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:: 2003 7 December :: 2.43pm
:: Music: tbs-bike scene

im at beckys right now. Theres like 30 people here...... i dont like people. And not only are they people, they're church people from her dads single group......... *slight giggle* but other then that.....

We atempted to do our algebra..... that got far.

im an idiot....... never yell "in the pants" when you are in a room WITH OUT soundproof walls. I'll bet im gonna be on everyones prayer list tonight...........

Alright......

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brokenmentality

:: 2003 6 December :: 2.07am
:: Music: tbs- Head Club

Tainted Pandemonium

Standing alone in empty confinement I watch my life collapse one shattered piece at at time. Im being swallowed by nothingness that mimics my aparant unspoken desire for loneliness. Every heart i touch i break and every single one tears a part away from the tattered mess i've let myself turn into. Im walking on with chains bound to my broken body, to afraid to look back and see the path i've chosen to struggle down. Im surrounded by stiffled silence with nothing but serene indignity cascading across my tired and broken mentality. I've lost my passion to care and instead all i do is wish my life would for once go how i want it to, but taking it upon myself would bring only more chaos and deppression. Why wont God listen to my cries for help? Why wont he tell me what i'm expected to do when im living my own hell and wandering blindly into circumstances i can never seem to get myself out of. Are you giving me some kind of test, because im failing miserably and im so tired. Everything comes through in muffled whispers. I cant hear you , sometimes i wonder if you're even there. Help me live for you so i can live for myself. Tear me out of this tainted pandemonium. I'll wait for you to come for me, until then i'll just stay here in my empty confinement trying to put my shattered hopes of desperation back into the failure they started as.

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brokenmentality

:: 2003 5 December :: 9.21pm
:: Music: taking back sunday- you know how i do

Please, read, enjoy.............

"our hearts are crushed and our souls are forgotten, we are now eating apples that are rotten. Cuz we need food and we want to die so we can eat some pumpkin pie. I say hi, oh look theres a bird in the sky. Maybe we can shoot the bird and eat it for dinner, hey look its winter. Its really cold, i want to start writing in bold. my heart is laying on the floor, i just dont care anymore. stacy picked up a pickle and said its__ ___skin cell it fell from his head. oh my gosh what the hell is that? its ____ face against my baseball bat. we think of you all while were taking a shower. oh my god, are tounges are SOUR and we just lost power just look...at the hour! I wish i were as good as thee...oh my god I HAVE TO PEE."

-Stacy and Erika *at their breaking point*

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brokenmentality

:: 2003 5 December :: 3.25pm
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday-cute without the e

well i guess this is my first entry.. its about time......

So how have i been...... hmmmmmmmm

i feel like i can never do anything right. Everything i do ends up hurting somebody else... it really sucks. I feel like such an idiot. All i ever do is wish i did things differently and regret the decisions i make. I just really fucked up... alot. I thought it was the right thing and now i dont think it was. Everytime i think about it i wanna scream. i hate everything about life... i really do. I went to youth group last night hoping that maybe it would clear things up a bit.. it made me feel a little bit better. Im just gonna jump more into christianity and get more involved. I feel like god doesnt listen to me. I cant do this alone...... but its like hes testing my faith. So i guess i'll put my life in his hands from now on. Im going on a missions trip to alaska in july... im really looking forward to it. I wish "this" was the only problem in my life. But everyday a new one comes up and i cant handle them all. I sit in my room and just cry sometimes because theres nothing else i can do. I got this book called god speaks and that keeps me busy. Or when im doing something it keeps my mind off everything thats going on.... then i stop thinking and it just pops into my mind. I did something i really shouldnt have..... Fuck......

I shouldnt be alloud to make my own decisons. I cant even pick something out of the fucking vending machine without stressing about it... i love being so pathetic...

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