stop before you fall
i like the way my hair gets when i take a shower in the morning or during the day and i lay down and let it air dry. it gets all crazy and messed up from laying on it.

i hate feeling like i'm bothering people. and for some reason i feel like that quite a bit.

my neck and upper back/shoulder areas are extremely sore. last night i went to the "country western" dance at sl. i guess i felt compelled to go since i'm a cowboy. plus i wanted to be nice and give $2 to SADD. well they played "smells like teen spirit" in honor of me, and i had to give the crowd what they wanted. i didn't do too much head-banging, cuz i knew i'd be paying for it today. but, uh, it still hurts so i really didn't save myself any of the pain anyway.

i'm wearing gray today.

don't try, you'll never win.

cheating
instead of writing something original, since i am lacking any ability to write at this particular moment in time, here are some lyrics from bush. it works because this is basically what i think in my head anyway, it's just coming out of gavin's mouth:

i'm a man
i'm real proud of my manhood
i like to smoke ten-thousand cigarillos
eight ball
i'll climb any fountains
i never cry
only bawl when i'm losing

and i've never been wrong, never been wrong, never been wrong
and i'm looking so good, looking so good, looking so good

got a big gold gun
got a big gold bullet
and i guess you could say, yeah i guess you could say
i'm real full of it

i'm real straight
wanna see my peccadilloes?
hot dog, 7:30 every morning

and i'm big into war, big into war, big into war
i am a whore, i am whore, i am a whore

got a big gold gun
got a big gold bullet
and i guess you could say, yeah i guess you could say
i'm real full of it
you're real full of it
we're real full of it

and i shave with gillette, shave with gillette, shave with gillette
and i'm patting my back, patting my back, patting my back

green couches, coffee, and barney
things worth living for. goodnight all.

in like a lion
it's early for me being up on a saturday morning. i'm still yawning. i woke up because i was cold (my sheets and blanket have gone to hell and nothing is tucked in anymore) and cuz mark was making noise as usual. mark is my dad for those of you who don't know ;-)

i feel like if i'm not sad, mad, thoughtful, or extremely excited/happy, there's really no point in writing in here. who really cares what i did today or what i want to do tomorrow? no one, because everyone is already preoccupied with their own yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. and i think i should keep a record in which i write down the days that actually mattered to me at the time, or had some kind of impact on me that i can feel now. i wonder how many days out of a year that would be?

there's two ways to look at it: the first being that every single little action you make adds to the way things are going to turn out in the end - every choice means something and will affect the outcome of life later on. i always love thinking of how one simple difference in the way you do something today could change the future dramatically. it's like the short story called "a sound of thunder" or something (for those of you who went to south lake, we read it in 8th grade.)... and say 3 years ago, instead of walking somewhere, i had decided to run. maybe i would be different now. bad example, but you know what i mean. i finally watched tv last night because "ferris bueller's day off" was on tnn. and there was this commericial for play station 2 or whatever and it showed a little village or something and played it backwards and showed how it came to be, things growing and whatnot, and it all started cuz a guy was walking through a big open field and he spit out a seed. so, one little seed had that much power.

now, the other way to look at it is that certain things in your life stay basically the same all the time, no matter what you do to change it. like school for instance, you always go, no matter what different things you might do throughout the course of the year. obviously if you run away from home or handcuff yourself to your bed, you will be taking dramatic steps in order to escape school... but just "regular/normal" behavior won't change that.

i suppose my point (yeah, i was surprised i had one too) is that every day goes by fast, with no action by us to make it worthwhile or interesting... no voluntary action at least... and yet every day has a role in shaping what's gonna happen. some of the most important things in my life have happened to me when i didn't even consciously try to get them. i think that's the greatest thing about life sometimes.

i usually only write in here when i'm depressed so why should there be different moods to pick from?
i hate the world. i love life.

english 101
i noticed that one of the moods you can pick for this is "horny." that's really dumb.

well i promised that i would do an english lesson on to, too, and two. so here it is:

two.
it's a number. i hope that's an easy idea for you kids to understand. so you don't say, "i go two the store." no. if you write like that, please do the world a favor, and just stop. i don't know, maybe you should start using a hand-held recorder at all times. but never pick up a writing utensil again.

to.
this is a preposition. "what's a preposition?" you may ask. well johnny, according to my funk & wagnalls new comprehensive international dictionary of the english language, a preposition is:

a word functioning to indicate the relation of a substance (the object of the preposition) to another substantive, a verb, or an adjective: one of the eight traditional parts of speech. a preposition is usually placed before its object, and together they constitute a prepositional phrase which serves as an adjectival or an adverbial modifier: he sat beside the fire.

now that we understand what a preposition is, we can apply that definition to the word, "to." i shall list a few examples in which this word should be used:

- i went to school today.
- we danced cheek to cheek.
- to be, or not to be.

usually people don't have that much of a problem with "to" or "two." the real disaster lies within "too."

too.
no one ever uses this word. it's not there just for fun. it was created for a purpose. "too" is like saying, "also," or "more than," for use in describing a sentence with exaggeration or the amount of something. example time!

