xoxchubbyxox
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2005 28 January :: 6.30pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: over: lindsay lohan
none really
ii havent updated in a while i guess...but fromn the looks of it, i dont think anyone really noticed lol.
midterms were this week...im quite glad that they r over...i also have gotten A's on every single one...i dont know where that came from. well...on to another semester...its gone by so fast and im still pretty unhappy. i guess things are getting better...maybe i just tell myself that to get through each day.
be thankful to have stayed in one place.
it would be nice to comment if you read this. please.
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 28 January :: 5.58pm
All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down
And I know you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
But I know I'm on a losing streak
'Cause I passed down by old street
And if you wanna show, just let me know
And I'll sing in your ear again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too
Just like you said you leave my life, I'm better off dead
All this talk of getting old
It's getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown
This time I'm comin' down
The drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again
So baby, Woh- if heaven calls, I'm coming too
And like you said, you leave my life, I'm better off dead
But if you wanna show, just let me know
And now I'll sing in your ear again
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But now I know I'll see your face again
Yeah- I know I'll see your face again
Yeah- I know I'll see your face again
Oh- now
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
Never coming down, Never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more, no more
Never coming down, never coming down
No more, no more, no more, no more, no more
Oh- now
Yeah, I know I'll see your face again
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 28 January :: 4.03pm
what you dont understand is i dont love dad. why would i want to do something for someone who didnt ever want to do anything for me until you left? he never knew me or wanted to know me when we were growing up. i never did anything with him. i cant just suddenly love someone. i never did love him. kaitlin just always hogged you, so i would butter up dad just so someone would love me. and thats why kaitlin and i always fought. we fought for your attention. and when you left we both felt the same hurt. dads not genuwine he doesnt know me. hes never known me. he was never there, you were. and thats why this is so hard for me. because im stuck in this house with a complete stranger. and i will not tell him anything because he doesnt know me, i dont trust him. i trusted you. and then you just left. dad is self centered and complains all the time who the hell wants to do anything for someone who always complains at how the jobs done or when i tell him i got a 85 on my mid term rather than saying "great job" says "oh i was hoping youd get an a" what kind of parent says that? makes me feel not good enough i didnt do a good enough job for him. things like that make you not wanna try anymore. and yes i remember not speaking to you. when you tried to talk to us you told me that you were moving to florida for a couple months i didnt even know you and dad were getting a divorce. i figured youd be home again. and you never came. i didnt speak to you because i couldnt. because it hurt me to much. it made me angry i wasnt important enough to stay here for. i guess it is my fault you left. if i had been a better daughter, if i had told you i cared about you would you be here? you say come move down here, but i cant do that. i cant give up my friends. why cant you move here? my cant mel move with you if he means that much to you. if he loves you that much. dont you think hed do it for you. for me? i cant handle this much pain. and im sorry if i sound like im whining and complaining but this is how i feel. and i cant call you and tell you how i feel with dad on the fone cuz i dont want him to know. i dont like him hes not a good person. he doesnt like anything i do. he doesnt respect music, writing anything. hes a shallow minded person and i cant connect to someone like that.
i dont know what else to do or say.. i just dont wanna cry anymore...
the only reason i can write the way i do, is because i have so much pain i need to express...if it werent for writing i wouldnt be alive. i would have been in the hospital just like kaitlin. there wasnt a day that i didnt think about ending it all because the pain and deciet was all too much to handle. the relationship isnt all about money either, its just that dad really doesnt give me any money he bitches and moans when i ask for lunch money. i would appreciate it if you did send me money for lunch.. im sorry im such a weak person, and im sorry i cant handle this and im sorry im not the daughter you wanted to have. im sorry im not kaitlin who can hide her pain when she talks to you. i cant do that. i cant be anything else then what i am. and i cant help that i dont trust anyone with my emotions anymore.
i cant write anymore because i just keep crying and its friday i shouldnt be crying.
