somehow calm as she walks offstage
everybody's carrying on with their lives. i should too.

so last night i went to shhaab and shahooda's birthday party. it was weird, because i haven't seen any of my cousins in so long. jana was there, only oh my God she lost a lot A LOT of weight. she looked really good. i was so surprised. fatma, she just...... sort of ballooned out sideways and no one really said anything about it. and they sat on their couch with lulu and 7anan, cousins in law, and talked together and exchanged little kuwaiti hijabi girl stories. what'd i do? after i got through saying hello to osama (who was VERY friendly) and ahmad (who was trying to avoid shaking my hand, after that disaster last year with his melodramatic insanely jealous wife), i made it a point to go hang with my more loved cousins. namely, shhaab, shahooda, fawaz (all 12 year olds) and 7asoon (2 year old). since a7mad and osama were all married n things, they wanted to be tight-asses and watch the game. a7mad brought his kid, latoofa, sweet girl. very lovable. lulu's pregnant again. it's like she didn't even breathe, as soon as she popped out latifa, she's pregnant again. she's almost due now. *dislikes lulu*. so i played soccer with shhaab and fawaz. fawaz played goalie, shhaab and i demonstrated some fancy foot work. he beat me 3 to 1. *hangs head in shame* in my defense, i suck at soccer. so we set up a basketball game, one on one, me n shhaab. the next thing i know, shahad and fawaz are also playing, and it's me against all three of them. it was hilarious, cuz if i couldn't get the ball, i'd just pick up whoever it was that happened to be holding it, then run to the opposite end. close game, i won 52 to 47. *dances*. kuwaiti/lebanese kids are better at soccer than they are at basketball. my cousins, jana and fatma, looked on in distaste. lulu was all but disgusted (she was in fact sick a couple of times) and 7anan politely looked away. my behavior, as far as they were concerned, was shameful. i was sixteen. lulu and 7anan's mothers were both there, and they both had eligible sons. i was supposed to sit nicely before them, much as jana and fatma did, and hope they would like me best and marry me to their sons. i however, wanted nothing to do with it. i finally got to wrestling with the three. the last time i'd wrestled with fawaz, shhaab and shahooda at the same time, they were 10. now they're twelve. i got the hell beaten out of me. swollen lip, swollen eye, and i keep blowing blood out of my nose. but it was so worth it. also, i may limp for some week now. i had the time of my life pissing off the pretty ladies. my hair and clothes were a right mess afterwards, and my face took a good beating, but i didn't care. i had fun. it's all that should matter. finally, my mother decided it was time to go, and all the way home in the car, she gushed over how funny it was to watch my cousins stare at me in shock. they had told her i was being a child, and should be reprimanded severely once we got home. my sides hurt we laughed so much. eventually tho, we got into that fight about racism.

my mother thinks all syrians are bad people by nature. meaning, she truly beleives there is this gene called a syrian gene that makes people cold-hearted and treacherous. there's also an egyptian gene that makes them stingy and greedy apparently. how could i argue with that? i was shocked. my mother, the PhD, actually beleived this, as in she truly did hold this as scientific fact. she said, of course there are exceptions, but those exceptions go through great turmoil to overcome their true blood. *bangs head on hard objects*

wait, the night gets better.

i got online, as always, talking to people. barney had an orgy with me, concubine, beladi, andy. we missed AC. well i missed AC. i was also talking to laurence, kaileen and ozy. i'm talking to ozy and he asks me how i feel and i totally break down. maybe i should mention, he's got his webcam on and i can see him. i'm completely crying over here, missing blag, and he suddenly goes very still. he goes "now i feel bad" and i go "why?" and he goes "because i thought you were ok". this is the freaky part. he started crying. i was so shocked i stopped crying. he was trying to stop himself for a bit, then he got up, got a tissue, and walked around his room. he paced a bit, then sat back down. i asked him if he was ok. he says "yea..." then he gets up again. a lot of talking followed this strange occurence. a lot of mushy, emotional talking. a lot of promises i was ok. a lot of promises i would be. a lot of promises he'd be there for me. a lot of promises. eventually i couldn't handle it and went to sleep. long night. strange night.

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