The Only Broken-Hearted Loser You'll Ever Need

:: 2004 12 October :: 9.02am
:: Mood: baddd day
:: Music: stupid noisey freshman class

today is the worst day I've had all year :-)
yeah well today started off bad and just keeps getting worse. I'm in the computer lab right now with Lizzy. It's the first time I've talked to her in a long time..

Anyways, I hate when I find out my friends lie to me.. it's probly the worst thing they can do. And especially when they lie because they're trying to hide something that a friend wouldn't usually do in the first place.. Whatever, I don't have the patience right now to talk to you so when you read this I want you to know I give up and you can just have him ok....
I dont get you, you wanted me to move on & be happy and now you're contradicting that..??

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

:: 2004 11 October :: 11.53pm

icp was fucking sick :)

i got to see ryan molly ryan fogarty lindsay john keri lynds dana mark and everyone!!!

http://tinypic.com/c6m49

http://tinypic.com/c6m53

im tired of writing poetry of love
poetry of lust
poetry of wishes.. memories and such
im tired of faking happy
faking love and confidence
faking i dont miss you
this life goes on
whether or not we want it to
and im sick and tired of
amusing you all with my failure
i just wish someday i could
make something of myself
and make you all see how much i am worth
to make you wish that you had given me the time of day
make you brag that you knew me..
and make you wish that you were me
because i am nothing as of today..
but as for tomorrow..
wait and see

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

:: 2004 11 October :: 3.28pm
:: Music: monica x for you i will

last night!
ok so last night was maddd fun! well lets see it was like 7 00 last night ans i was in my pj's watching a movie when when amanda called! ya so then i went to her house to sleep over..

we were bored...

so sinse we were bored we decided to call my brother ... who was out with bill.. so they came to pick us up at like 8 00 or 8 30...

then we drove all the way to malborough to bills restaraunt and noone was there so we "broke in" me and amanda made ice cream and bill made dj and my brother omlets and then we ate and talked!

after that we went to amanda's daddys house for a visit at like 9 45... and i saw the 2 week old kittens.. i waant the black one soooooooooooooooo bad! ok so anyways...

then we started to go home and bill decided to show us the best "makout spot"... so we drive 10 mins up the windyst dirt roaduntil we like reached a tower.. then we went to go climb the tower.. we ran like 30 feet up this path/road until we got to the tower.. then i looked around and was like why are there lights there.. amanda sed cuz theres a car.. so bill like freaks outr and was like WE HAVE TO GO!! so my brother goes i think its a cop...

so we sprint down to the car and bill like miksses the knob.. so he unlocks the doors but amanda wont open.. and by this time the car was like DIRECTLY behind us and amanda was freaking out and dj was trying to help her.. then we get into the car anhd the other car starts to back down the hill.. so we go to leave and then we see it like parked hidden away.. so bill being a psycho that he is.. he puts sierens on the radio and stops right next to the random freak ni the van... so dj rools down the window and me and amanda are like what if its an undercover cop or sometihng who got your plates.. so needless to say bill started FLYING down the dirt road.. we bottomed out like 4 times in his car too.. we al thought we were gunna shit our fucking pants! it was actually a pretty amazing and funny ass night!

ok then we went back to amandas.. tried to do out hw and then went to bed..

then we went to the mall this morning and tried on dresses and had lunch at johnny rockets!

thats all

-Nik

2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

:: 2004 11 October :: 3.35pm
:: Music: Crossfade ` Cold

NeW LaYouT...

comment.

:: 2004 11 October :: 12.14pm
:: Music: Juvenile `Nolia clap

Last night when me and katie smoked I thought about alot of stuff...
and I decided I'm just gonna quit. I've said this like 394723 times but I know it's the only way to let go of my past.. and move on.. I just need to stop everything I've been doing since the Summer of '03.. and just move on.. it was fun while it lasted but alot of the memories I keep are just haunting my future.. and the only way to let go of them is to move onto something new.. and make new memories.

So good-bye to everything.. hopefully October 31st will be a nice final episode

4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

:: 2004 10 October :: 8.16am
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: kenny chesney x when the sun goes down

so ya... i talked to becca andwe're okay now.. im really excited for my party and ...and how much fun its hopefully gunna be..

well my little c team is going to competition onsaturday so im excited for them!...

ok so last night was their game and amanda was there.. so ya.. the mentally challaged kid got hurt who always sings with jay.. and so the ambulence came.. so of course our nosey-ness had to go investigate.. but wen amanda saw the ambulence she just broke down... it was horrible.. so we were both just sitting there crying randomly and no one knew why... and i love amanda sooo much and she needed to cry.. its not a bad thing.. like some people were like ohh why the fuck is she crying.. why are you guys crying ... but they dont understand what losing someone you loved that much was like... she just kept saying she misses gene.. and that she loves him so much.. i couldnt even handle watching her cry..

im kinda dreading the memorial service becasue if seeing one little ambulence can causer that.. im not gunna stop crying during the whole memorial service!

on a lighter note..

MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 10 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!

ya so i think i might have a CRUSH on someone.. but im not sure yet...

:)

-NikkiE

P.S. Gene i love you.. your forever in my heart!

