The Only Broken-Hearted Loser You'll Ever Need

The Only Broken-Hearted Loser You'll Ever Need

:: 2004 9 December :: 7.00am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: we might as well be strangers

im still at lizzys since my daddy ruptured his disc.. it doesnt feel like this has been a week that i had school.. i went to the concert monday and have been sleeping here all week.. lol its funny well woohu just got changed i guess and im not sure if i liek this set up.. its kinda uglty and just like live journal and all of them i liked woohu cuz it was different and easy to use.. but i guess goodbye to that :(

i hung around with pat lizzy tom and jimmy yesterday and then went to jimmy l's house and then dana came.. hadnt hung out with them in a while...

well i gotta get going to school so ill make a real update later when i get home

- manda

::I::Saw::Red::

xoxchubbyxox

:: 2004 8 December :: 8.28pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: toy soldiers: eminem

uhm....
well i guess i really needed to update....lol.

today i had a crappy day at school, it was block day and those always suck...ha. im putting together sketchbook of a bucnh of drawings, it has like 150 pages and ive done 6 drawings of celebrities so far...it will be cool when its all filled. yeah...interesting i know.

werll afterschool was much more fun, me and michelle worked very hard on our bio project lol. we spent about 20 mins total on that part, then we hung out in her room, then ate then sat aorund the computer...and then took a bunch of random pictures. i had lotsa fun it brought back memories of the older days i guess.

anyway, im really excited for christmas, i actually could afford a couple decent presents for a few people.

i cant believe how much things have changed in the past months. i couldnt even picture me moving to new hampshire, and im hereand its not as bad as i thought it would be. moving was the hardest thing ive had to do in as long as i can remember. but maybe...ill be really happy here.

you really never know....

::I::Saw::Red::

silentcriez

:: 2004 5 December :: 10.23am

so yesterday i went out with michael ej and jimmy and then stephy came and she makes me laugh i love her then she drove me to the damn play and i sat through it :-\ then i went to my loves for a few and watched some weird movie lol it was creepy..

well im about to get some food just figured id catch up on my entries...

ps. i got in a fight with my dad and told him i hated susan.. and i really wish both of them would die because im not happy.. not one bit..

2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

silentcriez

:: 2004 2 December :: 5.33pm

well i guess im an idiot for leaving this thing open for peoples eyes to see.. my dads a fucking fagget and read it.. what the hell right does he have to read my personal journal? just because its online doesnt mean its not personal i mean i dont care if ppl read it cuz whatever i have it for people to understand me.. which i doubt anyone does.. but he.. he has no right i absolutely loathe him and wish i could keep my *sang froid* but i cant i just wish that he would die and i wish my mom could come home.. thats all i want for christmas..

just to be happy..

but we all know wishes never come true..

::I::Saw::Red::

xonixieox

:: 2004 1 December :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: pretty good
:: Music: blahhh

fkjgdhbg
well today i had a better day! practice was gay but then we went back here and chilled and practiced and danced and listened to b-itty sing drop it like its hot... i almost fucking pisseded my panties! lol wow im really hyper we put on cmt and did the rockaway! hahaha im such a character.. then gini went home and me brittany donald and dj are chillin here downloading movies.. actually we are downloading the polar express the grudge and EDWARD SCISSORHANDS!!! yayy!

ok thats all for now! ypiieeee more dancing to do! yay!!!

*edit* ya so iwas reading my "friends" journals and i found some bitches talking shit.. now im a bigger person so im not gunna name any names but honestly lets all act like we are in the 5th fucking grade.. lets all talk shit behind peoples back becasue we are all to pussy to confront them.. or.. better yet.. lets have other people confront them.. that sooooo much better... well HAHAHA this is me laughing in any bitch like that's face.. hahahahahhaHAHAHAHAH *edit*

-Nik

4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

silentcriez

:: 2004 30 November :: 10.37pm

randomly feeling depressed...

a million whispers left unspoken
a million word left unsaid
a thousand ways to feel so used
lying naked in his bed

i refuse to be the one to wait
and waste my thoughts on you
i lie to myself like its just a game
but ive always known the truth

ill fool the world around me
pretending its only a crush
but when im around you my lips start to shake
the feeling is almost to much

its too much to handle all in one night
but ill soon be numb to the pain
ill follow this path til the road goes unpaved
and my sanity is slowly drifting away

ill trick myself into pretending im right
and ill never admit to these sins
hiding them deep inside of me
once one ends another begins

silence can never be broken
it wont shatter under your attack
ill never give up, you wont knock me down
ill be left with only a scratch

a mark to show that youve been there
and broken what is left of me
i just want to like that person
that reflection in the mirror i see

despondancy runs in my veins now
thicker and colder than before
im told to move on to get better
but i only wonder what for

the dust is settling on my bookshelf
where pictures of you and i lay
but a memory is not near to reality
so in my dreams youll stay

ill break myself down on the inside
for you, so you can like what you see
i wont give this up i wont let you down
ill fight me like a disease

bleed open for you and show you all i am
like the others who have broke me before
so after tonight ill know that its over
after one step.. and the close of the door..

::I::Saw::Red::

xonixieox

:: 2004 30 November :: 7.25pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: frosty the snowman x my phone

cheerleading
ok so i was getting excited and i actually thought that i could make varsity and then at the first practice thing i realized that im dreaming an empty dream that will never come true.. honestly why not quit while im ahead! seriuosly im going to be on jv for the rest of my fucking life and its all becasue im fat ugly depressed and i am a fuck up! thats all it is! i dont even know if im going t go to the tryout on friday becasue i cant do it.. im just going to be on jv for my entire fucking life.. like i would fucking be excited if i made fucking alternate but thats not going to happen either because i suck!! i cant even believe im crying over this shit but it just means so much to me... cheerleading is really the only thing holding me together!

on another lighter note!! if no one starts to comment im done with this journal.. i know people look at it and everything but if you dont start commenting its gone!!