timmy says, "i'm going to the annual quilt-making contest this monday."
beatrice responds with, "i'm going too!" beatrice is going to the quilt-making contest as well. now, if it had been written, "i'm going to!" then it would be like an incomplete sentence. she's going to where?

here's another example. "that orange skirt makes my butt look too big."
if it read, "that orange skirt makes my butt look to big," then in essence, it would sound as if the orange skirt is forcing "my butt" to look over at "big" (as if it were a noun). obviously, this does not make much sense, although it is quite funny to think about.

so, there you are kiddies. now go out and write correctly. impress your teachers, win new friends, influence people. hooray.

retarded radio
djs know that pearl jam made more songs than just "alive," right? cuz that's all they ever play, my goodness!!! it drives me crazy! they have so many good songs, singles even, that radio could spin, but nooo they only play "alive"! bah!

what can clocks do?
today is wednesday. i now have 4 days to do: a poetry project in which i pick 5 poems and analyze them, a paper analyzing "the merchant of venice" by shakespeare, and a project for my anatomy class on a bone disease called pyorrhea. why am i so apathetic all the time?? it's seriously weird. i can't accept the reason being that i have "senioritis". bullshit. i was never such a lazy procrastinator. maybe there's too much going on for me to just sit and concentrate. actually i think i know what it is.

i'm sick of doing things that i don't want to do. it feels like i've been overwhelmed with doing things i really don't like (i really don't know how else to explain what i mean) and having to allow outside forces dictate my life. i don't like how we all have to follow rules. and i'm not talking about stopping at a red light. i mean how i can't take off on a road trip out west just because i feel like it... so that i can park my car in the middle of the desert and lay down on the hood during a thunderstorm and experience something i have never felt before. i mean how we have to go to school for 16 years of our lives, then get a job, then work for 30 more years, then we have to tend to our gardens and go to the doctor every other week. i think about it, and it seems that all i can do is wait for that tedious, meaningless, wasteful ladder-climb to money to be over with. to wait out all that crap i don't want to do but have to do anyway. and there's waiting for other things too.

waiting for that time - that happy time when you get to be with someone, or you get to see a movie you've wanted to see forever, or when the sun comes out again. it's like a constant wait for something, anything besides the current time/being/feeling/breath, that lasts a split second, and then you're back to waiting again. and then one day the wait is over cuz you're dead. life is waiting for death.

i don't know. this is merely thoughts written down, it's not supposed to make sense. it's so frustrating. there's certain simple things i love so much about the world, but there's also the realization that i won't be able to bask in these joys whenever i want and i have to put up with a lot of stupid annoying things that are not going to matter when i die! ahhh!!!! obviously, everyone has to do this too... but i just wish there was some way for everyone to realize it, and think, "hmm this is dumb." but that's never going to happen and money will always exist, so there's really no point in trying to rebel and change society. i just want to be happy in my own life, and i know i'm going to try my hardest to do that, but right now there are certain restrictions that i can't override and it's preventing my happiness. therefore i end up writing all this shit.

long distance relationships are hard.

my life and times
my life in the morning sun
my life in the speeding car
too much to lose

my life in the empty vase
my life in electric wire
too much to lose
too much to lose
my life to you

hear the way that the world keeps calling
my life to you
show the way and i'll keep it coming
too much to lose
too much to lose
my life to you

my life in the messy room
my life in a greasy girl
too much to lose

my life in the noble cause
my life in the war machine
too much to lose
too much to lose
too much to lose
my life to you

hear the way that the world keeps calling
my life to you
show the way
and i'll keep it coming
too much to lose
too much to lose
too much to lose

cuz my time and my love stand for always
our time and our lives stand for always

any way that you want it now
just say the word, you can have it now

my life to you
my life to you
my life to you

today is the greatest
today is a typical sunday: cold, cloudy, gray, boring, apathetic, etc. sundays during the school year suck. especially during this time of year, when the snow isn't pretty anymore and the christmas lights are gone. every little hint of sunshine feels magical because you hardly ever see it anymore.

i have my homework done, so that makes the day not as bad. i just noticed that the sweatshirt hoodie i'm wearing is gray.

last night i saw "the hours" at 9:55 pm. i know that's sort of late, but it wasn't even showing at star gratiot, so i had to look at amc forum 30, and 9:55 was the only possible show we could make. i went with danielle and rachelle, which of course made the evening quite eventful. while we were sitting in the theater before the movie started, staring at the screen of annoying business ads and movie trivia, rachelle decided to call her boyfriend on her cell phone. at the same time, the girl behind us was on her cell phone. i turned to danielle (i sat in the middle of rachelle and danielle) and said, "oh geez, save me from all these cell phones!" hoping for some comfort, but then she whipped out hers too. she tried calling her mom a thousand times but she wasn't home. so finally the previews start, blah blah blah, and danielle tries her mom again. well it just so happens that she finally gets through, and at this same time, the previews end and the "and now our feature presentation" type thing comes on... and you know how during the previews there is a bunch of loud music and dialogue from the movies being shown? and then it gets completely silent at the end. so just as danielle says "hi mommy!" in a louder-than-normal tone, the preview ends, the theater is silent, and everyone hears her. it was the funniest thing that's happened to me in a while.

