kinkyrose1212
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2013 4 April :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: My Anthem playing in my head
I feel so old and so young at the same time. Sometimes I think I am having a type of mid-life crisis. I want to be mature and responsible but in this environment I can't help but use the adrenaline rush of being a teen-angsty rebel like a shot of bliss circulating through my blood stream. I can't take myself seriously, I feel like I'm falling. What am I really doing with my life? Will it be worth it? When I get to the end, will I look back and feel satisfied? Proud? Successful? Like I actually achieved at least some of my dreams? A big part of this has to do with me not really knowing what I want. It was easier before. I wanted to be fucked up all the time and fantasize about ending my life. I knew I'd never actually kill myself, intentionally, but those were simple, clear wants. Now I am almost twenty five and I still haven't done anything meaningful. It's very disappointing. After this, I really need to spend some time alone and sink back into my own skin, and not this skittish, insecure bitch who uses sarcasm and curse words as shields against meaningful emotional interaction, with some individuals, not all. I don't feel comfortable as myself, I feel like I don't know who I am, but I don't always like the persona I am projecting. I feel like it's not real because I am some kind of paranoid about people and trust, what to believe, whom it is safe to get close to. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing a game of cat and mouse, but I suppose I am the cat as often as the mouse. Relationships are twisted sometimes, far-reaching chains of people, each engaged in their own game, the taunting and the teased, churning, desiring, and blazing with injustice and passion. I think we all try and be the best we can be, while at the same time keeping parts of ourselves hidden away. Maybe that's just me. This isn't like high school, where the bonds of trust were warm and something to wrap yourself in. Here, I feel like craziness is swarming around me and sometimes I just need to walk away, breathe, and laugh at the ridiculousness of the world here at Job Corps. I pass between feeling like I am among people of my own kind and feeling completely alien to everyone around me. I can't unlock myself. Perhaps I just need to find a better way to do it, but when I try, things get strange. My heart, too, is filled with a yearning, that may yet go unfulfilled, and I will leave here disappointed, not feeling like any of it was worthwhile. Fuck people.
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 21 March :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: pissed off
Fuck you very much, Snarf. You are the weakest link.....good bye!
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 20 March :: 11.48am
:: Mood: annoyed
Love...?
An update on my love life: I was dating a boy but I broke up with him because I started REALLY liking this other guy and thought I'd end up cheating on him. This other guy, Nick, wanted time to think and a few weeks past. I didn't think anything was going to happen and I do like the boy I was dating, so I went back out with him. Today I broke up with him again because I still really like Nick and whether or not he decides to date me, I feel like it's fucked up for me to date the other boy while I'm pining for someone else. Now two of my other friends like Nick, too, and he still doesn't know what he wants to do. I understand, because he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but it would be nice if he could make a decision. Maybe I should just ask him out and see what he says. I don't know. I really like him, a lot, we really connected and all of that, but if he can't make a choice, there's nothing I can do. Except hibernate in my room all of the time I'm not in class and ignore everybody. Meanwhile, another guy is in love with me but he is a very damaged person and I don't want to add to that. I'm trying to walk the fine line between being the best friend I can for him but struggling with feelings of attraction to him, as well. Fuck this bullshit. I don't even know if I should stay for pharmacy tech anymore. I want to go to college for psychology, anyway, which is somewhat related if I'm looking into the psychiatric medication aspect of it. But maybe it would be better if I just got the fuck out of here, away from people, and pursued relationships in a place where things were more settled, because no one knows what's going to happen when everyone leaves here. I might as well try and find out what he'd say if I asked him out. Fuck it, what have I got to lose?
9 Crushed ME |
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 8 March :: 11.03am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Whatever
Really fucking sad.
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 14 February :: 12.28pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Everything under the sun!
Sex
I have come to the conclusion that I am a terrible, terrible person. But what can I do about it? Indulge!
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 12 February :: 2.53pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
I passed the shit out of that certification test!
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 12 February :: 10.25am
:: Mood: hopeful
I'm going to try and kick the shit out of the PowerPoint certification test again this afternoon. Wish me luck!
