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--*Being Alone*--

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kinkyrose1212

:: 2013 5 January :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: worried

A Shot At Life
I really loathe the idea of returning to Job Corps. To the point where I can feel my unpleasant anticipation whirling around in my stomach and in my metaphorical heart. The idea saddens, frightens, and depresses me. However, I'm worried that if I resign from the program, I won't have another shot at having a life. Yes, I could work and save up and take the pharmacy tech course at Assabet, but I don't know how likely it is that I would do that. I know I should just stick with " the program, " but the thought of going back to all that calamity is sickening. People are so ignorant and uneducated there. They are so set in their ways that any experience they might actually manage to game even though they don't take anything seriously won't even make a difference in their lives. One thing that's troubling me is that I will probably have a new roommate again when I go back. I've been lucky so far. My first roommate, who I only stayed with for one night, was nice, and yes, my second was somewhat of a bitch but she didn't fuck with my stuff and I only had to live with her for a short amount of time, and even though I think my third roommate is crazy, we still had fun and got along. I have a bad feeling, though, that the next one is going to be horrible, which I really don't think I'll be able to cope with. I foresee myself getting into a fistfight with her and I don't even know who she is. Then I'll get terminated, and I don't want that. I'll probably also get arrested for the first time in my life. Thank you, Job Corps! We'll see how things go. If things get really bad, I always have the option to quit.

Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 22 December :: 1.18am
:: Mood: contemplative

To be fair, the majority of the time I am bitching and moaning about Job Corps, so I need to outgrow that, as well. I'm there and I'm not choosing to leave, so I'm just going to shut the fuck up and learn to buck up.

2 Crushed ME | Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 22 December :: 12.37am
:: Mood: curious

I think people are too focused on trying to control when people massacre others. People have been doing this since the beginning of time and it is unfortunate but if people are willing and motivated to kill other people, then it will always happen no matter what anyone attempts to do. I have lived in the world long enough to acknowledge that tragedies suck, but they are just another reality of life. People can't blind themselves into thinking that everything is going to be okay just because they feel they have good karma for being a decent person. You should be adult and and level-headed enough to know what the risks are in life and just accept that they are there. If something bad happens, yeah, that sucks, but at least you are prepared. Life is going to go on, anyway. You're never going to prevent every person in the world from committing acts of violence, realistically speaking.

Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 21 December :: 11.13pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Bruno Mars- Locked Out of Heaven

The Pathologically Eccentric
People amaze me. A boy at Job Corps told me that he played Russian roulette in his high school's football field and a couple of kids got killed. They never got in trouble because no one was around to see it. If anyone got shot and killed at a school, someone would have gotten in trouble for it; that's just how things work. If someone's mother killed the father of her child and plead insanity ( because self-defense is used too often to be valid, apparently ), the children would be placed in foster care and the mother would be placed in an institution. She would not be allowed to continue to raise the children until they were 18 and THEN go into an institution...because she fucking got convicted of murder and has been diagnosed as insane. I just don't understand. I grew up with a person who told stories. I don't know what it stems from. Maybe some people think other people are so stupid that they should be lied to because they think they are gullible. Maybe they just really need attention. And I'm really sick of everyone's depressive bullshit. Come on, now, just fucking pull yourself up and get on with life. No other person is going to make you less miserable. You're your own problem. Grow up and move on. Lighten the fuck up.

Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 17 December :: 2.15pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: A bunch of idiots in my " class "

JC
Greetings, from my least favorite place on the planet. I'm surrounded by a bunch of morons with some of the most annoying voices I have ever heard, but what else is new? I didn't sleep last night. Joy. Ah well. Anyway, today I was doing OSHA training. That would come in useful for pretty much any trade except the two I had decided to take, office and pharmacy. Still, at least I'll be certified. I heard some very interesting horror stories while I was in the class. First of all, I'd just like to point out that in Wellness they give us a piece of paper that explains that if we are having an emergency, we will go to the hospital, but only if our emergency is " approved by Wellness. " So that's a little fucked up. What's more fucked up is that last week I had to sign a piece of paper stating who I would leave any and all of my assests to just in case I die at Job Corps. Very comforting. Okay, so the horror stories:

One girl in office administration went to Wellness feeling sick. The nurses there gave her some Vick's and cough drops and told her she had a cold. She followed her gut instinct and bought a bus ticket home. When she got there, she went to the emergency room and guess what? The doctors there told her she had a serious virus that could have killed her in the next twenty-four hours if it was left untreated.