but besides that, "the hours" was a very intense movie. it's one of those movies that makes you feel a bunch of different emotions all at the same time. and you know it's brilliant but can't really pinpoint exactly what happened that made it so. so, if you're mature and appreciate movies that probe into the abyss of life, death, and why anything means anything, i recommend that you see it. i want to see it again already.

well, there's not much else to say... i think brandy's gonna call me, so i have to end this. maybe i'll write later.

p.s. something from the movie last night...

why do people have to die?

so that the rest of us will appreciate our lives more.

i woke up at 7:45 today
i should've just stayed home. not that today was really that bad of a day, but the 15 minutes between the time i woke up and the time i arrived at school were so annoying. it was like a movie, where everything possible goes wrong.

so first i wake up late, that's all fine and dandy, i can bounce back. well luckily since i'm such a sport, i throw my clothes out the night before so that i can sleep in longer and not have to decide that morning what sexy vintage shirt to wear (i'll do anything for 10 more minutes of heavenly sleep). so i easily threw on my clothes.

the next item on the agenda was putting in my contacts. this is usually a quick and easy routine process. oh, but not when you're in a hurry and need to get them in your eyes as fast as possible! the one for my right eye kept bending over and not sticking on my eye. so finally, after 4 hours of figuring that out, i grab the keys to my car (1983 chevrolet caprice classic) so i can give it 2 minutes of warming up time before i shoot the shit to south lake.

well of course my mom's car is parked in front of the garage (the chev is inside the garage) so i gotta move it. i do that, jump in the chev... and what do you know, it doesn't start. now, this is honestly rare because he's only "not started" twice this school year... once cuz the spark plugs were old and covered with crud... the other time, well... i'm not too sure what happened, but later that day he worked again. so i was like "ahh!" and kept trying, but the damn thing wouldn't turn over.

so i ran inside the house and had to wake up my sleeping sister to ask her if she needed her car today. luckily she didn't, so i asked if i could drive it to school. after a little hesitation and the grogginess faded, she said, "yeah... but is it gonna have any time to warm up??" and i was like "uh.. well not really... i'm late, i gotta go! where are your keys??" so then, more hesitation follows before she spits out the answer, "uhh... i think they're in my coat pocket." "in the front closet??" "yeah."

so i run into the front room and to the closet, find her coat among a jungle of winter crap and vacuums, go through her pockets, and... no keys. just as i'm about to run back to her room, she walks out and says, "here," and gives me the keys. so who knows where they really were.

at this point, my hair hasn't been combed, my belt isn't buckled, my sweater is hanging off one shoulder, my shirt is only buttoned once at the top, and i haven't urinated yet (i always pee in the morning, you know how it is). on the bright side, my teeth have been brushed. so i throw on my big plaid jacket and rush out the door.

then i realize that i have to move my mom's car yet again because we have a 2-car garage, and when i moved her car, i just moved it to the right side (since the chevy is in the left side of the garage). so i have to run back into the house and get my mom's keys, move her car back to the left side, then run back inside and put her keys back.

finally i get inside the garage and find that the madness isn't over. we have so much junk in our garage that my dad has to actually line some of it up in between the car spots. so there's like wood and big barrels and trash cans and such. anyway, brianne's car was parked way too close to all the junk. i squeezed through, half-opened the door, and threw my backpack in. i then attempted squeezing into the seat, but couldn't do it.

so i run around to the other side of the car, open the passenger's door, and do an army crawl. this is very strenuous of course, because i have to climb over my backpack while making sure not to hit my head on the "ceiling" or step on anything important. so, hurray, i am finally situated behind the wheel.

my next challenge is to back the car out. now, this seems relatively simple, but with our driveway, it's not. it's shaped like a Y with a crooked top. so if i'm backing the chevy out from the left side of the garage, i can go straight back, but if i back out a car from the right side, i have to back out at an angle and then go straight. well there's this big bush thing, who knows the hell is it, is has a lot of branches, and it's behind the house on the right side of the driveway. i always get too close to it while trying not to hit my mother's parked car, and blah blah blah. so after some maneuvering, i get out of the driveway, onto my street.

i speed my way to school, walk in, and see lizz wallace. she comments on how i'm late or something. it's like 8:03. i roll into class unnoticed, and mix in with class like i've been there the whole time. note: my hair is sticking up and out of control, the belt is still unbuckled, and my shirt is still flowing like i'm a bee gee.

craig sits kitty-corner from me and says his first words of the day to me: "you look like hell." i've been having some bad days lately.

but don't let it discourage you. after that, today was relatively nice. not too much homework... not too much action either. just a dull friday. nicole and craig will be up north for the weekend. yippity doo, i'll be home nursing my returning sore throat (bastard tonsils). it's time to eat dinner. i'm game.