-Nik

4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

silentcriez

:: 2004 30 November :: 6.42am
:: Music: chainsmoker LP

well its 6:30 and theres no words to describe all of the thoughts surculating through my brain right now..

ugh i dont know what i want... who i want.. if i want anything at all.. i really dont know.. i get so sick of my thoughts and how i am.. at times i just wish i was anybody else..

well..im too tired to write too much.. bye

::I::Saw::Red::

xonixieox

:: 2004 29 November :: 10.11pm
:: Mood: actually good!
:: Music: none!

well im waitnig for my mom to comer home from work because she is working till ten tonight!!

today was banquet and i got MOST SPIRITED! i also got a $10 gift certifigate to bicfords!! YAY!!!!

i have 2 boyfriends.. there names are toby and kenny.. i have pictures...

that is toby baby
laying on the couch ;)

hahah and this is kenny!!!

in the pool!!

haha im sooo funny.. what can i say.. i like older men!!!!

-Nik

::I::Saw::Red::

xonixieox

:: 2004 28 November :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: forever december x tabitha's secret

blahhhhhhhhhh
well today i went to the mall with Gini Britt and julie and we met Becca and Em there!! awww i miss Bec!! lol we went to johnny rockets and ate good food.. i guess i had fun for the most part. until the end.. well anyways so ya then i actually bought a shirt in hollister.. but it is really madd cute! i love it! tomorrow is the football banquet :/ blahh..

ya so i get home and i get shit for my room being dirty.. and its all clothes becasue when me and my brothjer switched rooms he left all of his shit in the closet! so ya i kept telling my parents to make him clean it out but they dont care so i decided to do it.. so i threw all of his shit onto the floor in the hall way 0:) lol so ya then he got pissed and took off my closet doors and threw thwem at me! lol i have a big bruise on my knee but w/e after it hit me it hit my 300 dollar camera doc thingy that i paid for by the way.. so i bitched and my dad was like you fucking deserved it you little bitch! grrr i hate him so much im gunna make him pay for it.. not even Dj.. hes such an immature little baby like he's slamming all the doors around right now.. its his whole family.. they are really gay.. like when they came over for thanksgiving i was taking a nap in my room and they were like bitching afterwards .. ok well if im asleep then they have to fucking deal with it! i honestly dont want ot live anymore.. my life is full of pain and hatred.. theres only like 3 people that actualy love me so i dont know i think it would just be easier for eveyone. including me to jyst kill myself or die :/

-Nik

::I::Saw::Red::

xoxchubbyxox

:: 2004 28 November :: 6.31pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: ...

uhm...
well this weekend is sadly over. i hate school and i really dont wanna go tomorrow but whatrever. my mom had abunch of people over for dinner...and they were like torturing my poor cat...:( well i got peoples christmas presents so im set with that...its raining rite now...and there is nothing else to say lol...so yeah...

xox darien

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

xonixieox

:: 2004 25 November :: 8.30pm

today is thanksgiving!! YA REDMEN! we won baby! well me and kimmi went to the game with our faces painted red w/ white "N" 's on them! then we died our hair blue and blew our horns and threw confetti throughout the whole game! lol we are the inspiration for the team! lol it was madd fun!

now im so full im gunna explode!

-Nik

2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

xoxchubbyxox

:: 2004 24 November :: 8.57pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: maroon 5: sunday morning

yeah...
yeah so i got my report card yesterday... i have know no one cares but i have nothing to write about but i got all A's ...fez is really cute...hes so lovable and im so excited lol. yeah so...i have today off of school and i love sleeping in. tomorrw im going with my dad to my aunts for thamksgioving. yep..thats my boring life...

xox darien

4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

xoxchubbyxox

:: 2004 21 November :: 4.10pm
:: Music: new kelly clarkson song?

..
wel tomorrows my bday and im happy. i get my kitten and im naming him fez i think lol idk y...hes 9 weeks old and orange and white. saturday i still went shopping and i went with michelle and caliegh and im glad we had fun still. i hope i get to come visit natick soon...i really miss u guys! ill find another time to have u come up to nikkie and julie..! i love u! well ill update later about my new kitten lol.

3 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

xonixieox

:: 2004 21 November :: 10.25am

ok sdo i decided that i only have like 5 Really good friends.. the ones that are always there for me and dont care when i get into bad moods or anything like that.. the ones that i know i can talk to no matter what shit is going on! like last night..

i really dont know whats whrong with me.. im starting to get really sepressed again.. and i dont know how to get out of it.. i just dont know whats whrong with me.. i have been thinking alot about suicide and shit like that.. and when i get into one of those moods.. anyone who goes near me BEWARE :/ it sucks becasue i dont realize what im doing until after..and i can like hurt my friends and the people i love when i dont realize what im doing.. (not in a violent way.. just like with words) i really want to go talk to my doctor or something this shit needs to stop.. i stoped taking my zoloft becasue it gave me chest pains so i think im gunna start taking it again.. i dont care what happens to me.. as long as im happy for a little while i guess...

anyways Gini.. Brittany.. Mada.. Julie.. and Amanda thank you girls so much for always being there.. i love you all so much and im sorry for anything that i have ever done to hurt you :/ i love you guys!

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::