Love?
It's been a long time since I've found someone I legitimately have feelings for, feelings that aren't based off of being lonely in a strange place. I always go on these tirades of a sort about how the current object of my affections should wise up and realize that if they want someone to love them unconditionally, then they are foolish for not realizing what a catch I am. I do think that, but I also know that you can't make something that isn't there just appear. As much as I say I wouldn't mind being single for the rest of my life, I would, in a way. That's more a coping mechanism for thinking that there is no one worthwhile trying for. If you have to try, is that genuine, anyway? Shouldn't it come naturally? Relationships take work, yes, but the initiation of them should be pretty smooth. I'm just really sick of having to give up on people in this area of life. I'm not perfect, obviously, but I have a hell of a lot to offer. Maybe it's my butch-even-though-I'm-not-gay attitude that leaves me friend-zoned at every turn, but if I'm not tough and strong, who will be? Maybe it's my weight. I'm sure that's part of it. Maybe it's the fact that despite how much I love whomever, they still suck. I love everyone. Even people I say I hate I love and care about deep down inside. We are all just children who need guidance, aren't we? I don't get as gung-ho as I used to. Now I can think realistically enough to know that there will always be someone else I'll fall for, whether it's reciprocated or not. All the same, I've never stopped loving anyone I've ever been with, no matter how serious any relationship was. If I had the funds, I would just grab someone and say, " Hey, come and live with me. We can go anywhere we want and do anything we want to do. Don't worry about it, just appreciate it and be happy. " If that's not awesome, I don't know what is. My full awesomeness doesn't shine at Job Corps. Why should it when people will just take advantage of it without so much as a thank you? My true friends know it, though, and I guess that's what's important. My best girl friend at Job Corps was telling me that she can tell I love everybody and really care about people. She says I'm very genuine and most people at Job Corps aren't like that. Probably most people in the world aren't like that. My creative writing instructor saw it, too. As much as people get under my skin, I truly do love and care about every person I meet. That sucks sometimes, but I prefer it to hating everyone ( even though sometimes it's easier to think that I do ). I don't trust everyone, but that's no reason not to love and care about them. I keep my feelings under control because I really value genuine friendship and if nothing else comes of it, I never want to screw that up because every friend is valuable to my life and I truly appreciate them being there. There is just something about this one person that makes me care about him very deeply and want to give him happiness. Perhaps it's his lack of happiness and direction, his fragility, and the fact that he feels like he has no one who will really be there for him. He loves the attention, too, I'm sure. But why wouldn't I love him? He's awesome. In any case, life goes on no matter and we just have to keep going on with it until the ride is over. I want to take people under my wing and show them a better, brighter path to follow, but people fall into a trap of being addicted to their own drama and darkness. It becomes a sick, comforting friend which feeds off of them and they feed off of it. It's so sad, genuinely heart wrenching. When all is said and done, I just really want him to know that he is not alone and even though I don't believe he truly believes that no one cares about him, I always will because he has been an important part of my life. I know I won't see my friends from Job Corps much when I leave. Some will be going off to advanced training or we'll just be too far apart to see each other anyone. I have a feeling it will be like the relationships people form in psyche wards. People bond in there, exchange information, and never talk again. That's just how life goes sometimes. I really don't want to lose the friends I've made at Job Corps. They are the first friends I've made in a long time, besides the one friend I have in Keene. So I will make an effort to stay in touch and see them. I remember daydreaming when I was young that my friends and I would all get a big house in some awesome place and all live together forever. Life doesn't work like that, I know, but that's still how I wish it could be.

2 Crushed ME | Crush ME