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 11 February :: 7.38pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Led Zeppelin, bitches!
Hehehe!
Well, I definitely got confirmation that he likes me! I was worried earlier, but I could tell in his eyes when he came and met up with me, Sara, and Phil in the Wi-fi cafe. And I walked my friend to her room and on the way back I thought to myself, " I hope he doesn't read my e-mail " because I was writing about something interesting that I may expound on involving a certain other person I had/have a crush on. But I thought, Nah, he wouldn't do that. Well, when I came back, Sara told me that D had done some snooping and was getting jealous of whatever he found on my computer that pertained to other guys. He didn't read the e-mail, anyway. He started to, but Sara and Phil stopped him. Good lol. So anyway, the guy I was getting obsessive about ( until I got more sleep, anyway ) and I were talking outside today. And yes, I happened to be wearing a shirt that comes down a bit low in the front. So we're talking, and he reaches over, opens my shirt with his finger, and looks in there. And let me tell you, he was happy with what he saw. We are flirty friends and I like that. I knew he liked me, despite what he says. Boys...can't live with them, can't live without their cocks. HAHAHA!
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 11 February :: 1.15pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: AWOLNation- Not Your Fault
Stalker
There is also a guy here who is getting to be on the stalkerish side. I've known he's liked me since I came in, but now it's starting to get really fucking annoying. I didn't mind giving him hugs and stuff at first, but then it go to the point where, even though I had just given him a hug five fucking minutes before I was walking away, if I went to walk away, he'd be like, " What? I don't even get a hug now? " He says that shit ALL the time!! One night at dinner, I walked past his table and I hadn't even put my fucking plate down and he said it. I told him, " I'm try to eat dinner, you can wait. Damn! " And when I said I was trying to eat, he said, " So I am. " WELL, I'M NOT THE ONE HASSLING YOU, FUCK FACE!!! This morning at breakfast, I had pulled the chair next to me a bit closer so, you know, my boyfriend could sit there, and anyone who knew I had a boyfriend ( which Justin does ) would have figured that out. But no, he sat there, anyway, just to fucking be next to me. Then I got up to leave and go smoke. He wasn't planning on leaving the table until I stood up. When I started walking away, he said, " Oh, you're leaving me!? " I was PISSED. I said, " I'm not leaving anyone specific, I'm just leaving. " I'm going to have to go into bitch mode. I think that will be the only thing that will work. And it has been advised that I don't accept his Valentine's day gift, and thinking about it, that is a great idea especially since even though I wasn't interested before he's under the impression that his gift is going to " work " and make me fall in love with him or some shit. He asked me why every girl he likes never likes him back. I told him I didn't really have an answer to that, but a good place to start would be taking care of himself hygenically, not being a fucking creep, and really, just changing the way he talks. He is always bitching about something and talks about how he's " crazy " and flips out and shit. Why would anyone want to date someone like that? I already have, and it didn't end well. And I'd still rather date that person than this guy. I'd rather be single than date either of them, but that's not the point I'm making here. I'm going to have to have a talk with him and it's coming soon. This shit is starting to drive me crazy. I'm not sure what to say, but I'm sure once I get aggravated enough it'll all come exploding out. I'd rather not be mean, but if that's what it takes for him to back the fuck off, sorry, I'm going to fucking shit all over him. After a certain point, you just can't care anymore. Oh yeah, and he made some comment to D ( before we were dating ) about me being his " princess " or some such shit like that. Disgusting. I'll be the Princess Bitch From Hell.
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kinkyrose1212
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2013 11 February :: 1.04pm
:: Mood: aggravated
Oh my fucking God. So many people here think that just because they are who they are and they want what they want, they can do whatever they want whenever it is most convenient for them, without regard for anyone else. I understand marching to the beat of your own drummer, but like Ralph Waldo Emerson said in The Night Thoreau Spent In Jail, " sometimes you have to go along to get along. " Just shut the fuck up and learn to buck up. Fucking belligerent assholes.
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