- amanda
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 26 January :: 11.35pm
im not having a great day..
well i trudged through the snow with lizzy and pat to jimmis and hung out with them and dana and got happy
but now here i sit in the worst mood ever
i dont want to talk to anyone i feel like everyone is fake that everyone is oing to lie to me
i dont know what my problem is
and i dont know what to do
somebody really likes me.. and i like them i just dont know if im ready for something that requires so much expected from me
im crazy...
Well, I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it,
and I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you,
but in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
underneath the guise of a smile.
Gradually, I'm dying inside.
Friends ask me how I feel,
and I lie convincingly,
'cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering,
so I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night,
and turn down all the lights,
and then I break down and cry
4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 26 January :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: margaritaville x jimmy buffett
havnt updated in a while
well .. lets see.. im knida siock of people talking shit in my journal.. seriously whoever it is is obviously to pussy to write their name so im not really worried.. even thought i thought me and traci were still friends.. but i dont know now im confused cuz the comment she left to the other people :\ ... but anyways.. if the person is taking their time out to look in my journal than they obviously have a lot of time on their hands and like to piss me off.. seriuosly if you dont like me you have absolutly no right looking in my journal!
well we didnt have school monday or tuesday becasue of the snow.. so basically me and virginia chilled at ryans with the boys and watched movies the WHOLE weekend.. then today was virginia's 16th birthdayyyyyy!!!!! yippieeeee.. the girl didnt go to get her permit tho :( ya so anyways.. the wreseling meet got cancelled for tonight becasue of the snow so its a pretty boring night..
ya thats all..
-Nik
4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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Cocopuff
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2005 25 January :: 10.09pm
:: Music: Sublime- "Garden Grove"
hello...
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 20 January :: 10.43pm
im so excited im really finishing my basement!!!!!!!
i got to talk to joe tonight for llike 45 minutes im so happyi felt like i was never gonna see or talk to him again cuz it had been so long but im glad that he randomly thought of me and decided to call its been far too long
im looking for a site with cheap psychedelic tapestries if you know anywhere let me know
ill update later
3 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xoxchubbyxox
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2005 20 January :: 7.53pm
:: Mood: silly
:: Music: boulevard of broken dreams.
blaaah
well i havent updated in a while cuz i havent had internet connection oh well! anyway...last monday was pretty much the best fun ive had in one day since i cant remember when. i met nikkie at her cheer practice then we went to her grandmas and i ate chicken salad and chips. then we went to virginias and walked around and saw a few people for a while in the coldness. then we went back to virginias house and looked at pictuires and listened to country (ahh) and i saw how nasty i looked at the semi lol with all the pictures. i dont why people dont tell me these things. well whatever lol... i guess ive changed?? idk....well we talked about how much things have changed since i left and how different our lives are... i hate going to natick cuz i just dont wanna leave... it reminds me of how happy i was and it makes me sad to think ill never really have it again.
well then we went to georges and met julie! yay! i havent seen her for so long. we ate the best pizza ive had in while and fries and then we got candy at jones drug...it was very fun....then we went to julies for a minute and a half lol and then hung out at nikkies for the rest of the time and i got picked up by my dad and finally got home at 9:30.
anyway...i had lots of fun and i love you guys... you are all i have left and your there when i need you. i wanna be there again...like it was befrore. i guess you can never have everything you want or be completely happy. i just wanna come close...
i hope i get to come to school with u guys in march tho that would be awesome...that will get me thru the next few months i guess.
i really miss you.
please comment.
