being bored is bad for your health

:: 2006 18 July :: 10.27pm

why do i keep on missing everything?

why do i ruin everything?

why?

:: 2006 16 July :: 10.46pm

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

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miniredhawk

:: 2006 14 July :: 7.43pm

Panic! At The Disco

Beyond awesome!

And for that, I say, thank you Anne!
Best. Gift. Ever.

:: 2006 2 July :: 2.44pm
:: Music: Snow Patrol-Set Fire to the Third Bar

Everything is alright. My life is on track, but I still have fun once in a while. I believe that I have grown a lot in the past 6 months. I guess I'm pleased with myself.

I miss my Dustin.

3 left their 2 cents | leave your 2 cents

:: 2006 29 June :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Going over to my grandparent's house always makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty because I never go and see them, and when I do I realize I should have instead of doing everything else I have been doing lately. I still encounter that 'perfection' thing, but I'm trying not to let that get to me. You know, the whole 'I have to be just like they want me to be, or else they won't want me anymore'.

My biggest fear in life is of confrontation that ends in abandonment.

I know they are all going to die pretty soon, and I'm going away, away to college. I'm going to miss the little they have left. At least, I always feel that way.

To all those who don't know, the admissions office at GVSU doesn't like me and wouldn't take me (even though i was accepted into their music program, their school, and I graduated sixth in my class with a fucking 3.96 gpa), so now I am going to CMU. My orientation day is July 21.

I'm not a little child anymore, but I still feel like I need to behave like one sometimes...ask permission, don't talk to strangers, eat my vegetables, and the like.

:: 2006 27 June :: 10.51am
:: Mood: awake

I dream of...

glow worms
rockstars
candy buttons
fancy cars

melodies
vibrant skies
starry nights
pecan pies

total darkness
extreme light
frigid waters
my lonely fight

sorrowful mothers
holding hands
perfect kisses
marching bands

moving music
shadows of night
green tall grass
famine and blight

beautiful sorrow
dramatic scenes
exquisite jewels
Alien Beings

Perfect ends
being close
never ending
Him the most

michelle

5 left their 2 cents | leave your 2 cents

:: 2006 26 June :: 7.43pm

I've missed so many things already.

I don't have time for this, I don't have time, don't have time, don't have time.

There are children laughing outside. Is it wrong to want to shoot them?

miniredhawk

:: 2006 26 June :: 4.38am

I'm moving to Rockford after the first of the year. Awesome.

3 left their 2 cents | leave your 2 cents

:: 2006 25 June :: 10.44am
:: Mood: contemplative

Going camping the best break from here I could have had.

It was so wonderful and smokey smelling. And I think I came out unscathed, except for, perhaps, a small bug bite that is developing on my right foot. It's itchy.

I don't regret anything I have done. If I regret it, it's like exiling a part of me. Everything I have done is always going to be apart of me, whether I like it or not. We all have room for mistakes, and some fill that room sooner or more closely than others. But you only fill that room when you feel like something is a mistake. The door to my room hasn't been open in a while, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm not talking about petty mistakes, either. I'm talking about huge life changing, crying for days mistakes. I use to think everything was a mistake, that I was a mistake. I'm not sure exactly where I belong, but I know I'm not a mistake anymore, and whatever I do, and whereever I go, whoever I meet, I will be lucky to be there and do that, and talk to them, and see them, because I'm here, and by some will I can, and so I shall.

I suppose a lot of that does not make much sense to anyone but me. That's fine. You never understand sex in a trashy romance novel until you actually have sex. You just can't understand some things until you feel them, and even then, you still may not be certain of them exactly. Perhaps we find solace only in the end. Perhaps we never find solace. And that's okay with me.

"She told me son, fear is in the heart of love, so I never went back..."

lushness?

michelle

:: 2006 19 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: distressed

It's unbearably humid. And it's only nine in the morning.

Working again today. I am looking forward to Tuesday and then to camping. I need to get away for a while, and hopefully that will give me what I need.

There's always an exception to the rule,
Always a better choice,
Always a better soul somewhere,
Always a louder voice.

What makes us think we can change our worlds?
What makes us even try?
Somewhere, sometime, we think we are that better one,
We think the world we will defy.

But that is not so,
so often our words are lost,
So helpless, so frail, so terminal,
life cannot be infused in a coffin of dust.

michelle

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lil_bill06

:: 2006 17 June :: 7.26pm

Hey, I got another tattoo. It's a celtic sun and according to MItch it's a tramp stamp. It's black and blue. I leave for my cruise tomorrow. It's going to be so much fun.

2 left their 2 cents | leave your 2 cents

:: 2006 16 June :: 7.52am

Last night I looked into the sky and saw only how lonely we all are.

I keep trying, but I don't know for how long. I'm running out of steam.

michelle

1 left their 2 cents | leave your 2 cents

:: 2006 13 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: distressed

The other morning I read a horribly depressing novella. It's call As We Are Now by Mary Sarton.

