read the instructions
im lost, i need to find a way back
down the trail of lonliness
help me home..
i dont wanna be alone...

we all know what you mean
but nobody wants to believe
that they could be at stake
that theyre lives could feel this earth quake

as the fire nips at the tips of their toes
theyre evil and theyre spitting out fire
stand behind the wire dont you get hurt
im shockingly empty, your heavy by far for sure

sometimes its like i never felt
the touch of your skin
without feeling lonely
or empty within
its like when you take me
you steal me away
and its nothing but a dream
and im just a feind..

(chorus)

your used up and jaded
im getting a little bit bored if you care at all
i hear your footsteps pounding down the hall
your as void as i with your vodka in hand..
ready to make your demands

eveyone knows your a coward
you drink away all your pain..
but it all comes tumbling down
as the earth starts to quake beneath my feet
im losing ground, and the smoke gets in my eyes

nobody understands.. nobody knows what to say
nobody knows what i mean.. nobody knows how to be
anything other than pain, anything other than hate
its all understood.. because..
the smoke gets in my eyes
but theres still room for you and i..

3 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


krazykelc1

:: 2005 21 February :: 10.28pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Evanescence-Hello

Greatest Movie.
I Love Robbie<3


" The best love is the kind that awakens the soul
and makes us reach out for more,
that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds,
and that's what you've given me.
That's what i hope to give to you forever.
I love you, I'll be seeing you. "

--The Notebook --

2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


silentcriez

:: 2005 21 February :: 1.56pm

its like.. im a feind because when i try to grasp what it feels like in my hand, to hold on to, or remember, i cant. its not something that can be created on my own its not something i can remember the feeling of without the actual touch, without the actual situation. and thats why i need it so badly because i always need to recreate that amazing feeling i always need to feel so connected, so intimate, i always need to feel those lips press against mine teasing me.. making me feind for more. i just think im addicted, not to sex. but to him im addicted to how good he makes me feel its like its not just sex its like its intimate.. its.. something else, and yet its nothing at all. im just so confused by this whole topic i never know what to make of it. its like im a mature young lady involving myself with someone who knows just what to do. its such a tease and torture because hes so amazing at all that he does.. even one touch turns me on he doesnt even have to work to get me to want it. i just always do. if he asked me to go fuck in the middle of school you know, i would because i constantly love to feel him inside me i just need it.
ah for all of you reading this almost disgusted by it, i dont care! because if you dont like it dont read it, this is my journal -- its mine. i would never write to suit anyone but myself. hum..

well ive realized that pot really suits my personality. its like a perscription for me, an antideppressant if you will. its just so me. its just what i need. its what i am, it opens up the mind and allows people to sit and talk about eveyrthing on their minds. its rips away all that is inhibiting someone from doing somethign theyve always wanted to. its removes all doubts. its just so me. and im so glad i found it.

well i get to see ryan today :) yayyyyyy were gonna go to the mall, i miss him bunches but im glad that today i finally get to see him again! well i gotta go make myself pretty :)

::I::Saw::Red::


xonixieox

:: 2005 21 February :: 10.32am

Fill in the little parentheses
Y - Yes
N - No
M - Maybe
O - Of course (obviously)
* - Already have done it

---------------------------------

( ) go out with me?
( ) hold my hand?
( ) give me your number?
( ) let me kiss you?
( ) have sex with me?
( ) play an SM scene with me?
( ) watch a movie with me... even a really sappy one?
( ) let me take you out to dinner?
( ) drive me somewhere/anywhere?
( ) take a shower with me?
( ) be my gf/bf?
( ) have a fling with me?
( ) listen to me if I called you, crying, even if you were out with all of your friends?
( ) buy me a drink if I didn't have money?
( ) take me home for the night?
( ) let me sleep in your bed?
( ) sing car karaoke with me?
( ) sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
( ) come and pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
( ) dance with me in the rain with no music?
( ) re-post this for me to answer your questions

i love these little things so just do it to m,ake me happy :)

-Nik

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


silentcriez

:: 2005 19 February :: 9.53am
:: Music: the end of the world x skeeter davis

"dont they knowwww its the end of world it ended when you said goodbye"

im so sick.. ugh i woke up this morning coughing so bad my eyes were tearing.. so i took some pills and some cough syrup and felt like even more shit and then i puked.. and i keep feeling gross and this medicine doesnt do shit for me :(

roar i was gonna go to nh with lizzy i wanted to but im kinda glad i didnt cuz i would have been puking and been so sick..

well now to clear my mind..

im so confused about everything thats going on.. i mean shes back and i bet everything is going to change.. i mean im so dumb for even thinking about this its always on my mind everything is always circulating through my thoughts.. sometimes i think im crazy.. i mean i worry so much when i dont have to.. i should just let things happen.. and deal with them as they happen.. i mean i just love the way i feel when hes around me.. when nothing else in the world matters.. when i forget about everything and just live in the moment im in right then.. in perfect bliss.. in one kiss.. in a tease.. its all so perfect.. and then i wake myself up and i realize that its just sex.. and its just kissing.. and its just a guy and a girl.. its nothing but a permiscuous, plutonic relationship.. and it scares me that i can get so attatched when they arent even close.. i dont know what im gonna do.. or how i am going to handle this but i need to do something..