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 19 January :: 11.35pm
How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ohoo
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
'Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,
and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
and that's what I've got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do
and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
'cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
Its the chance I've got to take, oh, oho
Just take a look at me now
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 18 January :: 9.45pm
mom-
i cant stand dad. i really hate him and when i talk to my friends about it they dont believe that i hate him.. but i can honestly say that i hate him. you dont know how many times i just wished it was him that left me. because i know my life would have been completely unchanged. just because i am emailing you doesnt mean that im over this or am comfortable talking to you. its just that i have nobody here now that kaitlins gone. i just dont know what else i can do. im sick of feeling like this. im sick of crying all the time.. im sick of it all. this isnt how a teenage girl is supposed to be feeling. and i sit here now crying my eyes out blasting my music feeling like nobody knows me. you know why you leaving hurt so bad? because you always told me you never would. i never expected you to leave me. to leave us. to move to florida... when you know that mel would NEVER move to natick just to be with you. you cant possibly begin to fathom the amount of pain i feel and carry with me everyday. nobody can because i never show anybody. im always happy, on the outside. im pretty good at hiding how i feel so nobody ever puts me on the spot. so i never have a chance to let anybody down. i help people constantly because it makes me happy. if i cant make myself happy i might as well do something for everyone else.. i dont know what the hell the point of this email is just cnat keep this shit inside anymore. and im sick of living in this house with a total stranger with someone who was never there for me. i just wish that youd come back and im stupid for thinking you ever would because if your not here for me now when i need you. you never will be so i should just move on but the fact is i cant i cant get on with my life when all of this is whats dragging me down. im depressed all of the time. everyday i sit down and cry and write and just pray to god that tomorrow will be better.. and it never is it never will be and im getting tired of waiting for things to go my way..
im sick of this.
::I::Saw::Red::
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Cocopuff
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2005 18 January :: 7.27pm
random lyrics from third eye blind
i love third eye blind... theses are some of the quotes that i love the most... lol random but hey i like them...
And there's a memory of a window, Looking through I see you.
Searching for something, I could never give you,
There's someone who understands you more than I do.
A sadness I can't erase. All alone on your face.
... my favorite
When I came to visit you,
That's when I knew, That I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still I'm the one who's stupid,
And there's this burning, Like there's always been,
I've never been so alone, And I've never been so alive
The surface is everything, but I could never do that,
Someone would see through that.
And this is the last time, We'll be friends again.
I'll get over you, you'll wonder, who I am.
And there's this burning, Just like there's always been,
I've never been so alone, I've never been so alive...
Hey, will you stay a while.
My smile will not mislead you,
Cause I've been alone, my faith turned to stone,
Still there's something in you, that I believe in,
Close to your pierce,
I go wild and fierce,
Still I let you be,
I feel you next to me,
'Cause outside I feel,
A wind it starts to blow,
I'm taken in your undertow.
Everything is fine I'm lonely all the time,
Cause All I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through,
Well is it good for you,
Is it good for you.
Cause you haunt my nights when I don't know where my life should go,
Well is it good for you,
Is it good for you.
Hey, child please stay awhile.
My smile will not mislead you.
Cause I've been without.
I go wild with doubt,
I grab at you,
I can't stop grabbing at you,
Cause I feel you cross my mind in disarray, intoxicated ricochet,
There's nothing wrong,
just don't take too long,....
When you left, I felt the drop like a boom
Wintertime all alone in your bedroom
I don't blame you, and I know I'm not your friend
How we living, young American
I guess I've always known
I'd be on my own, I'd be on my own
And I don't know why, I don't know why
I don't know why...
yea...