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

:: 2004 9 October :: 6.29pm
:: Mood: not sure
:: Music: none

Havent updated in a while..

hmm yeah well I havent updated in a while.

I just got home from work, my feet hurt.
anyways tonight I get to hang out with my favoritest people ever :-) my babyboy got mad at me today cause I said something I shouldn't have said.. :-[ but were ok now I think so thats good

peace =)

2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

:: 2004 7 October :: 10.26pm

ok so i keep thinking about my dream.. its really creeping me out i read about what some things in dreams mean so if you have any input let me know this stuff really interests me..

i forgot to mention other parts of my dream before
i was in the school when i woke up and was talking to john morris crying saying that i didnt want the cold to come and looking out the window and seeing feet of snow outside..

Snow � Repressed feelings, critical, judgmental

School � Learning about yourself with a view to improving yourself

Hallway � Uterus

White
Perfection
Meaning: Hope, faith, purity, perfection, confidence, enlightenment.

When mixed or associated with other colors it purifies and refines the meaning of that color.

White alone can indicate a proud, rigid, judgmental immaturity - a �should be�, controlling attitude.

Soft or pearl white can indicate the gift of prophesy.

Green
heart
Meaning: Adaptability, reconciliation, Need for healing, harmony, balance, reconciliation (within self or self with others).

Dark green, battle dress green or green and black represent difficulties with sharing (jealousy, rivalry). Need to balance male and female aspects. Look for trouble with the heart.

Balance and healing for the heart, circulatory systems and emotions by becoming more giving, generous and emotionally �open�.

i cant think of any other keywords from my dream..

i dont know but from re-reading what i remembered about it i think that it means i dont want winter to come.. i dont want change to come and i cant accept all that im going to lose but from the words of ::someone:: in this dream they are telling me that i shouldnt worry because all that i lose ill get back someday.. and that some things may change.. but they will always change back? maybe? idk i wish i knew tho..

1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

:: 2004 7 October :: 5.20pm

ok ya so im mad at becca becasue lately everytime i try to talk to her she only wants to talke about andy or she has to go.. like she doesnt pay attention to her friends problems.. but only hers.. but whatever becasue we never tlked anymore anyways.. i wisht it went back to the way things were in 8th grade!

ya so i told becca this and she like blamed me :'( so i guess im done with that cuz i dont even nkow what to do.. its funny how i can cry over a person i havnt seen in at least the past month.. like.. i doubt she gunna come to my party.. even though she knows i still love her.. its just im going through some bad times lately and i need someone to talk to.. and i want it to be her.. but it wont be.. becasue she always goes away when i try to talk to her.. so i dont know what im gunna do.. im just realyl upset.. i dont want to lose her becasue i love her i have just been really upset and depressed lately.. like i've never felt that i actually wanted to doe.. or kill myself but i have been thinking that alot lately.. like more than yuo could imagine.. and i have tried so hard for the last 2 days especially to smile but i cant... i just cant fake it any more..

i really want to die rigfht now.. i hope this feeling will go away :'(

-Nik

:: 2004 7 October :: 7.06am

i just had this really weird dream that i was walking through teh school and it was snowing outside.. and i was talking to ::someone:: about ::something:: and i was like "i just wanna know what the future will be like.." and he says "dont worry everything you lose youll someday get back..everything will be alright"

wow..if only it were that easy...

happy 18th big jimmy little

:: 2004 6 October :: 6.40am

i kist fucking love how people have to change everything.. like if something is going good then it has to be stoped or changed.. now whoevers reading this (if thats anyone) its about more than one thing so dont fucking take it all personally.. although it is also about what oyu think..

ok so i had my first appointment and i think it helped.. except when i got home my parents decided to be fucking assholes!

ya so bean is officially gone becasue PEOPLE decided to fucking change it and add more people without yalking to the actual BEAN! so fuck that shit im done with it.. so now you can change it to beasack.. cuz i dont wanna be a part of that shit.. im done.. ijust fucking done.. there was really no piont of bean in the first place.. the B in it was never even around.. we never talked any more.. so i guess there was actually no point in it...

gr that just fucking pisses me off.. that it ws like "soooo important" and then i got to be changed for shit.. like we all get along right?? FUCK THAT!! wow its funny how gay some people can be GRRRR!!!

ahhhh im so fucking pissed

bye

:: 2004 5 October :: 10.43pm

half day today helll yesss :-)

ryan molloy cannot go to lockup i wont let him :( i <3 himmmmmmmmm

bahhh life is fucking gay.. and amusing

3 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: | ::I::Saw::Red::

xoxchubbyxox

:: 2004 5 October :: 10.04pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: ice ice baby lol!

better mood
well things seem to get progessively better as my time in this place continues :-/ i hate adjustments!

ive made new friends...sort of...lol. rite now im just hopin it will all get better from here...

on the brite side i actually sit somewhere at lunch...whoa! rite ahaha. i miss u guys so much...i cant wait till the 23rd! except i have no idea wat to get u nikkie! >:O esp after hearing about some of the other gifts.....maybe dougs?? lol!!

well id appreciate a comment from u assholes ...byebye :0)

:: 2004 5 October :: 7.12am

the world is hell...