It's about an older lady who is a retired teacher, who never married, and is put into a nursing home run by two uncapable, corrupt, and inhumane women.

The woman, Caroline, slowly starts to lose her hope of ever returning to a normal life. She is constantly emotionally battered and humiliated. She becomes childlike in the way others treat her, and in the way she becomes frustrated with simple things.

Eventually she can stand her life any longer. She asks a friend to bring her lighter fluid every so often. Eventually she sets fire to the nursing home, and presumeably kills everyone inside: herself, the ameoba like dirty old men downstairs and the two women she hates.

I don't want to be like that when I'm older. I don't want to revert back to a childlike state. I don't want to know my life is almost over.

I do understand the frustration, the need to escape. However, the degenerate course of her mental state throughout the novel, slight, but noticeable, make her commit an act that she would have deemed unnatural a few months earlier. Desperate situations drive people to desperate acts. The old and incaplable are left to their own devices.

I know I keep rambling on, but the novel touched me in a way I will not realize for many years. I will probably not even remember it (the novel itself), however, I will always remember how vividly the author constructed a picture of Caroline's degeneration, and the thought I must never end up that way: alone and desperate.

I've been working a lot lately. I have fourty hours this week; a sizeable check. The future is starting to look shading and every time I do it I feel I am one step closer to fucking up my life. However, the boredom and drudgery of every day life always counter acts that feeling ( not the best choice, either, but what the hell...).

Am I falling into the cycle that other before me have? I'm at a jumping off point right now. I could choose to work at Meijer the rest of my life (oh, i know, a promising vocational choice...), become a begrudged, senile member of the working class, get married, stretch out my vagina and other organs numerous times by having children, watch them grow up not having everything they want (i wouldn't give them everything they wanted, even if I could, however), worry about debt, and how I will stay sane, and hopefully make it through all that just to retire with a broken down body and a mind lacking the refreshing breeze of valueable knowledge and thought.

Or I could go to school.

Choices, Choices...

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ~Flora Whittemore

-michelle

:: 2006 7 June :: 2.12am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Snow Patrol - Eyes Open

"You could be happy, and I won't know..."
- Snow Patrol

I really like this new cd. I really like this new laptop. I jinxed myself though. I am no longer blessed. However I only lasted two days on Matt's shit list, while Steve remained two months. hehe.

I really shouldn't be out this late, but hey, free internet is nice. plus delectible(sp.?) coffee drinks. mmm.

P.S. I feel like singing but I'm in public and no one else can hear my music, so they wouldn't understand.

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.45am

So this is how it rolls: List ten (10) things you want to say to ten (10) different people. Do not state who these people are. Do not confirm or deny any 'comment speculation'.

1. You make him SO happy, You'll like what he gives you.
2. I want to do it again.
3. I hope to god it will all work out.
4. Thank you for your insight.
5. I want you to always be here, but I doubt you will be. I will miss you more than anything in the world.
6. You don't know you're gay.
7. I think it's cute that you don't know what you're doing.
8. Your ackwardness is what makes you wanted.
9. You need to get over yourself.
10. I love you, pips.

:: 2006 6 June :: 10.34am
:: Mood: confused

So my life's focus is working now. You don't know how much that sucks.

I don't want to waste my life, but it's so tempting.

I'm reading Girl Interrupted. I started about an hour and a half ago when I woke up and I'm almost done with it. It reminds me so much of so many things I thought I was the only one who thought them.

I have trouble with that, putting what I think into words. I just can't describe some of the thoughts that go through my head. They are so painfully abstract.

I'm not quite sure exactly what is going on anymore, but I guess I never really quite did in the first place. I'm on the painful edge of being an adult, but still living at home with the same rules I had when I was twelve. I defineately do not do the same things I did when I was twelve.

I'm ready to go, but I'm obligated to stay. This debate will last a lifetime.

:: 2006 2 June :: 9.29pm

"I want what is yours, and I want what is mine"

It's like putting the kool aid into the pitcher and watching the water turn a lovely shade of translucent red.

It all dissolves into a homologous mixture, each part containing equal parts of the solution.

Except, it's never really that perfect. It's all very unequal upon closer inspection.

A closer inspection reveals what you may have never known as the fruity, sugary goodness flows down your throat.

:: 2006 31 May :: 3.49pm

You send me off,
With wishes of
Good Health and Good times.

Forget-me-nots line the road,
and i'm not suppose to
look back, but i do.

It's not your fault
But my very own
Don't look back and see me here.

I am stagnant,
in a pool
of my own blood and tears.

:: 2006 27 May :: 2.04pm
:: Music: Muse

Update
I had a nice little vacation this week. It was meant to be for thinking and sorting everything out, but instead it just allowed me to forget about everything that matters. Not as productive, but much more enjoyable. I think I want to go to a different place every week or every other week, just for a couple days or so.

All of my plans for the fall have been a little fucked up thanks to my deadbeat brother (whom I love of course).
Also, I ran into an old friend yesterday and he's totally cool, so I may be seeing more of him in the near future. I'm so blessed. Really, I am.