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 17 January :: 1.59pm
i'm just a nomad but would you listen to my story? would you think me crazy if i asked you for some spare change? for a lighter? for a place to stay on the night of the winters first frost? would you walk away from me if i told you i was crazy? what would you say if i told you the key to the world. the key to happiness, if i told you their was a doorway to paradise would you believe me? or would you call me a liar and spit in my face? were all liars in the world today. writing is a form of a lie. writing is a form of expression, its a way of letting out all of the things we wish we could say but never have the courage to. so many people would keep all those thoughts in their heads, but people like me, we have too many thoughts. too many thoughts to keep them all bottled up, if we did theyd overwhelm us, like they do when i debate myself in the quiet of my room. listening to the wind erode my window pane, trying my hardest to get to sleep. deep in this thought is a person searching for reason, for logic in everyday situations. searching for flaws in herself. when really there is no explanation. a person of my circumstances would feel unable to meet the requirements shes set for everyone else in her semipermiable world. shes made it so only those worthy of her presence will reep its benefits. she schemes her way through life analyzing everybody elses flaws, making sure never to make their mistakes. and this writing, this discription of reality so twisted and ever changing like smoke lingering in a stagnant room is her freedom. its her voice, her forte if you will. the release of all the emotions shed secretly wished to expose. but with this writing she can mask whats real, she has no chance to be rejected or thought of as wrong, because this writing is expression. this writing is the slit in her wrist, this writing is the reason she's still alive. its the sweat in her pores and every thought oozing from her intoxicated brain. she can detatch herself from the world when writing of love and lust, and lose herself in a city so perfect, in a relationship which never existed. or she can explain a break up, a fault, a misconseption through the eyes of a girl living in a nowhere town. a nowhere state, a nowhere country. a girl whose place is yet to be found.. yet to be questioned or explored by a single soul. as her words flow easily into your ear drums youll wonder. wonder what makes this girl so troubled, why does she feel she must hide behind these words. i guess theres no real answer. its like asking why a bird sings. its just a natural attraction to the unreal. to the discriptive world, to a place where she doesnt have to be so serious. where things dont have to be so real, or so permanent. her writing is her gift, her pain, her muse, her writing is her spirit which so gently flows in the summers breeze and lands upon a snowy bank, like a nomad, searching for someone to listen.
- me
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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silentcriez
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2005 16 January :: 11.42pm
interesting couple days i guess..
i dont have much to write except i cant stand drama and all this shit..
i feel so unloved nobody comments :(
im gonna go cuz im borring..
- manda
Everytime she laughs, she hopes he's watchin.. not so he'll see she is happy... but so maybe he will fall for her smile as hard as she fell for his...<3*
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2005 16 January :: 4.40am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: none
its really early
well yesterday i went to the wreseling tournament.. i met my britt there.. then me andrea britt tim and nick went to tims house so andrea could change.. then we went to georges, where we say dana.. so instead of going back to the high school, we went back to tims. i had fun.. then i was wicked sketchy and went back to the high school to be picked up. Jacqui was like WOW! you smell! lol it ws kinda funny.. then i went home and talked to gini on the phone till like 11
ya so that was my day..
ohh its kinda weird i havnt eaten for 2 days bacause every time i try to eat i feel sick.. and im like hungry but i also feel like if i eat i will throw up.. i had some of brittany's french fries at georges yesterday but thats it!
kinda weird huh?
ya ok so thats really all
comment
-Nik
9 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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xonixieox
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2005 15 January :: 5.46am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: whisky lullaby x brad paisly and allison krauss
havnt updated in a while
well.. i havnt really been home to update.. so let me see.. this past week i went to 2 wresiling meets, and the basket ball game last night. i had fun.. last night we beat framingham!! FUCK YES! and it was hiliarious becasue Jess and Dawn had me start some little chant things! "ITS ALL OVER" and "WARM UP THE BUS" haha it was hilarious.. the framingham fans were fucked up tho because they were being really loud and annoying.. but it was really funny!
ohh the other night i went to the wreseling meet with dawn britt and jacgui! we went to georges and it was so foggy.. Jacqui was like flashing the liughts on and off... hilarious..
well im really upset that i couldnt go to dariens.. but hopefully she is coming down here.. i really really hope! i fucking hate mid-terms.. and i know im not going to end up studying so i dont even see thew point but whatever..
x x x
She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night
1st Chorus
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
(Sing lullaby)
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night
2nd Chorus
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby
(Sing lullaby)
comment please
-Nik
::I::Saw::Red::
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