yesterday was amazing. i want to volunteer at toys for tots every year. there were a few people i came across, that i didnt want to leave. to see what this organization does for those families, and how greatful they are, it really touches you. i was talking to this one lady, and she told me that she always used to donate toys, and then she lost her job this year, and how ironic it is that you never know what could happen. how now she's depending on other people's kindness. its incredible. i wont go into it, but i would advise all of you to think about volunteering next year.

after i came home and cleaned up a little, keegan picked me up and we went to gorters for awhile. interesting kid, he is. it was fun though. gorters a good guy... he is. just not in public restaraunts.... resterants... forget it. "public eating places". gahh.


just so you know. everything you ever told me im going to take as a lie. i regret every moment we spent together. i regret letting myself be fooled by you. you were never honest. you were never who i thought you were. morals dont change, something that was so important once, doesnt lose importance. we were based on a lie, which to me is non-existance. i was truely happy for you, i thought you had finally found someone to settle you down, to help you straighten out your life. what an idiot i was to think that you could be level headed. what an idiot i was to ever believe every lie you told me. i hope you get her pregnant.



on a lighter note...
honey, i love you. lets rent johnny movies and eat high calorie foods that we'll regret eating later. and laugh and giggle relentlessly and tell your sister to shut the light off because theres a glare on our lovers face. lets reminse on the times that we werent cutting into eachother and figure out why things have changed. lets bake something yummy and refuse to share it with anyone.. like our ice cream. lets talk about the play, cuz we havent even done that. lets just be best friends again.

im going shopping in the morning. i gotta finish keegan, brandi, shelby... random people. after christmas im gonna get becky and all my friends stuff, moneys kinda "not there" right now. my checks gonna suck tomorrow.

tonight was so much fun. i went to keegans house after i got out of work. which was so awesome, cuz he doesnt even care seeing me in my work clothes, and i dont either. i changed when i got there.. then we *get this* wrapped christmas presents for our moms, he made me hot cocoa, and then watched desperate housewives. such simple things, and we have so much fun together. everything we do is soo perfect. i was all layed back tonight, changed into pj's.... and i feel like i bonded with his sister a little bit more, which is awesome, cuz she's such a sweet girl! and his mom... *smiles* im just so happy! ahhhh.... im going there for christmas. and im making shrimp dip.. and his mom asked me if i was comming over.. and ahh, i just had to spout all that quick. im glowing right now, i love that feeling.

christmas is almost here. where did it come from? totally snuck up on me this year. im excited, but its not the same. we dont even have our stockings, they're in storage. this is the first year without our own tree, our own ornaments, christmas music. i dont even think we're gonna make cookies. which really makes me sad. we've never not made cookies. we've never not had a family christmas. im not saying that we're not. but its different, and i dont like it. its not cozy. i want to beable to cuddle up on a couch beneath my little mermaid blanket and watch old christmas cartoons while my little sister tears through our living room after my cat trying to make him play dress up. i want to hear our furnace kick on, i want to sit in the middle of my room and just look around, knowing that it is just my room. i want him to feel awful for what he's done in the past, and grow up and accept everythings he's missed. i want that whole situation to make sence. i want to look into his eyes and see my own looking back at me... i want that to scare me. i want that to make me wanna cry. i want something out of this, i just want him. and then i dont. and then i confuse myself and stop thinking. i want to beable to think about it though. what will i say to him? how can you put into words all these feelings. so many times have i expressed this in poetry, or in journals, or to friends. so many times have i cried over this, and now its in my hands. maybe this is god telling me that he's always had something in store for me, and i just needed to be patient. he brought someone back into my life, he's taken some away. and look at me, im striving on. im making it... it hurts, and its hard, but im doing it.

i was gonna clean my room... brandis room, our room, that room im staying in.... that one. stupid procrastination.

stupid spelling...

4 _ | moved fast