kinkyrose1212
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2009 24 September :: 2.36pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: Random shit
Life and boys
Well, what can I say? There's the token black guy who REALLY wants me to have a three-way with him and Meeple, which is NOT happening as he got pretty attached when I had sex with him before, and I've met someone knew who I am quite interested in, so I don't want to do ANYTHING to jeopardize that. He may not be the best choice of love interests for a couple stupid reasons that are easy for me to ignore, but you only live once, everything happens for a reason, from what I hear he likes me, too, so FUCK IT!!! I'm going for it! Nothing's made me smile this much in SO fucking long! Blackie- " Just be serious with him...grab him by the collar. " Me- " Literally!?! " Blackie- " Yeah! " Me- " So I should just like, pin him to the wall and make out with him!?! " Blackie- " Yeah! " Well, I don't think I'll be using THAT approach, but it's all good. And woohoo for no sleep, caffeine, and whatever other substances I can pump into my system! Oh, and then there's Joo who says, " You can marry me without the hassle of papers. " Yeah, buddy, that'll definitely happen. Anyway, I'm supposed to hang out with Newbie tonight, so we'll see what happens. I want it SO much that I literally couldn't believe it when Blackie told me that Newbie said he might have a thing for me, too. But, I'll take things slow, and whatever happens happens. If this doesn't work, though, well....I'll just be very sad. Anyway, that's all for now.
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 17 September :: 2.21am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Random shit
Fuck my life
I should just keep drinking and keep smoking until I die, which, considering my life, will hopefully be soon. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore, and I don't really give a fuck. There are two people I love. One is dead. The pother is just....him. What can I say? No one gives a shit about anything I'm typing anyway, so what's the fucking point of writing it? Fuck you all...
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 4 September :: 1.41am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Random shit
Life
I feel horrible for all of my little group right now, except for one, for he will always be okay. But she might not. I might not. Cough medicine, alcohol, pot, pills, and everything else. Whatever. Life is just depressing as fuck. I'll explain more later, I guess. If anyone cares.
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 31 August :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Sad songs
Lots of love, just not the right kind...
I thought I was so close, but apparently I was wrong. I just want to be close to someone. I haven't in a long time. Corey's gone, and obviously, I'm never going to find another love like that, and I'm pretty sure I'll never find the kind of love I need, so what can I do? People tell me to just wait, but when you spend all your time with the person you love who isn't reciprocating, how could you get over it? And how could you not get excited at every little show of affection. When you're yearning to be in his arms, but he just won't say yes. And you can't even tell if he's being honest when he says he doesn't love you. I can't fucking do this anymore.
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 31 August :: 4.36am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: From Autumn to Ashes and Alkaline Trio
Oh God...
I know I haven't been dealing with things the right way lately, but I don't give a fuck. My mind might just have snapped. My hands hurt every time I move them. I slit them up so I would remember not touch him. Even though all I've ever wanted to fucking do is hold him! I mean, obviously I want to make love with him, but he just doesn't understand that I all I really need is to hold him. To hold him and snuggle with him for just one fucking night. Maybe that could lead to the love making, maybe not, I don't give a fuck. It's all I need, and it's not that much to ask for. I don't want to be touched at all. Maybe not even by him. No matter what, you will always be alone. You can share your time with someone, but you know deep down inside that you'll always be all alone. Isn't that the saddest fucking thing? But it's also the truest. I'm done. And Corey, this is for you:
" I've got a big, fat fuckin' bone to pick
With you my darling.
In case you haven't heard I'm sick;
I'm tired of tryin'.
I wish I could take my radio to bathe with me,
Plugged in and ready to fall... "
I love you guys. With all of my heart.
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 23 August :: 6.54pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Alkaline Trio-Radio
Boys and love
Well, things didn't work out with the new guy I started liking, but I didn't really expect them to. The only thing that bothers me is we were sitting there talking and I was rubbing his arm. Not in an asshole way, and almost discretely, he pushed my hand away. WHO DOES THAT!?! Anyway, the other guy I've liked for a while is finally starting to like me back. I was pushing really hard for things at the beginning, which was probably part of the problem; I don't like when people try and pressure me into things either. Then I got really bitchy and resentful. Then he did something that REALLY pissed me off and hurt me, so I was kinda like, Fuck that shit. Since I've chilled out and stopped being such a bitch, he's starting to like me, which is awesome. I love him with all of my heart, and I know he loves me with all of his, but God only knows if either of us feel it in a romantic sense. I do, but then last night my friend was like, " You want to fuck him, you're not in love with him. You love him, but you've been in love with quite a lot of people. " So now I don't know. Whenever she tells me something, I can't help but believe it, because she knows me better than I know myself a lot of times. But who the hell knows? We'll see what happens. Until then, I love him whole-heartedly, anyway.
