i wish i could move far far away. away from cedar, away from our high school.... anywhere. out of state. i hate my life here. i wanna start over, i would give ANYTHING to start over in a new town with new people.

away from my family, or lack there of. we're all falling apart. after my grandpa died, everything changed. i dont have a huge family like i used to. my mom's one of 10, and we dont even have a christmas party. how pathetic is that. the only time our whole family is together is at funerals... there has NEVER been a picture taken of ALL the brothers and sisters. there has NEVER been a complete family picture... i dont even know... it just sucks.

i need mountains, i need something to live for, away from routine. i need to recapture my faith.. that should be my number one priority.. but i just keep pushing it aside, telling myself... "i'll get there eventually"... its not gonna happen that way.

i feel like im drifting away from my best friend, and my mom, and school..... i feel like i've lost all sense of caring about anything. im numb... im just a numb person. and i hate that, but i've gotten used to it. i live for stress. if i dont have a zillion things goin on at once, like i always do... i think i'd lose it. i cant remember when i've been able to just sit down and relax, for like a week straight, with nothing that i have to do. i have so many responsibilites.. and dont get me wrong.. im so thankfull for everything that im a part of... but it gets tiring. i get tired. i AM tired. right now... im so tired. and theres nothing i can do about it. im so stuck.... and it's not gonna change. i know it isnt.

yeah, i have awesome things in my life.. i have an amazing person in my life. and for that im so greatfull, but everything else is still on the back of my mind all the time, i just choose to ignore it most of the time. thats why i hate being alone, i start to think. and sometimes my thoughts scare me, and i'd rather not process things at all.

i have so many things that i want to do. but there are even more that i NEED to do, and yet i dont. i want to do things for me, but its not an option. and even STILL, im no good at prioritizing.

im never good enough, i dont respect her, my grades arent good enough, im not responsible, i listen to bad music, i support the wrong things, i never spend time at home anymore, i never spend time with my sister, i only think of myself... and the list goes on.

TELL me, how am i suppose to deal with everything, when you keep adding stress to my life. im a teenager, im not a little girl anymore. if you're gonna lose your temper with me, then i'll lose mine with you. is it really that hard to comprehend? im 16, and very defensive..... you know this. you OBVIOUSLY know this.... why do you constantly continue to push me. i'll never understand you.

i dont even remember the last time i prayed before going to sleep.

im changing, but im maturing. and at the same time, im not changing. im still sensitive, and shy, and alone. ultimately, im alone. and i think its a fear that shadows my ability to work through my past. to fully forgive him and accept him as a part of my life. im so blessed that he's here, he's finally here. but im so selfish, i dont wanna share him. i dont want anyone to meet him... and i dont want to forgive him.. but i am.. and i hate that. i want to hate him, but i cant. i simply cant. its his personality, and the fact that when i look at him, i see myself. its the most incredible feeling i've ever felt... i cant even explain it. this experience that everyone else has had.. im just now experiencing, but its so different.. there are no standards to put it against.

at least i have a home now... a place to park my car and a place to have my mail forwarded to. at least i have that.

4 _ | moved fast