Oh, these are the days
These are the strangest of all

These are the nights
These are the darkest to fall
But who knows?
Echoes in tenement halls
Who knows?
Though the years spare them all

-

I dont sit and wait
I dont give a damn
I dont see the point at all
No footprints in the sand
I would give you all my love
I bet you laugh out loud at me
A chance to strike me down
Give me peace of mind at last
Show me all you are
Open up your heart to me
And I would be your slave


-

i feel you overcoming my body
breaking me down
im sick, in detox of your soul
what can i do.. when for you i feind?
and i just cant stop
it just wont stop
this hacking away at me

-

and she wants to die
and she needs an escape
shes been crying for hours
by his hollow grave
my naked lover
pink is your skin
let us discover
let us begin
well walk in the shadows
in a world of unknown
soon we will see
what has never been shown
to you..
to me..
to you to me

(chorus)
ohhh baby,
break me in
take me in
dance with me
under the moonlight
dancing by candle light

she wants to sing
a song with the angels
a song of diseases
a song of los angeles
but he wont have none
cuz he just wants to have fun
fun fun..
my naked lover
pink is your skin
let us discover
let us begin
well walk in the shadows
in a world of unknown
soon we will see
what has never been shown
to you..
to me..
to you to me

(chorus)

he wanted to tell me
he loved my exotic
undressing ways..
temptress ways
he wanted to touch me
tell me my dreams
ohh my naked lover
pink is your skin
let us discover
let us begin
well walk in the shadows
in a world of unknown
soon we will see
what has never been shown
to you..
to me..
to you to me

::I::Saw::Red::


xonixieox

:: 2005 19 February :: 8.31am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: chariot x grtetchen wilson

life..
well things are all fucked up.. my best friend isnt aloud to see me or talk to me any more becasue im a "bad influence" .. soo .. i called her last night to ask her a question about bio.. because i really needed to know the answer. and i could hear the fucking cunt in the background talking shit about me and yelling at Gini.. its so gay honestly.. im knida thinking that we shouldnt be friends at all.. becasue whats the point really, we arent aloud to hang out so i dont really see the point at all.. she ignores me anyways when shes with certain people and i dont want to be treated like that any more..


...i guess this is the only place i can actually talk about my problems with since no one else really cares...

-Nik

6 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


silentcriez

:: 2005 17 February :: 7.53am

I was young and jaded, I listened to all those around me. Never asking questions but just letting all of the information and new experiences to sink into my skin. The views, the beliefs, I let it all sway my own opinions. And never asked my own questions, I just took it all in without asking why or how. Because if these words came from my mothers lips, silver plated words they were. She was a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, and my father was a very down right straight to the point person. My sister and I would constantly fight for attention. Without taking the time to bond with my older sister, we were never able to understand each other.

It was a spring day; I remember it all too clearly. My parents sat us down and explained what would happen. The rivers in my eyes and heart began to pour. What was I to do? Was it my fault my parents were getting a divorce? I was confused and upset and refused to speak to my mother. Because it was her who would be moving away, to Florida. I was in shock; she couldn’t leave me here with my dad - could she? I ran to my room and sat and thought not wanting to accept what I had heard as truth. After that day I tried not to think about it, and that was the last that was spoken of it. So I figured it had all brushed over, months had passed.

The heat was unbearable that day, so I came home early from my expedition around town with my friends. Summertime was coming all too soon to a hault. I unlocked the door, grabbed a drink and ran upstairs, which was my normal routine. I decided to get comfortable so I went into my room to change to find a note and a present on my bed. I opened and read the note in disbelief. It said that it hurt her to leave but it would hurt her even more to say goodbye. And with that she was gone, swallowed up by Florida’s entirety. Lured all too easily like a fish to bate.

I was slowly sucked into a whirlpool of depression. Crying all too often, and feeling lonely when surrounded by a room of smiling faces. This wasn’t me; I was a happy outgoing girl who loved everyone. But I couldn’t help but feel this distrust for everyone around me. Every time something bad would happen, or would fall out of place I felt ganged up upon. Every figure in my life became a villain became someone who was out to hurt me, became my mother. And I would fight to the death before I let another person walk out on me again. When my mother left I was just entering high school, and dealing with normal teenage problems. I needed my mother’s words to guide me.

I no longer spent my days at home with my dad, but I grew closer with my sister. We’d take drives to nowhere just to talk, because we both knew what it was like to hurt. And we both knew what it was like to lose. She helped me to realize that not everything that happens, is intentionally to hurt us and that my only chance of happiness was to open up and get out what I was feeling. With that my friends became the most important aspect of my life. They were my family, my bests friends were my confidants. I still haven’t spoken to my mother to this day, aside from emails and letters, because the pain of the memories is too hard to bear. Someday I will, I cannot hold this grudge forever. But I’ve grown since that dog day in August; I’ve grown years of wisdom. Ive acquired a new respect for myself, and learned to survive on my own.

I began to use writing as my voice, if I couldn’t say what I wanted to, I could write it. If I didn’t do anything else, I had to get out all of my emotions, and soon my flow of thoughts turned into poetry and descriptions of raining skies, and destructive storms. I was full of inspiration, funneled from pain. The idea of forgiveness bounced around my mind, wanting to roll off my tongue. I was becoming a young woman, never swayed by those around me. I am a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, who’s had a bumpy road in life, but wouldn’t give it up for the world.

4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::


xoxchubbyxox

:: 2005 16 February :: 5.55am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Britney Spears: Do Somethin

blah
this morning has sucked so far lol, i woke up at 12:30 a.m. thinking it was 5:30, took a shower, got dressed, put on makeup, and then looked at the clock and realized it was 1:20... lol so then i tried to go back to sleep and feel asleep till 2:30 and then woke up and couldnt fall back asleep, so basically i sat in bed for 3 hours...trying to go to sleep. that was fun.

nothing else to complain about really...

yea...

-darien

4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

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