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 19 August :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: Robert Plant
SEX
I need cock. Plain and simple. And a decent cock, not someone who's a sleazebag. But this finding one is easier said than done these days, and that really sucks. Cock: When masturbation and fucking your girlfriends just won't cut it! Jesus Christ. Oh, and I crashed my car today! That was fun! Hopefully my insurance will cover anything, but if not, oh well. I just won't have a car for a while again.
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babaloo181
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2009 7 August :: 6.54pm
:: Mood: thinking..
This Time by John Legend
"This Time"
[Verse 1]
Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
it started to hit me
now you're not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
its so crystal clear now
that I need your here now
I gotta get you back today
[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.
[Verse 2]
I hit the bar everynight
Looking to score a good time
It's not like I planned it
I'm left empty handed
'Cause im still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
Cause I need you back by my side.
[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.
[Bridge]
Last time I wasn't sure
This time I will give you more
I'm more mature
I'll show you
Last time I didn't know
I messed up and let you go
I need you
don't say no.
Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
pick up the phone
want you to come home
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
giving you all my heart
This time I'll take the chance
This time I'll be your man
I can be all you need
This time its all in me.
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 7 August :: 12.54pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Goose's video game
Oh Boy
Car and Insurance: $10,000, Gas: $20, Billy Idol CD: $17.99, Speeding around, stoned, and blasting the acoustic version of " Rebel Yell ": Priceless.
It occurred to me as I was driving around that this is how life should have felt all through high school. Except maybe without the overwhelming sense of doom. I was thinking about my old teachers and I thought, " Well, I'm sorry that they had the semi-misfortune of meeting me, but at least I kept things interesting. " If I ever went in to visit (I really don't know if I ever would), that would be the most amazing display of someone almost shitting their pants just because they see you and can probably tell that you've gotten to a point in your life where you have almost no reservations. That'll be a fun day. But if I ever visit, I think it will be on my last day in Marlborough before I move VERY far away. Or maybe not. What's the worst that could happen? Well...
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kinkyrose1212
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2009 27 July :: 4.08am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Coldplay-The Scientist
Epic fucking fail
I can't believe that happened, or I guess saying I can't believe that DIDN'T happen would be more accurate. I know I can do better and it's not worth getting upset over, but are you fucking kidding me!?! I do not feel very good right now. I know I can be pretty intense and fast paced, but really? REALLY!?! From both guys: MMH and GR. I am just so depressed I could cry right now. If I know I can do better, then why does rejection hurt so bad? I didn't think it would. I didn't think I actually cared, but surprise. I'm so fucking lonely. You don't really understand why you do the things you do and how alone you really are until something like this happens. Until you get surprised and you just can't believe what you're seeing and you don't want to believe it, but what choice have you got? I know this is ridiculous, and I know Lisa is right about everything, but Jesus Christ...what a let down. You know, I have a feeling that all of this has to do with missing Corey and shit, and being so fucking alone sometimes, but still......God fucking damn it. This kind of shit always upsets me a lot, because if I can't hope for someone loving me/ being attracted to me, what the fuck left do I have to hope for? I know that's a bit dramatic or however the fuck you'd like to judge it, but seriously, you know? I don't care who it is, I just need some GUY to love me. I wish I didn't. It makes me sick with myself, and NO fucking guy is worth what I go through for them, I'd just always like to believe that maybe this is the one. Maybe this is the love I've been waiting for. Because then I wouldn't have to look anymore, and it would be easier. I just don't fucking know anymore. Clearly, I am just a desperate, fucking idiot who looks forward to too much and the wrong things. This particular " situation " isn't the only thing making me think this, but am I always going to be alone? Am I always going to fall for people who will never love me back? Why do I bother? Right now, I kind of feel like I should get used to the idea that I'm going to be alone for a while, and that's probably for the best. But it still fucking hurts just as much. Fuck life. Whatever. What is the point, really? Every time something like this happens, I really get pushed back into wondering why I'm still hanging on and why I don't just let go of everything that hurts me. And why can't I just fucking realize that only person you can rely on is yourself, and, in my case, my GIRL friends. I'm so fucking sad.
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