This boy I know here hurt his arms pretty badly. Badly enough that he couldn't extend them from the elbows outward and when I saw him the next day they were in slings. So yes, he, at some point, DID get medical attention. But when he first got hurt, he went to the security guards at the front gate ( if I remember correctly ) and they wouldn't help him at all. They wouldn't so much as call the on-call nurse for him.

A girl who lives in my dorm literally passed out in her room. The RA overnight supervisor told her he was going to call someone and said he would be right back for her. She kept passing out and coming to for the next three hours until she was finally able to get up on her own. He had never come back, nor had anyone else come to check on her.

This same girl's roomate was having a seizure and that same asshole RA was in the room holding the roomate's head up. The girl kept trying to tell him that she was a certified CNA so she knew what was was talking about when she said that if someone is having a siezure, you are not supposed to touch them AT ALL. The guy started giving her a real dickhead attitude and said, " Don't tell me what to do! I'm a grown man! Stop acting like you know everything! "

Thank God my health is in such good hands should I ever need medical attention. Oh, and one of the security guards told me that the doctor they have here almost killed his father when she misdiagnosed him. I went to see the dentist. It was a " mandatory " appointment and I would have had a $3.00 fine deducted from my payline had I not gone. That seems a bit pricey when you consider that the appointment literally lasted less than five minutes. I spent more time in the waiting room. The dentist looked in my mouth and said, " No cavities. But you have a horrible tongue piercing. " " Horrible? " I asked. " Yes, they're horrible. " I just said, " Okay. " and left. Not to mention, I have a hole in the front of one of my teeth and if that's not a cavity, I really don't know what is. I will find out the real results of my mouth inspection when I see a REAL dentist over winter break. My roomate told me a boy in her CPP group got terminated from the program because he posted on his Facebook wall that Job Corps was like jail. I don't know how reliable that information is, but it isn't the first time I've heard a story like it. So I've decided that I'm going to finish office administration and then just be done with Job Corps. I'll go through all the bullshit of actually becoming completed, and then I'll get a job, which I assume will pay at least a little bit more than being a cashier and I will save up money and pay for my education in pharmacy tech. I would probably get a better training somewhere else, anyway. Then I'll save up, get a car, take my roadtrip to Florida ( by myself this time ) and then go to college. If I haven't shot myself in the face by then. And speaking of shooting myself in the face, I wish, I really wish the stupid, fucking cunts in this class could hear how annoying and absolutely unintelligent they sound. Even THEY would want to shoot themselves. They'd think, " Wow, I really do sound like an asshole who has never known anything in my entire life, don't I? " The answer, obviously, is yes. There really is no proper way to describe how much most of the trainees suck. In happier news, since I didn't sleep last night, I wasn't as inhibited today. So when I was sitting next to Dom in OSHA, he was playing on his phone and kind of snuggled down himself, so I said fuck it and rested my head on his shoulder. He kept telling me to move, but I told him to suck it up and deal with it. Eventually, he did. And that's just how it should be. I made another new friend here, Tyler, who I think is really cool. Things are looking up on OKCupid, too. It looks like my four month period of celibacy may be coming to an end, pretty soon. Thank God for it, because sometimes, it's all I can think about. There's this one white girl in here ( and unfortunately on my floor, so at every accountability meeting I go to ), who seems to think she is both black and funny. Even if she talked like an educated white girl, which is what she should be ( she SHOULD be educated and she should be white, because white is what she is ), her voice alone would still be annoying as FUCK. But people here are apparently colorblind to their own skin tone. I said it when I first got here and I'm saying it now, I was not a racist coming in, but I damn well may be one going out. It's all these fucking dumb loser bitches and asshole " gangstas " making a bad name for their own race. I can't discriminate against them as a whole, but I don't think there's anything racist about saying " these dumb fucking black people. " They just happen to be dumb and black. One doesn't necessarily have to do with the other. In fact, they can't have anything to do with each other when far too many white people are talking/acting " black. " The bottom line is, race is irrelevent and the world would just be a much nicer place if everyone behaved like civilized people or would at least keep their fucking mouths closed at every waking second for the sake of every other living person on the planet.

8 Crushed ME | Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 16 December :: 10.47am
:: Mood: full

If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, I would nail you so hard.

Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 13 December :: 5.23pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Cat Stevens

Tonight
As I was heading to the front gate to leave campus, who should I see but that teacher I like. I said hello and he asked me where I was headed off to. I really don't see what difference it made or what business it was of his specifically, but that's alright. Especially considering that I'm pretty much a model fucking student. I haven't been in trouble once since I've been there, although it seems like it would be a LOT of fun and very worthwhile to start some! At least I'm not as psychotic as I was in high school, otherwise he'd have to be careful about paying me any attention that wasn't absolutely necessary. They all watch us almost invasively, though. Not that some people don't need that. Still, though, it is somewhat violating. I don't care what the fuck their excuse is. I've been in office administration all week. I really love the teacher ( admittedly not along the same lines that I " love " the other teacher ), but the subject matter is boring as hell to me. It's not too bad being in there, though. I might just be able to stick this out after all. Last night was rough(ish), though, because I was lying down trying to sleep because I was pretty sick. Then these dickhead guys come in my room to inspect/search the closets. They didn't actually search them, but they were assholes none the less. I cleaned mine up and then went to sleep. Then I had to fucking wake up and go outside at 11:30 at night because there was a fire alarm. I first heard it was because someone was straightening her hair and then I heard it was because someone was lighting paper on fire in her room. I don't know which is true, but either way, that person is an asshole and if I get woken up for something retarded again, I'm going to beat the shit out of someone. Fuckin' Job Corps.

2 Crushed ME | Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 7 December :: 11.59pm
:: Mood: awake

Haha, yeah right...
I've decided that I'm not going to " settle " anymore. If I don't feel anyone I know who actually has an interest is good enough for me, then I will be alone because honestly, it feels much better this way. I was having a wonderful time living a solitary life before Job Corps. Then it got all fucked up and I am forced to be around people, many of them idiots, day and night in, and day and night out. I can't take this seriously anymore. UGH. Tonight alone was the reality check I needed. Maybe I can withstand Job Corps if I remember how awesome I am and carry myself more highly. Yup, that's the plan.

Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 7 December :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: Disgusted but amused
:: Music: Led Zeppelin

So, after two weeks straight at Job Corps, I came home and actually relaxed a bit. I smoked up, which is nice, and I did some clear, blunt, and realistic thinking. When I look at my life objectively, I want to kill myself. Not literally, I just can't believe any of it. It's all been so stupid and a lot of it embarrassing. I can't help but laugh ( because otherwise I really might kill myself ), but for Christ's sake! Friends Don't Let Friends Date...fill in the blank! EWWW!!! I may really have to leave Job Corps because of this. I'm sure it will never be forgotten, but there's nothing I can do about that. Is it too late to salvage my pride? Hahaha! People suck so bad. I wish Brianna was around, honestly. She, at least, would be honest with me and keep me in line in her own way. Ah well. Guess I'm on my own from now on. That was working a lot better for me than getting involved with people.

7 Crushed ME | Crush ME


kinkyrose1212

:: 2012 7 December :: 8.05am
:: Mood: contemplative

JC
Anything I pass over the internet may be intercepted and given to authorities is necessary. I heard a rumor that someone got terminated from this program for posting somewhere on line how bad Job Corps sucks. So, if anyone from the US government/Job Corps system is reading this, FUCK YOU. This place can suck my dick. If I find out I have a better alternative when I go home this weekend, I am the FUCK out of here because I am NOT dealing with this bullshit. YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING AND YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE STUDENTS/TRAINEES HERE. My bathroom room mate was telling me this morning about how last week one of the RAs came into her room around 1:30 in the morning and she was basically just creeping around in there staring at her. So the girl started sleeping at a friend's house because she was justifiably freaked out by that. Then Job Corps told her that since she's a resident, she HAS to sleep here. So she has been, but last night she put her desk in front of her door so no one would come in. But when someone checked on her, they told her she had to move it and she did. Then, around two in the morning, an RA and a male staff member went into her room, woke her up, and started yelling at her about the desk that wasn't even by the door anymore. These people are severly fucked in the head. Last night I was so depressed and so stressed out about everything I felt like my head was going to explode. I also have a friend here who has been cutting himself and taking shitloads of Adderoll, smoking weed ( which isn't a big deal ), and taking fucking cough medicine to get fucked up. I'm not mad at him for any of this because I can relate to him very well and very easily, having done all of that shit myself for years. It just makes me feel sad. I know there isn't much I can do. When you have issues like that, you're not going to stop unless you yourself want to. And I'm sure as hell not going to tell any staff members here about it. Not only do I not trust them AT ALL, it would always piss me off when people would rat me out to the staff when I was doing that shit in high school. I love this guy, though, as a friend and a little more, even though he doesn't feel the same, which is fine. My point is, I care about him a lot and I just wish he was happier, even though he is his biggest obstacle to that. ~sigh~ Oh well. Life sucks here so bad, I can't say I blame him. Anyone who was screwed up upon arrival here is only going to get worse the longer they stay. Fuck this place hardcore.

Crush ME

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